My Voice

This morning I was thinking of having a voice that is heard.  The other day I brought my 41 year old cheer megaphone to work to encourage my students to participate in an open mic activity.  I used the megaphone as a symbol of making our voices heard.  It reminded me of a phrase from a Dear Evan Hansen song suggesting  "If you only say the word...from across the silence your voice is heard".

My students need to be heard.  Many times, their voice is a cry for help.  Their behaviors have spoken loudly and have been addressed by parents seeking treatment for their child's unhealthy personal expression. As with so many others in the mental health profession, I encourage self-expression through psychotherapy, writing, art, music, drama or other opportunities to open up for honest disclosure, reflection and insight.  

Besides the visual aide of the megaphone, I also brought my yearbook so the students could pick me out of a line up of cheerleaders.  I also performed a cheer using a microphone.  Of course, they thought it was dumb, but it gave me reason to pause and reflect about my value of having a voice.  As I thumbed through the pages of my ancient relic yearbook, I thought about other ways I sought to be seen and heard as a teen.  Whether it was my performance as Ado Annie in the the school play, or my involvement in student council, my voice was heard-no matter how high pitched and grating.  

In church my voice was heard through the many youth talks, primary music presentations as chorister, leadership councils, and special musical numbers singing solos and duets. From an early age, I enthusiastically raised my hand to answer questions posed by my teachers or get up in front of the congregation and bear my testimony at the pulpit.  I wanted to be involved but I also wanted to be heard.  

In college, my voice was drowned out by the large talent pool of BYU students. Nevertheless, I found small ways to be an influencer, long before the days of social media.  Whether it was in my interpersonal relationships with friends and acquaintances, service in church callings, or even serving a mission for my church in Spain, all gave voice to what I thought was important.

As a mother, my voice was heard through hundreds of hours of parental instruction-formal and informal, emphasizing family values. They didn't necessarily listen or like what I was saying but sometimes I felt heard and understood.  At times my sons and daughters did not feel seen and heard or that they truly had a voice in our family.  That is something I continue to address in the present as I reach out to them even if it's just to hear the sound of their voice.  I want their voice to be heard. 

In my career, I continue my desire to have a voice or at least some type of influence over my daily work schedule and duties.  I have often had incredible freedom approaching the very broad, generalist responsibilities associated with my title of recreation therapist and put my own spin on it.  I want to be "in the room where it happens" though power structures sometimes do not include me or want to know what I have to say about the matter.  

Church participation continues to provide opportunities to be heard.  Whether in testimony meeting, class member discussions, service and teaching-I feel welcome to share if I so desire.  These days I tend to listen and observe more with less need to be seen and heard. 

I am grateful to use this blog as my voice.  Even if I write and do not publish it for public consumption, It helps to give form and function to my thoughts and feelings.  It also is my small way to fulfil the promise from my patriarchal blessing of being a voice in the community. Though I'm not politically active, at least I can speak up-say something and be heard.  I am so grateful for all the opportunities to have a voice.  Thank you for listening! 

Serious Sunbathing

 This morning I was thinking about my relationship with light and consequences from exposure.  I'm sporting a brand new Frankenstein scar on my increasingly deformed forearm as a result of a recent surgery to remove squamous cell skin cancer.  It's the price I pay and most likely will continue to pay from all my So. Cal beach days and my continued love of sunshine.  

As the doctor was stitching me up, he also noted my unusually thin skin for someone my age and urged caution. This thin skin also increases my sensitivity with near constant itching due to dermatitis and eczema.  Happy Birthday month to me! "One year closer to the grave" as my family lovingly sings each year during our birthday gatherings.  Traditional belief suggest that once plunged into the darkness, souls are encouraged to "go to the light!"   

Going to the light, or seeking after light is good practice for the living as well.  While trying to pick a show last night, I considered watching Batman but had heard  it was "too dark" so I opted for a one of my favorite genre's- death and destruction movies.  The title, "How it Ends" caught my eye.  Big mistake.  STUPID choice.  I'm renaming it, "Boring Road Trip of F-words."  I fast forwarded though it to see images of death and destruction with no satisfaction.  But more than being disappointed with the movie, I was more disappointed with myself.  Was I really "going to the light" or am I on a stupid attention road trip of the profane. (worldly, secular, irreverent etc.)

There are so many voices vying for my attention at any given moment.   Content may contain spiritual cancer causing agents with absolutely no regard for my welfare.  They (whoever "they" are) just want me to watch their stuff- they don't care if I waste my time.  Who would think exposure to some darkness can cause cancer or at the very least destroy brain cells through vapid dialog?  But rest assured, every thing I pay attention to makes it's mark-at least in my memory.  Like skin cells remembering my good times at the beach, my brain stores the info somewhere.  Eventually with persistent exposure , I'll need to medicate it, radiate it or cut it out-unless I want to gradually die to all things spiritual. 

I let the doctor cut and take the larger chunk out of my arm since apparently some people die with this type of squamous cancer.  I don't really believe it.  It seems pretty harmless to me.  I guess I sometimes approach the whole exposure to media darkness with the same nonchalant attitude.  It will be fine.  Slap some VidAngel filters on it.  Whatever it takes for a moment of escapism-for a ride in someone else's reality.  

I'm not on a stupid road trip.  Rather, I'm on a trip to the sun.  Imagine that!   Since I'm going to have some ridiculous scar from the latest procedure, I might as well use it as my new personal tattoo.  My Sally/Jack Skeleton mark can stand as a visual to remind me to bathe in a different kind of sunlight or even moonlight.  Picture the last scene of Jack and Sally coming together in the bright moonlight.  I can "go to the light" even if I'm not dead.  I can soak it in and do some serious sunbathing.    

Beautiful Sight

 This morning I was thinking about a beautiful sight from a recent Easter celebration with my mother and father in-law.  Betty had recently returned from rehabilitation and is recovering from 2 major surgeries on her neck and back.  Both surgeries were intended to decrease her persistent pain and increase her mobility.  It did not have that outcome but with time we hope her mobility will improve and she will also find relief from pain.  

Throughout my 35+ years of knowing this woman, I have seen her deal with numerous physical ailments, as well as the normal degeneration associated with aging.  She is a survivor and a fighter with incredible grit.  But more than just her incredible will to survive is her commitment to personal connection and service.  A recent example was when she called to invite me over to dinner. 

Betty's dinner table provides a symbol of her commitment to physically gather her family and friends.  She prefers sit down formal dinners, expects and demonstrates good manners, and wants people to engage in appropriate dinner conversation.  Nothing is ever rushed.  As was promised in her patriarchal blessing, she has always had enough food on her table to feed her family and an army of other people.  But the food isn't as important as Betty's desire to foster connection through communication and being in each other's presence.  

Last week, Betty was less involved in the conversations around the table.   It may have been because she was not feeling well.  Decreased ability with hearing and sight can also be isolating for many people.  It doesn't surprise me that Betty fights that as well.  She pushes through her limitations to connect with others.

An example of this behavior was after I made a passing comment about a desire to accompany my best friend on one of her humanitarian service missions to Africa.  There is a group that provides vision services for individuals in need and opportunities for lay people to assist with the process.  After finishing our dessert,  I observed Betty scrolling through her phone.  I know social media is very important to Betty and she is extremely active in posting positive messages for her million or so friends. However,  I didn't quite know why she found it so important at that moment to be on Facebook, especially since she is usually so present when interacting with current company.  

 I observed her holding her phone close, squinting and contorting her face as if she was intently looking for something.  Betty put incredible effort into this process.  Finally, she said aloud, "I found it!"  She then proceeded to show me the name of her friend who organizes trips to Africa for humanitarian service.  She also followed up with a Facebook message for the contact. 

 Betty connects with people and then she helps other people connect as well.  She serves with all her might.  People are the most important thing.   She serves and continues to serve-no matter her circumstances, no matter how inconvenient, no matter how much pain she is currently feeling.  It is such a beautiful sight.

I didn't really connect the dots when I was with her, but the next morning, this image of Betty squinting on her phone popped into my mind.  As I told my son about his grandmother's service, I teared up.  It was an image that lingered with me throughout the week.  It is an image I'm inspired by.  It is an image that helps me see what matters most.  I honor her.  I so appreciate her vision.  

User Error

This morning I was thinking about lessons learned from my stupid computer, my stupid video editing program, my stupid work assignment to create a slideshow, my stupid cold sore from all the computer stress, and finally....stupid me.  For as most people know, many computer problems are caused by "user error."  Though it is natural blame the computer or app or whoever, or whatever, it helps to take a step back and ask, "What is my part in causing this problem and what can I do differently?"  

Though I appreciate the freedom that comes from being the only RT in my department, I also miss not having the younger, tech savvy, RT's to whip out a slide show in a moments notice.  It appeared so easy for them to create such professional slideshow/video presentations.  I thought it shouldn't be that hard to duplicate their results.  I'm smart-right?  I can do this! I googled "easy slideshow presentations" and selected "Clipchamp" as a tool.

After spending 20+ hours at home trying to figure things out, I renamed the program "Clipchump" or more accurately clips for chumps...like me.  Initially, I was feeling pretty awesome as I loaded the photos and videos, added transitions, added music etc. I'm beamed with pride with the thought of my burgeoning tech abilities. However as my slideshow reached the 3-5 minute mark, the computer started to make a whirling noise crying out, "I'm working too hard!"  Then it would blink, go to black, and then return with an error message, "Clipchamp stopped working."  I would then follow the instructions of closing the browser, restarting the browser and clicking into the project again.  This happened about 50 times, probably more.  Each time, when I tried to get to the point to edit it again,  the computer would whirl again resulting in the program crashing and ultimately not working. 

For about 3 days,  I went to bed defeated and depleted by "Clipchamp" vowing the next day I would do better.  I would tackle the problem afresh-go back to the drawing board- erase the old video, start a new project, try this and that.  I even upgraded to the paid version just in case that was the cause of the issue.  Not so.  It still crashed under my "heavy load" of a simple student side show with music.  

At one point, I couldn't seem to add one photo to my media.  I repeated the process about 10 times, cursing the program under my breath and screaming, "Why isn't this working?"  Then, as if the computer was talking back to me, it answered, "It's user error.  We computers are perfect.  You guys are the idiots.  Why are you cursing me for your stupidity?"  I realized that the photo I was trying to add had already been added to the program.  Oops.  "You're right,  mighty computer god." User error.

By Friday, I had the makings of an awesome cold sore on my lip brought on by computer stress, too much chocolate and sugar, and sun.  The overexposure to the sun was from spending all day Tuesday up at Sundance teaching skiing, if you could call it that.  I lamented how easy it would be if the students would just follow simple directions instead of working themselves into a overwhelmed stress response and shutting down...not working and unwilling to try again.  

My students labeled skiing as "stupid" and didn't want to have anything to do with the sport.  Their refusal to follow simple directions made me think of my refusal to follow directions in this whole computer fiasco.  Never once did I watch a tutorial or read the supplied directions online.  For some reason I thought I could figure it out on my own by poking around and experimenting. 

I was getting to the give up stage with the video editing software.  My whirling overworked brain was crashing too.  It was time to cut my losses.  I asked my son to help me learn Powerpoint or Google Slides to accomplish my task - screw Clipchamp!  He thoughtfully put on relaxing meditation music and told me to take a break.  

While bathing,  I was thinking of the whirling noise of my overworked computer.  I am working the computer too hard.  I am making this too hard.  I'm trying to use a sophisticated video editing program for a simple slide show.  I'm not editing professional videos into a version of Final Cut Pro.  I'm using the wrong tool in the wrong way.  It really is user error.   

I had a thought pop into my head-call it inspiration.  Don't work the computer program so hard.  Chop it down into bite size easy pieces that the program can handle. Then take the smaller pieces and put them together as if you are editing a video.  After getting a good night's sleep, I tried out the idea. I kept each clip to about 1 minute and tried to only do a couple of processes (transitions, overlays, text, music etc) simplify it as much as possible-not overwhelm it.     I listened to the computer to make sure it was keeping quiet and underworked-not too stressed out.  

It worked!  Enough so that the previous stress dissipated. I was even glad that I spent 20+ hours learning a new skill.  Of course, my son showed me that I could have paid $10 on the Fivr app to hire a person to make my slide show that was a billion times more professional than my current masterpiece.  Well, maybe next time. 

In the meantime, I'm going to take note from my whirling overworked computer teaching me important life lessons: #1-Keep quiet and calm-don't overwhelm self trying to respond to a million requests.  #2- Follow simple directions.  #3- Chunk things down into bite size pieces.  #4-Use the right tool for the right job.  #5- Listen to the voice of inspiration.  That's good advice wise computer gods.  I admit my user-error unworthiness.  

 But, it was not Clipchump's fault, it was my fault.  I was trying to use a 

10 Reasons why I believe in the Wellbriety Movement

 This morning I was thinking about the "Wellbriety Movement" and why I have decided to spend time and energy learning about it.  With these beliefs, I feel comfortable even becoming part of the movement especially in those principles and practices that testify of Christ as Savoir of the world. 

#1- Belief in the Creator.  There is a God.  He is real.  We can reach out to him in prayer-even the Serenity Prayer ending with "Aho" signifying "Amen." He can and does reveal himself to his creations to guide them in their great work on the earth.

#2- Belief in the Unseen World- or Spirit World.  The spirit world exist in this sphere-it is here on the earth.  It is full of real people who visit or stay with us for various reasons. Whether they are are ancestors or not, we are all related, connected to each other as brothers and sisters.  Some have our best interests, others do not.  We can find out what they want, receive their messages give them gifts and help them in tangible ways through ceremony.  

#3 - Belief in Dreams, Visions, and Personal Spiritual Messages.  These tools for communication, including sacred writings attest that we are not alone and can receive divine inspiration to help us know what to do.  Collectively they raise our personal vision to help us see ourselves as we really are and help us become what we are designed to be.   

#4- Belief in Steps of Personal Change.  Relying on the Creator and his help, individuals acknowledge and take accountability for their wrong actions, make amends, move forward with different choices, and serve their fellowman.  

#5- Belief in healing trauma through forgiveness- forgiving the unforgivable.  Whatever the historical trauma is along with the individuals who have inflicted the abuse, forgiveness unlocks the power of peace and potential to heal the generations.

#6- Belief in Suffering, Sacrifice, and Offering as part of ceremony to subjugate the body and strengthen the spirit.  In this weakened state, man is more susceptible to spiritual communication from the unseen world.  Whether it is physical suffering or spiritual suffering, all suffering has the potential of being offered up as a gift for healing of self and others.  Especially when offenses have been committed, this offering can be the most sacred-the flesh offering.  It is important to not waste the suffering, especially when it can be used in this beneficial manner.

#7- Belief in killing yourself ceremonially and accessing the power of transformation for personal change.    Themes of death and renewal, and walking in a newness of life are part of important ceremonial ritual.  

#8-Belief in Cultural Identity as a tool for personal and group identity and a sense of belonging to the great tree of humanity.  Finding out who were are and where we came from links us to our ancestors and living relatives. We can find ways to choose connection with loved ones past and present through are shared culture. Our tribe offers the social support so needed.     

#9-Belief in the importance of sacred Ceremony and Ritual.  Though certain acts and practices may seem strange or weird to observers, these symbolic practices reinforce universal, absolute truths.  They raise our sights to see clearly things as they have been, are and will be.  They help us seek further light and knowledge.   

#10- Belief in setting intentions and reflections.  One of the best habits is verbally putting our intentions into the universe, mindfully taking action throughout the day, and reflecting on choices made and taking accountability for them.   It is goal setting at its' finest with potential for powerful outcomes. 

Being Happy

 This morning I was thinking about being happy.  A friend asked me the other day if I was happy, especially since my circumstances had changed since I last talked to her.  I was single and now I'm married. If she had any idea of how my family circumstances had changed dramatically during the last 4 months, she surely wouldn't have even asked the question.  2021 was a devastating year for my family with a series of unwise choices and unsettling events that would firmly attest to the unhappy state of affairs. Does that wipe out any chance for family happiness?  What can I do differently?  What would I do differently? What I am suppose to do?

I believe happiness is a state is of being rather than a series of events or circumstances to create a desired state.  A state of being is related to the choices I make every day- the habits I form, the character I create through those choices.  I believe there are happy choices to be made everyday.  I think it is possible to be a happy person swimming in a sea of unhappy circumstances.  

Like the plaque hanging on my front door, I "choose happy" everyday.  Not only is it a personal choice to choose happy, but I believe I can choose to live the laws/commandments/principles of truth tied to happiness.  I choose to make and keep happy covenants.  The more of these happy commandments or happy laws I can keep, the more light and truth can fill my body-my very being to BE happy.   I crave light.  Light makes me a happy person.  I want to gather light, gather sunshine, gather happiness every day. 

 But more than following an endless to do list of happy commandments, I have a testimony of Jesus that sees me through the many hard times- He is my safe place.  I choose to believe in Jesus Christ and exercise faith in him. The most important thing I can do to be happy is to strengthen my testimony and seek to be valiant in my testimony of Jesus.  As I do so,  I draw peace and happiness into my soul-daily.  He takes care of my quest for joy and well being. He helps me breathe.  He helps me have hope even in great darkness.  

Though my circumstances change, though I change, though everything I see changes and  crumbles around me, I stand on an island of faith that is firm and unchanging.  I am so grateful for the Rock of my Redeemer.  I rely on it to keep me rooted in truth- my stabilizing influence to manage my torrent of emotions.  Because I know who He is, I have a better idea of who I am and can tap into some of that steadiness.  With this steadiness and enabling power of His atonement , I seek to make the happy choices, day after day, to be true to Him.  I know as I do so, he daily takes care of my happiness-not a someday I'll be happy- but here and now.  I am happy.  

Sometimes people get confused when happy choices of keeping covenants and commandments do not lead to happy circumstances.  It doesn't make sense to them.  Happy choices should have happy consequences-your life should look happy and if it doesn't then you are doing something wrong.  But that surely doesn't take into consideration other people's choices and unfavorable events.  I can pray for them to choose happy choices, I can pray for their favorable circumstances but sometimes the outcomes are out of my reach. Yet there are things I can still do. I can seek light- always.  I can seek truth.  I can be obedient.  I can love without expectation of anything in return.   I can try and help others feel the love of the Lord and reach out in service. 

My circumstances do not control my happiness.  I refuse to let circumstances or the choices of family members control my happiness.  My circumstances do not help me become a happy person. My choices help me become, or be happy.  I choose to believe.  Though circumstances change, I want to be the same ME that believes in Him and His power to save, to redeem and help me BE a BEING of happiness.       

The First Noel

 This morning I was thinking about "The First Noel".  The lyrics explain the history of the first Christmas carol-"The first noel, the angels did say-was to certain poor shepherds in fields where they lay-in fields where they lay keeping their sheep, on a cold winter's nights that was so deep.  Noel, Noel-Noel, Noel- Born is the King of Israel. "  We sang it last week in church as the closing song.  

Earlier in the meeting,  I provided the piano accompaniment for a flute solo in an arrangement of "What Child is This/Coventry Carol."   I played about 70% of the notes correctly but put as much emotion as I could into it. That was to be expected, even with 20 hours of piano practice during the week.  The song was too difficult for my current level of expertise on the piano but I wanted to serve the sister who asked me to help, especially because I was her ministering sister in my previous ward.  Though I am no longer part of the ward, it is my responsibility and privilege to serve-no matter how inconvenient or time consuming.   It was her response to the common practice question, "If there is anything I can do for you-please let me know."  She reached out and I said I would help.  I wanted her to feel loved. Though service meets needs for sure, ultimately, compassionate service amplifies the love of the Lord.  It is His love, not mine.  I don't really even know this sister more than a acquaintance.  

Though I would like to say that it was love that motivated my 20 hours of practice, it was really to avoid public humiliation.  I would be a different pianist if I practiced 20 hours a week on my own, without the threat of making a fool of myself.  I have a process for these piano assignments.   Here it is:

Step 1:  Receive an assignment-selected by other people with a set day for performance- A goal            with a deadline and a line of accountability-or someone I will be reporting to.  This urges me    forward.    

 Step 2:  General Assessment of the piece.  After sight reading the piece, I need to come to the                 conclusion that playing it on the piano is a distinct possibility or "I can do this!"  In this case, I             thought the piece wasn't too hard though that assessment changed as the week progressed. It         seemed impossible.  

Step 3:  Learn the notes-one by one.  Figure it out slowly, page by page. Get the general feeling or     emotional tenor of the song and how it should sound. 

 Step 4:   Link up the learned pages.  Start to play one page after another.

Step 5:  Speed it up.  Look at the tempo and try to follow it with the same emotional expression. This     song was ridiculously fast but since I was accompanying a flute, I didn't want her to struggle with         breath control if I was playing it too slowly.

Step 6:  Learn how to turn my own pages.  Though I used to tape all the pages together or have               someone turn pages for me, I want to follow the example and process of turning pages how       some accomplished pianist do.  I want to self-reliant when I haven't memorized the piece.

Step 7:   Slash and Burn.  Take out problematic parts and make changes (at least to turn the page).  If I'm still getting certain parts wrong after hours of practice- it will only get worse with nerves.  Give    myself a chance to succeed.

Step 8:  Account for performance anxiety.  Though I say I don't care what anyone thinks, I usually do    enough to feel a little nervous about wanting to play it perfectly, or at least do my best.

Step 9:  Don't miss a beat.  If I mess up, go on to the next measure-plow through it and act like it was    supposed to be that way. 

Step 10:  Be an instrument.  After it is done, remind myself of my main goal-to be an instrument in the   of the Master Musician- the Lord.  As an instrument, my musical performance is a vehicle for others    to feel the spirit and increase the spiritual nature of the meeting.  It is to add, not detract. It is not a        vehicle for my own aggrandizement. 

Though it is service, like all service, we are the ones that truly benefit.  We are the ones who grow and change.  I've listened to hundreds of musical numbers throughout the years and I've felt the power of music to make me feel emotion and the spirit of the Lord. But when I'm the person providing the music- I make literal changes in my piano playing ability.  I'm better musician because of the 20+ hours of practice.  I exercised my finger muscles, my brain muscles, my back muscles-and now they are stronger.  But it's more than that.  Though it's my musical gift to give, and I try to give it with much love-I'm the one who ends up feeling loved.  

Like the drummer boy, "I have no gift to give" but I play my best for Him and try to honor Him.  As I sat down after playing this latest piece, I said in my mind, "I love you!" to my God.  My song was for him. I felt his presence and his love.  

When we came to the final song, I started thinking about MY First Noel-the first time I sang this song with my mother in the church pew and all the times since I have sang or played Christmas songs to honor him through the years.  It was a parade of memories of the many instances I have felt the spirit through church music at Christmas time.  It was accompanied by a flood of tears.  I couldn't sing a single word but I felt them.   This latest piano song was yet another Noel to offer praises and affirm what I know to be true, "Born is the King of Israel."