99 Bottles of Beer and Peace

When I found out that Jeff would shortly be released from prison, I started a private blog entitled, "99 Bottles of Beer."  I invited some close family, friends, and therapists to read it to help me process through some issues.  I didn't quite make it down to bottle #1, but I have 60 entries that helped me express bottled up thoughts and feelings. It was important for me to get them out. I share my last entry with my facebook friends:

Just how many bottles do I have left in me?  Do I have 40 more issues to discuss?  Or am I like the soda pop that has gone flat after sitting out too long?  I'm feeling pretty calm.  Is that me feeling dead inside or am I at peace?   I'm sure I could rehash some thoughts and feelings of profound failure in my life, feelings of loss and grief, constant change and emotional upheaval, and uncertainties in the future-but my time is up.

A couple of weeks ago when retiring for bed, I started thinking about Jeff's imminent release-I had a wave of anxiety as a parade of thoughts and feelings marched through my mind.  I needed to sleep.  I had to get up in a couple of hours for work. I needed help to get my needed rest.  At that moment, the words to a familiar hymn went through my mind, "Where Can I Turn for Peace?" I tried to remember each verse and rehearse them in my mind:

 "Where Can I Turn for Peace?  Where is my solace?  When other sources cease to make me whole.  When with a wounded heart, anger or malice.  I draw myself apart, searching my soul.

 Where when my aching grows, where when I languish.  Where in my need to know.  Where can I run?  Where is the quiet hand-to calm my anguish.  Who who can understand-He only one!

He answers privately. Reaches my reaching.  In my Gethsemane, Savior and friend.  Gentle the peace he finds, for my beseeching.  Constant he is and kind, love without end!"

 As I did so, a wave of stillness enveloped me.  It felt like my body was wrapped up in something soft and comforting.  It was something quite tangible.  Not only did it calm my mind and heart, but my body felt calm as well as it started to drift into sleep.

The next morning I knew that hymn should be our monthly choir number.  This song needed to be my focus. I encouraged our choir members to memorize the words so they too could call upon them in their hours of need.  I found one of my early arrangements of this hymn that I had performed with my brother.

The pages of my composition were torn, tattered, faded, and extremely hard to read.   It was so confusing for our choir; we compared it to interpreting an ancient manuscript with a Urim and Thumim.    They were appreciative when I transcribed it into a new music notation software program I found online. It surely communicated my musical ideas in a clearer fashion.

Yet I like my confusing copy for sentimental reasons.  My brother wrote the lyrics in his familiar scrawl underneath his notes he was to sing.   I love my brother.  I need my brother.  He has been my one constant priesthood source throughout my life.  If there was ever a time for a priesthood blessing-it's now, especially since Jeff gets out tomorrow.

I don't have priesthood sons to give me a blessing.  I don't have a priesthood husband to give me a blessing.  My home teachers moved out of the ward last week.  I could ask my father in law for a blessing, but considering my recent call with him where he literally said 10 words to me, he might not be the best source to turn to. I need a blessing.

I had a thought this morning that maybe I could get set apart for my nursery call after church and slip in a request for a priesthood blessing from the bishop.  The thought was confirmed as I glanced at our nursery lesson for today entitled, "Heavenly Father Blesses Me Through The Priesthood."  Coincidence?  No.  Confirmation.  Heavenly Communication.  God is aware of me and my needs.

Regardless if I get a blessing today or not, regardless if I talk to my big brother Jerry today or not, Jesus answers privately, reaches my reaching.  In my Gethsamane, Savior and Friend.  Gentle the peace he finds, for my beseeching.  Constant He is and kind,  Love without End.  Though it's nice to find authorized servants that represent Jesus, I need to remember who they are really representing-my big brother Jesus.

I have a testimony that Jesus is real. I want to be valiant in that testimony.  I am so grateful He loves me.  He not only comforts me when I can't sleep, but he brings peace as I face all sorts of challenging situations.  He helps me find solutions to problems.  Like the caption on lds.org media clip says today, "Whatever he saith unto you-Do it."

So where can I turn for peace on this special day?  I turn to Him.  I run to Him.