Friday, April 24, 2015
Emotional Impact of Alcatraz
This morning I was thinking about the emotional impact from my recent visit to Alcatraz. My sister wanted to go to this most popular SF attraction on her birthday and previously purchased tickets. Ubiquitous Alcatraz souvenirs lined SF shops including little black and white stripped outfits for babies and other novelties making light of the experience of being incarcerated and fascination over possible escapes. The whole prison humor fell a little flat with me. I found these items offensive and deeply disturbing, though I know merchandisers were just trying to make a buck. No one was purposely trying to hurt my feelings-this was all just for "fun" like "Ha, Ha- Look at me-I'm a bad girl. These prison rules are funny. Let's escape." The trip to Alcatraz was much more serious, informative, interesting, and evocative. However, I didn't need the cell house audio tour designed to give visitors a "direct emotional impact with the experience of incarceration." For me, my connection with the penal system is already deeply personal.
It was all just a little too much as I cried while listening to the narrator describe conditions of the prisoners while gazing into the cell. I do not know what it was like for the men in Alcatraz, but I have received detailed descriptions of prison life from my x-husband. He tries to tell me what it's like for him while spending time in the modern day equivalent to Alcatraz- FCI Florence (as if I didn't need to hear THAT on the cell house tour recording). I've been there once. He's not in the Super Max underground prison-it's just across the way. I'm so sorry he has had to live in a little square block cell for the past 7 years with a hard bed, little blanket, and cold toilet. I'm so sorry he has spent months in isolation when prison authorities thought he was causing problems. I'm so sorry he talks and writes like a crazy person. I'm so sorry that his family has not really "been there" for him to give him the support he needs. I'm so sorry the man I loved for so long, has suffered and continues to suffer. I'm so sorry for the things he has done to land him in prison in the first place. I'm sorry that I haven't done the things that he believes would have freed him from his oppressors-that I somehow held the key to open the prison doors-but would not. I could go on and on and continue to cry as I write down all the things that were going through my head as I gazed into the Alcatraz cell. I don't not really know "what it is like" to be in prison. I'm sure as heck not going to take a tourist picture of me behind bars cause I think it looks "cool." Yet, I'm drawn to the penal system and am committed to help others achieve freedom rather than make a temporary escapes.
Though I'm not quite ready to work at a prison (though the pay is tempting) I work in a "secure" residential treatment center for children. Everything is locked. The children have strict rules, strict schedules and stand in lines. They have minimal possessions. Almost anything is considered contraband with a potential to harm self or others and extreme care is taken for all supplies. We have an observation room for children that are acting out-some defecating and smearing poop or their own blood on the walls or trying to strangle themselves with their own clothes (yes, children do these things). We have seclusions and restraints. We have break outs, runaways and search parties. With safe behavior and stabilized behaviors, children earn privileges and learn to function in less restricted environments. It's scaled down and my place of work is filled with the sweet innocence, but it's still like a little kid prison. Given a spoon, I'm sure most the kids would love to dig through the walls and escape to freedom. Once out, the real problem is trying to figure out where to run to, not just what to run away from.
How we all want to be free! One of the last stories from cell house audio tour was about a man who had been released from Alcatraz and now walking around the streets of San Francisco. He reported feeling even more anxious than he was in prison because he didn't know what he was supposed to do now? What do I do now that I have freedom? What to do with my time? What to do with my attention? I am deeply passionate about finding the answers to those questions. It's part of my life mission to promote leisure functioning and health and well-being. I think we all have experience with some sort of of incarceration even if it's it's only in our heads. Like the man on the street, we all want to be free and know what to do with that freedom. The audio cell house tour not only had an emotional impact on me, but strengthened my desire to continue learning how to be of service to all who find themselves in ANY type of prison.
Friday, April 17, 2015
Flight Control Plan
This morning I was thinking about my recent flight to San Francisco and safe return home. It's a well worn path for the pilots and crew, but for me, it was a new adventure. Like everyone else on the plane, I trusted the pilot knew where he was going and had the skills and experience to land the plane safely. In light of recent news events, I know this is not always the case. I'm sure the pilot of that German flight, completely trusted the co-pilot. How was he to know the plane would crash and burn when he left the controls to attend to personal business? I suppose the "crash and burn" possibility is always in the back of our heads somewhere. It was in mine as I descended through turbulence and was relieved when we safely touched ground. I was back home and curious to see how things had fared in my absence-with home, work, and church responsibilities. It was nice to know that everything didn't crash and burn just because I took a momentary leave of absence to celebrate my sister's birthday and see the sights of beautiful San Francisco. It could have...easily.
I think things rarely go as planned, but it's nice to have a plan B in place anyway. About a month ago after purchasing my airline ticket, I realized I would be gone during our choir Easter performance. I guess the responsible choir director thing to do would have been to push the trip to a different date, but I knew my sister wouldn't be pleased and I feared her disapproval more than my bishop and entire ward choir. The choir already thinks I'm crazy anyway. So, I tried to come up with a working plan and brainstorm solutions. Then I experimented with some musical ideas with the choir and tried them out during a choir practice. Finally, I stood in front of them, made a decision, and told them about the plan. I designated directors for 2 of the songs and would have the most difficult song sung as if we were singing a musical number by the podium with no leader. I would have a quartet of singers who were already familiar with the piece do the first half of the song and have the choir join in on the second half. I thought it would be great if they could flank the quartet by standing up close with them instead of singing from choir seats. I challenged the choir to listen to the piano and each other, since they would be "winging it" on their own. Heck-no one looks at the choir director anyway.
This whole abandon the choir move was like me saying, "Hey, I need to go to the bathroom-will you please take the wheel for a minute and get this plane where it needs to go." I trusted the leaders/singers and had confidence that they would not crash and burn during our Easter performance. In the successive practices, my plan B option seemed like it should have been plan A all along. It just felt right. I loved having others step up to the plate, demonstrate leadership, and experience success. However, I still felt a little uneasy and sheepishly irresponsible while taking my little ladies trip. On that Sunday, I looked at the towering coastal redwoods in Muir Woods and I couldn't help but wonder how the choir did.
A couple days later I received an email from my sweet visiting teaching companion commenting on how lovely the choir sounded. She noted how the piece where the choir sang with the quartet,"This is the Christ," was especially "spirit filled." That is the whole point of having the choir sing anyway-to increase the spiritual nature of our meetings. The Holy Ghost testifies of the truths we sing about, primarily, "This is the Christ!" The plane had successfully reached its' destination! It had safely landed. My trust was well placed. My co-pilots executed the plan. I'm so grateful for THE plan, Heavenly Father's Plan for our Happiness. He trust us to take the wheel-to make independent choices to follow that plan. Our guidance system has been hard-wired in us-like sophisticated air flight controls but we still are in the pilots seat. Our journey home isn't on autopilot-we still have to take the wheel, be trustworthy, and follow His flight control plan.
I think things rarely go as planned, but it's nice to have a plan B in place anyway. About a month ago after purchasing my airline ticket, I realized I would be gone during our choir Easter performance. I guess the responsible choir director thing to do would have been to push the trip to a different date, but I knew my sister wouldn't be pleased and I feared her disapproval more than my bishop and entire ward choir. The choir already thinks I'm crazy anyway. So, I tried to come up with a working plan and brainstorm solutions. Then I experimented with some musical ideas with the choir and tried them out during a choir practice. Finally, I stood in front of them, made a decision, and told them about the plan. I designated directors for 2 of the songs and would have the most difficult song sung as if we were singing a musical number by the podium with no leader. I would have a quartet of singers who were already familiar with the piece do the first half of the song and have the choir join in on the second half. I thought it would be great if they could flank the quartet by standing up close with them instead of singing from choir seats. I challenged the choir to listen to the piano and each other, since they would be "winging it" on their own. Heck-no one looks at the choir director anyway.
This whole abandon the choir move was like me saying, "Hey, I need to go to the bathroom-will you please take the wheel for a minute and get this plane where it needs to go." I trusted the leaders/singers and had confidence that they would not crash and burn during our Easter performance. In the successive practices, my plan B option seemed like it should have been plan A all along. It just felt right. I loved having others step up to the plate, demonstrate leadership, and experience success. However, I still felt a little uneasy and sheepishly irresponsible while taking my little ladies trip. On that Sunday, I looked at the towering coastal redwoods in Muir Woods and I couldn't help but wonder how the choir did.
A couple days later I received an email from my sweet visiting teaching companion commenting on how lovely the choir sounded. She noted how the piece where the choir sang with the quartet,"This is the Christ," was especially "spirit filled." That is the whole point of having the choir sing anyway-to increase the spiritual nature of our meetings. The Holy Ghost testifies of the truths we sing about, primarily, "This is the Christ!" The plane had successfully reached its' destination! It had safely landed. My trust was well placed. My co-pilots executed the plan. I'm so grateful for THE plan, Heavenly Father's Plan for our Happiness. He trust us to take the wheel-to make independent choices to follow that plan. Our guidance system has been hard-wired in us-like sophisticated air flight controls but we still are in the pilots seat. Our journey home isn't on autopilot-we still have to take the wheel, be trustworthy, and follow His flight control plan.
Monday, April 6, 2015
What's the Point?
This morning I was thinking about change talk or what we say to ourselves and others that precipitates our taking action. On Friday, my intern and I were belaying a group of girls on the rock wall in the gym. Most of the girls made some sort of effort to climb with the exception of one who was not willing to try. In addition to being afraid of heights, she explained that she would not be able to get very high (like the other girls she was observing) so it wasn't worth the effort. She stated, "What's the point?" It was her lack of desire as well as her lack of belief in her abilities that prevented her from changing her state from observer to participant. It reminded me of the DARN-C acronym in Motivational Interviewing as the counselor tries to illicit change talk from the client. The D stands for desire, the A for abilities- or belief in one's ability to change. It's the concept behind self-efficacy. What's true or not about a person's abilities isn't really even an issue, it's the belief about those abilities that can stop someone in their tracks and make them inert. It reinforces the statement by Henry Ford, "Whether you think you can or think you can't-you're right."
Self-efficacy is great and all, but this weekend while studying I was reminded of something beyond thinking you can do hard things. It's more like God+Self-Efficacy. Nephi illustrates this principle with his response to his brothers' mocking and unwillingness to help"for they did not believe that I could build a ship; neither would they believe that I was instructed of the Lord." They did not believe Nephi could do hard things or that he could accomplish what the Lord had commanded. Nephi then gives a great discourse on God's dealings with the children of Israel, similar to Paul's discourse on faith to the Hebrews. Maybe this God+Self-Efficacy is another word for believing in HIS abilities and putting our faith and trust in him to follow his commands. It is God's enabling power through His grace. Nephi is our "go and do" man-definitely not standing around saying, "What's the point?" He knows he can do all things required by the Lord. He can do hard things like keeping all the commandments-even the specific ones for him in accomplishing God's will. He later puts it so beautifully as he states, " O Lord, I have trusted in thee, and I will trust in thee forever. I will not put my trust in the arm of flesh."
I think on Jeffrey Holland's latest conference address about the strong arms of the brother trying to leap to his safety while rock climbing. It was his last ditch attempt to "do hard things-to give everything he had-every last ounce of effort." Yet, it was not enough-he was slipping, falling to his death. But then the waiting arms of his younger brother reached out and saved him from his fall. It was a great talk on the atonement and especially fitting for Easter. (https://www.lds.org/general-conference/watch/2015/04?lang=eng&vid=4154894180001&cid=10) It is HIS arms that save me from the fall. It is HIS arms that I can rely on-to trust. It is my faith in Him and His abilities and my desire to show my love for him through keeping his commandments that propels me forward. It elicits my own change talk. There have been times when I've questioned my life's purposes and thought, What's the point? I'm never going to reach the top. I'm not going to "make it to the Celestial Kingdom." I'm not going to have a "Forever Family" I'm afraid of falling. But I am not going to just stand around observing everyone and refuse to participate. I'm going to try. And if I foster that God-Self Efficacy, I know I can do whatever hard thing God want's me to do. That's the point.
Self-efficacy is great and all, but this weekend while studying I was reminded of something beyond thinking you can do hard things. It's more like God+Self-Efficacy. Nephi illustrates this principle with his response to his brothers' mocking and unwillingness to help"for they did not believe that I could build a ship; neither would they believe that I was instructed of the Lord." They did not believe Nephi could do hard things or that he could accomplish what the Lord had commanded. Nephi then gives a great discourse on God's dealings with the children of Israel, similar to Paul's discourse on faith to the Hebrews. Maybe this God+Self-Efficacy is another word for believing in HIS abilities and putting our faith and trust in him to follow his commands. It is God's enabling power through His grace. Nephi is our "go and do" man-definitely not standing around saying, "What's the point?" He knows he can do all things required by the Lord. He can do hard things like keeping all the commandments-even the specific ones for him in accomplishing God's will. He later puts it so beautifully as he states, " O Lord, I have trusted in thee, and I will trust in thee forever. I will not put my trust in the arm of flesh."
I think on Jeffrey Holland's latest conference address about the strong arms of the brother trying to leap to his safety while rock climbing. It was his last ditch attempt to "do hard things-to give everything he had-every last ounce of effort." Yet, it was not enough-he was slipping, falling to his death. But then the waiting arms of his younger brother reached out and saved him from his fall. It was a great talk on the atonement and especially fitting for Easter. (https://www.lds.org/general-conference/watch/2015/04?lang=eng&vid=4154894180001&cid=10) It is HIS arms that save me from the fall. It is HIS arms that I can rely on-to trust. It is my faith in Him and His abilities and my desire to show my love for him through keeping his commandments that propels me forward. It elicits my own change talk. There have been times when I've questioned my life's purposes and thought, What's the point? I'm never going to reach the top. I'm not going to "make it to the Celestial Kingdom." I'm not going to have a "Forever Family" I'm afraid of falling. But I am not going to just stand around observing everyone and refuse to participate. I'm going to try. And if I foster that God-Self Efficacy, I know I can do whatever hard thing God want's me to do. That's the point.
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