This morning I was thinking about partner dancing and my polka dance days. Dancing is a great way of connecting and trying to move together as partners. I had a wonderful dancing friend, Michael Gilmore all through high school. We actually made up a routine consisting of random musical theatre dance moves, disco, swing, and even a little polka. When doing the polka, we needed a lot of space, especially if we were going to circumvent the entire dance floor. Though I'm sure it didn't always get attention in a good way, I didn't care. It was more like a roller derby- trying weave and bob and not run over anyone. We both supplied the power with our feet but Michael navigated. He would choose the direction, taking the lead as I tried to stay in step. After a couple times around the dance floor, I would get so dizzy and out of breath, Michael would have to steady me so I didn't collapse and fall over. Maybe he didn't get as dizzy because he had more control over where we were going. Regardless, it was more than dancing-it was an adventure! We loved the journey.
The men I married had distinct ways of partner dancing indicative of our journeys together. My first husband had the capability of being the most fabulous dancer ever; I knew he could confidently lead me around if he wanted to- but he didn't want to. It was like he was waiting for me to make a move and then he would match and mirror it. He astutely observed my every move then joined in like he was saying, "look we're the same." He established rapport, then paced and led. Ultimately he would be the one in control, but he didn't give that impression at first. It was more subtle. Instead of feeling in sync, I remember feeling frustrated because our movements lacked purpose, seemed disorganized and weren't cohesive.
My second husband just stood there limp and made an attempt to hold me while we went in a circle. There was little tone, little energy, and definitely no direction. He was open to learning and willing to try anything. I remember teaching him some basic concepts like-have a strong frame-hold me tight, choose a direction, move with confidence. That didn't work out so hot. He let me have complete control and do whatever I wanted. If I really wanted complete control of expression, I might as well just dance by myself, shake it, flip my hair or spin around. There are all sorts of ways to move it.
I suppose there is some of my attention seeking polka ways in my heart today. At least it rises to the surface when dancing in my foofy dress that twirls when I spin. I knew I would get good use of it during the singles conference dance with the old men last weekend, many which know how to partner dance. It's always an adventure meeting someone for the first time and trying to figure out what to do and where to go while dancing. Some people just make excuses- I don't dance or I'm too cool, or I'm too cool for YOU. Others are willing to learn and thrust you into a teacher mode. Some just expect you to mind read and then get frustrated when you're the idiot partner. Some guy's "routines" are pretty easy to figure out after a few minutes- like learning their circus tricks. Others-not so easy. Sometimes these circus tricks are their sly way of breaking boundaries and getting way too close or pretending any second they are going to go in for some romantic kiss. Or perhaps they have some roaming hands I'd prefer they'd keep to themselves. Some can be completely unpredictable and harsh while yanking around my body parts.
Then there are a few partners that just have "this way." It's hard to describe. It's this way of moving that makes me feel safe and secure. Like I'm with someone strong, confident, capable, yet responsive to me; that won't just watch me, but that will watch out for me. They have a great way of holding my hand or putting pressure on my back to increase clear communication. They make it easy for me to succeed. They lead, yet I don't feel like I'm being controlled or driven. They are taking me out for drive-hopefully somewhere interesting.
Maybe "this way" has nothing to do with the dancing at all. Maybe it's just the well placed comment, or the look in their eye, or here's a concept- WHO you are dancing with. What kind of man is he anyway. Is he a good man? Is he a smart man? Is he a caring man? Is he a leader? Will he be safe? Will he protect me? Does being a strong leader mean he will try to control me or manipulate me for his own gain? If he's driving, will there be still be true equality in the partnership?
All attempts to connect and move together seem to be a dance. There's a requirement to take action-move-be responsive. I find myself stumbling over my thoughts, my words, while trying to have a fluid conversation. I misinterpret cues. I bump into people. So if I get dizzy from a potential whirlwind tour, will my partner catch me so I won't fall down? It's always good to hope.
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