Gentle Rain of Judgements

This morning I was thinking about gentle rain of judgements. That was the topic during our latest recreational fun run in the rain last Friday.  Trying to make use of the inconvenient rain on our beautiful river trail, I had students make rain gear out of garbage bags and posed 3 questions:  What are some uncomfortable judgmental thoughts raining down on you?  What do you do to protect yourself against harsh judgments of self and others? How do you release unhelpful thoughts to make forward progress? The students kept moving forward while walking, jogging, or running and we got some of the most lushest, greenest pictures I have ever seen.  At the end I had them throw sticks in the river to represent the constant movement of our minds and the ability to let go of unhelpful thoughts.  I started our group focus by relating my recent experience dealing with my own harsh judgments while re-certifying as a lifeguard.  After my final swim skills test, in rapid fire fashion I thought, "I don't deserve to be called a lifeguard.  I'm too old and weak. I don't belong here.  I don't deserve to have my current job as a Recreation Therapist working with youth.  I don't belong there.  I don't deserve to even have a job.  I don't even know how to take care of my self or my family. I'm just one big fat failure."  The downward spiral of negative thoughts suck me down so quickly, it's no wonder I burst into tears.  I tried to keep my own little "down pour" quiet and unseen.

I was required to retake the lifeguard class because I let my certification expire.  Since it is one of the certifications I need to keep my "Mary Poppins' gig,  I spent Monday-Thursday taking the all day lifeguard class with a bunch of teenagers, return missionaries and college swim team members.  To say I felt out of place would be a understatement.  Though I passed the initial swim skills evaluation,  on the final day, the teacher threw me a tube while assisting with spinal back boarding since I'm "not a very strong swimmer."  Then she yelled at me for being a horrible "passive victim" that had "robbed" my fellow class participant of experiencing the full weight of an unconscious victim.  Later while fumbling through the most difficult rescue-the deep water passive submerged victim, the teacher asked me to do it again.  I just get so nervous when diving down deep (for me) and run out of air so quickly that I struggle with my coordination under pressure.  I can't seem to find and pull the string on the rescue tube quickly enough to shove it between me and the victim while re-surfacing. My strength started to fail while trying to jump out of the higher than normal pool ledge, grab the spinal board, plunge it down close to the wall and get the victim out of the water.  I was also chided with corrective feedback while submerging the board with the net effect of multiplying my doubts regarding my abilities and deeming myself as a stupid and not having any common sense. While improving some aspects of the total swim skill, I volunteered to do the deep water rescue again-now a totaling 3 times to at least show I was willing to keep trying. I was tired. I was having spasms and cramps in my calves and toes.

 Now it was time for the final test.  As I sat with a bunch of kids who were nervous about it, (swim team people nervous-that's just ridiculous) I assured myself how the teachers are very supportive-they want you to succeed-they help you succeed.  I've done this before-they are super forgiving. I was pretty calm anticipating the test. Through procrastination or courtesy, I ended up being the last one tested with most everyone watching.  Of course it would be the hardest skill but "I can do hard things- right?" I snatched the victim, kind of shoved the tube between us, swam to the side with girl in tow while breathing hard, used my weakling arms to climb over the edge, got the board, pulled her out and started on my primary assessment, now on the manikin.  This is the part I'm usually pretty confident about.  However my lack of coordination under pressure was apparent to everyone;  I struggled to find my rescue mask (everyone's red box was strewn across the pool deck)and put on my gloves (my hands trembled while trying to fit the gloves over my wet hands. ) Clearly, with all this fiddling around, the victim would have been dead by the time I got around to doing the CPR.  On top of that I put the mask on upside down while rescue breathing and was slipping all over the victim while doing compressions.  It was a joke.  Then I went over to the shallow pool for the spinal victim and did the wrong skill while trying to prevent running into the wall with a head splint technique.  I repeated it as my victim faced the opposite way and according to the instructor, passed the skills test.  It was at this moment that I had my spiraling series of negative judgements and tears. In my lame defense, I did get 100% on one of the written tests.  I don't think my instructors would pick me to lifeguard a crowded wave pool this summer at Seven Peaks, but at least they thought I deserved to update my certification and continue to supervise my handful of students (usually with life preservers on)when playing in or near water.While leaving, I thanked my instructors for all their service and for being so "gentle with me."

Why do we get so worked up with the word "test"?  Why do we freak out when facing required judgments?  Why do we think those who sit in judgement are so willing to fail us and literally dam our progress?  Why do we think they are going to be more like God flooding the earth rather than gentle Jesus, God of the Old Testament, being baptized in the still waters of Jordan?  This I know; we have been sent here from our heavenly home to be tested.  "And we will prove them herewith, to see if they will do all things whatsoever the Lord their God shall command them;...and they who keep their second estate shall have glory added upon their heads for ever and ever."  (Abraham 3: 25-26)

I know that we will all stand before the "pleasing bar of God" to be judged according to our works in this "testing" state of earth life.  I know that none of us "deserves" eternal life, no matter how skilled we may be at doing God's will.  I am so grateful for a Jesus, gentle judge, whose perfect justice and mercy will not damn me forever or "leave my soul in hell" or even slap a failing grade telling me how stupid I am.  I may not be symbolically guarding the Heavenly wave pool, but there is a place for me, people to love, and opportunities to serve.  I trust in his judgment.  I trust him.  I know those who have passed on and living in the spirit world, even all God's precious children drowned in the flood, are given opportunities to progress, accept ordinances and live gospel principles.  How gentle is the rain that falls from His skies.