This morning I was thinking not only about the history of the Provo City Center Temple, but my personal history with this sacred edifice. Though all temples are special-this temple has special meaning to residents of Provo and to me personally. This was the building where I received my university diploma. I have a great graduation picture wearing my black cap and gown, huge smile, set against the backdrop of spectacular stain glassed windows. This was the building where I spent many a 2-hour stake conference encouraging my children to be reverent while stuffing sour patch candies in my mouth A building where I looked down from the balcony after making our way to the available hard benches and saw the prophet, Gordon B. Hinkley who just happened to be in town. This was the building I passed every day for the last 5 years while traveling down University Ave to get to work. I remember the day it was in flames and how heartsick the community was about losing such a treasure. I watched as the workman gutted the destroyed building. Nothing appeared to have survived except the charred brick shell of a once glorious historic building. It looked liked a war zone complete with a bombed out building.
I rejoiced with other members of the church when the prophet, Thomas Monson, announced the church would be using the remains of the Provo Tabernacle to build a new Temple. This would become another one of the Church's "historic" temples. This building site had connections to Brigham Young as he designated the area as a good place to build a meeting house. The original tabernacle was designed by the same architect as the Salt Lake Temple-Truman Angel. After the original tabernacle was torn down, a new tabernacle was built a few blocks from the BYU academy building with funds raised by my first boyfriend's ancestor, Abraham Smoot. (Mark always told me I was so "lucky" to be dating a "Smoot.") The bell from the old tabernacle now resides in front of the Marriot Center-we rang the victory bell quite a lot in the 80's. BYU and the tabernacle had continued association not only for graduations but university leaders used the tabernacle as a public venue to bring the likes of Rachmaninoff, Helen Keller, Robert Frost to name a few.
Being such a historic site, the charred brick walls were braced and put on stilts allowing the construction site to literally become an archaeological dig. As I daily drove by this never ending construction project, I wondered what was going on and why it was taking so long to construct this temple. I knew they were working on the foundation, but I didn't realize they were looking for artifacts under the foundations of both the old and new tabernacle sites. I appreciated the symbolic significance as I was married in the stunning Provo Courthouse overlooking the construction site; one more reference of having "history together" with this would be temple.
So I guess it was no surprise when I walked into the City Center Temple open house and got choked up when one of the volunteers greeted us saying, "Welcome to the Temple" Talk about a makeovers! And this was a makeover of a pioneer friend. The antique replica furnishings and decor, intricate woodwork and beautiful stain glass windows pay homage to earlier pioneer times. As such, they inspire me and build my faith to be like these early pioneer saints; building with faith, one step at a time, one brick at a time. It is glorious. I look forward to doing temple service within those walls.
When gazing at the temple from a nearby restaurant window, I asked my kids to share some of their thoughts. My daughter made the connection between adversity and opportunity. If the tabernacle would have never burnt down, we would never had this temple; now there is beauty from ashes. No matter how burned out or decimated we feel, God helps us re-build, re-store our lives into something glorious. With dedication to the Lord, we can make our own burned down lives-holy. Over each temple is engraved the words, "HOLINESS TO THE LORD." This Provo City Center Temple stands as a beacon of hope; Hope for a glorious resurrection. Hope for a glorious change from ruin to temple. Hope breathing I too can change for the better.
I love my pioneer friend, The Provo City Center Temple. I'm so thankful for having history together.
Sunday, February 7, 2016
Sunday, January 31, 2016
Avoidance
This morning I was thinking about avoidance and how good I am at it. As proof, I wrote some sentences about avoidance a couple weeks ago, erased them, and then avoided writing in my blog for the past month. I've been avoiding all sorts of things; phone calls, letters, treasured friends, problems, responsibilities, just about everything. I couple avoidance with some of its other popular companion behaviors such as escapism, hiding, isolating and good old fashioned running away. One of my guilty pleasures is looking for RT jobs in Hawaii or beach cities in So. Cal. In fact, if there is ever a posting for a Recreation Therapist in Laguna Beach-I'm so out of here. So what am I running away from? Why am I so anxious these days? What are my issues? Too many to number.
Perhaps my latest behaviors are a knee jerk reaction to confronting my x-husband on the phone over the holidays. I felt like I drew a line in the sand stating he would not be living with me once he gets out of prison nor will we be connected financially in anyway. I'm sure I'll have to repeat that statement about 1000 times over the next year, but at least I've said it out loud and I think he understood. Over the past 7 years I've accumulated boxes and boxes of his letters and documents-the majority of them unopened. I suppose the letters are proof that someone in the universe still cares and wants me in some form or fashion. But more than that, I'm afraid that if I put an end to that, I may be putting an end to that-no support-you're on your own kid. Good luck with figuring out how to support yourself financially. Good luck with finding love. Lately, I've consigned myself to solidarity as I try to focus on my family, work, and church life. There's plenty to fill my life with meaning and purpose.
Though being a recluse surely isn't healthy, sometimes avoidance has an upside. I don't always have to be grabbing the bull by the horns and tackling every problem and issue. That surely isn't the strategy for all those wishing to "run with the bulls" in Pamplona every year. Instead, "Get Out of the Way" is the smartest move. All sorts of dangers can be avoided by walking away, ignoring, getting out of town, letting things lie, thinking about it tomorrow etc, etc. Fight or flight are both valid alternatives for survival. Flight isn't necessarily the weakling way out or the coward's path. Sometimes it takes great courage to walk away and leave a comfortable situation or walk away from an uncomfortable situation. Sometimes flight is a way of fighting back. Sometimes an aerial view gives heightened perspective. Just ask the birds. Fly away!
As Robert D. Hales, apostle and former air force pilot advises, "Never deliberately fly into a thunderstorm." He spoke of righteous people who "avoid" temptation and evil. "Joseph ran from Potiphar's wife. Lehi took his family and left Jerusalem. Mary and Joseph fled into Egypt to escape Herod's plot. In every instance, Heavenly Father warned these believers. Similarly, He will help us know whether to fight, flee, or go with the flow." Avoidance can be good, especially if it is what God is telling you to do.
My avoidance isn't necessarily divinely directed, but I also want to acknowledge that it's not always a cop out response for dealing with personal stress. It can be a way of purposely diverting energy and attention. Professionally speaking, I believe recreation can be tool to divert attention away from upsetting thoughts and feelings or divert attention back to the task at hand. Learning how to shift one's focus back and forth can build "attention muscles" helping to avoid emotional mine fields. Diverting is a verb related to avoiding and distracting. When done purposefully, it gives me a sense of control as I decide the where, when and how of my attention.
I'm not saying I should continue avoiding everything. There comes a time to sweep the minefield. I have to confront my own demons, or even be responsible enough to log in and look at my bank balance. Confrontation, accountability, honest feedback, problem solving, or just plain facing the music are required. However, avoidance isn't always my enemy; it's an appreciated friend I can embrace-or at least give an occasional side hug.
Perhaps my latest behaviors are a knee jerk reaction to confronting my x-husband on the phone over the holidays. I felt like I drew a line in the sand stating he would not be living with me once he gets out of prison nor will we be connected financially in anyway. I'm sure I'll have to repeat that statement about 1000 times over the next year, but at least I've said it out loud and I think he understood. Over the past 7 years I've accumulated boxes and boxes of his letters and documents-the majority of them unopened. I suppose the letters are proof that someone in the universe still cares and wants me in some form or fashion. But more than that, I'm afraid that if I put an end to that, I may be putting an end to that-no support-you're on your own kid. Good luck with figuring out how to support yourself financially. Good luck with finding love. Lately, I've consigned myself to solidarity as I try to focus on my family, work, and church life. There's plenty to fill my life with meaning and purpose.
Though being a recluse surely isn't healthy, sometimes avoidance has an upside. I don't always have to be grabbing the bull by the horns and tackling every problem and issue. That surely isn't the strategy for all those wishing to "run with the bulls" in Pamplona every year. Instead, "Get Out of the Way" is the smartest move. All sorts of dangers can be avoided by walking away, ignoring, getting out of town, letting things lie, thinking about it tomorrow etc, etc. Fight or flight are both valid alternatives for survival. Flight isn't necessarily the weakling way out or the coward's path. Sometimes it takes great courage to walk away and leave a comfortable situation or walk away from an uncomfortable situation. Sometimes flight is a way of fighting back. Sometimes an aerial view gives heightened perspective. Just ask the birds. Fly away!
As Robert D. Hales, apostle and former air force pilot advises, "Never deliberately fly into a thunderstorm." He spoke of righteous people who "avoid" temptation and evil. "Joseph ran from Potiphar's wife. Lehi took his family and left Jerusalem. Mary and Joseph fled into Egypt to escape Herod's plot. In every instance, Heavenly Father warned these believers. Similarly, He will help us know whether to fight, flee, or go with the flow." Avoidance can be good, especially if it is what God is telling you to do.
My avoidance isn't necessarily divinely directed, but I also want to acknowledge that it's not always a cop out response for dealing with personal stress. It can be a way of purposely diverting energy and attention. Professionally speaking, I believe recreation can be tool to divert attention away from upsetting thoughts and feelings or divert attention back to the task at hand. Learning how to shift one's focus back and forth can build "attention muscles" helping to avoid emotional mine fields. Diverting is a verb related to avoiding and distracting. When done purposefully, it gives me a sense of control as I decide the where, when and how of my attention.
I'm not saying I should continue avoiding everything. There comes a time to sweep the minefield. I have to confront my own demons, or even be responsible enough to log in and look at my bank balance. Confrontation, accountability, honest feedback, problem solving, or just plain facing the music are required. However, avoidance isn't always my enemy; it's an appreciated friend I can embrace-or at least give an occasional side hug.
Friday, December 25, 2015
Enabling Yellow Tandem Bike
This morning I was thinking about my family gift this Christmas-a yellow tandem bike standing as a symbol of enabling power. I'm trying to give a positive "spin" on my ever constant criticism of enabling others-perpetuating problems instead of solving them. Through the years, my helping sometimes does more harm than good. At times I've rescued others when they need to feel the entire weight of their choices and face the consequences motivating them to change. I've fostered irresponsible behaviors resulting in weakness rather than strength. I need to do things differently. At times it's like I've been driving the tandem bike and letting others rest their feet on the peddles while throwing their hands up in the air shouting, "Wheeeeeeeeeeeeeee- this is fun! Look no hands-I'm riding a bike! Go faster!"
A bicycle under the tree just screams awesome Christmas, at least it did for me as a child growing up in the Long Beach-that is until bikes were stolen. I think I had about 4 bikes lifted-one even from my own backyard. In defiance or stupidity, I currently park my son's beater beach cruiser in front of my condo-perhaps just to test the would be thieves in Provo, Utah or maybe just because I can. It feels good to see the bike there to greet me when I come home from work. As part of my Christmas present this year, this used (a little dented) tandem bike will eventually be parked in front-as a happy decoration. Granted it's a little nicer than cruiser, but I think no one will take it for good. I'm going to laminate a sign and attach it to the handle bars, "Borrow Me! Ride me around then return me so others can enjoy!" If the bright yellow tandem is stolen quickly, then I'll just rack it up as a neighborhood donation-brightening someone's day. Maybe they needed it more than I did. I don't think my kids are going to use it too much anyway. It's just a visual aide for the real present-my continued commitment to help and strengthen them throughout their life. Rather than enabling them, I need to help them be strong-help them develop the muscles to do things independently so they can get where they want to go.
One thing is certain, you can't drive a tandem bike from the passenger position on a tandem bike. Pedal power and fixed handle bars won't do the trick. Limited steering capability and awkward balance requirements make it nearly impossible-unless all you have in mind is falling over and crashing. Help from a trusted driver is necessary to get where you want to go. It takes two baby! And if you venture out on a tandem alone, driving in the front-you just look stupid. The bike isn't designed that way. You're hauling around a lot more weight than you need to- a definite waste of resource. Besides that, it's no fun.
I also want this Christmas Tandem Bike to remind my children about the Master Enabler and being willing to get on the bike with him. Though I want to encourage independence and responsibility, I also want to encourage dependence on the Lord. Wonderful strengthening help is available. Elder Bednar teaches about the enabling power of the atonement. "Grace is frequently is used in the scriptures to connote a strengthening or enabling power. 'The main idea of the word is divine means of help or strength, given through the bounteous mercy and love of Jesus Christ. It is likewise through the grace of the Lord that individuals, through faith in the atonement of Jesus Christ and repentance of their sins, receive strength and assistance to do good works that they otherwise would not be able to maintain if left to their own means' Thus, the enabling and strengthening aspect of the Atonement helps us to see and to do and to become good in ways that we could never recognize or accomplish with our limited mortal capacity."
It is fun to ride through life in tandem with God's help. We can trust him. He won't let us fall. We weren't meant to travel alone- we're not designed or built that way. Sure we can try it but this kind of independent, self sustaining wisdom is foolishness. Besides, it's completely unnecessary to go at it all alone-a definite waste of resource. You have a yellow tandem bike man-use it! Everybody use it!
A bicycle under the tree just screams awesome Christmas, at least it did for me as a child growing up in the Long Beach-that is until bikes were stolen. I think I had about 4 bikes lifted-one even from my own backyard. In defiance or stupidity, I currently park my son's beater beach cruiser in front of my condo-perhaps just to test the would be thieves in Provo, Utah or maybe just because I can. It feels good to see the bike there to greet me when I come home from work. As part of my Christmas present this year, this used (a little dented) tandem bike will eventually be parked in front-as a happy decoration. Granted it's a little nicer than cruiser, but I think no one will take it for good. I'm going to laminate a sign and attach it to the handle bars, "Borrow Me! Ride me around then return me so others can enjoy!" If the bright yellow tandem is stolen quickly, then I'll just rack it up as a neighborhood donation-brightening someone's day. Maybe they needed it more than I did. I don't think my kids are going to use it too much anyway. It's just a visual aide for the real present-my continued commitment to help and strengthen them throughout their life. Rather than enabling them, I need to help them be strong-help them develop the muscles to do things independently so they can get where they want to go.
One thing is certain, you can't drive a tandem bike from the passenger position on a tandem bike. Pedal power and fixed handle bars won't do the trick. Limited steering capability and awkward balance requirements make it nearly impossible-unless all you have in mind is falling over and crashing. Help from a trusted driver is necessary to get where you want to go. It takes two baby! And if you venture out on a tandem alone, driving in the front-you just look stupid. The bike isn't designed that way. You're hauling around a lot more weight than you need to- a definite waste of resource. Besides that, it's no fun.
I also want this Christmas Tandem Bike to remind my children about the Master Enabler and being willing to get on the bike with him. Though I want to encourage independence and responsibility, I also want to encourage dependence on the Lord. Wonderful strengthening help is available. Elder Bednar teaches about the enabling power of the atonement. "Grace is frequently is used in the scriptures to connote a strengthening or enabling power. 'The main idea of the word is divine means of help or strength, given through the bounteous mercy and love of Jesus Christ. It is likewise through the grace of the Lord that individuals, through faith in the atonement of Jesus Christ and repentance of their sins, receive strength and assistance to do good works that they otherwise would not be able to maintain if left to their own means' Thus, the enabling and strengthening aspect of the Atonement helps us to see and to do and to become good in ways that we could never recognize or accomplish with our limited mortal capacity."
It is fun to ride through life in tandem with God's help. We can trust him. He won't let us fall. We weren't meant to travel alone- we're not designed or built that way. Sure we can try it but this kind of independent, self sustaining wisdom is foolishness. Besides, it's completely unnecessary to go at it all alone-a definite waste of resource. You have a yellow tandem bike man-use it! Everybody use it!
Monday, December 14, 2015
Crushing Weight of Judgment
This morning I was thinking about the weight of judgment and how heavy it sometimes rests on my heart. Sometimes it's connected with someone's opinion of my choices, my value, even my own worth. It is a concern or even anxiety over what other people think of me. Recently I avoided a conversation with someone because I didn't want to hear judgements about me or my family. Why would I purposely place myself in a situation to listen to the judgements of others? However, I found my fear of judgment was replaced by love- love for this stranger and her family and increased love for my own family. I related to her how I recently told my son that I didn't care what she thought about him- rather I cared more about his own judgements. And I do! How proud I am of the progress he continues to make, separating his sense of worth from behaviors and showing genuine love and care for himself and others. It is a beautiful thing. Yet I know it's hard, even crushing, when someone doesn't think highly of me-doesn't accept me-doesn't think I am a good person-doesn't esteem me to be worthy of their association. It's easy to go on the defensive and try to do something to protect myself and my family-to protect our hearts from judgement so they won'd get crushed from judgement.
Several years ago, we lived in what I referred to as the "fishbowl" house. All the neighbors had a 360 degree view of our house. If there was something ugly strewn across our property, there was no backyard or high fence to shield it from the view of surrounding neighbors. It was all out in the open, for everyone to see-to judge-to complain about. As a result of this "trauma" when I take neighborhood walks sometimes I like to judge a family by the quality of their landscaping. It's wickedly fun to be highly critical and superficial. I did it just the other day when I was out driving looking at neighborhood Christmas lights and judging Christmas spirit while avoiding said phone call. (By the way, I don't have a lawn to care for anymore and I didn't put up any Christmas lights.) Anyway...while living in the fishbowl house, my husband and I made up a family motto that went something like this: "Screw You! I don't care what anyone thinks. Love is the most important thing!" I don't think I would cross stitch the first part but it made the point. We wanted our children to care more about what God thinks about them- not what the neighbors thought of our family...and God thinks we are WONDERFUL.
As I interact with others, I try to make them feel wonderful-no matter what. Even though I may have some harsh judgements regarding their behaviors, I want them to feel empowered to make necessary changes. Most people already know what they need to do differently. I feel like there is credence to the saying, "When you criticize, the spirit comforts; when you love the spirit condemns." Yet, I cannot avoid judgement. Though people hate being judged-we all do it. Judgement and mercy stand together. No matter how nonjudgmental I try to be, I have to judge. Judgement is a verb as well as a noun.
Judging between good and evil, between right and wrong is a core function of my brain. I exercise judgement every time I make a decision. It is a mental weighing with the great scales of justice-should I do this, or should I do that? What is the right what is wrong? What will be of most worth to me and my family? People who don't weigh the impact of their choices are often seen as impulsive or reactive. I know Eve didn't just look at the forbidden fruit and gobble it down. She thought. She weighed the impact of her possible choice. She judged. And ultimately that choice opened up a whole world for all of us as we seek to gain knowledge of good and evil, truth and error. Adam and Eve's choice made it possible for us to weigh things out for ourselves-to balance the scales-to make "deliberate" choices filled with purpose and intent- to deliberate! This is the judgement I'm concerned with. We get to judge every waking moment. Though not all choices have such an overarching impact, I'm thankful for the ability to weigh my choices. Instead of avoiding judgement, I want to embrace it and appreciate the great weight of thinking before I act; to actually care about what I think-or giving care to what I think. Judgement will help me decide if a choice is worth making. This great weighing on the scales of judgment will help me get my money's worth with my time on this earth. When it comes to exercising sound judgment- we can crush it!
Several years ago, we lived in what I referred to as the "fishbowl" house. All the neighbors had a 360 degree view of our house. If there was something ugly strewn across our property, there was no backyard or high fence to shield it from the view of surrounding neighbors. It was all out in the open, for everyone to see-to judge-to complain about. As a result of this "trauma" when I take neighborhood walks sometimes I like to judge a family by the quality of their landscaping. It's wickedly fun to be highly critical and superficial. I did it just the other day when I was out driving looking at neighborhood Christmas lights and judging Christmas spirit while avoiding said phone call. (By the way, I don't have a lawn to care for anymore and I didn't put up any Christmas lights.) Anyway...while living in the fishbowl house, my husband and I made up a family motto that went something like this: "Screw You! I don't care what anyone thinks. Love is the most important thing!" I don't think I would cross stitch the first part but it made the point. We wanted our children to care more about what God thinks about them- not what the neighbors thought of our family...and God thinks we are WONDERFUL.
As I interact with others, I try to make them feel wonderful-no matter what. Even though I may have some harsh judgements regarding their behaviors, I want them to feel empowered to make necessary changes. Most people already know what they need to do differently. I feel like there is credence to the saying, "When you criticize, the spirit comforts; when you love the spirit condemns." Yet, I cannot avoid judgement. Though people hate being judged-we all do it. Judgement and mercy stand together. No matter how nonjudgmental I try to be, I have to judge. Judgement is a verb as well as a noun.
Judging between good and evil, between right and wrong is a core function of my brain. I exercise judgement every time I make a decision. It is a mental weighing with the great scales of justice-should I do this, or should I do that? What is the right what is wrong? What will be of most worth to me and my family? People who don't weigh the impact of their choices are often seen as impulsive or reactive. I know Eve didn't just look at the forbidden fruit and gobble it down. She thought. She weighed the impact of her possible choice. She judged. And ultimately that choice opened up a whole world for all of us as we seek to gain knowledge of good and evil, truth and error. Adam and Eve's choice made it possible for us to weigh things out for ourselves-to balance the scales-to make "deliberate" choices filled with purpose and intent- to deliberate! This is the judgement I'm concerned with. We get to judge every waking moment. Though not all choices have such an overarching impact, I'm thankful for the ability to weigh my choices. Instead of avoiding judgement, I want to embrace it and appreciate the great weight of thinking before I act; to actually care about what I think-or giving care to what I think. Judgement will help me decide if a choice is worth making. This great weighing on the scales of judgment will help me get my money's worth with my time on this earth. When it comes to exercising sound judgment- we can crush it!
Saturday, December 5, 2015
Random Shiz
This morning I was thinking about all the random shiz I bought last week for my children. I say "random" because everything I purchased is nothing they asked for or even want. I think they are good gifts. I have dubbed this Christmas the year of "random shiz"; this is the way it will be this year. My baby son (19) doesn't believe me. He says I say every year how I don't have any money and how it will be a horrible Christmas- but it never is; somehow I'm able to get each child something they really want or something they really need. As a parent, it's what I strive for-that Christmas morning reaction when a child's face lights up because they got the present they wanted. Another family tradition is placing a gift under the tree with a baby Jesus figurine to symbolize the gift we all really want-the gift we really need-given from a loving Heavenly Father. I'm sure I'll place the baby Jesus under the tree again but the awesome eye popping, heart thumping, "perfect" Christmas gift will not be there. Not this year.
I'm really not trying to be heartless or inconsiderate. It's just that I've already spent Christmas on bills-a monthly payment for my daughter's wedding and a bounced tithing check back in April (I have to make good on that for tithing settlement.) The money is gone. I guess I don't want to be left empty handed on the most heralded day of giving-Christmas Day; so I bought a bunch of cheap crap and a big family gift to put under the tree. I will be assigning symbolic meaning to the gifts that may increase their value- my children are use to that. It's what I CAN do. Gifts are fun! For the first time in my mommy life, I'm completely done shopping for my children and it's only December 5th. Awesome! It will be great and hopefully a Christmas to remember-even if they just remember it as the Christmas of random shiz raining down on them.
Last week while substituting as primary chorister, I wanted to emphasize the concept of God's good gifts raining down on all of us, each and everyday. I used fall leaves like confetti and had the children gather them up while we were singing. In preparation, I gathered my own fall leaves on Thanksgiving morning and stuffed them in a large garbage sack. During singing time, I slung the bag over my shoulder to remind them of Santa Claus and his bag of gifts. I really do think there is a powerful connection between the gathering leaves of Thanksgiving and the freely given gifts of Christmas.
I'm not much into raking leaves or shoveling snow; it is one of the perks of lazy condo life. I remember my days of endlessly raking up leaves from the largest, messiest tree on Brookshire Circle (the city eventually cut it down) It was no fun and required many hours of hard work. Gathering leaves, or noticing the good in ourselves, in others, in the world around us also requires an expenditure of effort. It takes time to notice, write down, and thank God for these blessings each day. However, the more I do it, the more abundant I feel- to the point of seeing leaves rain down on a windy fall day and thinking of God's blessing being given in similar fashion. Beautiful falling leaves are inspiring. It is like the words of an obscure primary song, "Autumn Day, Autumn Day. God gives richest gifts today. Look on every side and see-pleasant things for you and me."
His gifts really do rain down and in many cases go unnoticed, unappreciated, devalued, or thrown out in the garbage in a big leaf bag. Who wants a leaf? That's so random. It's not what I asked for. Didn't you get my wish list? My prayers seem unanswered. Yet, if I look around and see his daily good gifts, I may find in all my random blessings an answer to a prayer-a blessing that I really need-maybe even something I really want. Afterall sometimes I don't even know what I really want or need. His daily gifts might not get that Christmas light up reaction in my face, but he keeps sending them my way-hoping I'll notice his "richest gifts." I know they key to Christmas this year, is increasing my gratitude and love for what he has already given. His gift that truly did come down from Heaven, "God so loved the world-that he gave his only begotten Son that whosoever believeth in him should not perish but have everlasting life." Though many of God's children do not notice, accept, or value this sentiment, I do not want to view this gift of all gifts as "random shiz."
I'm really not trying to be heartless or inconsiderate. It's just that I've already spent Christmas on bills-a monthly payment for my daughter's wedding and a bounced tithing check back in April (I have to make good on that for tithing settlement.) The money is gone. I guess I don't want to be left empty handed on the most heralded day of giving-Christmas Day; so I bought a bunch of cheap crap and a big family gift to put under the tree. I will be assigning symbolic meaning to the gifts that may increase their value- my children are use to that. It's what I CAN do. Gifts are fun! For the first time in my mommy life, I'm completely done shopping for my children and it's only December 5th. Awesome! It will be great and hopefully a Christmas to remember-even if they just remember it as the Christmas of random shiz raining down on them.
Last week while substituting as primary chorister, I wanted to emphasize the concept of God's good gifts raining down on all of us, each and everyday. I used fall leaves like confetti and had the children gather them up while we were singing. In preparation, I gathered my own fall leaves on Thanksgiving morning and stuffed them in a large garbage sack. During singing time, I slung the bag over my shoulder to remind them of Santa Claus and his bag of gifts. I really do think there is a powerful connection between the gathering leaves of Thanksgiving and the freely given gifts of Christmas.
I'm not much into raking leaves or shoveling snow; it is one of the perks of lazy condo life. I remember my days of endlessly raking up leaves from the largest, messiest tree on Brookshire Circle (the city eventually cut it down) It was no fun and required many hours of hard work. Gathering leaves, or noticing the good in ourselves, in others, in the world around us also requires an expenditure of effort. It takes time to notice, write down, and thank God for these blessings each day. However, the more I do it, the more abundant I feel- to the point of seeing leaves rain down on a windy fall day and thinking of God's blessing being given in similar fashion. Beautiful falling leaves are inspiring. It is like the words of an obscure primary song, "Autumn Day, Autumn Day. God gives richest gifts today. Look on every side and see-pleasant things for you and me."
His gifts really do rain down and in many cases go unnoticed, unappreciated, devalued, or thrown out in the garbage in a big leaf bag. Who wants a leaf? That's so random. It's not what I asked for. Didn't you get my wish list? My prayers seem unanswered. Yet, if I look around and see his daily good gifts, I may find in all my random blessings an answer to a prayer-a blessing that I really need-maybe even something I really want. Afterall sometimes I don't even know what I really want or need. His daily gifts might not get that Christmas light up reaction in my face, but he keeps sending them my way-hoping I'll notice his "richest gifts." I know they key to Christmas this year, is increasing my gratitude and love for what he has already given. His gift that truly did come down from Heaven, "God so loved the world-that he gave his only begotten Son that whosoever believeth in him should not perish but have everlasting life." Though many of God's children do not notice, accept, or value this sentiment, I do not want to view this gift of all gifts as "random shiz."
Sunday, November 22, 2015
If It Makes You Happy-It Can't Be That Bad
This morning I was thinking of on old 90's song lyric, "If It Makes You Happy-It Can't Be That Bad" and if I agree with that statement. And what does that have to do with respecting each others' differences? Sparked by conversations this week, I've thought of my children's requests to give them more respect-especially in regards to living the law of chastity, defined as sexual relations between a man and woman, legally married. Though they know I love them no matter what, they want to feel like the "no matter what" doesn't matter or shouldn't matter; not only does it not matter, but is a healthy, normal, acceptable choice that makes them feel happy; as if ignoring God's laws is the pathway to person freedom and happiness; that sin really doesn't exist-there is no right or wrong-I gonna make my own commandments for happy living 'cause the other commandments make me feel like a piece of #@$#! Everyone is just different-and those differences should be respected, appreciated and applauded. It's the "that's okay for you mentality"- do what ever makes you happy and here's my support. In addition, I'm so accepting of your differing values that you can do whatever you want in the room next to me or in my bathtub-go right ahead-I "respect" you-we're just different. Unconditional love means unconditional boundaries.
I just read something that talked about boundaries being the line separating where you end and me begins. It was put much more eloquently. But I think that's where I start to feel uncomfortable when other people's values start to spill over into my own space-the center of my home or even the center of my heart. How can there be unity with such diversity? How can my children not only feel accepted but also respected when I in fact, do not respect or hold in high regard that particular choice that goes against God's laws? Why do I feel like I'm lying if I say I am proud of their choices, when I'm not? When is "That's OK for you" not enough? It's like they don't want to be referred to as a "sinner" even if it's only in my mind. They want me to think it's not sinning-that it's not wrong. That it has never been wrong or times have changed. That 76.5%(made up percentage) of the people on the planet "do it" so it must be right. I'm the one that needs to change my thinking-if I don't, then I'm intolerant, unsympathetic, bigot, racist, whatever derogatory term fits the bill. I must respect diversity of values.
I know there was some people who "resigned" from the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints last week. I assume this means they made a formal request to have their names removed from church records. Perhaps this made them feel like they were respecting the LGBT community and children growing up in LGBT households or that the church's policy affronted their own sense of right and wrong, fairness, etc. During the month of November, I read the announcement to church policy, watched Elder D. Todd's Christopher response, read the first presidency's letter of explanation, read the latest context press release by church public affairs chair. There was no "disturbance in the force" in my faith in Jesus Christ as a result of these announcements or in my reaction to policy or doctrine. I appreciated the affirmation that same sex attraction is not a sin. That same sex-marriage is considered a sin requiring church discipline. It made sense to me in regards to child welfare. Perhaps because I grew up with parents with differing values and know how it negatively affects children. It was confusing and conflictual for my obedient brother to feel like his own father didn't respect his choices and wasn't pleased with him as a "real man" due to their differing views of manhood. My own children have grown up with parents with differing views of right and wrong and it has deeply confused their faith and caused considerable conflict.
Regardless I have to figure out this respect thing before alienating my sweet children. I love them. I want them to be happy. Respect not only includes how I feel about them but how I treat them. I had a friend whose husband did horrible things and made her feel terrible about herself. My gut reaction was to treat him horrible-how dare you treat my friend like that! But I tried to treat him the opposite of what I felt. I spoke to him in a way not only pointing out his strengths but trying to make him feel like I thought he was the best husband ever. I showed respect and tried to make it as sincere as I could. Over the years, I have seen him become a man worthy of my respect. I'm so happy for my friend, for her husband, and happy I did not disrespect him to his face.
I do not believe doing whatever makes you happy can't be that bad. It can be bad. We are all sinners-everyone-everywhere and we get to repent. What a privilege to repent and change and align ourselves to the laws by which happiness is governed. "Wickedness never was happiness" nor will it ever be. Yet, I can follow the church's example to treat others with respect; "All children are to be treated with utmost respect and love. They are welcome to attend Church meetings and participate in Church activities. All children may receive priesthood blessings of healing and spiritual guidance." I too, can respect my children regarding their choices by encouraging participation, healing, and guidance offered with unconditional love-even if that love comes with some personal boundaries and limits.
I just read something that talked about boundaries being the line separating where you end and me begins. It was put much more eloquently. But I think that's where I start to feel uncomfortable when other people's values start to spill over into my own space-the center of my home or even the center of my heart. How can there be unity with such diversity? How can my children not only feel accepted but also respected when I in fact, do not respect or hold in high regard that particular choice that goes against God's laws? Why do I feel like I'm lying if I say I am proud of their choices, when I'm not? When is "That's OK for you" not enough? It's like they don't want to be referred to as a "sinner" even if it's only in my mind. They want me to think it's not sinning-that it's not wrong. That it has never been wrong or times have changed. That 76.5%(made up percentage) of the people on the planet "do it" so it must be right. I'm the one that needs to change my thinking-if I don't, then I'm intolerant, unsympathetic, bigot, racist, whatever derogatory term fits the bill. I must respect diversity of values.
I know there was some people who "resigned" from the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints last week. I assume this means they made a formal request to have their names removed from church records. Perhaps this made them feel like they were respecting the LGBT community and children growing up in LGBT households or that the church's policy affronted their own sense of right and wrong, fairness, etc. During the month of November, I read the announcement to church policy, watched Elder D. Todd's Christopher response, read the first presidency's letter of explanation, read the latest context press release by church public affairs chair. There was no "disturbance in the force" in my faith in Jesus Christ as a result of these announcements or in my reaction to policy or doctrine. I appreciated the affirmation that same sex attraction is not a sin. That same sex-marriage is considered a sin requiring church discipline. It made sense to me in regards to child welfare. Perhaps because I grew up with parents with differing values and know how it negatively affects children. It was confusing and conflictual for my obedient brother to feel like his own father didn't respect his choices and wasn't pleased with him as a "real man" due to their differing views of manhood. My own children have grown up with parents with differing views of right and wrong and it has deeply confused their faith and caused considerable conflict.
Regardless I have to figure out this respect thing before alienating my sweet children. I love them. I want them to be happy. Respect not only includes how I feel about them but how I treat them. I had a friend whose husband did horrible things and made her feel terrible about herself. My gut reaction was to treat him horrible-how dare you treat my friend like that! But I tried to treat him the opposite of what I felt. I spoke to him in a way not only pointing out his strengths but trying to make him feel like I thought he was the best husband ever. I showed respect and tried to make it as sincere as I could. Over the years, I have seen him become a man worthy of my respect. I'm so happy for my friend, for her husband, and happy I did not disrespect him to his face.
I do not believe doing whatever makes you happy can't be that bad. It can be bad. We are all sinners-everyone-everywhere and we get to repent. What a privilege to repent and change and align ourselves to the laws by which happiness is governed. "Wickedness never was happiness" nor will it ever be. Yet, I can follow the church's example to treat others with respect; "All children are to be treated with utmost respect and love. They are welcome to attend Church meetings and participate in Church activities. All children may receive priesthood blessings of healing and spiritual guidance." I too, can respect my children regarding their choices by encouraging participation, healing, and guidance offered with unconditional love-even if that love comes with some personal boundaries and limits.
Friday, November 13, 2015
Smells Like Teen Spirit
This morning I was thinking about emotional smells and my answers to emotional questions. More specifically- How do you feel about the possibility of my x-husband getting out of prison? How do I feel about him-what are my feelings for him? Or even more to the point-what are I going to do when he gets out? Will we live together? My boys poised these questions during some discussions this week in conjunction with some highly emotional and triggering smells connected with their behavior. Though on the surface these smelly events seem unrelated, as I think about my responses, I believe they are connected and offer insight into possible answers to those questions I've been avoiding.
I have a superpower- my superhuman, super-sensitive nose-able to pick up the scent of anything. My triggering event was waking up to the smell of cigarette smoke in my kitchen. Though it is hardly the worst case scenario regarding children's behaviors, the smell triggered me. The smell not only reminds me of the mechanism that killed my father but it also pollutes my sanctuary I call home and assaults my values. Smoking is such an intrusive habit. It's near impossible to hide. It's just out there for everyone to judge, and rightly so because it influences their health as well. It's not just a personal habit; it's a health hazard. Thus all the smoking bans-everywhere. I was obsessed as I went about cleaning up the house, doing every piece of his laundry, purchasing my favorite essential oils and some scented candles-all in an effort to rid myself of that triggering smell.
Where's a person supposed to smoke these days? My parents grew up in the age where everyone smoked everywhere. Fortunately for me, my father didn't smoke in the house so my clothes didn't smell like it. I always hated the smell and would cough around it when he smoked in the car. But when he died from lung cancer, the smell of cigarettes took on a new meaning for me. I got angry when I saw people buying cigarettes and wanted to shake them and say, "Why are you wasting your money on something that's killing you and the people you love?" I was mad at the people making cigarettes available to young, impressionable minds enticing them with claims of being cool, tough, thin, alert, spiritual or marketing them as gateways to pleasure, increased awareness or as an acceptable coping skill for stress. I was mad, sad, and heart sick because regardless of my turbulent upbringing with my alcoholic, chain-smoking father, I love and miss him. I wish he would have never started smoking and drinking cause I would love to have him back-if only just to yell at me and tell me how stupid his Pooh Bear is.
As I thought about my current situation regarding this child living with me and smoking in some form or fashion, I realized I could not tolerate it. Though I feel sick about some of the personal choices of all my children, this particular choice was intrusive to the point that it was making me crazy. I realized I am "emotionally allergic" to cigarette smoke. Though I can be around people who smoke, visit with them, hang out and be friends, support them and love them deeply- I cannot live with a person who smokes. My son told me I was looping as I repeated over and over the statement, "You can smoke or do whatever you want, but if you do, you will have to live somewhere else. I love you but I cannot live in the same house with someone who smokes." I had a little emotional breakdown and cried and wailed like a baby-or as he put it, "I saw little girl Erin pleading with her daddy". It kind of freaked him out. He committed to living by the house rules and that's where the discussion ended. Though the break was triggered from cigarette smoke, it really was about a whole lot more-things that have been building up about a whole lot of traumatic issues.
As I explore answers to questions regarding my impending x-husbands release, my looped response seems to fit. "You can continue to do whatever you want; lie, steal, cheat, do whatever you want but you will have to live somewhere else. I love you, but I cannot live in the same house with someone who does this or that. It's not like I have never set boundaries or communicated standards and expectations for continued co-habitation before. The problem came when my x-husband committed to live a certain way- such as acting like a married man or honest businessman and then lied about his compliance. He then used one billion words and reams of paper-both legal and not, in an effort to convince everyone he was living those standards, denied responsibility for unsafe behaviors and continued to push limits. He was the camel nudging his nose under my tent demanding to live with me because he loved me and he was safe. Well it sure didn't smell safe to me and it still doesn't.
I already know the answer to the questions I've been avoiding- I've never been avoiding them. I already wrote them down in a letter I sent to both children and x-husband back in 2008 outlining my willingness to live together as a married couple if he agrees to follow house rules-safe rules that don't stink up the house. He needs to take responsibility for past unsafe behaviors-behaviors that present health hazards for his family as well. He has to not only commit to but also demonstrate safe behaviors and have proof of them in order to live under the same roof. These safe behaviors are easy to document; no outstanding legal judgements, a temple recommend, a tax return. It's all written down-I had just forgotten about it. With all my husband's Jedi mind tricks, I start to question my previous responses about boundaries. In fact, I forget what the questions are in the first place. His constant gas lighting results in extreme mental confusion-not only does he sound crazy but he makes me think I'm crazy as well-and all this with extremely limited contact. What's it going to be like when he's in my face-literally? The smell of gas (or "gas lighting") is usually odorless. Will I be able to smell "unsafe"?
I think that is what makes a trigger a trigger- I associate cigarette smell to being unsafe. I actually have the same reaction to the smell of beer. Certain behaviors are much more intrusive, invasive, toxic, and filthy than mere cigarette smoke. Certain behaviors present continuous safety hazards. This is not about perfection folks or thinking I'm some saintly woman with no one good enough to step across my threshold. I have no desire to live alone with my principles rather than living with the people I love. I want my nest to be a place of healing-to bind up broken wings so my little chickies can fly. Yet I'm also trying to build a nest that is clean, peaceful and safe and expect all who live with me to do the same or who are at least making an effort to be clean. Blanket acceptance of unsafe behaviors will not create a place a refuge. Everyone has to take responsibility for the environment we create together.
Latter-Day temples provide a good model in creating a house of cleanliness, safety and peace. People who desire to live with the Lord, not just visit with him or receive a quick embrace, must value cleanliness. People freely choose to commit to clean living and safe behaviors of obedience, sacrifice, law of chastity, and consecration; behaviors that show gratitude and love for the Lord's redeeming grace. It is through faith in Jesus Christ and his great work of atonement that we are washed clean. The spirit of the Lord rests upon his temples. It is His house. His spirit permeates the air like a clean smoke I not only don't mind getting stuck in my clothing, but WANT to permeate every fiber of my being; I want it that smell to stay with me. It smells like the Spirit, not the"teen spirit" of grunge.
I have a superpower- my superhuman, super-sensitive nose-able to pick up the scent of anything. My triggering event was waking up to the smell of cigarette smoke in my kitchen. Though it is hardly the worst case scenario regarding children's behaviors, the smell triggered me. The smell not only reminds me of the mechanism that killed my father but it also pollutes my sanctuary I call home and assaults my values. Smoking is such an intrusive habit. It's near impossible to hide. It's just out there for everyone to judge, and rightly so because it influences their health as well. It's not just a personal habit; it's a health hazard. Thus all the smoking bans-everywhere. I was obsessed as I went about cleaning up the house, doing every piece of his laundry, purchasing my favorite essential oils and some scented candles-all in an effort to rid myself of that triggering smell.
Where's a person supposed to smoke these days? My parents grew up in the age where everyone smoked everywhere. Fortunately for me, my father didn't smoke in the house so my clothes didn't smell like it. I always hated the smell and would cough around it when he smoked in the car. But when he died from lung cancer, the smell of cigarettes took on a new meaning for me. I got angry when I saw people buying cigarettes and wanted to shake them and say, "Why are you wasting your money on something that's killing you and the people you love?" I was mad at the people making cigarettes available to young, impressionable minds enticing them with claims of being cool, tough, thin, alert, spiritual or marketing them as gateways to pleasure, increased awareness or as an acceptable coping skill for stress. I was mad, sad, and heart sick because regardless of my turbulent upbringing with my alcoholic, chain-smoking father, I love and miss him. I wish he would have never started smoking and drinking cause I would love to have him back-if only just to yell at me and tell me how stupid his Pooh Bear is.
As I thought about my current situation regarding this child living with me and smoking in some form or fashion, I realized I could not tolerate it. Though I feel sick about some of the personal choices of all my children, this particular choice was intrusive to the point that it was making me crazy. I realized I am "emotionally allergic" to cigarette smoke. Though I can be around people who smoke, visit with them, hang out and be friends, support them and love them deeply- I cannot live with a person who smokes. My son told me I was looping as I repeated over and over the statement, "You can smoke or do whatever you want, but if you do, you will have to live somewhere else. I love you but I cannot live in the same house with someone who smokes." I had a little emotional breakdown and cried and wailed like a baby-or as he put it, "I saw little girl Erin pleading with her daddy". It kind of freaked him out. He committed to living by the house rules and that's where the discussion ended. Though the break was triggered from cigarette smoke, it really was about a whole lot more-things that have been building up about a whole lot of traumatic issues.
As I explore answers to questions regarding my impending x-husbands release, my looped response seems to fit. "You can continue to do whatever you want; lie, steal, cheat, do whatever you want but you will have to live somewhere else. I love you, but I cannot live in the same house with someone who does this or that. It's not like I have never set boundaries or communicated standards and expectations for continued co-habitation before. The problem came when my x-husband committed to live a certain way- such as acting like a married man or honest businessman and then lied about his compliance. He then used one billion words and reams of paper-both legal and not, in an effort to convince everyone he was living those standards, denied responsibility for unsafe behaviors and continued to push limits. He was the camel nudging his nose under my tent demanding to live with me because he loved me and he was safe. Well it sure didn't smell safe to me and it still doesn't.
I already know the answer to the questions I've been avoiding- I've never been avoiding them. I already wrote them down in a letter I sent to both children and x-husband back in 2008 outlining my willingness to live together as a married couple if he agrees to follow house rules-safe rules that don't stink up the house. He needs to take responsibility for past unsafe behaviors-behaviors that present health hazards for his family as well. He has to not only commit to but also demonstrate safe behaviors and have proof of them in order to live under the same roof. These safe behaviors are easy to document; no outstanding legal judgements, a temple recommend, a tax return. It's all written down-I had just forgotten about it. With all my husband's Jedi mind tricks, I start to question my previous responses about boundaries. In fact, I forget what the questions are in the first place. His constant gas lighting results in extreme mental confusion-not only does he sound crazy but he makes me think I'm crazy as well-and all this with extremely limited contact. What's it going to be like when he's in my face-literally? The smell of gas (or "gas lighting") is usually odorless. Will I be able to smell "unsafe"?
I think that is what makes a trigger a trigger- I associate cigarette smell to being unsafe. I actually have the same reaction to the smell of beer. Certain behaviors are much more intrusive, invasive, toxic, and filthy than mere cigarette smoke. Certain behaviors present continuous safety hazards. This is not about perfection folks or thinking I'm some saintly woman with no one good enough to step across my threshold. I have no desire to live alone with my principles rather than living with the people I love. I want my nest to be a place of healing-to bind up broken wings so my little chickies can fly. Yet I'm also trying to build a nest that is clean, peaceful and safe and expect all who live with me to do the same or who are at least making an effort to be clean. Blanket acceptance of unsafe behaviors will not create a place a refuge. Everyone has to take responsibility for the environment we create together.
Latter-Day temples provide a good model in creating a house of cleanliness, safety and peace. People who desire to live with the Lord, not just visit with him or receive a quick embrace, must value cleanliness. People freely choose to commit to clean living and safe behaviors of obedience, sacrifice, law of chastity, and consecration; behaviors that show gratitude and love for the Lord's redeeming grace. It is through faith in Jesus Christ and his great work of atonement that we are washed clean. The spirit of the Lord rests upon his temples. It is His house. His spirit permeates the air like a clean smoke I not only don't mind getting stuck in my clothing, but WANT to permeate every fiber of my being; I want it that smell to stay with me. It smells like the Spirit, not the"teen spirit" of grunge.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)