Have You Tried Your Very Best?

 Recently I had the question posed to me, "Have you tried your very best?"  It was in regards to my marriage. It triggered a series negative emotions, unkind thoughts as well as knee jerk defensive reactions.  It brought to mind a series of questions including, "Have you tried you very best as a woman?  Have you tried your very best as a mom?  Have you tried your very best in the workplace?  Have you tried your very best regarding gospel living?  

It was followed by a comment about the importance of truthfully responding- calling into question my integrity.  Though I had taken offense, the whole experience highlighted one of my core issues of being enough or doing "all I can do" to be acceptable.  This dis-ease comes from being judged and finding myself lacking in one or many areas.  It also alludes to the most important future moment of the final judgement.  How I don't want to be found missing the mark, not being enough, not having done enough, not having really "done my best."  Can't I always do more?  Can't I always be a little better? It's not even really about perfectionism, it's more about giving a quantitative or qualitative rendering of "my best efforts."  

Though this question has lingered in my mind for many years, I remember a sentinel moment where I felt like my question had truly been answered.  It was a giant "AHA" moment combined with an electric confirmation of its' veracity.   It was at a singles conference, of all places.  I actually really liked the EFY sensibility of all the workshops for the older crowd.  I don't know if I've written about this before. If so, I think it's worth repeating.

During the brief talk, the speaker (I can't even remember his name) referenced a scripture, "2 Nephi 25:23: “For we labor diligently to write, to persuade our children, and also our brethren, to believe in Christ, and to be reconciled to God; for we know that it is by grace that we are saved, after all we can do.” 

He provided insight into the phrase " all we can do."  Instead of emphasizing the unlimited "all" word, the emphasis was on the "we can do"-almost suggesting a limiting quality or finite, sub par performance. He helped me understand that Christ provides the 100% best effort through his atonement.  It's NOT a math equation where I try my best and do 10% and he makes up the difference.  He is the difference.  He makes all the difference.  Doing what "I can do" by exercising faith in his infinite, unlimited atonement enables me to access his complete 100% grace in spite of my limited version of doing my best. 

I will never be enough, but with faith in Him, Jesus Christ, that is completely okay.  He is my judge.  He truly knows the desires of my heart and my sincere efforts to exercise faith in him.  I rely on his judgement.  If there is room for improvement or redirecting my energy, I want to increase my faith, even strive for a more perfect faith in him and his perfect atonement.  

 With increased understanding, I have personally felt the spirit tell me over and over again that I truly am enough.  Others may not agree.  But that's okay. He accepts my offering.  He accepts my efforts as a woman, wife, mother, worker bee, or disciple. I do not have to justify that to anyone. 

Bluebird

 This morning I was thinking about being a true bluebird.  Sometime between kindergarten and first grade, my mother signed me up for bluebirds and volunteered to be the adult leader.  Bluebirds were the youngest age group in the Campfire girls organization, very similar to Girl Scouts.  Our uniforms were red, white, and blue in contrast to the drab brown garb of the “ Brownies” from G S A. Instead of earning patches, we earned beads and placed them on Native American looking gowns and moccasins. Honors were awarded in a “Council Fire” at least that’s what I remember from the lyric from our procession as we sang,“ We come, we come to our council fire, with measure tread and slow, to light the fire of our desire, to light the fire of Wo-He-Lo. Wo-He-Lo, Wo He-Lo!

Though Wo-He-Lo was not a Native American word (it was an acronym for work, health, and love) there were other references to the culture.  The name of our day camp was Camp Suanga and I still have a picture of me holding up an Indian corn husk doll we made there.   I was oblivious to all these themes at the time, but have recently learned more of Native American culture.  I know they sometimes refer to having a spirit animal along with a profound connection to Mother Earth.

My spirit animal is definitely  a blue bird or song bird like the black capped chickadee.  I like to flit about and go all over the place.  So I really wasn’t surprised with my visceral reaction to my recent job interview, work expectations and tour of facility and resources.  Though a generous offer, validation of my profession and a stimulating opportunity, it was not a good fit for me, Little miss Erinbird.   

As I tried to understand the sinking feeling in my gut, the image of a little bird came to mind.  I felt like a canary going down into coal mine to work out the remainder of my days, with clipped wings, in a cage, with limited air and light.  This impressions came as I imagined running processing psychotherapy groups, doing multiple daily assessments, and sharing an office to complete my 3 hour a day worth of documentation.  I really would not be using recreational tasks involving music, art or movement. Space was restricted and resources sparse due to valid safety concerns.  This was the job and I would need to measure up to fit in and meet the established expectations.

Once I turned my attention to the other work opportunity, providing recreational therapy services to 2 separate locations, I started to feel lighter and brighter.   I realized it was an opportunity to make my own schedule and expectations as I set forth to present my proposal to administration.  Though it was uncomfortable and challenging to market myself and what I could potentially do for their organization, I really felt like the cage had been opened and it was time to take flight.  And I did. 

This has been my first week flitting about between campuses. I have been overwhelmed with feelings of gratitude for the wealth of space, resource and supportive work associates to put my plan into action.  My little bluebird heart is singing a happy song.