Ahhhhhh...Freak Out!

This morning I was thinking about freaking out and being able to move on.  Last week when beginning our uphill hike to Timapanogos Cave, one of our very physically capable students became extremely anxious about walking on the nicely paved trail.  As she cried, screamed, shook, and plopped on the ground she cried, 'I'm going to die.  I'm afraid of heights.  I don't trust myself.  I don't trust you. I'm going back"  It wasn't like we were standing over a dangerous precipice but the sheer size of the mountain  and the distance to reach the cave made her visibly upset.  It was overwhelming for her. As I tried to comfort her, listen to her concerns and assuage her fears, it looked like this was going to be a "no go".  I gave the tour tickets to another therapist and stayed back to help, knowing it was much safer for the group to stick together instead of splitting supervision. There was no going back, at least, I sure didn't want to.  No matter how many times I assured her  I would help keep her safe- she could hold my hand and I would guide her- I've made this trip several times with no mishaps-look the toddlers are doing it-you can too...she just wailed.  I was at a loss.

As the group went on, I noticed she was concerned about where her peers were and had some competitive urge to catch up with them.  I could work with that.  I encouraged her to look directly in front of her feet at the trail and not look around at the view, stay close to the mountain side rather than the edge, and hold my hand to "find the group".  Besides I told her we needed to give one of the students their inhaler.  Motivated by purpose we took off though she continued to cry and whine. Once we reached her peers, it occurred to me that she might feel more in control of her situation if I placed her in the front of the group and made her in charge of when and where we stopped for our breaks and how fast we walked.  This seemed to work even better.  I continued to look down to model the head position I wanted her to assume and tried to keep up with her.  She went pretty fast. Over time, her cries subsided.  Another peer did the "I'm so scared" routine, so I had her join us in the front. The first student had a chance to comfort another peer and give her suggestions of what was working for her.

Miraculously (at least considering her freak out at the beginning) she made it to the cave.  She enjoyed taking pictures of the view.  She appeared fascinated by it, and had to be coaxed to take a seat and get away from the edge.  She was literally facing her fear and desensitizing herself to it.  It wasn't that scary, she didn't die.  She made it! On the way down, she didn't complain at all or express any fear but this time the freak out came from another student about to lose control of her bladder.  Once again, I put her in front-giving her needed control. As she cried and wailed and said she couldn't go on-we kept pressing forward counting down the markers until we reached the bathroom successfully. Hey two miracles in one day!  Though I barely saw or appreciated the glory and wonder of the Timp Caves due to our rushed tour of hyperactive, impulsive students, I was more impressed with the wonder of these 2 students and their success in handling their freak outs.

I'm thinking about my own freak outs.  On the outside, they are surely not as dramatic but if someone were to film my inner dialogue and emotional reactions, perhaps they would be just as ridiculous, random and irrational. Instead, I try to keep up with my peers. At times I keep my head down and look right in front of my feet-just a few steps deciding what to do in the moment.  Having a defined purpose propels me forward.  I set my own pace.  I look for ways to help others and share what has worked for me.  I try not to lose control mentally and emotionally and just go to the bathroom all over myself.  In a world full of daunting challenges, it's easy to feel overwhelmed.  It's easy to feel not only uncomfortable but to double over in pain and squeeze my knees together.  "Let it Go" is not always the best plan of action. At times, I wish I could go back to the car or magically be transported to the restrooms But I can't. I have to use my muscles-contract them and hold the position in order to build strength.  Like these students,  I try to face my fear-get comfortable with the view and be OK with it.  I also have to "hold it" until I reach my goal.  Control is key-especially when moving forward.  Sometimes the goal IS to just move. Movement is life, especially goal oriented movement or exercising faith unto repentance.   

"And thus he shall bring salvation to all those who shall believe on his name; this being the intent of this last sacrifice, to bring about the bowels of mercy, which overpowereth justice, and bringeth about means unto men that they may have faith unto repentance. And thus mercy can satisfy the demands of justice, and encircles them in the arms of safety, while he that exercises no faith unto repentance is exposed to the whole law of the demands of justice; therefore only unto him that has faith unto repentance is brought about the great and eternal plan of redemption." Alma 34:15-16

 Freaking out and waving my hands randomly in the air can be reserved for retro disco dances.