This morning I was thinking about cuddling and the emotional bonding associated with it. Yesterday I was struck by a comment while assessing a 8 year old boy prone to violent mood swings. Our whole interview was like a violent mood swing; one moment I felt if I accidentally touched him he would physically attack me and the next minute he was describing his relationship with his parents by his love of cuddling with them. I've done a lot of assessments and I have never heard a child respond to family history question using that particular word-"cuddling". In some ways his response didn't fit his defensive, explosive style, yet at the same time, it made perfect sense; some of the most unsafe people are the ones with the highest need for emotional safety. Or as a therapist put it, "Hurt people hurt people."
I was also thinking about this cuddling connection as I awoke to my "Charlie and the Chocolate Factory" bed full of children. My son, visiting from college, came in last night complaining of having nowhere to sleep. Even though my daughter has been sleeping in my bed, I told him there was plenty of room for all of us. I remember early times in my family when every single one of my children crowded into our full size bed like kittens snuggled up in a litter. Those were the good days.
Early this morning as my son raised his hand in the air to signal, I knew he meant- "Cuddle Me!" While gathering him in my arms, I couldn't help but think of this great connection we've had every since those glorious days of taking afternoon naps together. Cole, my caboose, was my baby I had time to enjoy-and I did. While cuddling, I remember a feeling of mother love washing over me so deeply -it actually hurt inside. How I loved my boy! Though I have not been a good parent in a million ways, my x-husband and I have a fabulous cuddle connection with each of our children. Whenever they have felt anxious, or whenever we have felt anxious, it was as if cuddling could "make it all better." The world is a cold, dark, scary place at times. It's easy to feel alone, to face it alone, or have the emotional strength to tackle daily challenges. Cuddling provides love, peace, safety, comfort, assurance, acceptance, warmth and a bunch of other good feelings I can't describe too well. It's saying we know, love and accept someone and they know, love and accept us in return. Our hearts are completely 100% safe with them. Cuddling is a symbol for the emotional bond existing in relationships.
I've had this "cuddle connection" with very few people in my life-my children and my first husband-that's it. I didn't even cuddle with my own parents, but we had a great relationship. The deep feelings accompanying cuddling don't just magically appear with someone we don't really know. It's intimate and personal. Cuddling is all about being close. For me, cuddling is a litmus test measuring the strength of my emotional bond and intimacy with another human being. It was the tell-tale sign that my latest marriage was not working. I did not enjoy cuddling with him. I don't know if it was because he was such an anxious person that I never felt safe or comfortable, or if our connection wasn't deep enough because it was too new. Whatever it was-our cuddling just lacked weight. Like a heavy comforter, being weighted down not only provides warmth but a sense of security.
I also know that cuddling can't solve all the problems in the world. Though it was a touch stone in my first marriage, it could not save the day. I vividly remember the last time I cuddled with my first husband. We were in a cold (I'm always cold), sparsely decorated room with a light blanket on a black iron bed (no heavy comforter) in Panama. I felt like I was in a jail cell. Though it was him and it was me, our cuddling could not manufacture the safety we both were seeking. Not long after our parting he was extradited from Panama and thrown in jail. No more cuddling for us. For safety and other reasons, I severed the connection. However, this separation could not erase the bond we forged through 23 years of cuddling. I remember how it felt.
One part is certain, we can't stay connected 24/7. Separation is bound to come for all of us. We have to get out of bed or off the couch. We have to live our life. Even as my son pulls me back in bed saying, "Don't leave me." I have to. So he pleads, "give me a hug" and I do. Hugs are to cuddling as kisses are to sex. There's a couplet for you. Hugs are GREAT! I like being a touchy person. I try to respect personal space and boundaries but I push it-because I can. I give "side hugs" all the time at our residential treatment center. It is part of my therapeutic relationship with each of my clients. The touch says, "I care."
I receive hugs often from a loving Heavenly Father through his gentle touch as he shows he cares. I love how the Holy Ghost is referred to as "the comforter." I have felt this warm spirit deeply throughout my life. At times the Spirit's influence has been like a weighted blanket providing the security, peace, love, assurance, and acceptance I so desperately seek. Like the little boy, I too have my own erratic mood swings; if there's such a thing as spiritual cuddling with my Heavenly parents-then I'm all in.
No comments:
Post a Comment