This morning I was thinking how children feel as they spend Christmas away from their families. This was brought into sharp focus as I tried to spread Christmas cheer by taking a load of students to see some Christmas lights this month. I thought they would enjoy a dazzling display of synchronized lights & music but one little girl burst into tears, triggered by a family memory, and had a melt down as she cried, "I want to go home! I want to be with my family!" I mean who wouldn't? Who wants to be in a treatment center at Christmas? Our population is becoming more acute and as such, the majority of the children will not be home for Christmas. In some cases our students are really orphans that no one wants-adoptions gone bad-wards of the state-bounced and thrown out of foster homes, families that don't want them back because they're afraid for their own safety, parents without parental rights, parents in prison, parents dead from drug overdose etc. etc. It's no wonder that those who feel no one cares about them often have sociopathic tendencies. Their clinical histories break my heart. Being separated from loved ones-or not even having loved ones in the first place, is ultimate pain, especially at Christmas time.
I feel my childrens' pain from being separated from their father during the last 7 years. Big events trigger them-like Christmas, other family holidays, or important events like graduation, reunions, funerals, marriages-events where families should be together. Someday when my children get married, I would LOVE for all of my family to be surrounding the altar of the temple to witness the sealing. However, it is even more important to have Father in Heaven witness his children entering into temple covenants, including eternal marriage. This is the crowning ordinance made possible through the atonement of Jesus Christ. God understands that separation from loved ones=PAIN. Whether that separation comes because of our own choices, like the unsafe behavior of my students such as assault, sexual perpetration, running away, self-harm/suicidal gestures, or behavior of others that lands them in prison. Here at the Mowen household- we know separation-and it's no fun, however, it is also teaching us, up close and personal, about SEPARATION vs. Being TOGETHER FOREVER.
Heavenly Father also does not want me to be separated from him-how he wants me to WANT HIM to be present. I'm sure this separation hurts Him way more than it does me just because he actually remembers our previous relationship. Whereas, I have a veil of forgetfulness so I do not remember how close I was to him-what our family relationship was like when I lived with Him before I came to earth. This veil of forgetfulness not only helps me act in faith, but it also protects me from the PAIN of separation I would surely feel if I could only remember Father-and Mother for that matter. I'm like an orphan, but I don't even know it. If I had a magic wand full of forgetful pixie dust, I still couldn't sprinkle it on those sweet children from work even though I'm sure it would help ease their pain of separation at Christmas. Instead, I distract them with FUN. It helps-kind of. But from day one-we are planning discharge and reunification with family. That's what it's all about-being with family-enjoying each others' presence-that IS Christmas morning.
Thursday, December 25, 2014
Saturday, December 13, 2014
Behold the Magic Cleaning Power of Slip
This morning I was thinking when being slippery is actually a good thing. I happened upon this discovery while cleaning my bathtub. I love those Magic Eraser things and decided to rub down the bath walls with soap first-just because. I was AMAZED at how the bathtub rings slipped off-effortlessly. I mean those magic eraser things work great alone-but with soap-it truly was magic. It reminded me of a lecture we had from the nurses about the importance of washing your hands while singing the ABC song twice; you need to spend the necessary time using soap, rubbing and rinsing with water not to kill the germs but to help germs actually SLIP off. This is the magic cleaning power of slip.
I certainly know that being slippery isn't always a good thing-especially when it comes to "getting a grip" on reality. It can be a scary thing when important things slip my mind-I forget. It seems to be one of the greatest fears of growing old-just losing my mind-piece by piece as it slips away. I remember having a conversation with my mom about the possibility of experiencing some type of dementia in the future. Her response was something like, "Oh I hope when I've lost almost everything that I lose my mind as well so I won't know what's going on-that way I'll be a lot happier because I'll be oblivious to my plight. " Awareness isn't all it's cracked up to be. Forgetting can be a protection against harsh realities of loss. Every school kid has used the excuse, "Oh I lost my homework- or I forgot my paper at home" in hopes of being given a break. I know when I use the excuse "I forgot about it-it slipped my mind" people tend to be a little more forgiving (even though they may think I'm a flake, an airhead, or just plain stupid.
Lack of intelligence (a low IQ) has long been a symptom of people with intellectual disabilities. As we were trying to help our students see outside themselves, we had an opportunity to volunteer at a recreation center for adults who were mentally retarded. I wanted my students to have a greater appreciation for this population and reach out in friendship. I especially noted the example of joyful exuberance from 2 wonderful ladies I was sitting near. One wore Disneyland mouse-ears and was constantly distracted and delighted by the sighted of school buses passing by the window. In fact, she thought I was "cool" because I worked at a school that had 2 yellow school buses. The other gal wore a homemade Christmas hat with what could only be termed as an "ugly sweater". She caught my attention as she sang loudly, shook her rhythmic shaker, and danced in her seat to the music being played by the high school jazz band. Both gals were completely CONFIDENT about their appearance. Both gals were JOYFUL. Both gals were reacting to their environment with childlike DELIGHT. I could tell they could absolutely care less about the judgements or criticism of others because they were unaware of those judgements. They also lacked critical thinking to evaluate the quality of the musical performance. They were mindful-living in the present-delighted in what they saw and heard. I was inspired by their INNOCENCE.
It reminded me of a metaphor one of our therapist uses to "put on your raincoat" and not let the words or judgements of others stick to you. Sticks and stones can't hurt you if they slide right off. In legal world- prosecutors want charges to stick-they don't want the offender to slip away or be held guiltless of alleged crimes. Yet from a defendant's perspective-they want to be cleared of charges-they don't want things to stick. They want to be held guiltless and not accountable. Ultimately they want to be found innocent. One of the most profound moments in all my legal proceedings surrounding my x husband's business dealings, was when the judge read my mind and heart and told the court what he thought regarding my involvement. He noted how I probably trusted my husband and thought it was his money and how I may have been more of a victim than an accomplice. His words and the effect of his words allowed me as a relief defendant to only relinquish monies that were currently in my annuity and not be saddled with additional amounts lost in the annuity from the financial crash of 08-09. This was huge relief. But more than the actual financial easing-the court experience with this judge gave me this feeling of innocence that I will never forget.
Forgetting about injustices or ways others have offended me helps wash away their guilt. When others apologize, I like to say, "Forget about it. It helps reaffirm my desire to be found guiltless at the judgement bar of God. I love the promise that if we repent of our sins relying on the Savior's atonement "the same is cforgiven, and I, the Lord, remember them no more." Forgetting isn't such a bad thing either. Sins can slip away because of the cleansing power of the atonement. Behold the Magic Cleaning Power of Slip!
I certainly know that being slippery isn't always a good thing-especially when it comes to "getting a grip" on reality. It can be a scary thing when important things slip my mind-I forget. It seems to be one of the greatest fears of growing old-just losing my mind-piece by piece as it slips away. I remember having a conversation with my mom about the possibility of experiencing some type of dementia in the future. Her response was something like, "Oh I hope when I've lost almost everything that I lose my mind as well so I won't know what's going on-that way I'll be a lot happier because I'll be oblivious to my plight. " Awareness isn't all it's cracked up to be. Forgetting can be a protection against harsh realities of loss. Every school kid has used the excuse, "Oh I lost my homework- or I forgot my paper at home" in hopes of being given a break. I know when I use the excuse "I forgot about it-it slipped my mind" people tend to be a little more forgiving (even though they may think I'm a flake, an airhead, or just plain stupid.
Lack of intelligence (a low IQ) has long been a symptom of people with intellectual disabilities. As we were trying to help our students see outside themselves, we had an opportunity to volunteer at a recreation center for adults who were mentally retarded. I wanted my students to have a greater appreciation for this population and reach out in friendship. I especially noted the example of joyful exuberance from 2 wonderful ladies I was sitting near. One wore Disneyland mouse-ears and was constantly distracted and delighted by the sighted of school buses passing by the window. In fact, she thought I was "cool" because I worked at a school that had 2 yellow school buses. The other gal wore a homemade Christmas hat with what could only be termed as an "ugly sweater". She caught my attention as she sang loudly, shook her rhythmic shaker, and danced in her seat to the music being played by the high school jazz band. Both gals were completely CONFIDENT about their appearance. Both gals were JOYFUL. Both gals were reacting to their environment with childlike DELIGHT. I could tell they could absolutely care less about the judgements or criticism of others because they were unaware of those judgements. They also lacked critical thinking to evaluate the quality of the musical performance. They were mindful-living in the present-delighted in what they saw and heard. I was inspired by their INNOCENCE.
It reminded me of a metaphor one of our therapist uses to "put on your raincoat" and not let the words or judgements of others stick to you. Sticks and stones can't hurt you if they slide right off. In legal world- prosecutors want charges to stick-they don't want the offender to slip away or be held guiltless of alleged crimes. Yet from a defendant's perspective-they want to be cleared of charges-they don't want things to stick. They want to be held guiltless and not accountable. Ultimately they want to be found innocent. One of the most profound moments in all my legal proceedings surrounding my x husband's business dealings, was when the judge read my mind and heart and told the court what he thought regarding my involvement. He noted how I probably trusted my husband and thought it was his money and how I may have been more of a victim than an accomplice. His words and the effect of his words allowed me as a relief defendant to only relinquish monies that were currently in my annuity and not be saddled with additional amounts lost in the annuity from the financial crash of 08-09. This was huge relief. But more than the actual financial easing-the court experience with this judge gave me this feeling of innocence that I will never forget.
Forgetting about injustices or ways others have offended me helps wash away their guilt. When others apologize, I like to say, "Forget about it. It helps reaffirm my desire to be found guiltless at the judgement bar of God. I love the promise that if we repent of our sins relying on the Savior's atonement "the same is cforgiven, and I, the Lord, remember them no more." Forgetting isn't such a bad thing either. Sins can slip away because of the cleansing power of the atonement. Behold the Magic Cleaning Power of Slip!
Saturday, December 6, 2014
Simple Wordly Stuff
This morning I was thinking about my cute little Christmas tree. It is the leftover top portion from our large family Costco lighted tree we crammed into my condo last year. It was no easy task since I had to free it from the tangle of lights. But this year, instead wrestling with the big tree and decorating it, I just stuck the top part in a pot, put it on the glass coffee table and called it good. I threw a string of lights on hung a sample of all of Grandma B's keepsake ornaments and then wrapped Cassia's homemade quilted Santa runner around the base of the pot. My daughter reaction..."Well, that's cute but that's only the Thanksgiving tree-right?" I said, "Nope-that's it." I referred her to the carefully placed block sign reading, "Simplify." That's my theme-this year.
Taking inspiration from the theme, I threw together a simple Christmas celebration for my son on Thanksgiving night since he will not be here later this month. I guess Thanksgiving and Christmas in one day isn't so simple, and my children were mad that they weren't given sufficient warning to thoughtfully buy their brother his Christmas presents, but I did it anyway. I went to our ghost-town Shopko, which come to find is AWESOME for shopping Black Friday Deals in 1 HOUR, wrapped his presents and stuck them under the tree. My children didn't all arrive until about 11 p.m but we gathered and it was good. I did my traditional poem/song lesson thing, we opened gifts, and then Chase sang and played the guitar for us till about 1:00 a.m. It felt like Christmas to me and perhaps it did for my son as well, even though he accidentally left his box of presents in the driveway while loading his car. I don't think the gifts were exactly what he needed and wanted-but I wanted to make some type of gesture to show my love for him during the holidays, even if it was completely haphazard.
As a parent, one of the most complex and stressful parts about Christmas is getting the "perfect" gift for each child-the one that will get the magical reaction of being "exactly what they wanted." It is the most satisfying aspect of watching them open their presents. I usually like to orchestrate the whole event by starting slowly with things they need (like underwear) and ending on a dramatic crescendo with the GIFT! It's not easy to do, and sometimes it's hit or miss. In regards to dollars and cents-helping them out with their stupid cell phones, car problems, school expenses or credit issues-could easily count as "the gift"- That's your Christmas-enjoy it. However, I like to be able to help. I can't always help. I definitely cannot give them everything they want and need-These days I can only make simple gestures toward that end. And in the end all this "stuff" is just a symbol of my love and my desire to give my children THE WORLD.
My children's father was like that- he wanted to give his children the world because he truly loved them. No matter how much money we had, Christmas was always a greed frenzy-so many gifts-so over the top-so much stuff-even if it was all from the thrift store. His love strategy was stuff. My love strategy has never been stuff. In fact, at times during our marriage, I felt like I was drowning in stuff-and come to find out, most of the stuff wasn't even ours in the first place. I could write volumes about what I have learned about the stuff. I became an expert on the psychology of “stuff”through exposure and observation- by feeling it, touching it, organizing it, buying it, looking at it, thinking about it, carting it around, and GETTING RID OF IT. Stuff is complex-getting rid of it the excess is one of the most basic ways to simplify. At least this helps me so I can be a better steward over what I already have.
Nevertheless, simply saying, "I Love You" with a barren tree without any gifts under it wouldn't go over too well with the kids. I'm glad we can try to wrap that love up in box accompanied with our desire to give the children all the stuff in the world-both tangible and intangible good things of the earth. After all, God gave us stuff. The scriptures state, "I stretched out the heavens, and build the earth, my very handiwork; and all things are mine and it is my purpose to provide...for the earth is full, and there is enough and to spare; yeah I prepared all things, and have given unto the children of men to be agents unto themselves." How grateful I am that God gave each of his children THE WORLD. And though I hate stuff at times, I love it too, especially the gesture of gift giving and the symbols represented by stuff-even if it's just simple stuff.
Taking inspiration from the theme, I threw together a simple Christmas celebration for my son on Thanksgiving night since he will not be here later this month. I guess Thanksgiving and Christmas in one day isn't so simple, and my children were mad that they weren't given sufficient warning to thoughtfully buy their brother his Christmas presents, but I did it anyway. I went to our ghost-town Shopko, which come to find is AWESOME for shopping Black Friday Deals in 1 HOUR, wrapped his presents and stuck them under the tree. My children didn't all arrive until about 11 p.m but we gathered and it was good. I did my traditional poem/song lesson thing, we opened gifts, and then Chase sang and played the guitar for us till about 1:00 a.m. It felt like Christmas to me and perhaps it did for my son as well, even though he accidentally left his box of presents in the driveway while loading his car. I don't think the gifts were exactly what he needed and wanted-but I wanted to make some type of gesture to show my love for him during the holidays, even if it was completely haphazard.
As a parent, one of the most complex and stressful parts about Christmas is getting the "perfect" gift for each child-the one that will get the magical reaction of being "exactly what they wanted." It is the most satisfying aspect of watching them open their presents. I usually like to orchestrate the whole event by starting slowly with things they need (like underwear) and ending on a dramatic crescendo with the GIFT! It's not easy to do, and sometimes it's hit or miss. In regards to dollars and cents-helping them out with their stupid cell phones, car problems, school expenses or credit issues-could easily count as "the gift"- That's your Christmas-enjoy it. However, I like to be able to help. I can't always help. I definitely cannot give them everything they want and need-These days I can only make simple gestures toward that end. And in the end all this "stuff" is just a symbol of my love and my desire to give my children THE WORLD.
My children's father was like that- he wanted to give his children the world because he truly loved them. No matter how much money we had, Christmas was always a greed frenzy-so many gifts-so over the top-so much stuff-even if it was all from the thrift store. His love strategy was stuff. My love strategy has never been stuff. In fact, at times during our marriage, I felt like I was drowning in stuff-and come to find out, most of the stuff wasn't even ours in the first place. I could write volumes about what I have learned about the stuff. I became an expert on the psychology of “stuff”through exposure and observation- by feeling it, touching it, organizing it, buying it, looking at it, thinking about it, carting it around, and GETTING RID OF IT. Stuff is complex-getting rid of it the excess is one of the most basic ways to simplify. At least this helps me so I can be a better steward over what I already have.
Nevertheless, simply saying, "I Love You" with a barren tree without any gifts under it wouldn't go over too well with the kids. I'm glad we can try to wrap that love up in box accompanied with our desire to give the children all the stuff in the world-both tangible and intangible good things of the earth. After all, God gave us stuff. The scriptures state, "I stretched out the heavens, and build the earth, my very handiwork; and all things are mine and it is my purpose to provide...for the earth is full, and there is enough and to spare; yeah I prepared all things, and have given unto the children of men to be agents unto themselves." How grateful I am that God gave each of his children THE WORLD. And though I hate stuff at times, I love it too, especially the gesture of gift giving and the symbols represented by stuff-even if it's just simple stuff.
Monday, December 1, 2014
Family Tree Pictures/Gathering
This morning I was thinking about all the hassle this week to bring to pass one simple task- a family picture. I mean- How hard is it? Turns out- harder than expected trying to gather my not so little ones and have them stand in the same place and look "happy" takes the patience of Job. First challenge was getting all 5 children under the same roof again. They have scattered with the wind during the last 5 years. With my daughter living in Japan for 2 years, son in Los Angeles, and others in college towns in Southern Utah-we just haven't been all together for a long time. I know it will get worse as they start their careers and families. This is normal-I know. But when families gather- Oh what a blessing. It is the BEST Christmas present ever. It's hard to describe the overwhelming mother-hen feeling washing over me when all my "chickies" are safe and asleep in my little house. Of course, on the flip side, these sleeping chickens are no early morning roosters. I thought I gave them plenty of time to get up, get ready, take family pictures, and be off to our Thanksgiving feast in time, but I was wrong. Guess trying to wake them up at the crack of 12:30 p.m is too early.
I tried the gentle reminders- Hey this is my only Christmas present-could you please get up so we can take our family picture-just wear black and jeans-here's some extra clothes if you need them. I even took off my own pants and gave them to one son who apparently did not get the message about the jeans. I urged my sons to shave their "mexi-staches" and wash their hair-anything to just look a little more presentable. After 2 hours of coaxing them I finally gave up with the idea of being on time to our commitment. It brought back "good mommy memories" of trying to get my children out of bed for school and church. I guess those mother hen feelings about her chickies aren't as warm and fuzzy as the safely in the nest theme; it's more like trying to herd cats. Of course I didn't make it any easier by suggesting that my boys climb into a tree for the pictures. I thought it would be a good symbol for our "family tree". My instagram daughter was horrified at the photo composition and kept complaining about how stupid these pictures were going to turn out. She referred to it as being too 70's cliche- I tried to guilt them into submission by reminding them that this was the only Christmas present I wanted- a family picture-and I wanted one picture of them in a tree.
God wants his family picture too. This I know. I'm part of this great gathering of God's family tree. It is most difficult to gather scattered Israel and get us all back under the same roof. Like my children- I am hard to wake, keep sleeping and ignore his voice-all the time. I'm resistant to making changes in my appearance and behavior. When asked to keep a particular commandment or "climb a tree" I question the command with "Really?" That's just stupid. And then there's the smiling part. He not only wants me to appear happy-he wants it to be a genuine smile-the outward reflecting my true inner self. The whole point of gospel covenants is to "be together." I mention it in a song lyric, "Gathered families saved from sin." We want to be gathered together as one big happy family. This concept of family gathering-so prevalent at Thanksgiving and Christmas, is so wonderful, it's no wonder I want to capture it, preserve it- even if it's for a small moment-in a family picture. I'm in good company.
I tried the gentle reminders- Hey this is my only Christmas present-could you please get up so we can take our family picture-just wear black and jeans-here's some extra clothes if you need them. I even took off my own pants and gave them to one son who apparently did not get the message about the jeans. I urged my sons to shave their "mexi-staches" and wash their hair-anything to just look a little more presentable. After 2 hours of coaxing them I finally gave up with the idea of being on time to our commitment. It brought back "good mommy memories" of trying to get my children out of bed for school and church. I guess those mother hen feelings about her chickies aren't as warm and fuzzy as the safely in the nest theme; it's more like trying to herd cats. Of course I didn't make it any easier by suggesting that my boys climb into a tree for the pictures. I thought it would be a good symbol for our "family tree". My instagram daughter was horrified at the photo composition and kept complaining about how stupid these pictures were going to turn out. She referred to it as being too 70's cliche- I tried to guilt them into submission by reminding them that this was the only Christmas present I wanted- a family picture-and I wanted one picture of them in a tree.
Last challenge was just trying to get them to smile. I even resorted to tickling my son. It's hard to capture the best for each person in a group picture. There's bound to be a least one person who looks terrible. In the end-I just had to settle for a good-enough family picture. It's not quite what I expected, but hey-we're all together- And that's the point. The whole experience made me think of the scripture, "how oft would I have gathered you as a hen gathereth her chickens, and ye would not." I love the follow up scripture in 3 Nephi: "O ye house of Israel whom I have spared, how oft will I gather you as a hen gathereth her chickens under her wings, if ye will repent and return unto me with full purpose of heart. But if not, O house of Israel, the places of your dwellings shall become desolate until the time of the fulfilling of the covenant to your fathers."
God wants his family picture too. This I know. I'm part of this great gathering of God's family tree. It is most difficult to gather scattered Israel and get us all back under the same roof. Like my children- I am hard to wake, keep sleeping and ignore his voice-all the time. I'm resistant to making changes in my appearance and behavior. When asked to keep a particular commandment or "climb a tree" I question the command with "Really?" That's just stupid. And then there's the smiling part. He not only wants me to appear happy-he wants it to be a genuine smile-the outward reflecting my true inner self. The whole point of gospel covenants is to "be together." I mention it in a song lyric, "Gathered families saved from sin." We want to be gathered together as one big happy family. This concept of family gathering-so prevalent at Thanksgiving and Christmas, is so wonderful, it's no wonder I want to capture it, preserve it- even if it's for a small moment-in a family picture. I'm in good company.
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