When I found out that Jeff would shortly be released from prison, I started a private blog entitled, "99 Bottles of Beer." I invited some close family, friends, and therapists to read it to help me process through some issues. I didn't quite make it down to bottle #1, but I have 60 entries that helped me express bottled up thoughts and feelings. It was important for me to get them out. I share my last entry with my facebook friends:
Just how many bottles do I have left in me? Do I have 40 more issues to discuss? Or am I like the soda pop that has gone flat after sitting out too long? I'm feeling pretty calm. Is that me feeling dead inside or am I at peace? I'm sure I could rehash some thoughts and feelings of profound failure in my life, feelings of loss and grief, constant change and emotional upheaval, and uncertainties in the future-but my time is up.
A couple of weeks ago when retiring for bed, I started thinking about Jeff's imminent release-I had a wave of anxiety as a parade of thoughts and feelings marched through my mind. I needed to sleep. I had to get up in a couple of hours for work. I needed help to get my needed rest. At that moment, the words to a familiar hymn went through my mind, "Where Can I Turn for Peace?" I tried to remember each verse and rehearse them in my mind:
"Where Can I Turn for Peace? Where is my solace? When other sources cease to make me whole. When with a wounded heart, anger or malice. I draw myself apart, searching my soul.
Where when my aching grows, where when I languish. Where in my need to know. Where can I run? Where is the quiet hand-to calm my anguish. Who who can understand-He only one!
He answers privately. Reaches my reaching. In my Gethsemane, Savior and friend. Gentle the peace he finds, for my beseeching. Constant he is and kind, love without end!"
As I did so, a wave of stillness enveloped me. It felt like my body was wrapped up in something soft and comforting. It was something quite tangible. Not only did it calm my mind and heart, but my body felt calm as well as it started to drift into sleep.
The next morning I knew that hymn should be our monthly choir number. This song needed to be my focus. I encouraged our choir members to memorize the words so they too could call upon them in their hours of need. I found one of my early arrangements of this hymn that I had performed with my brother.
The pages of my composition were torn, tattered, faded, and extremely hard to read. It was so confusing for our choir; we compared it to interpreting an ancient manuscript with a Urim and Thumim. They were appreciative when I transcribed it into a new music notation software program I found online. It surely communicated my musical ideas in a clearer fashion.
Yet I like my confusing copy for sentimental reasons. My brother wrote the lyrics in his familiar scrawl underneath his notes he was to sing. I love my brother. I need my brother. He has been my one constant priesthood source throughout my life. If there was ever a time for a priesthood blessing-it's now, especially since Jeff gets out tomorrow.
I don't have priesthood sons to give me a blessing. I don't have a priesthood husband to give me a blessing. My home teachers moved out of the ward last week. I could ask my father in law for a blessing, but considering my recent call with him where he literally said 10 words to me, he might not be the best source to turn to. I need a blessing.
I had a thought this morning that maybe I could get set apart for my nursery call after church and slip in a request for a priesthood blessing from the bishop. The thought was confirmed as I glanced at our nursery lesson for today entitled, "Heavenly Father Blesses Me Through The Priesthood." Coincidence? No. Confirmation. Heavenly Communication. God is aware of me and my needs.
Regardless if I get a blessing today or not, regardless if I talk to my big brother Jerry today or not, Jesus answers privately, reaches my reaching. In my Gethsamane, Savior and Friend. Gentle the peace he finds, for my beseeching. Constant He is and kind, Love without End. Though it's nice to find authorized servants that represent Jesus, I need to remember who they are really representing-my big brother Jesus.
I have a testimony that Jesus is real. I want to be valiant in that testimony. I am so grateful He loves me. He not only comforts me when I can't sleep, but he brings peace as I face all sorts of challenging situations. He helps me find solutions to problems. Like the caption on lds.org media clip says today, "Whatever he saith unto you-Do it."
So where can I turn for peace on this special day? I turn to Him. I run to Him.
Sunday, August 20, 2017
Monday, August 7, 2017
Bella Baptism
This morning I was thinking about baptism since it was the topic of my nursery lesson yesterday. The nursery manual is so simple, yet so profound. It's chalked full of simple truths. It reminded me of the song I wrote for my sweet great niece, Bella for her own baptism last month..
Right away, the tune came to me using her name, Bella-which means beautiful. Though I knew that she would like to hear everyone singing her name, I also wanted to write a primary song everyone could relate to. We all want to be beautiful and clean. Whether we are boy or girl, young or old, we care about how things look. We not only spend time and effort to look our best, but we care about our environment-we surround ourselves with beautiful things. It reminds me of our beautiful world and our power to create. Beauty matters.
I also wanted to pay homage to my talented sister, Kathy, who for years has sewn many beautiful little girl dresses for her daughters and now her grandchildren. She also is a Disney queen. As such, I wanted the song to have references to one of her favorite characters-Cinderella. Kathy sometimes refers to herself as Cinderella, not only because she works, and works, and works, but she's also waiting for that handsome prince to sweep her off her feet and give her the care and attention she so deserves. by the way, if anyone out there has a Disney guy out there who'd like to go with my sister to walk the streets of Disneyland with her every week, please send him my way and I'll set them up.
Even though the song has references to a Disney princess, the gentleman are included in the doctrine contained therein. So I'm going to break it down-line by line and point out some ideas I was trying to illustrate through music. Lyrics are in bold.
Chorus:
"Bella Baptism for you". My darling great niece Bella. This was her special day and I wanted her to have her special song.
"Bella Baptism for me". I need the ordinance of baptism as well, especially if I want to be beautiful.
"He would do it just for you." The "He" is Jesus Christ. The great work of his atonement is personalized. Every single person will have their work done-name by name. It would be a lot easier if there was a mass baptism, but he calls us one by one. The ordinance is done one by one. And though I don't feel very important , I believe the Savior would have accomplished his Father's work, even if it was just for one person. The worth of the soul is great and each person is precious.
"To make you beautiful and clean." Though man made efforts help, when it comes down to real beauty-the only way it can be accomplished is through the cleansing blood of Jesus Christ and the sanctifying power of the Holy Spirit.
"A royal invitation came, but you could not go just the same." God is THE royal king. He invites us to join him, but no unclean thing can enter into his kingdom. Though we may want to go and live with him-we can't. We all sin. We are all unclean. We can't atone for own sins.
"All dressed in rags, covered in soot, the smell of fire from head to foot." Metaphorically, we are all way worse than Cinderella has ever been depicted. We are all more like homeless people that have been living on the streets for years. We not only look bad, but we stink. No matter how hard we try, the stark reality is that our souls look worse than Dorian Gray. We are just plain ugly.
"You need to change!" If you've ever come home from a long camping trip, a good bath and changing our clothes come first. Repentance is change. We can't go on doing the same things-we have to change directions.
"The hour is nigh, be fitted for the court on high." I like the image of Cinderella trying to fit in at court. Without the right clothes, she not only wouldn't be admitted but she'd wouldn't feel comfortable. It would make others uncomfortable as well. We want to belong. We also refer to God's kingdom as a court on high.
"You cry for help beyond your own, 'cause you can't do it all alone." Cinderella couldn't do it alone, she cried and fairy godmother responded. We can't do it alone either. We all have a real fairy godmother. Someone who is truly there for us that will respond to our needs-especially the important need of being clean and beautiful.
Chorus:
2nd verse:
"The Evening and the Morning Star, The Rod of Power, His Mighty Arm" These are all scriptural references to Jesus Christ and his Royal Priesthood. He's the one. I also wanted to evoke the image of a wand with a star on top of it.
"will lay you down in waters deep, and lift you up to make you clean." The imagery of baptism is so powerful. I know it's not magic, but it sure is wonderful that faith in Jesus Christ, followed by baptism cleanses us from sin. And we continue the great image of water cleansing us as we partake of the baptism. It is not enough to have someone lay you down in water, it must be done by "His mighty arm"-someone who truly hold the Priesthood. If not, it does not have the power to cleanse. You're just playing pretend.
.
"A Mighty Change." This has reference to being born again. Truly becoming a new creature. Alma states, "a mighty change was also wrought in their hearts and they humbled themselves and put their trust in the true and living God. And behold they were faithful until the end therefor they were saved." He asks,"Have ye received his image in your countenances? Have ye experienced this mighty change in your hearts?
"The Spirit's flame, as hands upon your head are placed." This has reference to confirmation and the gift of the constant companionship of the Holy Ghost. It also alludes to the image of fire as a sanctifying, purifying element.
"And you will shine and sparkle bright as you seek truth and further light." I loved this line. When I think of Disney princesses-I can't help think of sparkles and glitter. Glitter and diamonds sparkle as they reflect light. The most sparkly and shiny thing I can think of is the image of the Father and the Son appearing to Joseph Smith "whose brightness and glory defy all description" As we seek out truth as young Joseph, we too reflect the light.
Chorus
Right away, the tune came to me using her name, Bella-which means beautiful. Though I knew that she would like to hear everyone singing her name, I also wanted to write a primary song everyone could relate to. We all want to be beautiful and clean. Whether we are boy or girl, young or old, we care about how things look. We not only spend time and effort to look our best, but we care about our environment-we surround ourselves with beautiful things. It reminds me of our beautiful world and our power to create. Beauty matters.
I also wanted to pay homage to my talented sister, Kathy, who for years has sewn many beautiful little girl dresses for her daughters and now her grandchildren. She also is a Disney queen. As such, I wanted the song to have references to one of her favorite characters-Cinderella. Kathy sometimes refers to herself as Cinderella, not only because she works, and works, and works, but she's also waiting for that handsome prince to sweep her off her feet and give her the care and attention she so deserves. by the way, if anyone out there has a Disney guy out there who'd like to go with my sister to walk the streets of Disneyland with her every week, please send him my way and I'll set them up.
Even though the song has references to a Disney princess, the gentleman are included in the doctrine contained therein. So I'm going to break it down-line by line and point out some ideas I was trying to illustrate through music. Lyrics are in bold.
Chorus:
"Bella Baptism for you". My darling great niece Bella. This was her special day and I wanted her to have her special song.
"Bella Baptism for me". I need the ordinance of baptism as well, especially if I want to be beautiful.
"He would do it just for you." The "He" is Jesus Christ. The great work of his atonement is personalized. Every single person will have their work done-name by name. It would be a lot easier if there was a mass baptism, but he calls us one by one. The ordinance is done one by one. And though I don't feel very important , I believe the Savior would have accomplished his Father's work, even if it was just for one person. The worth of the soul is great and each person is precious.
"To make you beautiful and clean." Though man made efforts help, when it comes down to real beauty-the only way it can be accomplished is through the cleansing blood of Jesus Christ and the sanctifying power of the Holy Spirit.
"A royal invitation came, but you could not go just the same." God is THE royal king. He invites us to join him, but no unclean thing can enter into his kingdom. Though we may want to go and live with him-we can't. We all sin. We are all unclean. We can't atone for own sins.
"All dressed in rags, covered in soot, the smell of fire from head to foot." Metaphorically, we are all way worse than Cinderella has ever been depicted. We are all more like homeless people that have been living on the streets for years. We not only look bad, but we stink. No matter how hard we try, the stark reality is that our souls look worse than Dorian Gray. We are just plain ugly.
"You need to change!" If you've ever come home from a long camping trip, a good bath and changing our clothes come first. Repentance is change. We can't go on doing the same things-we have to change directions.
"The hour is nigh, be fitted for the court on high." I like the image of Cinderella trying to fit in at court. Without the right clothes, she not only wouldn't be admitted but she'd wouldn't feel comfortable. It would make others uncomfortable as well. We want to belong. We also refer to God's kingdom as a court on high.
"You cry for help beyond your own, 'cause you can't do it all alone." Cinderella couldn't do it alone, she cried and fairy godmother responded. We can't do it alone either. We all have a real fairy godmother. Someone who is truly there for us that will respond to our needs-especially the important need of being clean and beautiful.
Chorus:
2nd verse:
"The Evening and the Morning Star, The Rod of Power, His Mighty Arm" These are all scriptural references to Jesus Christ and his Royal Priesthood. He's the one. I also wanted to evoke the image of a wand with a star on top of it.
"will lay you down in waters deep, and lift you up to make you clean." The imagery of baptism is so powerful. I know it's not magic, but it sure is wonderful that faith in Jesus Christ, followed by baptism cleanses us from sin. And we continue the great image of water cleansing us as we partake of the baptism. It is not enough to have someone lay you down in water, it must be done by "His mighty arm"-someone who truly hold the Priesthood. If not, it does not have the power to cleanse. You're just playing pretend.
.
"A Mighty Change." This has reference to being born again. Truly becoming a new creature. Alma states, "a mighty change was also wrought in their hearts and they humbled themselves and put their trust in the true and living God. And behold they were faithful until the end therefor they were saved." He asks,"Have ye received his image in your countenances? Have ye experienced this mighty change in your hearts?
"The Spirit's flame, as hands upon your head are placed." This has reference to confirmation and the gift of the constant companionship of the Holy Ghost. It also alludes to the image of fire as a sanctifying, purifying element.
"And you will shine and sparkle bright as you seek truth and further light." I loved this line. When I think of Disney princesses-I can't help think of sparkles and glitter. Glitter and diamonds sparkle as they reflect light. The most sparkly and shiny thing I can think of is the image of the Father and the Son appearing to Joseph Smith "whose brightness and glory defy all description" As we seek out truth as young Joseph, we too reflect the light.
Chorus
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