This morning I was thinking about judgment calls I made this week-some not too wise. My heart was already feeling a little anxious, which made decision making even more difficult. I don't even know why I've been so insecure lately. One of my fickle and unfaithful partners in Recreation Therapy is the weather. Weather is an emotional beast-we never quite know what SHE is going to do. Yet the x-country ski trip was on the sacred calendar, so I thought we needed to at least try to follow through with the plan to find some snow for experimentation with skis. I tried to involve the students in the problem solving process, which only added to the emotional influence of the decision. End result? My intern summed it up pretty well as he called us wild land fire fighters dealing with brush fires-one melt down after another as the children struggled for success in icy conditions. And so it goes. It was just a little too challenging and I should have known better. Should have made a better judgment call...and I did with the girls trip. We didn't go. Instead we had a great after school leadership hike at Red ledges-taking advantage of our spring like conditions. Live and learn.
One thing we learn in DBT (Dialectical Behavioral Therapy) is some mindfulness skills. We practice focusing on one thing, not judging, and doing what works. It's that judgment thing that tends to send us right over to our emotional brain. One goal for DBT is trying to make decisions using the "wise mind". This "place" is somewhere in between the rational and the emotional mind. In Gordon Bruin's two brain theory, the limbic system (emotional brain) and the prefrontal cortex (thinking brain) can't go to war against each other because the animal or survival brain is stronger and will win. It's this middle ground where peace is found- a place of increased understanding, communication and connection between these aspects of our dual nature. This place that allows our pre-frontal to influence and gently guide our limbic system. I know in Freud's psyche construct, the super-ego, ego, and the id- we try to make rational decisions with the ego and not let the super judgy super-ego rule the day. Judgment seems to bring out those perfectionist tendencies that drive so much anxiety. Yet judgment and using it is vital in making decisions when trying to distinguish between truth and error, between right and wrong. I'm going to have to make judgment calls for the rest of my life, so I better get good at it or at least ask for greater wisdom.
If I could ask for one genie wish, would I ask for wisdom? Probably not; but Solomon did. What preceded Solomon's petition for wisdom from the Lord was the realization Israel needed someone to sit in judgment. His father brought Israel together once more, but to keep it united would require wise judgment. "And God said to Solomon, Because this was in thine heart, and thou hast not asked riches, wealth, or honour, nor the life of thine enemies, neither yet hast asked long life; but hast asked wisdom and knowledge for thyself, that thou mayest judge my people, over whom I have made thee king: Wisdom and knowledge is granted unto thee; and I will give thee riches, and wealth, and honour, such as none of the kings have had that have been before thee, neither shall there any after thee have the like." (2 Chronicles 1:11, 12)
I think it is safe to say that I have plenty of waring voices inside me that need unification. I too need to sit in judgment. I need to make wise decisions. I want to be the King of Me-not be controlled and subjugated by the will of my unruly parts and passions, or unstable weather moods. I need wisdom. I want wisdom to help me make better judgement calls. I think Jacob says it best, "Oh be wise; what can I say more?
Sunday, February 22, 2015
Saturday, February 14, 2015
Hearts and Flowers
This morning I was thinking of hearts and flowers. Not of the traditional, it's Valentines so I will give you a heart full of candy and beautiful bouquet of roses, but of passionate loving people and their beautiful contributions. You know they were there just because of what they left behind-and you don't quite have the heart to get rid of the flowers-everyone is still enjoying them. It's these very personal touches that grab our attention like a pretty little flower-that's not really "needed" but so appreciated. Every morning as I go through the glass doors to work, I'm still greeted by the hand-painted flowers left there by an artist therapist. She's been gone for quite some time and we've had a complete remodel of our facility-but the custodian continues to carefully clean around them and nobody seems to mind. I think we all agree, they add a personal touch to a lock down facility.
This week at work, when trying to make sense of the departure of our Queen Bee administrator, I compared her contributions to these painted flowers. Nobody is going to be quick to eradicate her passionate contributions. She has been the very HEART of our Early Adolescent Program. She was one of the original creators and continued to shape it through her 14 or so years with it. Signs of her life are everywhere and just because she will no longer be working on our campus, her presence will continue to be felt and appreciated, just like those painted flowers. In my mind, I called her queen bee, cause she really did call the shots in our program. An accomplished athlete by nature, I could picture her leading her softball and basketball teams to victory. I could sense she was a hot head, but that was part of her passion. Through out her life, I knew she also turned that passion into an intense caring about the welfare of others. I was often overwhelmed at her acts of personal sacrifice to help a friend or family member in need-above and beyond what a "normal" person would do. She is dedicated to people. Though flawed, like we all are, I could always tell she loved and cared about the students-deeply. She gave her all and I'm sure she will continue to make heartfelt, beautiful contributions in her new situation.
This week I've also been listening to Alan Menken's obscure "King David" soundtrack in the car. It was my way to punctuate my current studies in the Old Testament and I guess I'm not quite ready to move on just yet. David continues to inspire me- I just LOVE him. Though flawed, I so appreciate his passion and his beautiful contributions. While driving to work, I burst into tears while listening to a powerful song from this musical. I guess what got to me was hearing the character of David sing about his desire to be forgiven and the peace he felt. Then the song shifted to the character of young Solomon (like a Vienna boys choir voice) singing:
I am the blood of Abraham
The seed of an immortal line
Whose life was given to his God
Whose promise to his God is mine
And to this new Jerusalem
Our fathers come at last
The sons of Jacob live again
The glories of our sacred past
(full choir)
Jerusalem, Jerusalem
Though palaces may rise
Within your walls,
Your dust, your stones
Are prize enough
For these contended
Eyes
I guess I cried because I could not only relate to these lyrics, but I lay claim to them as well-they are mine. I also feel that way about so many of the beautiful psalms that David wrote. As a musician and poet, we have an intimate view of what was going on in David's heart and mind. They were written with such passion. I can feel his heart. I want to have a heart like that. Most of the successive kings were compared to David- "his heart was not perfect with the Lord his God, as the heart of David his father" (1Kings 11:4). Who doesn't want "clean hands and a pure heart?" But I think the more important question is the one posed in the previous verse, "Who shall ascend into the hill of the Lord? or who shall stand in his holy place? He that hath clean hands and a pure heart, who hath not lifted his soul unto vanity, nor sworn deceitfully." (Psalm 24:4). It kind of puts things into perspective on this fine valentines day. Makes me want to have a heart like David. Makes me want to go to the temple to worship and sacrifice. Makes me want to make passionate, beautiful contributions of hearts and flowers.
This week at work, when trying to make sense of the departure of our Queen Bee administrator, I compared her contributions to these painted flowers. Nobody is going to be quick to eradicate her passionate contributions. She has been the very HEART of our Early Adolescent Program. She was one of the original creators and continued to shape it through her 14 or so years with it. Signs of her life are everywhere and just because she will no longer be working on our campus, her presence will continue to be felt and appreciated, just like those painted flowers. In my mind, I called her queen bee, cause she really did call the shots in our program. An accomplished athlete by nature, I could picture her leading her softball and basketball teams to victory. I could sense she was a hot head, but that was part of her passion. Through out her life, I knew she also turned that passion into an intense caring about the welfare of others. I was often overwhelmed at her acts of personal sacrifice to help a friend or family member in need-above and beyond what a "normal" person would do. She is dedicated to people. Though flawed, like we all are, I could always tell she loved and cared about the students-deeply. She gave her all and I'm sure she will continue to make heartfelt, beautiful contributions in her new situation.
This week I've also been listening to Alan Menken's obscure "King David" soundtrack in the car. It was my way to punctuate my current studies in the Old Testament and I guess I'm not quite ready to move on just yet. David continues to inspire me- I just LOVE him. Though flawed, I so appreciate his passion and his beautiful contributions. While driving to work, I burst into tears while listening to a powerful song from this musical. I guess what got to me was hearing the character of David sing about his desire to be forgiven and the peace he felt. Then the song shifted to the character of young Solomon (like a Vienna boys choir voice) singing:
I am the blood of Abraham
The seed of an immortal line
Whose life was given to his God
Whose promise to his God is mine
And to this new Jerusalem
Our fathers come at last
The sons of Jacob live again
The glories of our sacred past
(full choir)
Jerusalem, Jerusalem
Though palaces may rise
Within your walls,
Your dust, your stones
Are prize enough
For these contended
Eyes
I guess I cried because I could not only relate to these lyrics, but I lay claim to them as well-they are mine. I also feel that way about so many of the beautiful psalms that David wrote. As a musician and poet, we have an intimate view of what was going on in David's heart and mind. They were written with such passion. I can feel his heart. I want to have a heart like that. Most of the successive kings were compared to David- "his heart was not perfect with the Lord his God, as the heart of David his father" (1Kings 11:4). Who doesn't want "clean hands and a pure heart?" But I think the more important question is the one posed in the previous verse, "Who shall ascend into the hill of the Lord? or who shall stand in his holy place? He that hath clean hands and a pure heart, who hath not lifted his soul unto vanity, nor sworn deceitfully." (Psalm 24:4). It kind of puts things into perspective on this fine valentines day. Makes me want to have a heart like David. Makes me want to go to the temple to worship and sacrifice. Makes me want to make passionate, beautiful contributions of hearts and flowers.
Saturday, February 7, 2015
Red High Heels/ Being Grounded
This morning I was thinking about my red satin high heels and the relief I felt after kicking them off last night. I'm good in these puppies for about an hour, or less. Not that I need high heels mind you. Measuring almost 6.0' without them, I literally tower over everyone. It's fun. I use to be self-conscious about my height, but no more. My first boyfriend absolutely forbade me from wearing anything but flats. I guess everyone has a little bit of short man's syndrome. We all seek to elevate ourselves in some fashion or another. Even at 51, I'm still measuring myself against others- feeling less than or superior. Sometimes standing above, sometimes standing below. Competition and comparing myself to others comes naturally and I continue to struggle with the sin of pride.
Last night I attended a "heel worthy event" sponsored by our stake leaders to serve the older single adults. It was a formal dinner with good food, long stem roses, heartfelt entertainment and lovely company. I say lovely because 90% of the attendees were devoted single sisters in their advanced years. I appreciated seeing our prominent leaders wearing aprons as they served each guest personally, many times physically lowering themselves to greet us-trying to make us comfortable and welcome. It wasn't quite like the Savior washing the feet of his apostles, but it was a physical reminder of debasing oneself to serve and being willing to do menial tasks. Leaders really are servants of all, not just some men and women speaking to the masses from their high pulpits telling us how to achieve greatness. Our stake president printed out an attractive booklets with speeches on love and placed them as decorations for each table. His public remarks were brief as he touched on the concept of love and gave sincere compliments to the singles expressing gratitude for their lives and influence. The whole event was meant to be a gesture of love, or at least that's how I took it.
I suppose that's the whole idea behind another invitation to "heel worthy event" I received in the mail this week from HR. At first, as I read the invitation, I felt a surge of pride thinking it might be an exclusive event honoring "employee of the month" people as they acknowledged accomplishments and work contributions. My first thought was-what to wear? After all, in an event like "this" I want to look good-or at least look the part. I was embarrassed with how deflated I felt when I got to work and looked at the calendar and realized that the planned celebration at the hotel was for everyone-it is to honor everyone and show appreciation. Why did I want to be singled out? Why do other people's accomplishments diminish my own? Shouldn't I just be happy, and like the invitation states, "Celebrate"?
It reminded me of a question I received after delivering my lecture as guest speaker at a university positive psychology class this week. I can't remember exactly how he phrased it, but the gist was how he could feel good in a social media age when everyone was always bombarding him with all their accomplishments and his tendency to compare it with what he was doing with his free time. My response was immediate and I yammered on, rehearsing some of the concepts I had previously discussed in autonomy, mindfulness, and flow. I pulled out my cell phone and noted our natural impulse to immediately respond to each message- each distractions and how these can pull us away from our present focus. Our feelings are connected to what we choose to ignore or deal with in the moment. Comparing ourselves with others and judging is a choice-and can be a distraction pulling us away from our focus. This judgement switches us over to our emotional brain, to deal with the painful feelings of inadequacy. It just helps to focus on what we can truly control-which is this moment NOW. I could live my whole life referring to the pain of my past or the uncertainties of my future, or even comparing myself with my 51 year old cohorts in the present and find all sorts of reasons to feel crummy. But if I focus on what I can control, what I choose to focus on each moment-I can find all sorts of reasons to feel good. My heart is beating, I am breathing, I am alive-right here-right now...Life is good.
What I didn't say, and what I think is key in dealing with pride and the elevation or debasing of self, is LOVE. Martin Luther King put it this way, "Hate cannot drive out hate: only love can do that." According to Ezra Taft Benson, "The central feature of pride is enmity—enmity toward God and enmity toward our fellowmen. Enmity means “hatred toward, hostility to, or a state of opposition."
As I continue to compare and compete, the phrase that continues to help me is "God loves (blank)just as much as he does me. And he wants (blank) to have every blessing I have(and visa-versa) I just don't see how I can go wrong if I focus on love. As I glance across the room and see my red satin high heels strewn across the floor, they tell me to get off my high horse and put my bare feet on the floor (or better yet, kneel) being grounded in the present with LOVE .
Last night I attended a "heel worthy event" sponsored by our stake leaders to serve the older single adults. It was a formal dinner with good food, long stem roses, heartfelt entertainment and lovely company. I say lovely because 90% of the attendees were devoted single sisters in their advanced years. I appreciated seeing our prominent leaders wearing aprons as they served each guest personally, many times physically lowering themselves to greet us-trying to make us comfortable and welcome. It wasn't quite like the Savior washing the feet of his apostles, but it was a physical reminder of debasing oneself to serve and being willing to do menial tasks. Leaders really are servants of all, not just some men and women speaking to the masses from their high pulpits telling us how to achieve greatness. Our stake president printed out an attractive booklets with speeches on love and placed them as decorations for each table. His public remarks were brief as he touched on the concept of love and gave sincere compliments to the singles expressing gratitude for their lives and influence. The whole event was meant to be a gesture of love, or at least that's how I took it.
I suppose that's the whole idea behind another invitation to "heel worthy event" I received in the mail this week from HR. At first, as I read the invitation, I felt a surge of pride thinking it might be an exclusive event honoring "employee of the month" people as they acknowledged accomplishments and work contributions. My first thought was-what to wear? After all, in an event like "this" I want to look good-or at least look the part. I was embarrassed with how deflated I felt when I got to work and looked at the calendar and realized that the planned celebration at the hotel was for everyone-it is to honor everyone and show appreciation. Why did I want to be singled out? Why do other people's accomplishments diminish my own? Shouldn't I just be happy, and like the invitation states, "Celebrate"?
It reminded me of a question I received after delivering my lecture as guest speaker at a university positive psychology class this week. I can't remember exactly how he phrased it, but the gist was how he could feel good in a social media age when everyone was always bombarding him with all their accomplishments and his tendency to compare it with what he was doing with his free time. My response was immediate and I yammered on, rehearsing some of the concepts I had previously discussed in autonomy, mindfulness, and flow. I pulled out my cell phone and noted our natural impulse to immediately respond to each message- each distractions and how these can pull us away from our present focus. Our feelings are connected to what we choose to ignore or deal with in the moment. Comparing ourselves with others and judging is a choice-and can be a distraction pulling us away from our focus. This judgement switches us over to our emotional brain, to deal with the painful feelings of inadequacy. It just helps to focus on what we can truly control-which is this moment NOW. I could live my whole life referring to the pain of my past or the uncertainties of my future, or even comparing myself with my 51 year old cohorts in the present and find all sorts of reasons to feel crummy. But if I focus on what I can control, what I choose to focus on each moment-I can find all sorts of reasons to feel good. My heart is beating, I am breathing, I am alive-right here-right now...Life is good.
What I didn't say, and what I think is key in dealing with pride and the elevation or debasing of self, is LOVE. Martin Luther King put it this way, "Hate cannot drive out hate: only love can do that." According to Ezra Taft Benson, "The central feature of pride is enmity—enmity toward God and enmity toward our fellowmen. Enmity means “hatred toward, hostility to, or a state of opposition."
As I continue to compare and compete, the phrase that continues to help me is "God loves (blank)just as much as he does me. And he wants (blank) to have every blessing I have(and visa-versa) I just don't see how I can go wrong if I focus on love. As I glance across the room and see my red satin high heels strewn across the floor, they tell me to get off my high horse and put my bare feet on the floor (or better yet, kneel) being grounded in the present with LOVE .
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