This morning I was thinking about my neglect of special friends and how we haven't hung out in a long time. I've been so caught up with the task of trying to figure out how to take care of myself that I haven't given them quality attention. I think they know I care about them, but my actions sure don't say that. I know with all living things, if we don't give them the attention they require, they wither and die- or at least they aren't as strong and vibrant. I suppose that's why I don't have plants to water anymore. How can I really "be there" for someone if I don't know what's going on? Giving quality attention to people takes time and sometimes I spend it attending to various tasks rather than nurturing life.
I think I first became aware of my tendency to place tasks over people during my college freshman year. My best friend was the best at hanging out with friends in their dorm rooms. People knew she loved and cared about them. She was there in their time of need. She was full of charity and formed close bonds with several people. I saw the value in making and keeping friends but my inner time clock was always ticking- I need to get going and do "my stuff". I can't just shoot the breeze- for hours. I guess it was the same with the mission. In some circles I was known as "the machine"- always working, working, working- not spending hours at member's homes eating and hanging out. I saw these activities as time wasters-after all I was on the Lord's errand to preach his gospel- and I needed to knock doors and give discussions- not socialize all the time. Near the end of my mission, one of the most beloved members told me how horrible my Spanish was. I suppose it was because I spent most of my time knocking doors and having superficial conversations instead of really connecting with the Spanish people through hanging out.
I have witnessed many examples of "people" people. My x-husband was a master at giving people quality attention. He had a way of drawing people in and forming close relationships when others felt like truly cared for on a deep personal level. His mother is the same way-she draws people in and holds them dear. If your not already family-she will make you "family." One of my most favorite people at work is a people person. Queen bee at the social game, she truly loves people and looks for ways to serve them. She knows how to "be there" for someone. She can talk your ear off but manages to get her work done. She has become a central figure in my work family as she promotes this "family"connection with everyone she comes in contact with. When I was an intern I remember judging my mentor spending a lot of time in queen bee's office socializing. I thought, "Wow, are we getting paid for this? " In my prior "squeeze every ounce of slave productivity"job, I probably would have been fired for sitting around talking about personal stuff. I think I've changed a bit through the years.
Though I've been aware of this task vs. people dilemma, I've focused on balancing the two. I'll invest the time and energy for a family gathering but after about 2-3 hours- I'm out. I'm usually the first one to leave with my "Got things to do,"excuse. Lately I haven't even given any excuses- I just leave. I see the value in both things-people and tasks. I juggle them rather than seeing them as one and the same. However, aren't people my main task? Relationships surely aren't just a means to an end-they are the end. If God's main work is to "bring to pass the immortality and eternal life" of man, then his all important task is "people" and His relationship with us. How he want us to "hang out" with him!
I don't think I've every thought of prayer being an opportunity to socialize or "hang out" with God. Since I don't believe I'm primarily connecting with the energy of the universe rather I am talking to a person- my Father; That is if I truly believe that Joseph Smith talked to God and His Son face to face as two personages...and I do. If I'm feeling a twinge of guilt for neglecting my relationship with friends, how should I feel about my "attention all over the place" prayers. One minute I'm thanking him for blessings, then my mind shifts to important tasks I need to get done, then it shifts to a phrase from a pop song, then back to asking God for what I need, then to a scene from a movie, then to something I forgot to do around the house, then to an image of a cute guy's face, etc. etc. It's crazy! I should probably guide my thoughts better by praying vocally instead of silently. I want to learn how to reign in these wild horses (aka-crazy thoughts). How embarrassed I would be at the "recording" of my thoughts during a silent prayer. If I talked like that to a friend, they would think I was on acid. How would it be possible to truly connect when my mind is elsewhere? Would we feel close? Would we understand each other? Would they think I even care? No, I care about my cares since my attention is all over the place. I need to "be there" for them-giving them my FULL attention. I feel if I do this with my relationship with God, not only will I feel like He is "there for me"- but I am actually THERE as opposed to my mind floating someone in space. Ideally I would like to feel like He is not only THERE for me, but He is HERE with me now as I approach every task. Instead of balancing task and people-it becomes the perfect fusion of the two. At least this is the idea behind the sacramental promise-that His spirit will be with us always. In that regard I want that Spirit to "hang out" with me always.
Friday, July 25, 2014
Friday, July 18, 2014
Organizational Control
This morning I was thinking about our new CEO and his efforts to control our organization as well as a conversation I had with our seasoned (32 yrs at my workplace) maintenance man. I like what they represent-future and past. The names and faces of my work family have changed so much during the past 5 years that it's left me feeling sad, insecure, and vulnerable. So I asked the "old timer" how he deals with all the change-for surely if I've been dealing with the effects of change in my short time at work, he has lived through much more significant changes to his workplace environment. His answer was short and simple- I just control what I can control. I do what I can do-I enjoy doing what I do- and I don't get caught up in all the turmoil. I appreciated the reminder for this simple, yet powerful strategy.
My definition of "control" has expanded this week to include the concept of "order". Usually I pride myself in being a gal who thrives in chaos. I'm an artist-I rationalize. I'm not an "anal" compulsive gal-my messes serve the greater good of creativity. I like blowing things apart to see the separate elements so I can synthesize basic building blocks to create something original. However, this week, I've seen the value of trying to be artistic through order, especially as I have used that past to create the future.
This week 4 tasks helped increase my sense of control. Each task was done as a personal favor and motivated by desire to help. Doing something for someone else seems to have more motivating power due to accountability as well as my love for that person.
First ordering task was reworking the existing group therapy matrix. I'm not a puzzle person (AT ALL) but I did it! It made me feel good when my clinical director printed it out and gave it to all the therapists to start using it next week. One of the best parts about the new schedule was plugging our art teacher/art therapist into the matrix. Not only does it benefit our students, but it helps his career and helps him utilize his credentials and expertise how HE wants. It made me feel good that I could help him out just by making a stupid color chart of scheduled group times.
2nd order task was revisiting my past to write a letter to a overwhelmed friend of a co-worker struggling with her circumstances and "no contact" order with her boyfriend. I looked through my old legal briefings and emotional rationale for my decision of cutting off contact with x-husband. I realized that I really should update my writings-since all sorts of stuff has happened in the past 4 years, but that task was too daunting. Still, I wanted to try to help this gal out by relating some of my past experiences. So I just used my original "emotional rationale" letter and wrote a brief introductory paragraph mentioning some of my significant paradigm shifts during the past 4 years. It made me feel good to use my past to try to help someone in the present.
3rd task was compiling ideas for one of my favorite therapists who is leaving and starting a new job. It was helpful and cathartic to review my past 4 years of challenge adventure outings, school field trips, and incentive activities as well as including resources and theory regarding experiential activities. This exercise helped clarify and organize my own thinking and provide more direction in my current and future work duties.
The final order task was cleaning out my hard-drive at work. This was motivated by my daughter and her request for idea resources as she starts her new job as a 4-6 grade Montessori teacher. It was a journey through my past work life-what I did, what I thought, and what I thought was important in terms of research and programming. I deleted about 3/4 of what I had and what was left was neatly placed in digital organizational folders. Just this simple act of organizing my past drive gives me direction for what I want to utilize and emphasize in my present and future work.
Through basic organization tasks, I've found joy in creating and helping others. When I think about organizing, I am dealing with remnants of the past. Even if it's just a bunch of old papers I have strewn across my desk, or putting things (clothes, dishes, books, trash, etc) away at home. The past can be utilized to empower the present. I did not think it was a coincidence this morning as I read Dieter's Uchdorf's words from a pioneer celebration who stated, " It is wise to prepare for the future by looking to the past. Lessons from the past can help us better mange the present and prepare for the future." That's what I'm trying to do- manage. Managers are usually good organizers. They have power and control. I want power and control, especially in uncertain times. I do want to control what I can control. So as I approach the "big organizational control meeting" later this morning with the CEO, I find myself feeling different than I did just a couple of days ago just because of some personal efforts to increase control through organization- a different spin on "organizational control."
Friday, July 11, 2014
Label Them Wonderful
This morning I was thinking about the way I communicate with my children- my intentions and what they sometimes take away from our conversations. During our family reunion my son told me how horrible I am at communicating about my children. Specifically, when I talk to others about my children, other people form impressions and sometimes treat my children according to their perceptions and judgments. They can feel it in the looks and words of their relatives. Net effect,sometimes my children don't think I THINK they are wonderful, especially when they receive feedback from the relatives. I agree with my children-this is horrible. This dis-empowers them. It is exactly what I DON'T want to do as a parent. I want them to be strengthened by their family, not weakened.
It is one of the reasons my 2nd marriage was a bust. I got tired of hearing about how "horrible" my children were and how "perfect" his children were. I can only take so much of that, after all, these are MY children-regardless of behaviors and I do not want to do things, or be with someone who drives them away-or who they do not feel comfortable being around. At the same time, I do not want to do things, like communicate, in a way that drives them away or that makes them not feel comfortable around me because of judgment or labeling them as "horrible" children. They are not horrible. They are WONDERFUL. I want them to FEEL wonderful. And with that FEELING, I want them to become even MORE wonderful as they align themselves with wonderful truths. Most children, and people in general, know where they need to change. I do NOT want them to feel they have to change in order for my to think they are wonderful. It's that parent approval thing. They know I love them but they also want me to be pleased with them. I sometimes get so caught up in trying to be honest that I see their lack and problems instead of their strengths.
Their father did a better job at instilling that "You're wonderful-You can do anything" attitude. Unfortunately because of their father's tendency to exaggerate and lie, they started to question all the flattering, ego building words of their father. I've tried to be truthful. But maybe too negative. It's kind of a bummer to realize that I've continued the same pattern as my own parents, but instead of being like my mother and convincing me I was a perfect angel, I have been more like my father who nothing was ever good enough to please him- I was just an airhead rah rah, screw up with no common sense. He was a "realist" not a pessimist, he would say. That's just messed up. Especially since "real" is surely subjective, at least it is in the minds of each of my children. "I think, therefore I am" So if they think, I don't think they are wonderful-then there's a problem, especially if THEY don't think they are wonderful-because if they don't think they are wonderful-how are they supposed to ACT wonderful? (That's a lot of "thinks") It can be done, but it's such an uphill battle. Why not empower them? Shouldn't I want to give them a leg up in this constant struggle between natural man vs.the spirit of God?
I do better at work. I'm actually known for being positive. I strongly adhere to a "strength based perspective" vs. the traditional problem oriented record based on diagnosis (or label.) I My son has referred to my place of employment as working at the "bad" boys school. I have even have clients who have labeled themselves as being "bad." Instinctually I correct them- No-they are not bad, their behaviors have been unsafe- but they are NOT their behaviors. They can change their behaviors. BUT it is much more difficult to change if they feel they cannot shake the label. One of the obstacles to full recovery for a child is their returning environment of established labels from relatives who have labeled them as "bad" kids. Though we cannot change anyone, we can change the way we TREAT them. Part of this service is changing the way we communicate with them and the way we communicate about them to others.
I love my kids. I LOVE my kids. I want to change. I want them each to really believe they are WONDERFUL. I know the more wonderful they feel, the more wonderful they will act. I want to validate them. I don't want them to swim upstream to feel my approval. I want them to feel it NOW. As I look for the good in their thoughts, feelings, behaviors and be more positive in my communication, I will being exercising faith in their power to become. It is an enlivened expectation of all the good works my children can accomplish-if they will. "If ye have faith, ye hope for things which are not seen, which are true." This I know, I want my children to feel their mother has labeled them each as "Wonderful" because it is true.
It is one of the reasons my 2nd marriage was a bust. I got tired of hearing about how "horrible" my children were and how "perfect" his children were. I can only take so much of that, after all, these are MY children-regardless of behaviors and I do not want to do things, or be with someone who drives them away-or who they do not feel comfortable being around. At the same time, I do not want to do things, like communicate, in a way that drives them away or that makes them not feel comfortable around me because of judgment or labeling them as "horrible" children. They are not horrible. They are WONDERFUL. I want them to FEEL wonderful. And with that FEELING, I want them to become even MORE wonderful as they align themselves with wonderful truths. Most children, and people in general, know where they need to change. I do NOT want them to feel they have to change in order for my to think they are wonderful. It's that parent approval thing. They know I love them but they also want me to be pleased with them. I sometimes get so caught up in trying to be honest that I see their lack and problems instead of their strengths.
Their father did a better job at instilling that "You're wonderful-You can do anything" attitude. Unfortunately because of their father's tendency to exaggerate and lie, they started to question all the flattering, ego building words of their father. I've tried to be truthful. But maybe too negative. It's kind of a bummer to realize that I've continued the same pattern as my own parents, but instead of being like my mother and convincing me I was a perfect angel, I have been more like my father who nothing was ever good enough to please him- I was just an airhead rah rah, screw up with no common sense. He was a "realist" not a pessimist, he would say. That's just messed up. Especially since "real" is surely subjective, at least it is in the minds of each of my children. "I think, therefore I am" So if they think, I don't think they are wonderful-then there's a problem, especially if THEY don't think they are wonderful-because if they don't think they are wonderful-how are they supposed to ACT wonderful? (That's a lot of "thinks") It can be done, but it's such an uphill battle. Why not empower them? Shouldn't I want to give them a leg up in this constant struggle between natural man vs.the spirit of God?
I do better at work. I'm actually known for being positive. I strongly adhere to a "strength based perspective" vs. the traditional problem oriented record based on diagnosis (or label.) I My son has referred to my place of employment as working at the "bad" boys school. I have even have clients who have labeled themselves as being "bad." Instinctually I correct them- No-they are not bad, their behaviors have been unsafe- but they are NOT their behaviors. They can change their behaviors. BUT it is much more difficult to change if they feel they cannot shake the label. One of the obstacles to full recovery for a child is their returning environment of established labels from relatives who have labeled them as "bad" kids. Though we cannot change anyone, we can change the way we TREAT them. Part of this service is changing the way we communicate with them and the way we communicate about them to others.
I love my kids. I LOVE my kids. I want to change. I want them each to really believe they are WONDERFUL. I know the more wonderful they feel, the more wonderful they will act. I want to validate them. I don't want them to swim upstream to feel my approval. I want them to feel it NOW. As I look for the good in their thoughts, feelings, behaviors and be more positive in my communication, I will being exercising faith in their power to become. It is an enlivened expectation of all the good works my children can accomplish-if they will. "If ye have faith, ye hope for things which are not seen, which are true." This I know, I want my children to feel their mother has labeled them each as "Wonderful" because it is true.
Wednesday, July 2, 2014
Freedom and Thunderbird Power
This morning I was thinking about the awe-inspiring Thunderbird airshow. I was deeply moved by their display of power. As the super cool music played, the MC announced each maneuver they would do-whether it was a "knife-edge" pass, flying in Delta Formation, or 360 loop- all was executed with perfect precision. It's inspiring to see what others choose to do as they take massive action on any given task. They exercise sound judgment based on specialized knowledge, discipline, and training. The airshow displayed the awesome power of the United States Armed Forces- specifically the Air Force. It was the absolute perfect way to ring in the 4th of July holiday and remember the powerful men and women who defend our freedom and our way of life.
Sometimes I think "freedom" allows me to do whatever I want to do. At least as I've thought about agency, I have considered it to be the the ability to choose between good and evil. To act and not be acted upon. Agency is my go-to comfort response regarding the results of my parenting. Though I have tried to teach my children the gospel of Jesus Christ, they still have their "agency" to choose to follow God's will. It's up to them to choose to keep the commandments or not. They can follow their own will. But I admit, I have tried to use FORCE to get them to do what I want them to do. At times I would have loved to force them to Choose the Right (CTR). I haven't had the arsenal of the US Air-force at my disposal, but I have had countless examples and yes, even pressure of righteous leaders and peers in a society that is predominately LDS (Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints). One of the hardest things about kids growing up in Utah, is some think in order to make their "own" choices, they have to do something different than what they've been taught. So the youth experiment and say, "You can't pressure or force me, you guys are a bunch of sheep. Look at me-I'm happy. You are close minded. I am enlightened. I am free. I believe in a Universe that doesn't tell me what to do. I'm can do what ever I want in the pursuit of happiness. " Yes, we can choose but we cannot choose the consequence. People argue about consequences of various choices but what I really want to consider is if my choices result in FREEDOM or BONDAGE.
Satan's plan was not to tempt us to do evil, rather to FORCE us to do what was right. He sought to destroy the agency of man which God could not permit. Even though Satan knows he can't destroy our agency, we can give it to him freely as we make choices contrary to God's laws. It's actually pretty easy to choose bondage over freedom. When we do not live up to every single covenant we make in the temple, we are in Satan's power. We rob ourselves of God's power and loose some of our freedom to act. This topic of agency as a power to choose what's right vs. the power to choose whatever I want has been on my mind lately after attending a fireside by Brother Russell Osguthrope. He stated,"God gave us agency so we could yield ourselves to Him, not so...we could succumb to temptation.”. Through obedience God empowers us to execute his will. He gives us additional POWER to ACT and more freedom to choose.
So all those CTR rings turning kids fingers green everywhere can help them power up.Think special forces. The green military shield can remind them of power through right choices.It's a shield of defense against Satan's power to limit MY agency. The 4th of July consequence I'm interested in is long term FREEDOM. Not a temporary rush or deluded sense of exercising free will. That needs to be my filter. Is this choice going to make me a more capable, powerful person to ACT? Or will it make me weak, reactionary and subject to someone else's power (or even my own carnal will). I want POWER that comes from specialized knowledge, discipline, and training. I want to execute choices with powerful precision to do God's maneuvers-to do His will. I do not want to crash and burn, rather I want to FREE like a bird- a awe-inspiring THUNDERBIRD.
Sometimes I think "freedom" allows me to do whatever I want to do. At least as I've thought about agency, I have considered it to be the the ability to choose between good and evil. To act and not be acted upon. Agency is my go-to comfort response regarding the results of my parenting. Though I have tried to teach my children the gospel of Jesus Christ, they still have their "agency" to choose to follow God's will. It's up to them to choose to keep the commandments or not. They can follow their own will. But I admit, I have tried to use FORCE to get them to do what I want them to do. At times I would have loved to force them to Choose the Right (CTR). I haven't had the arsenal of the US Air-force at my disposal, but I have had countless examples and yes, even pressure of righteous leaders and peers in a society that is predominately LDS (Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints). One of the hardest things about kids growing up in Utah, is some think in order to make their "own" choices, they have to do something different than what they've been taught. So the youth experiment and say, "You can't pressure or force me, you guys are a bunch of sheep. Look at me-I'm happy. You are close minded. I am enlightened. I am free. I believe in a Universe that doesn't tell me what to do. I'm can do what ever I want in the pursuit of happiness. " Yes, we can choose but we cannot choose the consequence. People argue about consequences of various choices but what I really want to consider is if my choices result in FREEDOM or BONDAGE.
Satan's plan was not to tempt us to do evil, rather to FORCE us to do what was right. He sought to destroy the agency of man which God could not permit. Even though Satan knows he can't destroy our agency, we can give it to him freely as we make choices contrary to God's laws. It's actually pretty easy to choose bondage over freedom. When we do not live up to every single covenant we make in the temple, we are in Satan's power. We rob ourselves of God's power and loose some of our freedom to act. This topic of agency as a power to choose what's right vs. the power to choose whatever I want has been on my mind lately after attending a fireside by Brother Russell Osguthrope. He stated,"God gave us agency so we could yield ourselves to Him, not so...we could succumb to temptation.”. Through obedience God empowers us to execute his will. He gives us additional POWER to ACT and more freedom to choose.
So all those CTR rings turning kids fingers green everywhere can help them power up.Think special forces. The green military shield can remind them of power through right choices.It's a shield of defense against Satan's power to limit MY agency. The 4th of July consequence I'm interested in is long term FREEDOM. Not a temporary rush or deluded sense of exercising free will. That needs to be my filter. Is this choice going to make me a more capable, powerful person to ACT? Or will it make me weak, reactionary and subject to someone else's power (or even my own carnal will). I want POWER that comes from specialized knowledge, discipline, and training. I want to execute choices with powerful precision to do God's maneuvers-to do His will. I do not want to crash and burn, rather I want to FREE like a bird- a awe-inspiring THUNDERBIRD.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)