This morning I was thinking about getting naked-stripping off layers-standing there totally exposed-vulnerable-and unprotected. I don't consider myself a physically loose person. In terms of experience and exposure-I've had little. I don’t know what it would be like to get drunk, wake up in some random’s bed, gather my clothes and sheepishly make my way out the back door. Yet emotionally, I think I did that recently. At least I know what it felt like to have impaired judgement, let loose, freely express myself, lose control, share intimate details about my life, stand there emotionally naked, be judged according to my various flaws and performance, and then proceed to get dressed-put the layers back on, retrace my steps and leave, not as friends, but as mere acquaintances. It’s got me scratching me head asking, “What the hell was that?” That was me being loose topped off with a pinch of stupid. What was I thinking?
Recently I bumped into what my daughter refers to as a "cuddle whore". I found myself cuddling with a stranger then following it up with some emotional intimacy. Cuddling is it’s own drug. Complete with the release of oxytocin, it’s pretty easy to feel bonded to someone after cuddling. It’s super dangerous, even if it’s labeled as harmless, meaningless cuddling or pretend bonding. I think it’s actually more potent than kissing. Cuddling makes me feel like I’m with someone I can trust; Cuddling creates an environment where I feel safe and protected-like no matter what has happened in the past, or whatever storm is currently brewing- it will all be okay…Trust me.
I don’t have a lot of experience with cuddling either. Primarily, I cuddled with my first husband. It was the cement holding our marriage together-making me feel safe in an unsafe relationship for 23 years.. So when I had the opportunity to cuddle after all these years, I must admit it was warm and wonderful. Even though it stressed me out enough to get the mother lode of all cold sores the next day- it was worth it…I think.
Perhaps if I would have just called it quits after joining this guy’s cuddle harem and being another notch in his belt, I wouldn’t have felt that "morning after" sensation-like I just had sex with a stranger. If I would have kept it casual- friendly-but on the surface. I should have followed suit when he gave me a fake name and profession. Why share any truth and risk exposing myself? Instead of being irritated, I should have admired his flippant response to my honest inquiry. Who wants people to just throw up all over them? Keep your insides to yourself-thank you very much! Why do you have to dig so deep Erin? No, it was the cuddling in conjunction with the next couple days of personal disclosure; after all-this guy could only ever be a friend-he was not interested in a relationship with me. He was only a consultant. A teacher. A potential safe friend. The all-wise Yoda Cuddle Master.
Because I didn’t feel like I had to impress this guy at all, I could totally relax and say whatever. I stripped away all pretense. I felt I was genuinely sharing what was going on in my fractured mind. I sought greater clarity. I was ready and willing to learn. I didn’t mind being called out on all my crap. I could take responsibility for my actions and own my past decisions. I could try to examine my past dysfunctional patterns I tend to perpetuate. I could be confronted and accept objective feedback from a person who did not know me, love me, or admire me. I could just stand there naked and not be afraid. Or at least I thought I could.
Maybe I like a little flattery every once in a while. Or how about a sincere compliment. Or heck, maybe even a little positive focus-what’s good about me or even praiseworthy. Sometimes even a little lie can help build confidence when it comes to my naked appearance in the bedroom. I loved that about both of my husbands. I knew the truth about my bodily imperfections, but they made me feel like I didn’t have any. There was less judgement and more acceptance-even unconditional love. Whatever. That’s okay. I’m not a victim or a saint. I could have made different decisions in regards to my family relationships. I can still make different decisions. I shouldn’t mind honest feedback of being messed up.
What I did know, was it was time to put my clothes back on. It was time to detach and pull away. I had enough info. I wasn’t thirsting for more analysis or knowledge. Whatever it was-it was coming to an end. My takeaway is learning from my experience. I have some great information (Of course I just lost my red notebook containing that information while being stranded in the airport for the last 6 hours, but hey, I remember some things). I have some additional insights. I want to change for the better. I have increased awareness, including a little more empathy of being intimate with strangers…or lets just say, what NOT to do. It’s embarrassing. Perhaps I can be more modest with the sharing of personal details. I can proceed with caution instead of being so gullible and trusting. According to my “Yoda” on the hill, when you’re not healthy enough for a intimate relationship, you shouldn’t remain sequestered in your room watching Netflix all the time-you need to get out and interact, but you need to have consistent and firm boundaries. That’s why he sticks to cuddling. I think it applies to emotional boundaries as well when deciding how much to reveal to another person and vice versa. The “I’ll show you mine if you show me yours” can be a recipe for disaster. Maybe he had it right all along when the only thing I knew about him was that he was Fernando the Drug Dealer. So who I am? Hmmmm- Let’s see…Well, I’m Shaniqua the street walker getting naked with strangers.
No comments:
Post a Comment