This morning I was thinking when being slippery is actually a good thing. I happened upon this discovery while cleaning my bathtub. I love those Magic Eraser things and decided to rub down the bath walls with soap first-just because. I was AMAZED at how the bathtub rings slipped off-effortlessly. I mean those magic eraser things work great alone-but with soap-it truly was magic. It reminded me of a lecture we had from the nurses about the importance of washing your hands while singing the ABC song twice; you need to spend the necessary time using soap, rubbing and rinsing with water not to kill the germs but to help germs actually SLIP off. This is the magic cleaning power of slip.
I certainly know that being slippery isn't always a good thing-especially when it comes to "getting a grip" on reality. It can be a scary thing when important things slip my mind-I forget. It seems to be one of the greatest fears of growing old-just losing my mind-piece by piece as it slips away. I remember having a conversation with my mom about the possibility of experiencing some type of dementia in the future. Her response was something like, "Oh I hope when I've lost almost everything that I lose my mind as well so I won't know what's going on-that way I'll be a lot happier because I'll be oblivious to my plight. " Awareness isn't all it's cracked up to be. Forgetting can be a protection against harsh realities of loss. Every school kid has used the excuse, "Oh I lost my homework- or I forgot my paper at home" in hopes of being given a break. I know when I use the excuse "I forgot about it-it slipped my mind" people tend to be a little more forgiving (even though they may think I'm a flake, an airhead, or just plain stupid.
Lack of intelligence (a low IQ) has long been a symptom of people with intellectual disabilities. As we were trying to help our students see outside themselves, we had an opportunity to volunteer at a recreation center for adults who were mentally retarded. I wanted my students to have a greater appreciation for this population and reach out in friendship. I especially noted the example of joyful exuberance from 2 wonderful ladies I was sitting near. One wore Disneyland mouse-ears and was constantly distracted and delighted by the sighted of school buses passing by the window. In fact, she thought I was "cool" because I worked at a school that had 2 yellow school buses. The other gal wore a homemade Christmas hat with what could only be termed as an "ugly sweater". She caught my attention as she sang loudly, shook her rhythmic shaker, and danced in her seat to the music being played by the high school jazz band. Both gals were completely CONFIDENT about their appearance. Both gals were JOYFUL. Both gals were reacting to their environment with childlike DELIGHT. I could tell they could absolutely care less about the judgements or criticism of others because they were unaware of those judgements. They also lacked critical thinking to evaluate the quality of the musical performance. They were mindful-living in the present-delighted in what they saw and heard. I was inspired by their INNOCENCE.
It reminded me of a metaphor one of our therapist uses to "put on your raincoat" and not let the words or judgements of others stick to you. Sticks and stones can't hurt you if they slide right off. In legal world- prosecutors want charges to stick-they don't want the offender to slip away or be held guiltless of alleged crimes. Yet from a defendant's perspective-they want to be cleared of charges-they don't want things to stick. They want to be held guiltless and not accountable. Ultimately they want to be found innocent. One of the most profound moments in all my legal proceedings surrounding my x husband's business dealings, was when the judge read my mind and heart and told the court what he thought regarding my involvement. He noted how I probably trusted my husband and thought it was his money and how I may have been more of a victim than an accomplice. His words and the effect of his words allowed me as a relief defendant to only relinquish monies that were currently in my annuity and not be saddled with additional amounts lost in the annuity from the financial crash of 08-09. This was huge relief. But more than the actual financial easing-the court experience with this judge gave me this feeling of innocence that I will never forget.
Forgetting about injustices or ways others have offended me helps wash away their guilt. When others apologize, I like to say, "Forget about it. It helps reaffirm my desire to be found guiltless at the judgement bar of God. I love the promise that if we repent of our sins relying on the Savior's atonement "the same is cforgiven, and I, the Lord, remember them no more." Forgetting isn't such a bad thing either. Sins can slip away because of the cleansing power of the atonement. Behold the Magic Cleaning Power of Slip!
Saturday, December 13, 2014
Saturday, December 6, 2014
Simple Wordly Stuff
This morning I was thinking about my cute little Christmas tree. It is the leftover top portion from our large family Costco lighted tree we crammed into my condo last year. It was no easy task since I had to free it from the tangle of lights. But this year, instead wrestling with the big tree and decorating it, I just stuck the top part in a pot, put it on the glass coffee table and called it good. I threw a string of lights on hung a sample of all of Grandma B's keepsake ornaments and then wrapped Cassia's homemade quilted Santa runner around the base of the pot. My daughter reaction..."Well, that's cute but that's only the Thanksgiving tree-right?" I said, "Nope-that's it." I referred her to the carefully placed block sign reading, "Simplify." That's my theme-this year.
Taking inspiration from the theme, I threw together a simple Christmas celebration for my son on Thanksgiving night since he will not be here later this month. I guess Thanksgiving and Christmas in one day isn't so simple, and my children were mad that they weren't given sufficient warning to thoughtfully buy their brother his Christmas presents, but I did it anyway. I went to our ghost-town Shopko, which come to find is AWESOME for shopping Black Friday Deals in 1 HOUR, wrapped his presents and stuck them under the tree. My children didn't all arrive until about 11 p.m but we gathered and it was good. I did my traditional poem/song lesson thing, we opened gifts, and then Chase sang and played the guitar for us till about 1:00 a.m. It felt like Christmas to me and perhaps it did for my son as well, even though he accidentally left his box of presents in the driveway while loading his car. I don't think the gifts were exactly what he needed and wanted-but I wanted to make some type of gesture to show my love for him during the holidays, even if it was completely haphazard.
As a parent, one of the most complex and stressful parts about Christmas is getting the "perfect" gift for each child-the one that will get the magical reaction of being "exactly what they wanted." It is the most satisfying aspect of watching them open their presents. I usually like to orchestrate the whole event by starting slowly with things they need (like underwear) and ending on a dramatic crescendo with the GIFT! It's not easy to do, and sometimes it's hit or miss. In regards to dollars and cents-helping them out with their stupid cell phones, car problems, school expenses or credit issues-could easily count as "the gift"- That's your Christmas-enjoy it. However, I like to be able to help. I can't always help. I definitely cannot give them everything they want and need-These days I can only make simple gestures toward that end. And in the end all this "stuff" is just a symbol of my love and my desire to give my children THE WORLD.
My children's father was like that- he wanted to give his children the world because he truly loved them. No matter how much money we had, Christmas was always a greed frenzy-so many gifts-so over the top-so much stuff-even if it was all from the thrift store. His love strategy was stuff. My love strategy has never been stuff. In fact, at times during our marriage, I felt like I was drowning in stuff-and come to find out, most of the stuff wasn't even ours in the first place. I could write volumes about what I have learned about the stuff. I became an expert on the psychology of “stuff”through exposure and observation- by feeling it, touching it, organizing it, buying it, looking at it, thinking about it, carting it around, and GETTING RID OF IT. Stuff is complex-getting rid of it the excess is one of the most basic ways to simplify. At least this helps me so I can be a better steward over what I already have.
Nevertheless, simply saying, "I Love You" with a barren tree without any gifts under it wouldn't go over too well with the kids. I'm glad we can try to wrap that love up in box accompanied with our desire to give the children all the stuff in the world-both tangible and intangible good things of the earth. After all, God gave us stuff. The scriptures state, "I stretched out the heavens, and build the earth, my very handiwork; and all things are mine and it is my purpose to provide...for the earth is full, and there is enough and to spare; yeah I prepared all things, and have given unto the children of men to be agents unto themselves." How grateful I am that God gave each of his children THE WORLD. And though I hate stuff at times, I love it too, especially the gesture of gift giving and the symbols represented by stuff-even if it's just simple stuff.
Taking inspiration from the theme, I threw together a simple Christmas celebration for my son on Thanksgiving night since he will not be here later this month. I guess Thanksgiving and Christmas in one day isn't so simple, and my children were mad that they weren't given sufficient warning to thoughtfully buy their brother his Christmas presents, but I did it anyway. I went to our ghost-town Shopko, which come to find is AWESOME for shopping Black Friday Deals in 1 HOUR, wrapped his presents and stuck them under the tree. My children didn't all arrive until about 11 p.m but we gathered and it was good. I did my traditional poem/song lesson thing, we opened gifts, and then Chase sang and played the guitar for us till about 1:00 a.m. It felt like Christmas to me and perhaps it did for my son as well, even though he accidentally left his box of presents in the driveway while loading his car. I don't think the gifts were exactly what he needed and wanted-but I wanted to make some type of gesture to show my love for him during the holidays, even if it was completely haphazard.
As a parent, one of the most complex and stressful parts about Christmas is getting the "perfect" gift for each child-the one that will get the magical reaction of being "exactly what they wanted." It is the most satisfying aspect of watching them open their presents. I usually like to orchestrate the whole event by starting slowly with things they need (like underwear) and ending on a dramatic crescendo with the GIFT! It's not easy to do, and sometimes it's hit or miss. In regards to dollars and cents-helping them out with their stupid cell phones, car problems, school expenses or credit issues-could easily count as "the gift"- That's your Christmas-enjoy it. However, I like to be able to help. I can't always help. I definitely cannot give them everything they want and need-These days I can only make simple gestures toward that end. And in the end all this "stuff" is just a symbol of my love and my desire to give my children THE WORLD.
My children's father was like that- he wanted to give his children the world because he truly loved them. No matter how much money we had, Christmas was always a greed frenzy-so many gifts-so over the top-so much stuff-even if it was all from the thrift store. His love strategy was stuff. My love strategy has never been stuff. In fact, at times during our marriage, I felt like I was drowning in stuff-and come to find out, most of the stuff wasn't even ours in the first place. I could write volumes about what I have learned about the stuff. I became an expert on the psychology of “stuff”through exposure and observation- by feeling it, touching it, organizing it, buying it, looking at it, thinking about it, carting it around, and GETTING RID OF IT. Stuff is complex-getting rid of it the excess is one of the most basic ways to simplify. At least this helps me so I can be a better steward over what I already have.
Nevertheless, simply saying, "I Love You" with a barren tree without any gifts under it wouldn't go over too well with the kids. I'm glad we can try to wrap that love up in box accompanied with our desire to give the children all the stuff in the world-both tangible and intangible good things of the earth. After all, God gave us stuff. The scriptures state, "I stretched out the heavens, and build the earth, my very handiwork; and all things are mine and it is my purpose to provide...for the earth is full, and there is enough and to spare; yeah I prepared all things, and have given unto the children of men to be agents unto themselves." How grateful I am that God gave each of his children THE WORLD. And though I hate stuff at times, I love it too, especially the gesture of gift giving and the symbols represented by stuff-even if it's just simple stuff.
Monday, December 1, 2014
Family Tree Pictures/Gathering
This morning I was thinking about all the hassle this week to bring to pass one simple task- a family picture. I mean- How hard is it? Turns out- harder than expected trying to gather my not so little ones and have them stand in the same place and look "happy" takes the patience of Job. First challenge was getting all 5 children under the same roof again. They have scattered with the wind during the last 5 years. With my daughter living in Japan for 2 years, son in Los Angeles, and others in college towns in Southern Utah-we just haven't been all together for a long time. I know it will get worse as they start their careers and families. This is normal-I know. But when families gather- Oh what a blessing. It is the BEST Christmas present ever. It's hard to describe the overwhelming mother-hen feeling washing over me when all my "chickies" are safe and asleep in my little house. Of course, on the flip side, these sleeping chickens are no early morning roosters. I thought I gave them plenty of time to get up, get ready, take family pictures, and be off to our Thanksgiving feast in time, but I was wrong. Guess trying to wake them up at the crack of 12:30 p.m is too early.
I tried the gentle reminders- Hey this is my only Christmas present-could you please get up so we can take our family picture-just wear black and jeans-here's some extra clothes if you need them. I even took off my own pants and gave them to one son who apparently did not get the message about the jeans. I urged my sons to shave their "mexi-staches" and wash their hair-anything to just look a little more presentable. After 2 hours of coaxing them I finally gave up with the idea of being on time to our commitment. It brought back "good mommy memories" of trying to get my children out of bed for school and church. I guess those mother hen feelings about her chickies aren't as warm and fuzzy as the safely in the nest theme; it's more like trying to herd cats. Of course I didn't make it any easier by suggesting that my boys climb into a tree for the pictures. I thought it would be a good symbol for our "family tree". My instagram daughter was horrified at the photo composition and kept complaining about how stupid these pictures were going to turn out. She referred to it as being too 70's cliche- I tried to guilt them into submission by reminding them that this was the only Christmas present I wanted- a family picture-and I wanted one picture of them in a tree.
God wants his family picture too. This I know. I'm part of this great gathering of God's family tree. It is most difficult to gather scattered Israel and get us all back under the same roof. Like my children- I am hard to wake, keep sleeping and ignore his voice-all the time. I'm resistant to making changes in my appearance and behavior. When asked to keep a particular commandment or "climb a tree" I question the command with "Really?" That's just stupid. And then there's the smiling part. He not only wants me to appear happy-he wants it to be a genuine smile-the outward reflecting my true inner self. The whole point of gospel covenants is to "be together." I mention it in a song lyric, "Gathered families saved from sin." We want to be gathered together as one big happy family. This concept of family gathering-so prevalent at Thanksgiving and Christmas, is so wonderful, it's no wonder I want to capture it, preserve it- even if it's for a small moment-in a family picture. I'm in good company.
I tried the gentle reminders- Hey this is my only Christmas present-could you please get up so we can take our family picture-just wear black and jeans-here's some extra clothes if you need them. I even took off my own pants and gave them to one son who apparently did not get the message about the jeans. I urged my sons to shave their "mexi-staches" and wash their hair-anything to just look a little more presentable. After 2 hours of coaxing them I finally gave up with the idea of being on time to our commitment. It brought back "good mommy memories" of trying to get my children out of bed for school and church. I guess those mother hen feelings about her chickies aren't as warm and fuzzy as the safely in the nest theme; it's more like trying to herd cats. Of course I didn't make it any easier by suggesting that my boys climb into a tree for the pictures. I thought it would be a good symbol for our "family tree". My instagram daughter was horrified at the photo composition and kept complaining about how stupid these pictures were going to turn out. She referred to it as being too 70's cliche- I tried to guilt them into submission by reminding them that this was the only Christmas present I wanted- a family picture-and I wanted one picture of them in a tree.
Last challenge was just trying to get them to smile. I even resorted to tickling my son. It's hard to capture the best for each person in a group picture. There's bound to be a least one person who looks terrible. In the end-I just had to settle for a good-enough family picture. It's not quite what I expected, but hey-we're all together- And that's the point. The whole experience made me think of the scripture, "how oft would I have gathered you as a hen gathereth her chickens, and ye would not." I love the follow up scripture in 3 Nephi: "O ye house of Israel whom I have spared, how oft will I gather you as a hen gathereth her chickens under her wings, if ye will repent and return unto me with full purpose of heart. But if not, O house of Israel, the places of your dwellings shall become desolate until the time of the fulfilling of the covenant to your fathers."
God wants his family picture too. This I know. I'm part of this great gathering of God's family tree. It is most difficult to gather scattered Israel and get us all back under the same roof. Like my children- I am hard to wake, keep sleeping and ignore his voice-all the time. I'm resistant to making changes in my appearance and behavior. When asked to keep a particular commandment or "climb a tree" I question the command with "Really?" That's just stupid. And then there's the smiling part. He not only wants me to appear happy-he wants it to be a genuine smile-the outward reflecting my true inner self. The whole point of gospel covenants is to "be together." I mention it in a song lyric, "Gathered families saved from sin." We want to be gathered together as one big happy family. This concept of family gathering-so prevalent at Thanksgiving and Christmas, is so wonderful, it's no wonder I want to capture it, preserve it- even if it's for a small moment-in a family picture. I'm in good company.
Saturday, November 22, 2014
Valleys &Mountains/ Needs & Goals
This morning I was thinking about my last fall hike or should I say climb with my son a couple weeks ago. We were pressed for time, so instead of hiking to our nearest peak (Squaw Peak) I decided to take him up what I refer to as "danger" mountain. I call it "danger" because I would never take my students up this terrain for it is far too steep and unstable (many loose rocks/gravel etc) and it's just a accident waiting to happen. But it has such a pop at the top (when the view of the valley just pops into view) that I wanted to share it with my son. My son enjoyed trying to help his old lady mom by telling me what stones to place my foot on. Most of the time I didn't listen to him but just tried to scale the mountain without sliding around too much and protect my body at the same time. I know my own strengths and weaknesses and was not going to try to do the same things that my very athletic son did. Most of the time I was on all fours scrambling and trying to tread lightly. We judged our performance by how much we didn't slide or how much avalanche we caused with each step.
I loved having him go first over the ridge. It was so fun to share this moment with my son. Challenging ourselves and doing something difficult together was a great way to spend mother-son time together. I found a great lookout and ate my PBJ while surveying my kingdom-the place I have called home for the last 30 years-Utah County. My son loved the photo op. and took some great pictures with his fancy camera. We need to do more of these challenging outdoor adventures together; they really do bond us together. However we've had plenty of real world challenges bonding my little family together over the years that help us develop muscles we didn't even knew we had. I suppose that's one of the reasons those adventure types seek out problems or "challenges" on purpose- let's go climb a mountain.
I understand a little why people seek out challenges for "fun" but why would I seek out problems on purpose? Or why would you create a problem in the first place and tackle it? Some Recreational Therapists do exactly that-create problems. They use outdoor adventure, team building exercises and initiatives to challenge others to do hard things as a tool for insight into patterns of behavior and to encourage self-efficacy- creating a mastery experience. Most of the time, we don't have to go looking for problems- there are plenty right in front of us. They are what makes life-life. I love how mountains can be a symbol for problems. But what is the relationship between problems, needs, goals and strengths?
In the medical world we often use a POR-Problem Oriented Record. I mean, why would you ever seek out medical help unless you had some problem you were dealing with. However, the medical community is trying to move from a POR to a Strength Based paradigm. Instead of focusing on problems, we have to focus on strengths. More specifically, as I use my assessment, I'm looking for needs and strengths in several areas of major functioning. I refer to a problem or need as a deficit. I compare it to a valley. Then I take that valley (need) and turn it upside town to form a mountain (goal). The whole point of the assessment is to come up with a goal for my client. Then having identified existing strengths, the client can then use them to start climbing his very own mountain. And the kicker is that just trying to reach the goal not only utilizes strength but creates additional strength. Once we pop over the ridge we also have additional perspective that comes from our expanded, elevated view of our circumstances and increased understanding of our overarching purpose.
God has problems. BIG problems. The whole plan of salvation was laid out to address 2 big problems: DEATH and SEPARATION (physical and spiritual death). I'm so glad he has a PLAN or goal. His work or goal is for the immortality and eternal life of man. I'm glad he provided a Savior for us to solve these problems and strengthen us through the enabling power of his atonement. I'm grateful he has given us personal gifts and talents to give us additional strength on our ascent. I too want an elevated view of life-to use these mountains to see these valleys with an elevated view of life.
I loved having him go first over the ridge. It was so fun to share this moment with my son. Challenging ourselves and doing something difficult together was a great way to spend mother-son time together. I found a great lookout and ate my PBJ while surveying my kingdom-the place I have called home for the last 30 years-Utah County. My son loved the photo op. and took some great pictures with his fancy camera. We need to do more of these challenging outdoor adventures together; they really do bond us together. However we've had plenty of real world challenges bonding my little family together over the years that help us develop muscles we didn't even knew we had. I suppose that's one of the reasons those adventure types seek out problems or "challenges" on purpose- let's go climb a mountain.
I understand a little why people seek out challenges for "fun" but why would I seek out problems on purpose? Or why would you create a problem in the first place and tackle it? Some Recreational Therapists do exactly that-create problems. They use outdoor adventure, team building exercises and initiatives to challenge others to do hard things as a tool for insight into patterns of behavior and to encourage self-efficacy- creating a mastery experience. Most of the time, we don't have to go looking for problems- there are plenty right in front of us. They are what makes life-life. I love how mountains can be a symbol for problems. But what is the relationship between problems, needs, goals and strengths?
In the medical world we often use a POR-Problem Oriented Record. I mean, why would you ever seek out medical help unless you had some problem you were dealing with. However, the medical community is trying to move from a POR to a Strength Based paradigm. Instead of focusing on problems, we have to focus on strengths. More specifically, as I use my assessment, I'm looking for needs and strengths in several areas of major functioning. I refer to a problem or need as a deficit. I compare it to a valley. Then I take that valley (need) and turn it upside town to form a mountain (goal). The whole point of the assessment is to come up with a goal for my client. Then having identified existing strengths, the client can then use them to start climbing his very own mountain. And the kicker is that just trying to reach the goal not only utilizes strength but creates additional strength. Once we pop over the ridge we also have additional perspective that comes from our expanded, elevated view of our circumstances and increased understanding of our overarching purpose.
God has problems. BIG problems. The whole plan of salvation was laid out to address 2 big problems: DEATH and SEPARATION (physical and spiritual death). I'm so glad he has a PLAN or goal. His work or goal is for the immortality and eternal life of man. I'm glad he provided a Savior for us to solve these problems and strengthen us through the enabling power of his atonement. I'm grateful he has given us personal gifts and talents to give us additional strength on our ascent. I too want an elevated view of life-to use these mountains to see these valleys with an elevated view of life.
Saturday, November 15, 2014
Puzzle People/Solution Focused
This morning I was thinking about puzzles, problems and solutions. I received a great compliment this week in treatment team. One of my supervisors was commenting to our C.O.O. about my performance. He said I was "solution focused-action oriented. Instead of complaining about problems, Erin does something about them or comes up with a plan." Wow-that's something I can use on my Linkedin resume STAT. I thanked him him for his comments and compared my actions to putting pieces together in a puzzle and the satisfaction that comes when it all fits together. But why in the heck did I use that puzzle reference?
I hate puzzles-always have. As a child, I saw absolutely no value in spending my time to put stupid little pieces together to make a picture. Just buy a picture. Why cut it up into a 1000 pieces and put it back together again. I felt similar disdain for crossword puzzles, brain teasers, and even board games. I felt it was a big giant waste of time. I know you can use those games/puzzles to bring people together, but I have rarely utilized them-and here I am the big Recreation Therapist! I use the word "hate" and I mean it. Life is hard enough. Why make it hard on purpose?
I know puzzles are supposed to "help your brain-make you smarter etc." So let me be stupid. I'll proclaim it. I did last night, and many nights prior, when I marched upstairs and asked my daughter to solve a practical puzzle problem of adjusting metal bakers shelves. I get frustrated so quickly. I usually end up breaking things or throwing them away-like my vacuum cleaner-last week. I'm the opposite of a fixer- I'm a breaker. My dad often told me that even though I got straight A's I had no common sense-no practical smarts. Guess he's right. My daughter says she gets great satisfaction from solving practical problems. She mentioned how you never have to force pieces to make them fit, you just need step back, see how the pieces are arranged and then you can think of different angels to approach those pieces. I like that. I think it has great symbolic application to other arenas.
People have always held more interest to me. Now people puzzles-that's the ticket. I find I'm becoming more of a team player as I not only use my own talent and energy to solve a group problems, but I also try to utilize other people's talent and energy as well. The mental energy comes from brainstorming solutions- or in some case trying to do mental gymnastics. I'm not too good thinking on my feet and coming up with spontaneous suggestions- I need time to really crunch ideas on my own and mentally evaluate and set goals. Once I've had think tank time, then I can present possible solutions or goals to the group- usually in the form of an email with an attached proposal. Even if my problem solving plan isn't implemented, which many times it isn't, the whole mental exercise is not in vain. It helps me increase neural pathways or brain connections that those puzzle people like to talk about. No exercise is in vain-not just physical exercise, but mental exercise; even if it's not strength building- at least moving around (range of motion) is better than nothing.
It is a beautiful picture when everyone comes together for the common good. I can think of this solved problem as a completed picture on a stupid 1000 piece puzzle. It can be extremely satisfying. But with these people puzzles, the problems represent unmet needs. The solution represents helping. So everything is done in service-meaningful service. Even though I get paid to help, it still feels good to help. I am thankful for the many people puzzles in my life-and who knows- maybe I'll develop a greater appreciation for puzzle people.
I hate puzzles-always have. As a child, I saw absolutely no value in spending my time to put stupid little pieces together to make a picture. Just buy a picture. Why cut it up into a 1000 pieces and put it back together again. I felt similar disdain for crossword puzzles, brain teasers, and even board games. I felt it was a big giant waste of time. I know you can use those games/puzzles to bring people together, but I have rarely utilized them-and here I am the big Recreation Therapist! I use the word "hate" and I mean it. Life is hard enough. Why make it hard on purpose?
I know puzzles are supposed to "help your brain-make you smarter etc." So let me be stupid. I'll proclaim it. I did last night, and many nights prior, when I marched upstairs and asked my daughter to solve a practical puzzle problem of adjusting metal bakers shelves. I get frustrated so quickly. I usually end up breaking things or throwing them away-like my vacuum cleaner-last week. I'm the opposite of a fixer- I'm a breaker. My dad often told me that even though I got straight A's I had no common sense-no practical smarts. Guess he's right. My daughter says she gets great satisfaction from solving practical problems. She mentioned how you never have to force pieces to make them fit, you just need step back, see how the pieces are arranged and then you can think of different angels to approach those pieces. I like that. I think it has great symbolic application to other arenas.
People have always held more interest to me. Now people puzzles-that's the ticket. I find I'm becoming more of a team player as I not only use my own talent and energy to solve a group problems, but I also try to utilize other people's talent and energy as well. The mental energy comes from brainstorming solutions- or in some case trying to do mental gymnastics. I'm not too good thinking on my feet and coming up with spontaneous suggestions- I need time to really crunch ideas on my own and mentally evaluate and set goals. Once I've had think tank time, then I can present possible solutions or goals to the group- usually in the form of an email with an attached proposal. Even if my problem solving plan isn't implemented, which many times it isn't, the whole mental exercise is not in vain. It helps me increase neural pathways or brain connections that those puzzle people like to talk about. No exercise is in vain-not just physical exercise, but mental exercise; even if it's not strength building- at least moving around (range of motion) is better than nothing.
It is a beautiful picture when everyone comes together for the common good. I can think of this solved problem as a completed picture on a stupid 1000 piece puzzle. It can be extremely satisfying. But with these people puzzles, the problems represent unmet needs. The solution represents helping. So everything is done in service-meaningful service. Even though I get paid to help, it still feels good to help. I am thankful for the many people puzzles in my life-and who knows- maybe I'll develop a greater appreciation for puzzle people.
Saturday, November 8, 2014
Cuddle Connection /Emotional Bonding
This morning I was thinking about cuddling and the emotional bonding associated with it. Yesterday I was struck by a comment while assessing a 8 year old boy prone to violent mood swings. Our whole interview was like a violent mood swing; one moment I felt if I accidentally touched him he would physically attack me and the next minute he was describing his relationship with his parents by his love of cuddling with them. I've done a lot of assessments and I have never heard a child respond to family history question using that particular word-"cuddling". In some ways his response didn't fit his defensive, explosive style, yet at the same time, it made perfect sense; some of the most unsafe people are the ones with the highest need for emotional safety. Or as a therapist put it, "Hurt people hurt people."
I was also thinking about this cuddling connection as I awoke to my "Charlie and the Chocolate Factory" bed full of children. My son, visiting from college, came in last night complaining of having nowhere to sleep. Even though my daughter has been sleeping in my bed, I told him there was plenty of room for all of us. I remember early times in my family when every single one of my children crowded into our full size bed like kittens snuggled up in a litter. Those were the good days.
Early this morning as my son raised his hand in the air to signal, I knew he meant- "Cuddle Me!" While gathering him in my arms, I couldn't help but think of this great connection we've had every since those glorious days of taking afternoon naps together. Cole, my caboose, was my baby I had time to enjoy-and I did. While cuddling, I remember a feeling of mother love washing over me so deeply -it actually hurt inside. How I loved my boy! Though I have not been a good parent in a million ways, my x-husband and I have a fabulous cuddle connection with each of our children. Whenever they have felt anxious, or whenever we have felt anxious, it was as if cuddling could "make it all better." The world is a cold, dark, scary place at times. It's easy to feel alone, to face it alone, or have the emotional strength to tackle daily challenges. Cuddling provides love, peace, safety, comfort, assurance, acceptance, warmth and a bunch of other good feelings I can't describe too well. It's saying we know, love and accept someone and they know, love and accept us in return. Our hearts are completely 100% safe with them. Cuddling is a symbol for the emotional bond existing in relationships.
I've had this "cuddle connection" with very few people in my life-my children and my first husband-that's it. I didn't even cuddle with my own parents, but we had a great relationship. The deep feelings accompanying cuddling don't just magically appear with someone we don't really know. It's intimate and personal. Cuddling is all about being close. For me, cuddling is a litmus test measuring the strength of my emotional bond and intimacy with another human being. It was the tell-tale sign that my latest marriage was not working. I did not enjoy cuddling with him. I don't know if it was because he was such an anxious person that I never felt safe or comfortable, or if our connection wasn't deep enough because it was too new. Whatever it was-our cuddling just lacked weight. Like a heavy comforter, being weighted down not only provides warmth but a sense of security.
I also know that cuddling can't solve all the problems in the world. Though it was a touch stone in my first marriage, it could not save the day. I vividly remember the last time I cuddled with my first husband. We were in a cold (I'm always cold), sparsely decorated room with a light blanket on a black iron bed (no heavy comforter) in Panama. I felt like I was in a jail cell. Though it was him and it was me, our cuddling could not manufacture the safety we both were seeking. Not long after our parting he was extradited from Panama and thrown in jail. No more cuddling for us. For safety and other reasons, I severed the connection. However, this separation could not erase the bond we forged through 23 years of cuddling. I remember how it felt.
One part is certain, we can't stay connected 24/7. Separation is bound to come for all of us. We have to get out of bed or off the couch. We have to live our life. Even as my son pulls me back in bed saying, "Don't leave me." I have to. So he pleads, "give me a hug" and I do. Hugs are to cuddling as kisses are to sex. There's a couplet for you. Hugs are GREAT! I like being a touchy person. I try to respect personal space and boundaries but I push it-because I can. I give "side hugs" all the time at our residential treatment center. It is part of my therapeutic relationship with each of my clients. The touch says, "I care."
I receive hugs often from a loving Heavenly Father through his gentle touch as he shows he cares. I love how the Holy Ghost is referred to as "the comforter." I have felt this warm spirit deeply throughout my life. At times the Spirit's influence has been like a weighted blanket providing the security, peace, love, assurance, and acceptance I so desperately seek. Like the little boy, I too have my own erratic mood swings; if there's such a thing as spiritual cuddling with my Heavenly parents-then I'm all in.
I was also thinking about this cuddling connection as I awoke to my "Charlie and the Chocolate Factory" bed full of children. My son, visiting from college, came in last night complaining of having nowhere to sleep. Even though my daughter has been sleeping in my bed, I told him there was plenty of room for all of us. I remember early times in my family when every single one of my children crowded into our full size bed like kittens snuggled up in a litter. Those were the good days.
Early this morning as my son raised his hand in the air to signal, I knew he meant- "Cuddle Me!" While gathering him in my arms, I couldn't help but think of this great connection we've had every since those glorious days of taking afternoon naps together. Cole, my caboose, was my baby I had time to enjoy-and I did. While cuddling, I remember a feeling of mother love washing over me so deeply -it actually hurt inside. How I loved my boy! Though I have not been a good parent in a million ways, my x-husband and I have a fabulous cuddle connection with each of our children. Whenever they have felt anxious, or whenever we have felt anxious, it was as if cuddling could "make it all better." The world is a cold, dark, scary place at times. It's easy to feel alone, to face it alone, or have the emotional strength to tackle daily challenges. Cuddling provides love, peace, safety, comfort, assurance, acceptance, warmth and a bunch of other good feelings I can't describe too well. It's saying we know, love and accept someone and they know, love and accept us in return. Our hearts are completely 100% safe with them. Cuddling is a symbol for the emotional bond existing in relationships.
I've had this "cuddle connection" with very few people in my life-my children and my first husband-that's it. I didn't even cuddle with my own parents, but we had a great relationship. The deep feelings accompanying cuddling don't just magically appear with someone we don't really know. It's intimate and personal. Cuddling is all about being close. For me, cuddling is a litmus test measuring the strength of my emotional bond and intimacy with another human being. It was the tell-tale sign that my latest marriage was not working. I did not enjoy cuddling with him. I don't know if it was because he was such an anxious person that I never felt safe or comfortable, or if our connection wasn't deep enough because it was too new. Whatever it was-our cuddling just lacked weight. Like a heavy comforter, being weighted down not only provides warmth but a sense of security.
I also know that cuddling can't solve all the problems in the world. Though it was a touch stone in my first marriage, it could not save the day. I vividly remember the last time I cuddled with my first husband. We were in a cold (I'm always cold), sparsely decorated room with a light blanket on a black iron bed (no heavy comforter) in Panama. I felt like I was in a jail cell. Though it was him and it was me, our cuddling could not manufacture the safety we both were seeking. Not long after our parting he was extradited from Panama and thrown in jail. No more cuddling for us. For safety and other reasons, I severed the connection. However, this separation could not erase the bond we forged through 23 years of cuddling. I remember how it felt.
One part is certain, we can't stay connected 24/7. Separation is bound to come for all of us. We have to get out of bed or off the couch. We have to live our life. Even as my son pulls me back in bed saying, "Don't leave me." I have to. So he pleads, "give me a hug" and I do. Hugs are to cuddling as kisses are to sex. There's a couplet for you. Hugs are GREAT! I like being a touchy person. I try to respect personal space and boundaries but I push it-because I can. I give "side hugs" all the time at our residential treatment center. It is part of my therapeutic relationship with each of my clients. The touch says, "I care."
I receive hugs often from a loving Heavenly Father through his gentle touch as he shows he cares. I love how the Holy Ghost is referred to as "the comforter." I have felt this warm spirit deeply throughout my life. At times the Spirit's influence has been like a weighted blanket providing the security, peace, love, assurance, and acceptance I so desperately seek. Like the little boy, I too have my own erratic mood swings; if there's such a thing as spiritual cuddling with my Heavenly parents-then I'm all in.
Saturday, November 1, 2014
Every Day is Halloween/ Dress Up
This morning I was thinking about dressing up. As Halloween approaches ever year, the big question is "What are you going to be for Halloween?" I remember feeling a little stressed because I usually had no idea, was working with limited resources, and many times had to outfit a whole family. The stress continued with the follow up question, "Now-what are you suppose to be again?" I had this question yesterday from students as I showed up to work with my face painted green, dressed in black, with spiders in my hair. My responses ranged from, "Whatever you want me to be" to "Black Widow Witch-because I devour men and destroy their lives." One girl looked at me and said, "That doesn't make sense" to which I replied, "Well, I don't make sense either!"
Sometimes the amount of stress and how long it takes me to get dressed in the morning is a barometer for my own mental health. I sometimes feel overwhelmed, insecure and become extremely indecisive, evidenced by trying clothes on and off and leaving them strewn about the bedroom. I have this same level of indecision when shopping. However when it fits, and screams"this is me," I buy it.
When putting together my "look" I consider how I feel-or how I want to feel, what I might be doing that day, and perhaps the weather. I guess I also decide what "character" I'm going to be. Do I want to look like a professional, a trophy wife, a bohemian, an athlete, a camper, a general authority, a housewife, a hooker, slob, a millionaire, a bag lady, a granola chick, my classy sister, etc, etc. It's a grab bag of expression-you never quite know what you're gonna get with Erin. Sometimes my family has tried to pin down my look. I remember my mom buying me the most ridiculous barrette covered in bright colored miniature balloons and ribbon and stating, "I saw this and thought-this is Erin." Wow mom-thanks. I also have my fashion police sister inside my head at all times. I can't tell you how many times she rolled her eyes and asked, "You're not really going to wear that are you? You look ridiculous. You look like a hooker. You look like a clown. (Maybe that balloon thing really did match me.) I try to emulate her classy look, it's one of my character choices.
The other day I tried to put a work outfit together suitable for painting with my students. I decided on a blouse I previously ruined while cleaning the BBQ. I put on a previously semi-ruined paint splattered jean skirt. I threw my hair in a pony tail because I didn't feel like washing it. Then I had to try to make my outfit "work acceptable" so I had to think of some big distractions so people wouldn't notice my greasy sleeve cuffs or my small paint spots. I opted for some bright red lipstick, a bright turquoise necklace and a lovely scarf for my pony tail. When satisfied with my look, the voice of my sister came to me telling me how ridiculous I looked. I'm pretty use to this voice of fashion criticism, and retorted,"Hey- every day is Halloween so I'm going to celebrate!" Later that morning I shared that sentiment while doing an assessment. The patient related how she hated when holidays dictated actions that could only be done on that day. She thought she should be able to act a certain way whenever she wanted, not when someone told her to. It went along with her defiance when responding to parental requests. So I guess there's that too-the freedom of personal expression. I suppose that's why my mom never stopped me when I literally went out the front door wearing my clothes inside out and backwards, which I confess I still unknowingly do at times. My mom later explained, "I just let Erin, be Erin."
Who is to say what "Erin" is. I don't even know. And at times I don't even know what I want to be. But I have ideas. And thankfully, I don't have to rely on "Pintrest" but can turn to the scriptures and latter day examples of characters to emulate. I know it's all about the creation of character-the building of character. I know how I want to feel. I know I want to be more like my Father in heaven. I want to be clothed in glory, immortality and eternal lives. I can symbolically dress-up everyday and instead of dressing for pretense, I can be dressing up for real.
Sometimes the amount of stress and how long it takes me to get dressed in the morning is a barometer for my own mental health. I sometimes feel overwhelmed, insecure and become extremely indecisive, evidenced by trying clothes on and off and leaving them strewn about the bedroom. I have this same level of indecision when shopping. However when it fits, and screams"this is me," I buy it.
When putting together my "look" I consider how I feel-or how I want to feel, what I might be doing that day, and perhaps the weather. I guess I also decide what "character" I'm going to be. Do I want to look like a professional, a trophy wife, a bohemian, an athlete, a camper, a general authority, a housewife, a hooker, slob, a millionaire, a bag lady, a granola chick, my classy sister, etc, etc. It's a grab bag of expression-you never quite know what you're gonna get with Erin. Sometimes my family has tried to pin down my look. I remember my mom buying me the most ridiculous barrette covered in bright colored miniature balloons and ribbon and stating, "I saw this and thought-this is Erin." Wow mom-thanks. I also have my fashion police sister inside my head at all times. I can't tell you how many times she rolled her eyes and asked, "You're not really going to wear that are you? You look ridiculous. You look like a hooker. You look like a clown. (Maybe that balloon thing really did match me.) I try to emulate her classy look, it's one of my character choices.
The other day I tried to put a work outfit together suitable for painting with my students. I decided on a blouse I previously ruined while cleaning the BBQ. I put on a previously semi-ruined paint splattered jean skirt. I threw my hair in a pony tail because I didn't feel like washing it. Then I had to try to make my outfit "work acceptable" so I had to think of some big distractions so people wouldn't notice my greasy sleeve cuffs or my small paint spots. I opted for some bright red lipstick, a bright turquoise necklace and a lovely scarf for my pony tail. When satisfied with my look, the voice of my sister came to me telling me how ridiculous I looked. I'm pretty use to this voice of fashion criticism, and retorted,"Hey- every day is Halloween so I'm going to celebrate!" Later that morning I shared that sentiment while doing an assessment. The patient related how she hated when holidays dictated actions that could only be done on that day. She thought she should be able to act a certain way whenever she wanted, not when someone told her to. It went along with her defiance when responding to parental requests. So I guess there's that too-the freedom of personal expression. I suppose that's why my mom never stopped me when I literally went out the front door wearing my clothes inside out and backwards, which I confess I still unknowingly do at times. My mom later explained, "I just let Erin, be Erin."
Who is to say what "Erin" is. I don't even know. And at times I don't even know what I want to be. But I have ideas. And thankfully, I don't have to rely on "Pintrest" but can turn to the scriptures and latter day examples of characters to emulate. I know it's all about the creation of character-the building of character. I know how I want to feel. I know I want to be more like my Father in heaven. I want to be clothed in glory, immortality and eternal lives. I can symbolically dress-up everyday and instead of dressing for pretense, I can be dressing up for real.
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