This morning I was thinking individuals who require a higher level of care. Fresh on my mind is a recent outing with a child requiring such care, recently transferred to a more appropriate facility. Nevertheless, at the time he was off his level of precaution, was not restricted, and had demonstrated his ability to respond to staff direction; so I took him on an off-grounds excursion. Not only did he require constant adult supervision, but all the other boys on the outing became junior staff encouraging him to behave in a safe manner. They walked next to him to physically guide him, put their arms around him, used kind tones as if they were speaking to him as a beloved hyperactive dog off leash. Even the most impulsive, unpredictable, unstable, even violent peers were able to recognize the inappropriate behaviors, point them out and step in to keep him safe-whether it was throwing rocks, trying to cut down trees, playing with fire, throwing water bottles into the river, darting around, and running away. Even while traveling back in the van, boys tried to prevent him from getting out of his seat-belt and playing near the van door. Though it was a disaster of epic proportion, we were able to return him safely back to campus-back to the security of locked doors. As I lay in bed that evening replaying the events of the day, my mind kept returning to the images of these boys helping a less capable peer and their loving attitudes-it was sincere-they really cared about him. Their concern for him has grown as they have witnessed his behavior and progress while living with him. They know he is not held to the same standards and rules that they are required to live by. In living quarters where boys are always screaming about things not being fair-they are learning first hand that we all have different abilities and as such we require different levels of care-even though we may be tempted to treat everyone the same-one size does not fit all. One to one supervision (the highest level of care) is sometimes required. Who wouldn't want 1 to 1, 24 hour individual attention-one person to truly care about the needs of another human being? It's just hard to provide with limited resources.
So how can one environment meet the needs of so many different children? How can one set of program rules possibly apply to everyone? And what is the value of sticking everyone under the same roof, if we are so very different? What is the value of living together in groups? How does anyone really fit in or who really wants to fit in with a bunch of treatment center kids? If I hang around a bunch of sick people, will I catch what they have? Social Learning is a powerful tool for good or ill. Behaviors that some children would never even thought of are sometimes mimicked by others. Learning unstable behaviors from peers can have horrific consequences. It can make one question the value of living in groups and opt for isolation. One child can act like a cancer spreading through the residence. One child can pull the whole program down, or at least the quality of the group experience. Grouping by diagnosis or overall stability seems to make a difference-yet there just isn't enough space or categories to make sure everyone has an individualized living environment. It's not how the world works either. And if we did-we would surely miss out on the positive aspects of social learning. If everyone was just like you and just as capable as you-how would we care for others? How would we learn to care about others? Would all this individualized attention make me more prone to only caring about me and what I want?
I've seen it in the eyes and witnessed it in behavior of students who feel like they don't belong in a lock down facility as they say, "This is a mistake. I don't belong here. I'm so much better than so and so. Why are you grouping me with these people? This isn't fair." The same sentiments come from within prison walls. It is especially true when comparing brain functioning-some kids brains work better than others. Why do some have so much potential, and others have so little? Some kids are just plain more capable than others. I know where much is given, much is expected. And I don't think the saying is referring to entitlement; because I'm superior and given much, I expect more or the rules don't apply to me so I can do whatever I want. Entitled people don't get the sympathy like our developmentally impaired individuals. The don't get the label of being "special" even though the entitled people think they are "special" In fact, they usually get everything taken away. The clearer phrase is "Where much is given, much is required." The responsibility to use those natural gifts and abilities isn't for self aggrandizement, rather for service to fellowman; to lift another up-to provide quality care. If we were all the same intellectually, on a level playing field, then how could we help if we weren't standing on higher ground? Maybe it would turn into a bloodbath of selfishness; everyone grasping for privileges either earned or not.
The students who were caring for this intellectually impaired boy were genuinely happy for him when learning he would be coming with us on our outing-having observed his lack of freedom-they wanted him to get out and see the world-just a little. When the experience was over, one boy remarked, "I'm going to be such a good dad." Therein lies the challenge to all would be parents, or all who seek to nurture other living things: How can I have a higher level of care for this person and how can I give a higher level of care to this person? Both noun and verb are required to genuinely "care" and certainly there are degrees or levels of care. Some care a little, some care a lot and everything in between. Some do a little, Some do a lot and everything in between.
I know the great parent on high cares about me more than anyone here on earth, He also gives me the highest level of care possible. I receive 24 hour/one to one supervision as my impulsive, even unsafe behaviors require. A higher level of care actually refers to a more restrictive environment in order to keep a person safe. Though commandments might seem restrictive at times, I know they are all given to promote my safety and well being. Higher laws mean higher care-and the consequences from living them actually provide the highest, most quality care I could possible receive.
Friday, October 30, 2015
Tuesday, October 20, 2015
I Want You to Want Me!
This morning I was thinking about how I want to be wanted. Last week I received a "personalized" email about a Recreation Therapy job for the NIH in Bethesda MD. It was from a recruiter and I'm certain it was only a mass email to all RT's in the Linkedin data base; but I believed him-that somebody out there recognized my professional worth and wanted me-thought I'd be good for a high paying job at a national research facility. I guess it also appealed to my need of wanting to feel important as well as wanted. I spent time filling out the application although I have absolutely no desire to move back east and leave all my family in the west. Even if I was miraculously chosen out of the scores of applicants, would I really want to live in some expensive Washington DC area studio apartment all by myself just to feel wanted and important for a minute? Would my choice really inspire my children or help them in anyway? I think it would be foolish and I would regret it.
In one of my early morning heated discussions with my son, he reminded me of another one of my foolish, selfish choices when I decided to remarry. He asked why I did it when everyone told me how stupid it was to marry someone I barely knew. What propelled me forward? Perhaps it was partially in response to a personalized invitation that someone out there in the universe wanted me and valued me as a potential mate. It definitely sucked me in-all those text messages, phone calls, nice dinners, romance; all with the same message...I want YOU. And though at the time, I thought I wanted him too, I didn't want him enough to stay married. Lately I've been hyper-aware of my past mistake as I keep seeing men that look like my 2nd husband. It's freaking me out. My choice has left a lot of psychic scarring for everyone involved. It was a foolish decision-full of regrets.
There is merit in being a little less needy and vulnerable to suggestion when navigating my professional and interpersonal worlds. Though it's nice to live in a world of personalization rather than mass generalization, I get to be the one proactively deciding what I want, what I value, and how I navigate through this sea of want. Instead of reacting to circumstances that may feed my need of being wanted or valued-I want to be in charge. I can decide for myself without the endless parade invitations-even those tempting personal invitations to do this or that. To strengthen this muscle, I can get rid of spam, erase texts and phone messages, be less gullible, and perhaps learn to say, "No, I'm not interested at this time." Continually keeping my slate clean will help me discern and decide what I want and how to proceed. If not, all these invitations with their allure of being wanted and being important just become mind clutter-chumming up my own operating system. Don't call me-I'll call you. Don't fill my email with endless spam telling me what I want. Don't knock on my door. Go away!
Reminds me of my missionary days of knocking doors in Spain. The people of Spain were really good at saying, "No-I'm not interested,-go away!" Many times they would yell these sentiments behind the security of their closed doors and peepholes. One of the by product of my missionary service was learning a billion ways to say "no "to door to door salesman. As such, I'm pretty fierce at the door. I can use some of my fierce attitude when approaching personalized invitations. However, if I'm proactively saying no to everything that comes my way, I might miss out on something I really do want or really need. I don't want to be closed off to those most important invitations. I know God wants us. I know he values us and wants us to value those things of eternal import. He continually invites us to follow him-and these invitations are deeply personalized. I know He wants us to want what He wants. He wants us to want Him.
In one of my early morning heated discussions with my son, he reminded me of another one of my foolish, selfish choices when I decided to remarry. He asked why I did it when everyone told me how stupid it was to marry someone I barely knew. What propelled me forward? Perhaps it was partially in response to a personalized invitation that someone out there in the universe wanted me and valued me as a potential mate. It definitely sucked me in-all those text messages, phone calls, nice dinners, romance; all with the same message...I want YOU. And though at the time, I thought I wanted him too, I didn't want him enough to stay married. Lately I've been hyper-aware of my past mistake as I keep seeing men that look like my 2nd husband. It's freaking me out. My choice has left a lot of psychic scarring for everyone involved. It was a foolish decision-full of regrets.
There is merit in being a little less needy and vulnerable to suggestion when navigating my professional and interpersonal worlds. Though it's nice to live in a world of personalization rather than mass generalization, I get to be the one proactively deciding what I want, what I value, and how I navigate through this sea of want. Instead of reacting to circumstances that may feed my need of being wanted or valued-I want to be in charge. I can decide for myself without the endless parade invitations-even those tempting personal invitations to do this or that. To strengthen this muscle, I can get rid of spam, erase texts and phone messages, be less gullible, and perhaps learn to say, "No, I'm not interested at this time." Continually keeping my slate clean will help me discern and decide what I want and how to proceed. If not, all these invitations with their allure of being wanted and being important just become mind clutter-chumming up my own operating system. Don't call me-I'll call you. Don't fill my email with endless spam telling me what I want. Don't knock on my door. Go away!
Reminds me of my missionary days of knocking doors in Spain. The people of Spain were really good at saying, "No-I'm not interested,-go away!" Many times they would yell these sentiments behind the security of their closed doors and peepholes. One of the by product of my missionary service was learning a billion ways to say "no "to door to door salesman. As such, I'm pretty fierce at the door. I can use some of my fierce attitude when approaching personalized invitations. However, if I'm proactively saying no to everything that comes my way, I might miss out on something I really do want or really need. I don't want to be closed off to those most important invitations. I know God wants us. I know he values us and wants us to value those things of eternal import. He continually invites us to follow him-and these invitations are deeply personalized. I know He wants us to want what He wants. He wants us to want Him.
Sunday, October 11, 2015
911 Emergency Dispatch
This morning I was thinking about problems, emergencies and living happily ever after. The week after my daughter's 2 diamond all inclusive hotel honeymoon,the late night call came to tell me about her broken washing machine and if it was her fault or not if her basement flooded etc. Dread filled my soul as I thought, "Oh no-here it starts-a billion years worth of my children coming to me with their adult problems." I didn't really do anything but listen and empathize. I want to "be there" for my children but I can not fix everything. Sometimes I can literally do nothing. As adults they have to be responsible, but I know I will want to help when I can-like my parents have helped me throughout my adult life with my own problems. My mom has never said, "Well YOUR problems are not MY problems-leave me alone-let me go to sleep. I got my own stuff to deal with" She's only a phone call away. And thank goodness for that. Yet, I don't know if I'm cut out for a lifetime of being 911 emergency dispatch operator for each of my children. It's a high stress job with the potential of giving me my own heart attack or at the least breaking my heart into a thousand pieces. It hurts when my children are not happy or are dealing with the challenges of mortal life. I want them to be okay. I long for the day when there is nothing wrong with them or their circumstances. I want that for myself.
Who wouldn't want to live in a world where everything ran smoothly-all our needs are provided for-no problems-no challenges. Yet that was the situation existing in the Garden of Eden when Adam and Eve could not feel sorrow or joy. Like Elder Scott said," The Fall made possible in our lives feelings of both happiness and sadness. We are able to understand peace because we feel turmoil." But even after our mortal turmoil is over and promises fulfilled with no more death, sorrow, or pain-will we still have problems-perhaps a whole universe full of them? Will we still call out for help? Will there be emergencies? Will we have problems? God is already an exalted being and he has problems...US! Is that what's in store for me in my quest for godhood-just listening and responding to billions of problems? How can he feel peace with all this turmoil? How can he be happy when his children are suffering? How can he be happy when so many of his children (at least 1/3 who never even will have the chance to come to earth) seem to be without hope of happy ever after but instead "go away into everlasting fire." And that's not even considering God's children on earth certainly breaking his heart with their unwise choices. How does he deal with his own broken heart? How does he deal with shame or does he feel shame? Surely his children's choices affect him emotionally-in a most personal way. After all-he created us. We carry his genetics. Instead of the question of whether or not God cares or exists because of world suffering, How does he deal with the burden of caring too much- caring enough to listen and respond to problems without them weighing him down- feeling earth's pull of gravity-how does he stay above the fray and not get sucked into darkness and despair?
Perhaps when God listens to problems he doesn't make those problems about him. He doesn't self-evaluate every time his children mess up. He's able to focus on US instead of himself or at least not make "everything about me" the way I do at times. Sometimes I not only feel bad about my children's pain and problems but I make it my problem as well and take it personally as if their having problems reflects on MY success as a parent. The shame comes by feeling like I'm a bad person because I am a bad parent-why else would my child be making these choices. I should have helped them make better choices. I think, "what could I have done differently." or "what more could I have done." It makes me think of the allegory of the wild and tame olive trees recorded in the Zenos where the Lord states," It grieveth me that I should lose them. But what could I have done more in my vineyard? Have I slackened mine hand, that I have not nourished it? " I know when my heart is breaking, aching, grieving-I feel weakened (my hand is slackened) and I don't seem to have the strength to keep nourishing my own family tree, let alone a whole vineyard. How does he do it? And how will he feel when it all goes up in flames when he causes, "the good and the bad to be gathered; and the good will I preserve unto myself, and the bad will I cast away into its own place. And then cometh the season and the end; and my vineyard will I cause to be burned with fire."
I'm not at the stage yet where I'm ready to burn it all down (though my son's Buddha candle almost caught his room on fire last week). I live right next to the fire station-which is a good thing. Maybe I should take a page from their playbook and adopt their attitude when responding to fires-or 911 calls for help- They are prepared to respond-they know what to do-they have real skills, they're strong , they work hard and play hard. They don't react-they respond. Even the calm and non-reactive attitude of a 911 operator is worthy of emulation as they listen and calmly dispatch help to the crisis. Whether it's emotional strength or physical strength there is no "slackened hand" there with these public servants. They respond to "nourish" or care for those in need and address their problems. They're used to dealing with problems-that's all they do 24/7 is respond to emergencies or problems.-they've developed incredible emotional and physical muscles.
I suppose if handling problems, stress or challenges create strength-then the Father of us all is about the strongest guy in the universe. I appreciated Elder Dallin Oaks conference talk wherein he reminds us, "The Savior has the power to succor-to help-every mortal pain and affliction. Sometimes His power heals an infirmity, but the scriptures and our experience teach that sometimes He succors or helps by giving us the strength or patience to endure our infirmities" He bears all things and he helps us bear things also. I loved Jeffrey Holland's beautiful talk drawing attention to these words, "Bear, borne, carry, deliver. These are powerful, heartening messianic words. They convey help and hope and safe movement from where we are to where we need to be-but cannot get without assistance." When referring to a mother's love "approximating the pure love of Christ" he adds "This kind of resolute love 'suffereth long, and is kind,...seeketh not her own...but...beareth all things, believeth all things, hopeth all things, endureth all things." Most encouraging of all, such fidelity "never faileth." He ends his talk admonishing women to "Be peaceful. Believe in God and yourself. You are doing better than you think you are. In fact, you are saviors on Mount Zion, and like the Master you follow, your love 'never faileth." When my strength is slack and I feel like I have nothing left to give to nourish my children, I need to feel God's love and strength to continue responding to my never ending stream of problems and 911 emergencies.
Who wouldn't want to live in a world where everything ran smoothly-all our needs are provided for-no problems-no challenges. Yet that was the situation existing in the Garden of Eden when Adam and Eve could not feel sorrow or joy. Like Elder Scott said," The Fall made possible in our lives feelings of both happiness and sadness. We are able to understand peace because we feel turmoil." But even after our mortal turmoil is over and promises fulfilled with no more death, sorrow, or pain-will we still have problems-perhaps a whole universe full of them? Will we still call out for help? Will there be emergencies? Will we have problems? God is already an exalted being and he has problems...US! Is that what's in store for me in my quest for godhood-just listening and responding to billions of problems? How can he feel peace with all this turmoil? How can he be happy when his children are suffering? How can he be happy when so many of his children (at least 1/3 who never even will have the chance to come to earth) seem to be without hope of happy ever after but instead "go away into everlasting fire." And that's not even considering God's children on earth certainly breaking his heart with their unwise choices. How does he deal with his own broken heart? How does he deal with shame or does he feel shame? Surely his children's choices affect him emotionally-in a most personal way. After all-he created us. We carry his genetics. Instead of the question of whether or not God cares or exists because of world suffering, How does he deal with the burden of caring too much- caring enough to listen and respond to problems without them weighing him down- feeling earth's pull of gravity-how does he stay above the fray and not get sucked into darkness and despair?
Perhaps when God listens to problems he doesn't make those problems about him. He doesn't self-evaluate every time his children mess up. He's able to focus on US instead of himself or at least not make "everything about me" the way I do at times. Sometimes I not only feel bad about my children's pain and problems but I make it my problem as well and take it personally as if their having problems reflects on MY success as a parent. The shame comes by feeling like I'm a bad person because I am a bad parent-why else would my child be making these choices. I should have helped them make better choices. I think, "what could I have done differently." or "what more could I have done." It makes me think of the allegory of the wild and tame olive trees recorded in the Zenos where the Lord states," It grieveth me that I should lose them. But what could I have done more in my vineyard? Have I slackened mine hand, that I have not nourished it? " I know when my heart is breaking, aching, grieving-I feel weakened (my hand is slackened) and I don't seem to have the strength to keep nourishing my own family tree, let alone a whole vineyard. How does he do it? And how will he feel when it all goes up in flames when he causes, "the good and the bad to be gathered; and the good will I preserve unto myself, and the bad will I cast away into its own place. And then cometh the season and the end; and my vineyard will I cause to be burned with fire."
I'm not at the stage yet where I'm ready to burn it all down (though my son's Buddha candle almost caught his room on fire last week). I live right next to the fire station-which is a good thing. Maybe I should take a page from their playbook and adopt their attitude when responding to fires-or 911 calls for help- They are prepared to respond-they know what to do-they have real skills, they're strong , they work hard and play hard. They don't react-they respond. Even the calm and non-reactive attitude of a 911 operator is worthy of emulation as they listen and calmly dispatch help to the crisis. Whether it's emotional strength or physical strength there is no "slackened hand" there with these public servants. They respond to "nourish" or care for those in need and address their problems. They're used to dealing with problems-that's all they do 24/7 is respond to emergencies or problems.-they've developed incredible emotional and physical muscles.
I suppose if handling problems, stress or challenges create strength-then the Father of us all is about the strongest guy in the universe. I appreciated Elder Dallin Oaks conference talk wherein he reminds us, "The Savior has the power to succor-to help-every mortal pain and affliction. Sometimes His power heals an infirmity, but the scriptures and our experience teach that sometimes He succors or helps by giving us the strength or patience to endure our infirmities" He bears all things and he helps us bear things also. I loved Jeffrey Holland's beautiful talk drawing attention to these words, "Bear, borne, carry, deliver. These are powerful, heartening messianic words. They convey help and hope and safe movement from where we are to where we need to be-but cannot get without assistance." When referring to a mother's love "approximating the pure love of Christ" he adds "This kind of resolute love 'suffereth long, and is kind,...seeketh not her own...but...beareth all things, believeth all things, hopeth all things, endureth all things." Most encouraging of all, such fidelity "never faileth." He ends his talk admonishing women to "Be peaceful. Believe in God and yourself. You are doing better than you think you are. In fact, you are saviors on Mount Zion, and like the Master you follow, your love 'never faileth." When my strength is slack and I feel like I have nothing left to give to nourish my children, I need to feel God's love and strength to continue responding to my never ending stream of problems and 911 emergencies.
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