This morning, I was thinking about one of my favorite experiences in 2024 and what I wanted to carry over to 2025. It was back in November while watching my grandchildren practice for the children's primary program. I set a realistic goal to teach them the chorus of one of the songs from the program list. I also selected the song as it aligned with my values of becoming love. It was a primary song I had never heard of before entitled, "The Tree of Life." Here is the chorus:
"Come to the Tree of Life- Partake of the Fruit- I Feel the Love of God and you'll Feel it too When you Come to the Tree of Life-There's joy here and peace-The greatest place in all the world to be...Is at the Tree!"
I first had to learn the song myself. I remember singing it aloud while walking to the park with my grandbaby in the stroller. I remember teaching it to the other grandchildren while driving in the car. There wasn't much time, but I wanted them to know something to contribute alongside the other primary children. I wouldn't be in Utah during the program, so I slipped into the chapel for the practice the Sunday prior. I sat where my grandchildren could see me. I mouthed the words as they sang as if to feed them the lyrics.
I was so touched as Lennox sang the song from his heart. He was the loudest, most enthusiastic, primary child singing out to the familiar words of the chorus as his eyes sparkled with recognition. He really stood out! It was my own personal primary program, just for me. Tears streamed down my face as I felt the power of the song's message. The words represent my greatest desire for my children and grandchildren to come to the Tree of Life and feel the "love of God." It felt like electricity and power coursing through my whole being. I did feel the love of God. This was it! And I wanted these sweet, sweet grandchildren to feel it too! And not just them, but all my family.
Fast forward to yesterday morning. I sat in a playpen with my two 14 month grandchildren watching them interact with each other. I was crying pretty hard, feeling the emotional wounds from a prior conversation with my son. Though the babies didn't understand the tears, they completely understood when I removed my attention from them briefly to get a tissue from the bathroom. They panicked and cried until I returned to give them my undivided attention once more. Attention is such a gift of presence! So when it is removed, it's hard not to take it personally.
That is what happened with my son earlier in the morning. I divided my attention in a way that triggered him to the times he felt devalued by his mom, not important not understood, not seen. Though he loves me, he gets upset when my actions dismiss him in any way and he feels like trying to connect with me is futile. He wants me to understand how I hurt others and take accountability before moving on. To learn new ways of relating with others instead of helping others NOT feel the love of God.
That certainly isn't my intention. I try so hard to show love to each person in my family. I admit, that my attention has been divided over and over again. Every time I had another baby, it divided my attention. My work divides my attention as well as my other non-family responsibilities. Even in my relationship with God, my eye isn't close to being single. I show love in messy, imperfect ways. Ultimately, MY love is not enough to heal the wounds but HIS love is!
So how do I channel God's healing love? How do I "sing from the heart" like my sweet grandchild, Lennox? One of the reason's why I centered my Christmas around Thomas McConkie's book, "At One Ment" is because it provides some great ideas about "seeing from the heart". For me, it's a great follow up to Steve Young's book about "being love." I have to mix my former imperfect mommy heart love with something greater and infinitely more powerful.
The book talks about human vulnerabilities including the need to be valued and esteemed, as wounds. I need to really feel and deal with bodily pain with great compassion rather than distract from it, remove my gaze or escape it. I accept it, let it flow through me, let is pass through me. I can use the pain as an act of consecration, I can accept the cup like the Savior accepted His cup. And yet I don't have to wallow in sticky emotions and unhelpful thoughts to continually suffer. God can anoint my wounds as I seek greater awareness of my presence and His presence through contemplative practice, I can connect with His life, love and light. Connecting with his love and light will allow me to see everything with the heart.
It's still a little unclear and far too nebulous right now, but perhaps in 2025, I can make it more concrete. The book also provides many audio meditations worth repeating to help with this process. My goal is to not only sing from the heart, but see and respond from God's heart. If I feel the love of God, I want others to feel it too!
