Looking Forward

This morning I was thinking about looking forward and moving in that direction.  While playing up at Deer Creek Saturday I had a chance to jump on a paddle board and explore.  Earlier in the week I rented a couple of paddle boards for my students and told them it was like hiking on the water.  It seemed like it was only 20 minutes later when they lost the  paddle, feared it had sunk to the bottom of the lake and now could only use the board as a floating toy in the water rather than a means of travel. I mean, how hard is it! So I approached the paddle board Saturday with a bit of resentment (thinking of the $35 replacement paddle fee) and the desire to demonstrate just how easy this hiking on water thing really was.  I was confident as I quickly paddled out past the buoys and looked at the horizon.  Not wanting to go too far  I turned around and started to make my way back to shore. It was at this point I realized I might have been a too hasty in my enthusiasm to prove a point.  The winds started blowing my board around, the waves started testing my balance and all of a sudden, a thought popped into my head, "I think I'm might fall."  I started to doubt myself and my abilities. I giggled as I lost footing and fell in the water.  I felt a little embarrassed since I was sure the singles group saw my blunder.  It was time to figure out how to get back on the board and stand up-all that downward dog and crescent pose came in handy.  However, I continued to fail my tests of strength and balance-one time landing on a sharp rock.  Not wanting to be beat by a stupid paddle board, I kept trying, even if my legs were a little shaky.  I found it was much easier if I kept my focus on the shoreline instead of looking down at my board.   If I started to turn my head to the side or look back-I was toast.

Looking back and getting burnt reminded me of a great speech I listened to this week by Jeffrey Holland entitled, "Remember Lot's wife:  Faith is for the future." It was suggested reading in studying addiction recovery.   A couple of phrases from the speech really struck me and helped me realize that I too, like Lot's wife sometimes lack sufficient faith in the Lord's promises which ultimately affect my forward progress. My doubt is evidenced by self-defeating statements such as "I don't think I will ever find someone I like as much as I liked my first husband-so why even try?"  I look back and long for the bond we had as a married couple, at the experiences of raising our children and at the depth of our mutual understanding with one another.  I not only doubt the possibility of finding "love" again but think it's nearly impossible at this stage in the game. I can't rewind the clock.  Sometimes I don't even know what to dream about when it comes to making up my own romantic comedy.  It's just a blank screen.  I think I have finally arrived at a place of understanding the comments of a wise friend who questioned me and my desire to attend singles activities when she asked, "Why would you want to do that Erin?" She then proceeded to tell me of her experiences and conclusion that though the people in the LDS singles circuit were "great" she just didn't like anyone enough to get married again and would rather put her time and energy into her own children and grandchildren.  I left her house feeling a bit stupid;  Then I proceeded to be stupid as I did my own "singles experiment" resulting in a 1 year marriage and subsequent divorce to a nice fellow I didn't like "enough"- Definitely not enough to be sealed to him for time and all eternity. I do believe in the Lord's promises in regards to temple covenants, at least that's what I tell myself.

  President Holland's words were a much needed rebuke.  He stated, "So it isn’t just that she looked back; she looked back longingly. In short, her attachment to the past outweighed her confidence in the future...The past is to be learned from but not lived in. We look back to claim the embers from glowing experiences but not the ashes. And when we have learned what we need to learn and have brought with us the best that we have experienced, then we look ahead, we remember that faith is always pointed toward the future. Faith always has to do with blessings and truths and events that will yet be efficacious in our lives. So a more theological way to talk about Lot’s wife is to say that she did not have faith. She doubted the Lord’s ability to give her something better than she already had. Apparently she thought—fatally, as it turned out—that nothing that lay ahead could possibly be as good as those moments she was leaving behind."

I have to move forward with faith-not just in my love life, but in life general.  I have to raise my line of sight to the shore and move in that direction. It's high time to come up with my master picture statement, make realistic goals in each area of my life, take action and report my progress each day.  I don't want to be pushed around by the winds and the waves and "dash my foot against a stone." I can't keep looking down at my awkward attempts at balancing, doubting self, and giggling when I mess up.  And I sure as heck can't loose my paddle and just use my board as a toy and say, "What the heck-let's just play."  I want to paddle in a specific direction until I reaching the shore-that's faith.

Approaching Pioneer Day (July 24), It's fitting that I look at the faith of some of my ancestors that crossed the plains. They reached their shore-the Great Salt Lake Valley.   They hiked, not on water, but by foot, by wagon, by handcart, by train.  They came to their promised land.  One step at a time. They believed in the Lord's promises in regards to their temple covenants.   Like them, I too want to have faith in every footstep. Though I want to be ever aware of the "holy present", I want to be future focused-keeping my eyes up and looking forward as I confidently paddle until I reach the sandy shore.