This morning I was thinking about dressing up. As Halloween approaches ever year, the big question is "What are you going to be for Halloween?" I remember feeling a little stressed because I usually had no idea, was working with limited resources, and many times had to outfit a whole family. The stress continued with the follow up question, "Now-what are you suppose to be again?" I had this question yesterday from students as I showed up to work with my face painted green, dressed in black, with spiders in my hair. My responses ranged from, "Whatever you want me to be" to "Black Widow Witch-because I devour men and destroy their lives." One girl looked at me and said, "That doesn't make sense" to which I replied, "Well, I don't make sense either!"
Sometimes the amount of stress and how long it takes me to get dressed in the morning is a barometer for my own mental health. I sometimes feel overwhelmed, insecure and become extremely indecisive, evidenced by trying clothes on and off and leaving them strewn about the bedroom. I have this same level of indecision when shopping. However when it fits, and screams"this is me," I buy it.
When putting together my "look" I consider how I feel-or how I want to feel, what I might be doing that day, and perhaps the weather. I guess I also decide what "character" I'm going to be. Do I want to look like a professional, a trophy wife, a bohemian, an athlete, a camper, a general authority, a housewife, a hooker, slob, a millionaire, a bag lady, a granola chick, my classy sister, etc, etc. It's a grab bag of expression-you never quite know what you're gonna get with Erin. Sometimes my family has tried to pin down my look. I remember my mom buying me the most ridiculous barrette covered in bright colored miniature balloons and ribbon and stating, "I saw this and thought-this is Erin." Wow mom-thanks. I also have my fashion police sister inside my head at all times. I can't tell you how many times she rolled her eyes and asked, "You're not really going to wear that are you? You look ridiculous. You look like a hooker. You look like a clown. (Maybe that balloon thing really did match me.) I try to emulate her classy look, it's one of my character choices.
The other day I tried to put a work outfit together suitable for painting with my students. I decided on a blouse I previously ruined while cleaning the BBQ. I put on a previously semi-ruined paint splattered jean skirt. I threw my hair in a pony tail because I didn't feel like washing it. Then I had to try to make my outfit "work acceptable" so I had to think of some big distractions so people wouldn't notice my greasy sleeve cuffs or my small paint spots. I opted for some bright red lipstick, a bright turquoise necklace and a lovely scarf for my pony tail. When satisfied with my look, the voice of my sister came to me telling me how ridiculous I looked. I'm pretty use to this voice of fashion criticism, and retorted,"Hey- every day is Halloween so I'm going to celebrate!" Later that morning I shared that sentiment while doing an assessment. The patient related how she hated when holidays dictated actions that could only be done on that day. She thought she should be able to act a certain way whenever she wanted, not when someone told her to. It went along with her defiance when responding to parental requests. So I guess there's that too-the freedom of personal expression. I suppose that's why my mom never stopped me when I literally went out the front door wearing my clothes inside out and backwards, which I confess I still unknowingly do at times. My mom later explained, "I just let Erin, be Erin."
Who is to say what "Erin" is. I don't even know. And at times I don't even know what I want to be. But I have ideas. And thankfully, I don't have to rely on "Pintrest" but can turn to the scriptures and latter day examples of characters to emulate. I know it's all about the creation of character-the building of character. I know how I want to feel. I know I want to be more like my Father in heaven. I want to be clothed in glory, immortality and eternal lives. I can symbolically dress-up everyday and instead of dressing for pretense, I can be dressing up for real.
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