Cafeteria Rejection

This morning I was thinking about cafeteria rejection, or social rejection.  This morning I woke up from a disturbing dream about traveling on the boat of an older Long Beach couple (I had known their daughter and son) and being left by them without a cell phone on a deserted San Diego Beach.  I knew this couple could care less about me but I guess it was nice of them to leave me at a  So. Cal. beach.  Right?   Instead of trying to describe the details of my bizarre dream, I tried to analyze why I had the dream in the first place.  I believe it was about social rejection- people who didn't know me, didn't like me-or what is probably worse-were completely indifferent.  Right away I knew why these feelings were rolling around in my subconscious waiting to manifest themselves in my dream;  it was because how I felt during the banquet/cafeteria time at my recent URTA (Utah Recreation Therapy Association) conference.  Bingo!

I've been to these conferences for the past 5 years.  I see familiar faces-they are the leaders of our Utah group.  Heck, the URTA president for 2 of those years is my own boss.  If I ever had a chance to be in the "in" crowd it was during these past 5 years.  All I had to do was start contributing-be on the board-help out with a committee-attend legislative sessions, join the national organization- do SOMETHING to advocate for my profession. But I didn't. I know the names of these leaders, but I know they don't know mine. I felt like I was advocating for my profession by attending these conferences, attending intern and best practices workshops, learning how to do my job well-basing it on sound philosophy, theories, and evidenced based practices, teaching interns.  Nevertheless, though I have made inroads, I'm still not very connected to other professionals in my field.  At least, evidenced by my search for a place to sit down in the cafeteria. I wandered around the ballroom for about 5 minutes trying to find someone to sit with.  I could tell that even my intern didn't want to sit with me.  I didn't want to bug my boss by sitting with friends.  So I sat with strangers.  I can make small talk with anyone, but I still felt like a social reject.  On the bright side-the food was good.

I guess this feeling of "social rejection" is why I haven't been doing "Tinder" lately also.  It really wasn't any big deal, but the fact the well-off short guy didn't want to get to know me better kind of hurt. And I suppose all those Tinder text conversations I opted out of, or didn't even start, didn't feel too great either for those parties involved.  Here you say you "like" them by pressing on the heart and then there is no follow through.  I'm not too good at follow through.  Do I even care?  Do I want to get to know them?  Do I want to "like" them beyond pressing a green heart symbol? I think I figured out that I wasn't going to find anyone I liked well enough to invest my time and energy in.  And if I did invest my time and energy in someone, perhaps they would get the wrong impression that I "liked" them but not enough to really commit.  And then, maybe if I don't like them enough or at least as much as I liked my first husband, then I would be the one wielding the sharp dagger of social rejection.  Did that before.  Not fun and not fair.  And yet, I don't want to be stranded on a deserted beach with no one to call.

So what to do?  David Austin, our keynote speaker, put it best when he pointed about the differences between "customer" and "citizen" mentalities when approaching professional duties.  Customers focus on own desires/wants, meet needs now, and expect services when investing time and money.  Citizens focus on the common good, take a long term view, and contribute to a common cause.  I don't quite know what this has to do with being a citizen in the dating community, but the path is clear regarding my professional and ecclesiastical duties. I don't think apathy in any of those arenas will do anyone, including myself, any good.   

 I suppose it's just another lesson teaching me to have more empathy for the social outcast.  I know there are those who feel like outcasts as less active members of the church.  I know I sometimes approach gospel living in a cafeteria style-picking and choosing what commandments to focus on at the moment.  When attending church, I know it's not fun to walk in and try to figure out where to sit when you don't have family and don't really know people. However,  I try to tell my children that the key to meaningful church participation is church service.  The more we give, the more we get and the more we feel like we belong.  At least that has been my experience.  If I would have just showed up for church to listen all these years (like I show up to these URTA conferences) I would have died of boredom-literally!  Rather, through teaching others the principles of the gospel and getting involved- I have come alive and felt connected to the main body of Christ.  Paul preaches in Ephesians 2: 18-19:
 For through him we both have access by one Spirit unto the Father

Now therefore ye are no more strangers and foreigners, but fellow-citizens with the saints, and of the household of God;

Though my part is small and ever changing-it is still a part and I belong. Through service as a citizen and not just a customer, I can be involved in a a cause greater than myself.  And in so doing, I actually meet some of my "customer" needs as well.  I know as a member of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints- I am known.  I am cared for.  I am loved.  Rather than social rejection, I continue to feel acceptance and inclusion.  I have someone to call.  I have someone to care about.   I have someone to sit with. 

Left Alone in the Cold vs. Caring

This morning I was thinking about being left alone in the cold verses caring.  On Friday, I was so full of cares that I carelessly left a student back at camp/cabins and had to double back quickly to get her.  And this was the gal I had just a few hours prior tried to assuage her hysteria  about peers by reminding her, "I care about YOU!"  Though I was fortunate other staff were still at the campsite, I still replay events leading up to this mistake trying to auto-correct.  It's  only fair I beat myself up for letting important matters slip through the cracks-especially since these kids are in my care and I'm responsible for their safety.  The line of the song from "Into the Woods" keeps going through my mind:"People make mistakes-terrible mistakes-holding to their own-thinking they're alone." How did I hold to my own?  Did I think I was alone? I know the student felt alone when she was freaking out saying nobody wanted to be her friend.  I know she felt alone when the van with all her peers was no longer in the parking lot. When arriving on the scene,  all I could do was roll down the window and say, We LOVE you!  We came back for you!  You are so important!- now get in the van!"

The funny thing was 95% of the camp trip was absolutely care free- the weather was perfect, NOT COLD, I had plenty of staff, the activities were going off without a hitch, the girls were actually getting along- that is until the last hour-then everything unraveled.  Though I had delegated certain cabin/bathroom cleaning and supervision tasks,  I didn't quite communicate them properly because I literally felt like a chicken with its' head cut off running around by myself in utter chaos while breaking up fights, calming down defiant, angry kids, barking out directions, administering noon meds, holding ice to a head to a bleeding-wailing girl who face planted while running around, throwing gear into the van,  and trying to prepare for camp check out.  The girls were done helping but there was still too much left undone. It was getting late and staff were anxious about missing important commitments.  And all the while, kid after kid approached me with their "urgent" requests for help.  I wanted to help-I wanted to give care according to their needs.  All I knew was that I needed to get out of there- NOW and get back. We arrived safely back to campus, even though a student filled up a barf bag on the way...we made it!  

So this is life.  Left to my own devices-or trying to do things on my own doesn't work too well.  No matter how noble the desire to give care, I fall short. I'm trying to be a better team player and improve leadership skills.This weekend I spent a lot of time alone putting gear away, carefully cleaning up, trying to put the Humpty-Dumpty aspects of my life back together.  I do not want to "hold to my own or think I'm alone."  I don't think anyone wants to be left out in the cold.   Symbolically, I sometimes leave others out in the cold.   I inadvertently leave them hanging, even if it's just because I'm wrapped up in my own momentary chaos. I could tell my daughter felt like she was left in the cold by not being available for her phone call while driving through the canyon. My sister felt like she was left in the cold when I didn't respond to her text messages this week. It was important for me to symbolically double back, show up, roll down the window and say, "I love and care about you- I'm here now." So one of the first things I did when getting back to campus was to  plop down in my office chair and listen to my daughter on the phone as she described her dilemmas.  Yesterday I called my sister and started planning a get-away for her birthday.  I don't want to be so full of cares that I'm careless,  Rather I want to CARE, not thinking I'm alone or leaving others out in the cold. 

Expected/Unexpected Drops

 This morning I was thinking about the expected/unexpected snowstorm; expected, because it is IS winter, I think; unexpected because we haven't had such a dry winter in the 32 years I've been in this state. I mean, I'm from California-so I don't need snow to be happy like these Utah people-but I do need water (especially for my bath ritual) and every little drop makes a difference.  The snow will have quite an impact on my upcoming "winter" camp outs with the students this week-maybe I won't have to resort to plan B spring-like activities and actually have enough snow to sled.  The snow yesterday also had an impact on my highway travels as I attempted to meet expectations and be 4 different places at the same time. I had it expertly planned out;  I would swing by my aunt's for a short visit, hit a best friend's son's reception in Salt Lake, make an appearance at the work party in Provo and end with another wedding reception in Alpine.  As I was traveling on the roads with the snow pelting my windshield I started to laugh at myself at my stupidity. Who would really even miss me if I died from an unexpected car accident in this snow storm? I was driving way too fast in a effort to meet my self imposed expectations-to get there-show up-make an appearance.  Did I really think I was that important that my contributions would be missed?  Probably not- all my gestures to show support and love are just another drop in the bucket.  Does this couple really need my simple wedding gift?  Do my aunt and uncle need a drop by visit? Does my son's friend really need one more person giving him and hug and telling him how proud we are of his wise choices?  Do I really have to show up at this work party just because HR and my clinical director said I should?  Their "should go" comments let me know my attendance was expected.  It  also got me thinking that I might be receiving some type of recognition. 

Expecting recognition is such a vain endeavor.   Especially when there are so many people in my work organization so deserving of recognition are unappreciated, devalued, demoted,  written up, forced into retirement, and even fired.  People give so much and often don't expect anything in return-they just give and give-drop by drop.  And here I am- showing up late to the dinner party with a ballroom full of people, stuffing food in my face, and thinking-I need to get this award thing over so I can get to my son's best friend's wedding send off.  But I soon realized that this shin-dig was a big deal and I was expected to stay in my seat-listen to our CEO's presentation of our collective accomplishments, cheer on my cohorts, and show support.  There was an unseen expectation-I should stay.

As they started to give out the awards and show the slide show, I started to doubt that I was one of the 30 recipients.  After all, no one had come to take a special picture of me or include a personalized quote as the winners seemed to have.  Perhaps I had misunderstood the HR/Clinical Director expectation- maybe they were just encouraging everyone to go because it was important to show support.  How silly of me to even think I was winning an award.  I'm such a silly prima donna.  It took me back to all those high school days of being nominated for Homecoming Queen, or Basketball princess, or Hall of Fame, etc, etc...and waiting for my name to be called...and it wasn't.  I was nominated and recognized-but never won. No crown for me. You should have heard my internal dialogue.  I was also ashamed for even wanting recognition and some public outpouring of love.  At the same time, I have so much self-love that I was warring with my doubting voices saying that even if I'm overlooked-I am deserving.  I contribute by golly.  My little drop has ripples of influence-this I know.   And no little glass trophy is going to make a difference in my commitment to do what I can to make a difference in the workplace. It was a dumb conversation going on while my internal clock kept ticking reminding me I needed to get out of there-off to meeting my next expectation.

I ended up being recognized, even though I was awkward when receiving the award. It was nice and I'm glad to be included in the "winners circle" for a brief moment.  I slipped out as soon as I could and called my son, knowing  I had missed the reception.  Lucky for me, the groom got on the phone and I was able to tell him that I loved him and was so happy for him.  That's what I wanted to communicate personally with a hug.  My brief shout out was all I could do at this point.  I LOVE YOU-that's my drop.   I give you my best.  I give you my all.  I give you what I have to give.  All my feeble contributions are just ways to say, "I love you-you are important to me."

I'm trying to do what I can do-which may not be much-but it's still my drop.   It reminds me of a great quote by Mother Teresa included in Jeffrey Holland's General Conference address.   
 “What we do is nothing but a drop in the ocean,” she would say on another occasion. “But if we didn’t do it, the ocean would be one drop less [than it is].”

Whether a drop, or an unexpected-expected snowflake it might be noticed, or silently fall, but regardless, it makes an impact-even if it's just to meet the expectation to love God and love my fellow man. Many times a drop is accompanied by unexpected sensation of feeling God's love in return-and THAT drop, waters my heart. 

Judgment Calls for Wisdom

This morning I was thinking about judgment calls I made this week-some not too wise.  My heart was already feeling a little anxious, which made decision making even more difficult. I don't even know why I've been so insecure lately.  One of my fickle and unfaithful partners in  Recreation Therapy is the weather.  Weather is an emotional beast-we never quite know what SHE is going to do.  Yet the x-country ski trip was on the sacred calendar, so I thought we needed to at least try to follow through with the plan to find some snow for experimentation with skis.  I tried to involve the students in the problem solving process, which only added to the emotional influence of the decision.  End result?  My intern summed it up pretty well as he called us wild land fire fighters dealing with brush fires-one melt down after another as the children struggled for success in icy conditions. And so it goes.  It was just a little too challenging and I should have known better.  Should have made a better judgment call...and I did with the girls trip.  We didn't go.  Instead we had a great after school leadership hike at Red ledges-taking advantage of our spring like conditions.  Live and learn.

One thing we learn in DBT (Dialectical Behavioral Therapy) is some mindfulness skills.  We practice focusing on one thing, not judging, and doing what works.  It's that judgment thing that tends to send us right over to our emotional brain.  One goal for DBT is trying to make decisions using the "wise mind".  This "place" is somewhere in between the rational and the emotional mind.  In Gordon Bruin's two brain theory, the limbic system (emotional brain)  and the prefrontal cortex (thinking brain) can't go to war against each other because the animal or survival brain is stronger and will win.  It's this middle ground where peace is found- a place of increased understanding, communication and connection between these aspects of our dual nature.  This place that allows our pre-frontal to influence and gently guide our limbic system.  I know in Freud's psyche construct, the super-ego, ego, and the id- we try to make rational decisions with the ego and not let the super judgy super-ego rule the day.  Judgment seems to bring out those perfectionist  tendencies that drive so much anxiety.  Yet judgment and using it is vital in making decisions when trying to distinguish between truth and error, between right and wrong.  I'm going to have to make judgment calls for the rest of my life, so I better get good at it or at least ask for greater wisdom.

If I could ask for one genie wish, would I ask for wisdom?  Probably not;  but Solomon did.  What preceded Solomon's petition for wisdom from the Lord was the realization Israel needed someone to sit in judgment. His father brought Israel together once more, but to keep it united would require wise judgment.  "And God said to Solomon, Because this was in thine heart, and thou hast not asked riches, wealth, or honour, nor the life of thine enemies, neither yet hast asked long life; but hast asked wisdom and knowledge for thyself, that thou mayest judge my people, over whom I have made thee king: Wisdom and knowledge is granted unto thee; and I will give thee riches, and wealth, and honour, such as none of the kings have had that have been before thee, neither shall there any after thee have the like."  (2 Chronicles 1:11, 12)

I think it is safe to say that I have plenty of waring voices inside me that need unification.  I too need to sit in judgment.  I need to make wise decisions.  I want to be the King of Me-not be controlled and subjugated by the will of my unruly parts and passions, or unstable weather moods.  I need wisdom.  I want wisdom to help me make better judgement calls.  I think Jacob says it best, "Oh be wise;  what can I say more?

Hearts and Flowers

This morning I was thinking of hearts and flowers.  Not of the traditional, it's Valentines so I will give you a heart full of candy and beautiful bouquet of roses, but of passionate loving people and their beautiful contributions.  You know they were there just because of what they left behind-and you don't quite have the heart to get rid of the flowers-everyone is still enjoying them.  It's these very personal touches that grab our attention like a pretty little flower-that's not really "needed" but so appreciated.  Every morning as I go through the glass doors to work, I'm still greeted by the hand-painted flowers left there by an artist therapist.  She's been gone for quite some time and we've had a complete remodel of our facility-but the custodian continues to carefully clean around them and nobody seems to mind.  I think we all agree, they add a personal touch to a lock down facility. 

This week at work, when trying to make sense of the departure of our Queen Bee administrator, I compared her contributions to these painted flowers. Nobody is going to be quick to eradicate her passionate contributions.  She has been the very HEART of our  Early Adolescent Program. She was one of the original creators and continued to shape it through her 14 or so years with it.   Signs of her life are everywhere and just because she will no longer be working on our campus, her presence will continue to be felt and appreciated, just like those painted flowers. In my mind, I called her queen bee, cause she really did call the shots in our program.  An accomplished athlete by nature, I could picture her leading her softball and basketball teams to victory.  I could sense she was a hot head, but that was part of her passion.  Through out her life, I knew she also turned that passion into an intense caring about the welfare of others.  I was often overwhelmed at her acts of personal sacrifice to help a friend or family member in need-above and beyond what a "normal" person would do.  She is dedicated to people. Though flawed, like we all are, I could always tell she loved and cared about the students-deeply.  She gave her all and I'm sure she will continue to make heartfelt, beautiful contributions in her new situation.

This week I've also been listening to Alan Menken's obscure "King David" soundtrack in the car.    It was my way to punctuate my current studies in the Old Testament and I guess I'm not quite ready to move on just yet.  David continues to inspire me-  I just LOVE him.   Though flawed, I so appreciate his passion and his beautiful contributions.   While driving to work, I burst into tears while listening to a powerful song from this musical.  I guess what got to me was hearing the character of David sing about his desire to be forgiven and the peace he felt.  Then the song shifted to the character of young Solomon (like a Vienna boys choir voice) singing:

 I am the blood of Abraham
The seed of an immortal line
Whose life was given to his God
Whose promise to his God is mine
And to this new Jerusalem
Our fathers come at last
The sons of Jacob live again
The glories of our sacred past

(full choir)

Jerusalem, Jerusalem
Though palaces may rise
Within your walls,
Your dust, your stones
Are prize enough
For these contended
Eyes

I guess I cried because I could not only relate to these lyrics, but I lay claim to them as well-they are mine. I also feel that way about so many of the beautiful psalms that David wrote.  As a musician and poet, we have an intimate view of what was going on in David's heart and mind. They were written  with such passion.  I can feel his heart.  I want to have a heart like that.  Most of the successive kings were compared to David- "his heart was not perfect with the Lord his God, as the heart of David his father" (1Kings 11:4). Who doesn't want "clean hands and a pure heart?" But I think the more important question is the one posed in the previous verse, "Who shall ascend into the hill of the Lord?  or who shall stand in his holy place?  He that hath clean hands and a pure heart, who hath not lifted his soul unto vanity, nor sworn deceitfully."  (Psalm 24:4).  It kind of puts things into perspective on this fine valentines day.  Makes me want to have a heart like David.  Makes me want to go to the temple to worship and sacrifice.  Makes me want to make passionate, beautiful contributions of hearts and flowers. 

Red High Heels/ Being Grounded

This morning I was thinking about my red satin high heels and the relief I felt after kicking them off last night.  I'm good in these puppies for about an hour, or less.  Not that I need high heels mind you.  Measuring almost 6.0' without them, I literally tower over everyone.  It's fun.  I use to be self-conscious about my height, but no more.  My first boyfriend absolutely forbade me from wearing anything but flats.  I guess everyone has a little bit of short man's syndrome.  We all seek to elevate ourselves in some fashion or another.  Even at 51, I'm still measuring myself against others- feeling less than or superior.  Sometimes standing above, sometimes standing below.  Competition and comparing myself to others comes naturally and I continue to struggle with the sin of pride.

Last night I attended a "heel worthy event" sponsored by our stake leaders to serve the older single adults.  It was a formal dinner with good food, long stem roses, heartfelt entertainment and lovely company. I say lovely because 90% of the attendees were devoted single sisters in their advanced years.  I appreciated seeing our prominent leaders wearing aprons as they served each guest personally, many times physically lowering themselves to greet us-trying to make us comfortable and welcome.  It wasn't quite like the Savior washing the feet of his apostles, but it was a physical reminder of debasing oneself to serve and being willing to do menial tasks.  Leaders really are servants of all, not just some men and women speaking to the masses from their high pulpits telling us how to achieve greatness.  Our stake president printed out an attractive booklets with speeches on love and placed them as decorations for each table.  His public remarks were brief as he touched on the concept of love and gave sincere compliments to the singles expressing gratitude for their lives and influence.  The whole event was meant to be a gesture of love, or at least that's how I took it.

I suppose that's the whole idea behind another invitation to "heel worthy event" I received in the mail this week from HR.  At first, as I read the invitation, I felt a surge of pride thinking it might be an exclusive event honoring "employee of the month" people as they acknowledged accomplishments and work contributions.   My first thought was-what to wear?  After all, in an event like "this" I want to look good-or at least look the part.  I was embarrassed with how deflated I felt when I got to work and looked at the calendar and realized that the planned celebration at the hotel was for everyone-it is to honor everyone and show appreciation.  Why did I want to be singled out? Why do other people's accomplishments diminish my own? Shouldn't I just be happy, and like the invitation states, "Celebrate"?

It reminded me of a question I received after delivering my lecture as guest speaker at a university positive psychology class this week.  I can't remember exactly how he phrased it, but the gist was how he could feel good in a social media age when everyone was always bombarding him with all their accomplishments and his tendency to compare it with what he was doing with his free time.  My response was immediate and I yammered on, rehearsing some of the concepts I had previously discussed in autonomy, mindfulness, and flow.  I pulled out my cell phone and noted our natural impulse to immediately respond to each message- each distractions and how these can pull us away from our present focus.  Our feelings are connected to what we choose to ignore or deal with in the moment.  Comparing ourselves with others and judging is a choice-and can be a distraction pulling us away from our focus.  This judgement switches us over to our emotional brain, to deal with the painful feelings of inadequacy. It just helps to focus on what we can truly control-which is this moment NOW.  I could live my whole life referring to the pain of my past or the uncertainties of my future, or even comparing myself with my 51 year old cohorts in the present and find all sorts of reasons to feel crummy.  But if I focus on what I can control, what I choose to focus on each moment-I can find all sorts of reasons to feel good.  My heart is beating, I am breathing, I am alive-right here-right now...Life is good. 

What I didn't say, and what I think is key in dealing with pride and the elevation or debasing of self, is LOVE.  Martin Luther King put it this way, "Hate cannot drive out hate:  only love can do that."  According to Ezra Taft Benson, "The central feature of pride is enmity—enmity toward God and enmity toward our fellowmen. Enmity means “hatred toward, hostility to, or a state of opposition."
As I continue to compare and compete, the phrase that continues to help me is "God loves (blank)just as much as he does me.  And he wants (blank) to have every blessing I have(and visa-versa)  I just don't see how I can go wrong if I focus on love. As I glance across the room and see my red satin high heels strewn across the floor,  they tell me to get off my high horse and put my bare feet on the floor (or better yet, kneel) being grounded in the present with LOVE .

Pay Attention-NOW!

This morning I was thinking about what I pay attention to.  My boss is really good at paying attention to each detail- right down to the blue tape perfectly positioned on each newly washed water bottle and then carefully placed in their matching carriers. This was done all for me, in an effort to make my life easier for the snowshoeing adventure with the students. She surely knew I wouldn't do it.  My attention to detail isn't so great.  I'm just lucky if I return to campus WITH the water bottles or matching sets of gloves. It's almost like the missing socks in the dryer every day for me.  I try.  I'm getting better-kind of.  My associate points out how she enjoys working with both of us; The boss is "OCD"- I'm a "free spirit" and she feels like she's in between.  It reminds me of the DBT paradigm of the emotional mind, the reasonable mind and the goal of having a "wise mind.' 

I went to an excellent presentation on Motivational Interviewing this week referencing the 2 part brain reminding me of this DBT construct.  In psycho-biology we have our limbic system-our instinctual survival brain avoiding pain-seeking pleasure.  Then we have our prefrontal cortex-center of reasoning, meaning, rational thought, seat of morality.  The key is helping the two parts work together, being able to guide the limbic system so we can act proactively and purposefully, with real intent.  I love the hope the presenter gave as he assured how our brain can always form new connections.  It is always growing and changing.  He compared the limbic system to being the teenager, and the prefrontal cortex being the parent.  We have to get permission from the parent to act. In this case the question posed to the parent could be, " I really want to pay attention to this...Can I"?  And the parent may say, "Sure take the keys-go for a spin".  Or maybe the parent says, "Let's shift our focus and pay attention to this over here." Everything fights for our attention-our basic drives for food/sleep/leisure/intimacy, the messy house, the errands we need to run, the voices of the people we love, the music on the radio, the text that just came in on the cell phone, the commercial on the TV, millions and millions of details bombarding us at every turn.   WE get to decide what to pay attention to.  We get to be the boss of our focus, or we can choose to live in a state of continual distraction.

It helps to have alternatives.  It's helpful to be instructed and engage in the process of educating our conscious mind so we can have better discernment as we strive to choose the good.  But ultimately, no-one can tell us what to do-cause our gut reaction is to fight back-don't tell me what to do!  I guess that includes the IT of our limbic system.  Our drives don't have to drive us.  I love the connection to "attention"-as the communication bridge between the 2 parts of the brain. My prefrontal cortex doesn't have to boss my limbic system around and tell it what to do-or try to CONTROL it.   Instead, I can distract IT.  Diversion Power vs. Will Power.  Any Rec. Therapist know diversion is just plain fun.  With leisure free time, the big question is always, "What am I going to do today?"  I can take that a step further and ask, "What am I going to pay attention to in this moment-each and every moment? 

I still have the song about moments from the "Into the Woods" soundtrack stuck in my head. The baker's wife sings, "Oh, if life were made of moments, even now and then a bad one! But if life were made of moments, then you'd never know you had one."  Yet, for me-moments are all really have.  One "now" after the next.  The "now" and what we attend to in that "now" is all we really have control of.  Controlling my attention can make the  big difference in being the big boss with the attention to detail. 

I can be the boss of my "now" and take charge.  Or like William Jennings Bryan puts it : "Destiny is not a matter of chance but a matter of choice."  I know we get what we really focus on.   I suppose it is related to the concept of having an "eye single."  The scriptures teach “if your eye be single to [God’s] glory, your whole [body] shall be filled with light”.  It's those darn eyes and what I choose to focus on, especially those important details.  So I better start paying attention-now!