This morning I was thinking about my reasons for writing this blog, especially since this is my 100th posting. What am I trying to accomplish? What's my purpose? Does this blog serve anyone? What's my motivation? Does anyone even care what I have to say? Why do I care? Am I only an attention seeking narcissist?
First of all, writers write. I once had a friend who encouraged me go ahead and label myself as an artist, a musician or writer instead of waiting around until I was published, publically recognized or being paid for my work. Being full of self-doubt, I waited for validation from other people to give that label to me after my works merited it. However, I've learned the most important things I have done in life, I've usually done for free. I'm the one doing the paying. It's part of my life mission-a personal calling, if you will. Regardless, she told me to-wear the label-own it-do it. I feel compelled to create and feel joy as I share my expression with others. My best art usually happens when I am creating to serve others instead of feeding my ego. I can certainly tell when my work is missing the spark of inspiration.
I started writing after being released as a Relief Society teacher and wanted to continue taking time to think deeply about things, make connections, and discover and express truths. It's my own search for meaning. It's also my way of adding my witness to the truths found in gospel of Jesus Christ-my little book of Erin. All things testify of Christ and Heavenly Father's plan for our happiness. The more I look for the connections, the more I see them. Everything becomes symbolic. Everything becomes an opportunity for experiential learning. The gospel is the lense by which I view my world. My daughter would argue my blog relies heavily on my boy crazy, "search for love" lense. Nevertheless, relationships are central to God's plan as well. Our brain is designed for human connection and the development of empathy one of our highest aims.
I also used to write a post of "Weekly Blessings" on my facebook feed. It was an exercise to notice that hand of the Lord in my daily life. I could just as easily have done a weekly paragraph of my "Latest Horrible Things About My Life." However, noting the good things in my world helps me keep a positive focus. It fuels my drive for life instead of feeling depleted of resources- running on empty, instead of full. It's a great habit I want to reinforce and continue. I have shifted this practice to my private journal though I do think there is value in a public declaration of the goodness of our God.
And then there is the attention piece. I'm comfortable in the limelight-in front of the crowd. Give me a empty stage and I'll dance across it. Give me a mic and I'll use my most dramatic voice. Who doesn't want to be a star? Who doesn't want people to like them? I guess there are lots of meek, humble people who cringe at the thought of receiving any personal attention. That's not me, though I appreciate their selfless examples. For me, it's trying to use that attention to increase personal influence for good. We can get attention and then turn that attention to the person in the big spotlight-The Savior. I write because I want to seek for light and truth and encourage others to do likewise.
Does anyone even care what I have to say? I know I sometimes get caught up in caring too much what others think. Yet I know, most of the time, people are thinking about themselves-they're not thinking about me or what I wrote. Being self-conscious is a waste of time because I'm just not that important. I'm preoccupied with myself. Which is easy to understand since I'm with myself 24/7. In my mind, I see some secret someone reading my blog and really "getting me" and then really "getting it" Whatever it is. I'm still going to explore and continue my writing for whatever reason.
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