Fool

This morning I was thinking about the importance of admitting my own stupidity and how it can open the channel to much needed guidance and support.  I suppose in the same manner, holding on to the idea, "I'm not that stupid" or "I would never do something so foolish" bolsters my pride rather than builds me up.

I so badly want to be "smart."  Having dealt with dumb blonde jokes my whole life, or being referred to as an "airhead", I suppose it's natural wanting to prove everyone wrong.  Lately, instead of using my mornings for thinking (as noted in the title of this blog) I've been focusing on education via the internet.  I'm trying to take more control of my financial future and learn investment strategies with limited risk.  The smart goal is to have enough knowledge and skill so my choices will look more like investing than gambling.  I'm not doing so well but at this point, I'm still willing to try.  When I've succeeded, it's usually been more luck than skill.  I'd love to attribute results to my own genius.  But the fact remains...I lose-whether it's my emotional side running the show or getting distracted-something seems to be getting in the way.  I have to figure it out asap.

This weekend I went with my mother to watch my kids shoot guns up the canyon at the Provo Gun Club. It was great to see my daughter's swagger as she shared her passion with her siblings.  I had ear protection most of the time, but it was easy to feel rattled inside as the powerful guns went off.  When it was time to leave, I couldn't find the keys to the car.  We knew I mostly stayed in the car.   I laughed with my mom saying "It's not like I just went out there and waved my hands in the air like an idiot and threw my keys into the air. They have to be here in the car somewhere. I'm not that stupid."  My daughter had a spare key and we left the range knowing the key would turn up later.

While sitting with my mom at the library listening to a fabulous chamber orchestra concert, I went over the details at the gun club and where the keys could be.  I tried to enjoy the world class musicians as much as possible but found my mind drifting.  Finally I said to myself, "You know Erin, you are pretty stupid and you would get out the car, get distracted and drop your keys in some random place."  At that point, I received a prompting to return to the gun range and look in the dirt even though I knew no one would be there and it might be closed.  I had to try.  My mom wasn't too keen on the idea, but we went immediately after the concert.

Miraculously, the gates were still open and we saw a few cars in the lot.  The head dude with the orange safety jacket came out to the car and asked if I was missing some keys and handed them to me.  He explained how lucky I was since he would usually be gone by now but was testing out some new gun and stayed later. What a blessing!  I was glad I had listened to that voice telling me to go back now and check.  However, I don't think I would have had the same result if I didn't admit previously that I was that stupid.  Perhaps I would have kept looking in my purse, car etc and missed the small window of opportunity to find the guy in the orange jacket.

How many promptings do I ignore daily?  What treasures could I find if I would only listen and respond immediately?    How many promptings are blocked because I'm too concerned with building myself up rather than being humble and teachable? It reminded me of a great scripture in the Book of Mormon in 2 Nephi 9:42

"And whoso knocketh, to him will he open; and the wise, and the learned, and they that are rich, who are puffed up because of their learning, and their wisdom, and their riches-yea, they are they whom he despiseth; and save they shall cast these things away, and consider themselves fools before God, and come down in the depths of humility, he will not open unto them."

Yes, I want to be smart, but I also want to be a fool-a fool for Christ.