This morning I was thinking about partner dancing and my polka dance days. Dancing is a great way of connecting and trying to move together as partners. I had a wonderful dancing friend, Michael Gilmore all through high school. We actually made up a routine consisting of random musical theatre dance moves, disco, swing, and even a little polka. When doing the polka, we needed a lot of space, especially if we were going to circumvent the entire dance floor. Though I'm sure it didn't always get attention in a good way, I didn't care. It was more like a roller derby- trying weave and bob and not run over anyone. We both supplied the power with our feet but Michael navigated. He would choose the direction, taking the lead as I tried to stay in step. After a couple times around the dance floor, I would get so dizzy and out of breath, Michael would have to steady me so I didn't collapse and fall over. Maybe he didn't get as dizzy because he had more control over where we were going. Regardless, it was more than dancing-it was an adventure! We loved the journey.
The men I married had distinct ways of partner dancing indicative of our journeys together. My first husband had the capability of being the most fabulous dancer ever; I knew he could confidently lead me around if he wanted to- but he didn't want to. It was like he was waiting for me to make a move and then he would match and mirror it. He astutely observed my every move then joined in like he was saying, "look we're the same." He established rapport, then paced and led. Ultimately he would be the one in control, but he didn't give that impression at first. It was more subtle. Instead of feeling in sync, I remember feeling frustrated because our movements lacked purpose, seemed disorganized and weren't cohesive.
My second husband just stood there limp and made an attempt to hold me while we went in a circle. There was little tone, little energy, and definitely no direction. He was open to learning and willing to try anything. I remember teaching him some basic concepts like-have a strong frame-hold me tight, choose a direction, move with confidence. That didn't work out so hot. He let me have complete control and do whatever I wanted. If I really wanted complete control of expression, I might as well just dance by myself, shake it, flip my hair or spin around. There are all sorts of ways to move it.
I suppose there is some of my attention seeking polka ways in my heart today. At least it rises to the surface when dancing in my foofy dress that twirls when I spin. I knew I would get good use of it during the singles conference dance with the old men last weekend, many which know how to partner dance. It's always an adventure meeting someone for the first time and trying to figure out what to do and where to go while dancing. Some people just make excuses- I don't dance or I'm too cool, or I'm too cool for YOU. Others are willing to learn and thrust you into a teacher mode. Some just expect you to mind read and then get frustrated when you're the idiot partner. Some guy's "routines" are pretty easy to figure out after a few minutes- like learning their circus tricks. Others-not so easy. Sometimes these circus tricks are their sly way of breaking boundaries and getting way too close or pretending any second they are going to go in for some romantic kiss. Or perhaps they have some roaming hands I'd prefer they'd keep to themselves. Some can be completely unpredictable and harsh while yanking around my body parts.
Then there are a few partners that just have "this way." It's hard to describe. It's this way of moving that makes me feel safe and secure. Like I'm with someone strong, confident, capable, yet responsive to me; that won't just watch me, but that will watch out for me. They have a great way of holding my hand or putting pressure on my back to increase clear communication. They make it easy for me to succeed. They lead, yet I don't feel like I'm being controlled or driven. They are taking me out for drive-hopefully somewhere interesting.
Maybe "this way" has nothing to do with the dancing at all. Maybe it's just the well placed comment, or the look in their eye, or here's a concept- WHO you are dancing with. What kind of man is he anyway. Is he a good man? Is he a smart man? Is he a caring man? Is he a leader? Will he be safe? Will he protect me? Does being a strong leader mean he will try to control me or manipulate me for his own gain? If he's driving, will there be still be true equality in the partnership?
All attempts to connect and move together seem to be a dance. There's a requirement to take action-move-be responsive. I find myself stumbling over my thoughts, my words, while trying to have a fluid conversation. I misinterpret cues. I bump into people. So if I get dizzy from a potential whirlwind tour, will my partner catch me so I won't fall down? It's always good to hope.
Monday, June 27, 2016
Sunday, June 5, 2016
Ahhhhhh...Freak Out!
This morning I was thinking about freaking out and being able to move on. Last week when beginning our uphill hike to Timapanogos Cave, one of our very physically capable students became extremely anxious about walking on the nicely paved trail. As she cried, screamed, shook, and plopped on the ground she cried, 'I'm going to die. I'm afraid of heights. I don't trust myself. I don't trust you. I'm going back" It wasn't like we were standing over a dangerous precipice but the sheer size of the mountain and the distance to reach the cave made her visibly upset. It was overwhelming for her. As I tried to comfort her, listen to her concerns and assuage her fears, it looked like this was going to be a "no go". I gave the tour tickets to another therapist and stayed back to help, knowing it was much safer for the group to stick together instead of splitting supervision. There was no going back, at least, I sure didn't want to. No matter how many times I assured her I would help keep her safe- she could hold my hand and I would guide her- I've made this trip several times with no mishaps-look the toddlers are doing it-you can too...she just wailed. I was at a loss.
As the group went on, I noticed she was concerned about where her peers were and had some competitive urge to catch up with them. I could work with that. I encouraged her to look directly in front of her feet at the trail and not look around at the view, stay close to the mountain side rather than the edge, and hold my hand to "find the group". Besides I told her we needed to give one of the students their inhaler. Motivated by purpose we took off though she continued to cry and whine. Once we reached her peers, it occurred to me that she might feel more in control of her situation if I placed her in the front of the group and made her in charge of when and where we stopped for our breaks and how fast we walked. This seemed to work even better. I continued to look down to model the head position I wanted her to assume and tried to keep up with her. She went pretty fast. Over time, her cries subsided. Another peer did the "I'm so scared" routine, so I had her join us in the front. The first student had a chance to comfort another peer and give her suggestions of what was working for her.
Miraculously (at least considering her freak out at the beginning) she made it to the cave. She enjoyed taking pictures of the view. She appeared fascinated by it, and had to be coaxed to take a seat and get away from the edge. She was literally facing her fear and desensitizing herself to it. It wasn't that scary, she didn't die. She made it! On the way down, she didn't complain at all or express any fear but this time the freak out came from another student about to lose control of her bladder. Once again, I put her in front-giving her needed control. As she cried and wailed and said she couldn't go on-we kept pressing forward counting down the markers until we reached the bathroom successfully. Hey two miracles in one day! Though I barely saw or appreciated the glory and wonder of the Timp Caves due to our rushed tour of hyperactive, impulsive students, I was more impressed with the wonder of these 2 students and their success in handling their freak outs.
I'm thinking about my own freak outs. On the outside, they are surely not as dramatic but if someone were to film my inner dialogue and emotional reactions, perhaps they would be just as ridiculous, random and irrational. Instead, I try to keep up with my peers. At times I keep my head down and look right in front of my feet-just a few steps deciding what to do in the moment. Having a defined purpose propels me forward. I set my own pace. I look for ways to help others and share what has worked for me. I try not to lose control mentally and emotionally and just go to the bathroom all over myself. In a world full of daunting challenges, it's easy to feel overwhelmed. It's easy to feel not only uncomfortable but to double over in pain and squeeze my knees together. "Let it Go" is not always the best plan of action. At times, I wish I could go back to the car or magically be transported to the restrooms But I can't. I have to use my muscles-contract them and hold the position in order to build strength. Like these students, I try to face my fear-get comfortable with the view and be OK with it. I also have to "hold it" until I reach my goal. Control is key-especially when moving forward. Sometimes the goal IS to just move. Movement is life, especially goal oriented movement or exercising faith unto repentance.
Freaking out and waving my hands randomly in the air can be reserved for retro disco dances.
As the group went on, I noticed she was concerned about where her peers were and had some competitive urge to catch up with them. I could work with that. I encouraged her to look directly in front of her feet at the trail and not look around at the view, stay close to the mountain side rather than the edge, and hold my hand to "find the group". Besides I told her we needed to give one of the students their inhaler. Motivated by purpose we took off though she continued to cry and whine. Once we reached her peers, it occurred to me that she might feel more in control of her situation if I placed her in the front of the group and made her in charge of when and where we stopped for our breaks and how fast we walked. This seemed to work even better. I continued to look down to model the head position I wanted her to assume and tried to keep up with her. She went pretty fast. Over time, her cries subsided. Another peer did the "I'm so scared" routine, so I had her join us in the front. The first student had a chance to comfort another peer and give her suggestions of what was working for her.
Miraculously (at least considering her freak out at the beginning) she made it to the cave. She enjoyed taking pictures of the view. She appeared fascinated by it, and had to be coaxed to take a seat and get away from the edge. She was literally facing her fear and desensitizing herself to it. It wasn't that scary, she didn't die. She made it! On the way down, she didn't complain at all or express any fear but this time the freak out came from another student about to lose control of her bladder. Once again, I put her in front-giving her needed control. As she cried and wailed and said she couldn't go on-we kept pressing forward counting down the markers until we reached the bathroom successfully. Hey two miracles in one day! Though I barely saw or appreciated the glory and wonder of the Timp Caves due to our rushed tour of hyperactive, impulsive students, I was more impressed with the wonder of these 2 students and their success in handling their freak outs.
I'm thinking about my own freak outs. On the outside, they are surely not as dramatic but if someone were to film my inner dialogue and emotional reactions, perhaps they would be just as ridiculous, random and irrational. Instead, I try to keep up with my peers. At times I keep my head down and look right in front of my feet-just a few steps deciding what to do in the moment. Having a defined purpose propels me forward. I set my own pace. I look for ways to help others and share what has worked for me. I try not to lose control mentally and emotionally and just go to the bathroom all over myself. In a world full of daunting challenges, it's easy to feel overwhelmed. It's easy to feel not only uncomfortable but to double over in pain and squeeze my knees together. "Let it Go" is not always the best plan of action. At times, I wish I could go back to the car or magically be transported to the restrooms But I can't. I have to use my muscles-contract them and hold the position in order to build strength. Like these students, I try to face my fear-get comfortable with the view and be OK with it. I also have to "hold it" until I reach my goal. Control is key-especially when moving forward. Sometimes the goal IS to just move. Movement is life, especially goal oriented movement or exercising faith unto repentance.
"And thus he shall bring salvation
to all those who shall believe on his name; this being the intent of
this last sacrifice, to bring about the bowels of mercy, which
overpowereth justice, and bringeth about means unto men that they may
have faith unto repentance. And thus mercy can satisfy the demands of justice,
and encircles them in the arms of safety, while he that exercises no
faith unto repentance is exposed to the whole law of the demands of justice; therefore only unto him that has faith unto repentance is brought about the great and eternal plan of redemption." Alma 34:15-16
Freaking out and waving my hands randomly in the air can be reserved for retro disco dances.
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