I Want You to Want Me!

This morning I was thinking about how I want to be wanted. Last week I received a "personalized" email about a Recreation Therapy job for the NIH in Bethesda MD.  It was from a recruiter and I'm certain it was only a mass email to all RT's in the  Linkedin data base; but I believed him-that somebody out there recognized my professional worth and wanted me-thought I'd be good for a high paying job at a national research facility. I guess it also appealed to my need of wanting to feel important as well as wanted.  I spent time filling out the application although I have absolutely no desire to move back east and leave all my family in the west.  Even if I was miraculously chosen out of the scores of applicants, would I really want to live in some expensive Washington DC area studio apartment all by myself just to feel wanted and important for a minute?   Would my choice really inspire my children or help them in anyway? I think it would be foolish and I would regret it.

In one of my early morning heated discussions with my son, he reminded me of another one of my foolish, selfish choices when I decided to remarry.  He asked why I did it when everyone told me how stupid it was to marry someone I barely knew.  What propelled me forward?  Perhaps it was partially in response to a personalized invitation that someone out there in the universe wanted me and valued me as a potential mate.  It definitely sucked me in-all those text messages, phone calls, nice dinners, romance; all with the same message...I want YOU.   And though at the time, I thought I wanted him too, I didn't want him enough to stay married. Lately I've been hyper-aware of my past mistake as I keep seeing men that look like my 2nd husband.  It's freaking me out.  My choice has left a lot of psychic scarring for everyone involved. It was a foolish decision-full of regrets.

There is merit in being a little less needy and vulnerable to suggestion when navigating my professional and interpersonal worlds.  Though it's nice to live in a world of personalization rather than mass generalization, I get to be the one proactively deciding what I want, what I value, and how I navigate through this sea of want.  Instead of reacting to circumstances that may feed my need of being wanted or valued-I  want to be in charge.  I can decide for myself without the endless parade invitations-even those tempting personal invitations to do this or that.  To strengthen this muscle, I can get rid of spam, erase texts and phone messages, be less gullible, and perhaps learn to say, "No, I'm not interested at this time."  Continually keeping my slate clean will help me discern and decide what I want and how to proceed.  If not, all these invitations with their allure of being wanted and being important just  become mind clutter-chumming up my own operating system.  Don't call me-I'll call you.  Don't fill my email with endless spam  telling me what I want.  Don't knock on my door. Go away!

Reminds me of my missionary days of knocking doors in Spain.  The people of Spain were really good at saying, "No-I'm not interested,-go away!" Many times they would yell these sentiments behind the security of their closed doors and peepholes.  One of the by product of my missionary service was learning a billion ways to say "no "to door to door salesman.  As such, I'm pretty fierce at the door.  I can use some of my fierce attitude when approaching personalized invitations.  However, if I'm proactively saying no to everything that comes my way, I might miss out on something I really do want or really need. I don't want to be closed off to those most important invitations.  I know God wants us.  I know he values us and wants us to value those things of eternal import.  He continually invites us to follow him-and these invitations are deeply personalized.  I know He wants us to want what He wants.  He wants us to want Him.