Label Them Wonderful

This morning I was thinking about the way I communicate with my children- my intentions and what they sometimes take away from our conversations. During our family reunion my son told me how horrible I am at communicating about my children.  Specifically, when I talk to others about my children, other people form impressions and sometimes treat my children according to their perceptions and judgments.  They can feel it in the looks and words of their relatives.  Net effect,sometimes my children don't think I THINK they are wonderful, especially when they receive feedback from the relatives.  I agree with my children-this is horrible. This dis-empowers them.  It is exactly what I DON'T want to do as a parent.  I want them to be strengthened by their family, not weakened.

It is one of the reasons my 2nd marriage was a bust.  I got tired of hearing about how "horrible" my children were and how "perfect" his children were.  I can only take so much of that, after all, these are MY children-regardless of behaviors and I do not want to do things, or be with someone who drives them away-or who they do not feel comfortable being around.  At the same time, I do not want to do things, like communicate, in a way that drives them away or that makes them not feel comfortable around me because of judgment or labeling them as "horrible" children.  They are not horrible. They are WONDERFUL.  I want them to FEEL wonderful.  And with that FEELING, I want them to become even MORE wonderful as they align themselves with wonderful truths. Most children, and people in general, know where they need to change.  I do NOT want them to feel they have to change in order for my to think they are wonderful.  It's that parent approval thing.  They know I love them but they also want me to be pleased with them.  I sometimes get so caught up in trying to be honest that I see their lack and problems instead of their strengths.

Their father did a better job at instilling that "You're wonderful-You can do anything" attitude.  Unfortunately because of their father's tendency to exaggerate and lie, they started to question all the flattering, ego building words of their father. I've tried to be truthful.  But maybe too negative.  It's kind of a bummer to realize that I've continued the same pattern as my own parents, but instead of being like my mother and convincing me I was a perfect angel, I have been more like my father who nothing was ever good enough to please him- I was just an airhead rah rah, screw up with no common sense.  He was a "realist" not a pessimist, he would say. That's just messed up. Especially since "real" is surely subjective, at least it is in the minds of each of my children. "I think, therefore I am" So if they think, I don't think they are wonderful-then there's a problem, especially if THEY don't think they are wonderful-because if they don't think they are wonderful-how are they supposed to ACT wonderful? (That's a lot of "thinks") It can be done, but it's such an uphill battle.  Why not empower them?  Shouldn't I want to give them a leg up in this constant struggle between natural man vs.the spirit of God?

I do better at work.  I'm actually known for being positive. I strongly adhere to a "strength based perspective" vs. the traditional problem oriented record based on diagnosis (or label.)  I  My son has referred to my place of employment as working at the "bad" boys school.  I have even have clients who have labeled themselves as being "bad." Instinctually  I correct them- No-they are not bad, their behaviors have been unsafe- but they are NOT their behaviors.  They can change their behaviors.  BUT it is much more difficult to change if they feel they cannot shake the label.  One of the obstacles to full recovery for a child is their returning environment of established labels from relatives who have labeled them as "bad" kids.   Though we cannot change anyone, we can change the way we TREAT them.  Part of this service is changing the way we communicate with them and the way we communicate about them to others.

I love my kids.  I LOVE my kids.  I want to change.  I want them each to really believe they are WONDERFUL.  I know the more wonderful they feel, the more wonderful they will act.  I want to validate them.  I don't want them to swim upstream to feel my approval.  I want them to feel it NOW.  As I look for the good in their thoughts, feelings, behaviors and be more positive in my communication, I will being exercising faith in their power to become.  It is an enlivened expectation of all the good works my children can accomplish-if they will. "If ye have faith, ye hope for things which are not seen, which are true."  This I know, I want my children to feel their mother has labeled them each as "Wonderful" because it is true.