This Morning I was thinking while "putting on my face". As a woman this feat is accomplished by the use of foundation and makeup. In fact, I just bought my very first bottle of expensive Clinique foundation instead of the cheap drugstore stuff I usually buy. A good foundation can make all the difference in covering up my dark spots, dark circles, and wrinkles. I have these stupid smoker wrinkles around my mouth (even though I have never smoked) and a bunch of big dents in my forehead. I could try to burn them off with those acid type creams or maybe even pop for more expensive treatments, but for now, it's just easier to paint over them with my foundation brush. The flaws are still there, but it makes me feel better when I have made an effort to "do myself up" instead of going au naturale. My sister, mom, and daughter are so good at the whole packaging thing. My mom would NEVER go out in public without makeup- for her its a gesture of respect for herself and other people. It's her way of putting her best foot forward-or in this case it's the "face."
I've been thinking about how those dents/wrinkles etc. got on my face in the first place. Unfortunately it is not because I've been smiling too much throughout my life. If I had, my dents would be in different places. These little beauties I see every morning might be the result of years of stress, hard thinking, judgment, anger, disapproval, disgust, or something else I can't quite figure out. I just know it's not because I've been the face of peace and serenity. My face is my journal of my emotions for the last 51 years. It represents how I have chosen to react to life. It brings to mind the words to an old Burt Bacharach song "Reflection" from the movie Lost Horizon. "When you wake up each day-do you like what you see-if you like what you see-you're the person you should be- Cause your reflection reflects on everything you do-everything you do-reflects on you." If everything we choose shows up on our face, I believe we can choose our own emoticon; We can choose what face to put on-kind of like putting our "best face forward"
Just recently I heard how we cannot choose our gut reactions when something happens, but we can choose what we will emote-what we will send out- what emotion we will give to others. This is the emotional action we have control over. I use to get so mad at my husband when he told me I was choosing to feel upset etc, about various and sundry things. I would say- no this is just a normal reaction to when you do blank and blank. My reaction was a natural consequence for his choice. I did not "choose" to feel a certain way. But now I understand a little better what he was trying to communicate. I'm not trying to say fake it till I make it or pretend I'm happy when I'm not-cover up my misery with a smile. Obviously I have to process through my feelings and thoughts in an honest manner and deal with the underlining issues without glossing over everything. I have to be an expert problem solver. But to do that-I need fuel for thought. I need positive energy to power up to give me strength to problem solve and make the necessary changes in my life.
The choice to emote positive energy combined with a sincere smile is really a gift-to others and to myself. It increases my own positive outlook. It says, "Things will get better-it will be alright." When I think of positive energy-I think of the sun. It smiles down on me. It makes me feel warm. It lifts my spirit. It is full of the bright light I need to find my way-to see more clearly. Oh how we need to lift each other! Instead of a face lift, I need the lift that comes from a continual infusion of light. Faces fall off- that's just what they do with age. We're all turning into dirt. However, when I see old ladies up close while I do initiatory work in the temple, I never see their falling off faces-I only see light and beauty. That's how I want to be. A face full of light-kind of like when you are editing a photo and add more brightness to your image-almost everything looks better when you white it out, it covers all the flaws. Putting on a happy face is the best foundation ever (and cheaper).
Friday, June 27, 2014
Saturday, June 21, 2014
Why Go to the Singles Conference? Dissociation vs.Connection
This morning I was thinking about why I'm "really" going to the Utah County Singles Conference. I've been thinking about that question for the past month. One assumes I'm looking for love and to get married again. My pop, Jerry O'Malley taught me when you "assume' you make an "ass" out of "u" and "me." So, it that's not the reason, what is? When I asked my sweet daughter for suggestions she said it was the same reasons she goes to the singles ward- to interact with human beings, avoid isolation, and make friends. These are valid reasons. I think my answer lies in a couple of psychological terms and theories-dissociation and the relational cultural theory. I've been throwing some ideas around lately and this morning they seemed to come together in my mind.
We all dissociate in one form or another at one time or another and can be found on this spectrum. Who doesn't like to escape reality once in a while through a good book or TV show? However, though it's embarrassing to admit, there have been times in my life when my personal drama/trauma has been so severe I mentally checked out. I escaped into my own little world of daydreams. Since I seemed to have so little control over the events shaping my family life (usually concerning husband's relationships with other women) in my daydreams, I created my own little world where I was the one calling all the shots and could set up my circumstances to be whatever I imagined. Central to these daydreams was some type of rescuing figure- a dashing man to sweep me away and deliver me into a world of bliss and fulfillment. First it was Horatio Hornblower from the A&E mini-series. In that daydream I actually time traveled. Next it was Ricky Martin-before he was gay. Then it was a guy that I probably should have married from my Spain Madrid Mission and my alternative life filled with honor. Finally it was a dynamic bishopric guy who I'm positive every woman in our ward secretly crushed on. Most of these elaborate scenarios played out quite nicely. In fact when I saw these characters in other settings, I even felt like there was "history" between us and I would giggle. In each instance when I finally returned to reality, I felt a greater sense of empowerment- like I could make choices to shape my destiny. The power was within me already to choose to go where I wanted to go. Kind of like Dorothy and her red sparkle shoes as she was reminded by Glinda how she always had the power to go home. However, during my last little daydream I pulled myself out of it prematurely yelling in my mind, "Stop It Erin! This is ridiculous. I don't want this scenario to happen. Get your head back in the game of life- Wake up!"
I read a great book by Eckhart Tolle this past year that was all about "waking up." I was struck by the concept of disconnecting to those things we attach to for our sense of identity (relationships, roles, talents possessions, career etc.) and seeking connection with a higher source of reality to "see things as they really are." In the dissociation spectrum-this is referred to as a non-pathological state of altered consciousness. My take away from the book emphasized that I am much more than my thoughts, emotions, and behaviors. I can live above all that, if I can connect through prayer and meditation to the source of all light and truth. This relationship can empower me to share His light and His love in all my interactions as I operate from a more awakened point of reference. I feel like I have made some monumental shifts this past year in this regard. I feel like I am a different person. However, my mom's conclusion to all my "wisdom" was, "Erin, you have learned that you don't need a man to be happy."
I'm not looking for happiness. I am a happy person. I was a happy married person. I am a happy divorced twice person. I try to live the eternal laws upon which happiness is based-namely the commandments. Everything fits in to God's plan of Happiness. However in all this "self-sufficiency", "I can do it all by myself stuff", I must not lose sight of the importance of connection- to God- to other people. This was brought into focus during a CEU presentation I attended this week on the Relational Cultural Theory (RTC) and its specific application to at risk youth and children. It emphasizes the importance of connections (the primacy of relationships) as a way to promote mutuality and empowerment. It is through relationship that we heal and can heal others. When we disconnect (dissociate) we turn away from relationships resulting in "condemned isolation." When we connect we seek new relationships resulting in "mutual growth." I like how wikipedia sums it up- to "feel like one matters" and to offer that same feeling to someone else through connection.
So why should I go to this "oldy moldy" singles conference? Because I matter. People matter. I want to feel like I'm understood. I want others to feel understood. I want to grow and not shrink. I want to make empowered choices and empower others to make wise choices. If I truly believe there is power in connecting to God and not trying to do things all by myself, why wouldn't I want additional power by connecting to other people to energize myself and others to keep moving forward? Yea, I'm going. And even though I'm still gonna wear the same maxi dress I wore 3 years ago, I'm approaching it as a different person-at least I hope so.
We all dissociate in one form or another at one time or another and can be found on this spectrum. Who doesn't like to escape reality once in a while through a good book or TV show? However, though it's embarrassing to admit, there have been times in my life when my personal drama/trauma has been so severe I mentally checked out. I escaped into my own little world of daydreams. Since I seemed to have so little control over the events shaping my family life (usually concerning husband's relationships with other women) in my daydreams, I created my own little world where I was the one calling all the shots and could set up my circumstances to be whatever I imagined. Central to these daydreams was some type of rescuing figure- a dashing man to sweep me away and deliver me into a world of bliss and fulfillment. First it was Horatio Hornblower from the A&E mini-series. In that daydream I actually time traveled. Next it was Ricky Martin-before he was gay. Then it was a guy that I probably should have married from my Spain Madrid Mission and my alternative life filled with honor. Finally it was a dynamic bishopric guy who I'm positive every woman in our ward secretly crushed on. Most of these elaborate scenarios played out quite nicely. In fact when I saw these characters in other settings, I even felt like there was "history" between us and I would giggle. In each instance when I finally returned to reality, I felt a greater sense of empowerment- like I could make choices to shape my destiny. The power was within me already to choose to go where I wanted to go. Kind of like Dorothy and her red sparkle shoes as she was reminded by Glinda how she always had the power to go home. However, during my last little daydream I pulled myself out of it prematurely yelling in my mind, "Stop It Erin! This is ridiculous. I don't want this scenario to happen. Get your head back in the game of life- Wake up!"
I read a great book by Eckhart Tolle this past year that was all about "waking up." I was struck by the concept of disconnecting to those things we attach to for our sense of identity (relationships, roles, talents possessions, career etc.) and seeking connection with a higher source of reality to "see things as they really are." In the dissociation spectrum-this is referred to as a non-pathological state of altered consciousness. My take away from the book emphasized that I am much more than my thoughts, emotions, and behaviors. I can live above all that, if I can connect through prayer and meditation to the source of all light and truth. This relationship can empower me to share His light and His love in all my interactions as I operate from a more awakened point of reference. I feel like I have made some monumental shifts this past year in this regard. I feel like I am a different person. However, my mom's conclusion to all my "wisdom" was, "Erin, you have learned that you don't need a man to be happy."
I'm not looking for happiness. I am a happy person. I was a happy married person. I am a happy divorced twice person. I try to live the eternal laws upon which happiness is based-namely the commandments. Everything fits in to God's plan of Happiness. However in all this "self-sufficiency", "I can do it all by myself stuff", I must not lose sight of the importance of connection- to God- to other people. This was brought into focus during a CEU presentation I attended this week on the Relational Cultural Theory (RTC) and its specific application to at risk youth and children. It emphasizes the importance of connections (the primacy of relationships) as a way to promote mutuality and empowerment. It is through relationship that we heal and can heal others. When we disconnect (dissociate) we turn away from relationships resulting in "condemned isolation." When we connect we seek new relationships resulting in "mutual growth." I like how wikipedia sums it up- to "feel like one matters" and to offer that same feeling to someone else through connection.
So why should I go to this "oldy moldy" singles conference? Because I matter. People matter. I want to feel like I'm understood. I want others to feel understood. I want to grow and not shrink. I want to make empowered choices and empower others to make wise choices. If I truly believe there is power in connecting to God and not trying to do things all by myself, why wouldn't I want additional power by connecting to other people to energize myself and others to keep moving forward? Yea, I'm going. And even though I'm still gonna wear the same maxi dress I wore 3 years ago, I'm approaching it as a different person-at least I hope so.
Wednesday, June 18, 2014
How Not to Succeed in Business ..a children's story
This morning I was thinking about Father's Day and how difficult it is for each of my children not to have their father with them. They love him and miss them. They do not understand why he has been in prison for the past 6 years. They do not understand their father's business history resulting in his incarceration.
While digging through memorabilia this past weekend, I found an old journal I started when I was waiting for my then husband at a police station. I read this excerpt to my daughter and she started laughing out loud and took a snapshot of the page with her camera. She thought the other children might find it helpful.
So though this is not really a "children's story" (though it was written using the most simple vocabulary and ideas I could think of)- this is a story for my children in hopes that they may have a better understanding of their father. Maybe this understanding will grow into acceptance and increased capacity to let go of negative emotions and keep moving forward.
Title- Big Talk/ Little Walk/ Talk is Walk
Narrator: The faces change but the story remains the same.
Person: I want to be rich."
Dad: I can help you be rich!
Person: How?
Dad: I can do this and I can do that. I can do it!
Person: Convince me.
Dad: Talk-Talk-Talk-Talk-Talk-Talk-Talk-Talk
Person: O.K. Here's my part. (money, time, resource)
Narrator: Dad works and works, and works and works, by talking, talking, and talking.
Narrator: Time passes.
Person: Hey! I'm not rich!
Dad: Well that's because....talk, talk, talk, talk, excuse, excuse, excuse
Person: You said you could do this and that. You didn't make me rich. You are a Liar!
Dad: I am full of perfect integrity. I tried my best.
Dad: I was only trying to help you and now you are slapping me with a lawsuit.
Dad: I have no money to pay you.
Dad: This is business. 90% of all business ventures fail etc. etc. etc
Dad: I am a good guy.
Dad: I am a nice guy. You are mean. You are bad.
Dad: You want to hurt me when all I wanted to do was help you!
Narrator: End of story-repeated 500 million times.
Excerpt from Journal: " I'm certain tis story will continue to repeat itself unless someone stops this crazy merry-go-round. What will make it stop? I have tried to tell Jeffrey that since he's so smart and so good at TALKING-that IS his value in the marketplace. He needs to be paid for talking-for thinking-for coming up with ideas and sharing them with others. If he can confine himself to this kind of business- He will always succeed."
While digging through memorabilia this past weekend, I found an old journal I started when I was waiting for my then husband at a police station. I read this excerpt to my daughter and she started laughing out loud and took a snapshot of the page with her camera. She thought the other children might find it helpful.
So though this is not really a "children's story" (though it was written using the most simple vocabulary and ideas I could think of)- this is a story for my children in hopes that they may have a better understanding of their father. Maybe this understanding will grow into acceptance and increased capacity to let go of negative emotions and keep moving forward.
Title- Big Talk/ Little Walk/ Talk is Walk
Narrator: The faces change but the story remains the same.
Person: I want to be rich."
Dad: I can help you be rich!
Person: How?
Dad: I can do this and I can do that. I can do it!
Person: Convince me.
Dad: Talk-Talk-Talk-Talk-Talk-Talk-Talk-Talk
Person: O.K. Here's my part. (money, time, resource)
Narrator: Dad works and works, and works and works, by talking, talking, and talking.
Narrator: Time passes.
Person: Hey! I'm not rich!
Dad: Well that's because....talk, talk, talk, talk, excuse, excuse, excuse
Person: You said you could do this and that. You didn't make me rich. You are a Liar!
Dad: I am full of perfect integrity. I tried my best.
Dad: I was only trying to help you and now you are slapping me with a lawsuit.
Dad: I have no money to pay you.
Dad: This is business. 90% of all business ventures fail etc. etc. etc
Dad: I am a good guy.
Dad: I am a nice guy. You are mean. You are bad.
Dad: You want to hurt me when all I wanted to do was help you!
Narrator: End of story-repeated 500 million times.
Excerpt from Journal: " I'm certain tis story will continue to repeat itself unless someone stops this crazy merry-go-round. What will make it stop? I have tried to tell Jeffrey that since he's so smart and so good at TALKING-that IS his value in the marketplace. He needs to be paid for talking-for thinking-for coming up with ideas and sharing them with others. If he can confine himself to this kind of business- He will always succeed."
Friday, June 13, 2014
The Children Come First/ Pro Choice/Pro Life
This morning I was thinking about my choices during the past year. I remember telling my daughter that it was MY CHOICE to get remarried. She reminded me that though they are my choices, my choices AFFECT her. I represent not only myself but 5 other human beings (Hailey, Blake, Chase, Chelsey, Cole) and I would be wise to consider their interests, needs, wants etc, when choosing. In the end when writing my paragraph for grounds for divorce, I cited reasons related to my children, and Jeff's children. And because we didn't have any additional CHLDREN together-we had the quickest 8 day divorce granted to mankind because....children come first or at least the welfare of children should be highly considered when making choices regarding family life. Each of my children's lives are precious. I continually seek for their well-being.
I not only want the blessings of eternal life for myself and my family , but I also want the blessing of eternal lives. Within me, there is a potential for worlds without end-countless generations- my eternal posterity. Though my child bearing days are over, I still have to consider my potential mate as the father of my future children. And if I don't feel comfortable about that- then it's probably not a good match. I represent countless future human beings and my choices affect them. The lives of my future children come first- if I truly want to promote eternal lives.
God as our parent with our Heavenly Mother puts His children first. Everything he did, does, and will do- each choice he makes is concerned with our eternal welfare. "For my work and my glory is to bring to pass the immortality and eternal life of man." The choices I make need to put God's children first too, at least if I'm striving to become like my Heavenly Parents.
I know the Pro Life/ Pro Choice will always be a heated debate. I usually think of abortion rights etc, when the terms are placed together. Choice is essential. Life is essential. I so care about my woman's right to choose. I so care about unborn, potential life. For me, it's a reminder that my choices are never my choices alone. Like the president of the United States, when he makes a choice-it affects the whole country. Though we can hardly be considered his "children" we have given him the executive power to make choices for us that deeply affect the quality of our lives. Though presumptuous, my decisions have great weight- are of great importance because they affect so many people- they affect eternal lives. I'm not trying to say that I'm more important than the president of the United States, or maybe I am? HA! So I'm going to go be presidential today. How's that for some self-aggrandizement?
I not only want the blessings of eternal life for myself and my family , but I also want the blessing of eternal lives. Within me, there is a potential for worlds without end-countless generations- my eternal posterity. Though my child bearing days are over, I still have to consider my potential mate as the father of my future children. And if I don't feel comfortable about that- then it's probably not a good match. I represent countless future human beings and my choices affect them. The lives of my future children come first- if I truly want to promote eternal lives.
God as our parent with our Heavenly Mother puts His children first. Everything he did, does, and will do- each choice he makes is concerned with our eternal welfare. "For my work and my glory is to bring to pass the immortality and eternal life of man." The choices I make need to put God's children first too, at least if I'm striving to become like my Heavenly Parents.
I know the Pro Life/ Pro Choice will always be a heated debate. I usually think of abortion rights etc, when the terms are placed together. Choice is essential. Life is essential. I so care about my woman's right to choose. I so care about unborn, potential life. For me, it's a reminder that my choices are never my choices alone. Like the president of the United States, when he makes a choice-it affects the whole country. Though we can hardly be considered his "children" we have given him the executive power to make choices for us that deeply affect the quality of our lives. Though presumptuous, my decisions have great weight- are of great importance because they affect so many people- they affect eternal lives. I'm not trying to say that I'm more important than the president of the United States, or maybe I am? HA! So I'm going to go be presidential today. How's that for some self-aggrandizement?
Monday, June 9, 2014
Fierce Wrath/Love
I lost it the other day. I try to be supportive-I really do, but I had a huge storm inside me and unleashed it on my sleeping son as he once again ignored me and refused to even consider what I was asking him to do. Of course 99.9 of everything I ask him to do is for his benefit, but my son continually exercises his right to choose for himself, even if it is not in his best interest. So I try to be patient and wait, and wait, and watch, and refrain from acting like a "crazy mom" yelling like a banshee. I've become quite accustomed to being treated with disrespect-of bending over backward to serve this child only to have him give me the proverbial "finger" and do whatever the hell he pleases while raising his voice at me telling me how "unreasonable" and stupid I am. The continual brainwashing from allowed contact with his father through calls and letters have influenced his thinking including the idea that his mom is responsible for his father's 10 year prison sentence and could have easily secured his release if she would have only did what his father asked her to do. Mom doesn't know what she's talking about-she's just stupid. I believe my son thinks that it is partly my fault and my lack of action that have resulted in him not having the father he adores in the home for the last 6 years. She didn't do what his father asked her to do so why should I do what my stupid mother asks me to do?
My trigger for my fierce wrath was when my son started calling other people stupid who were also bending over backwards for him and giving them the "finger" with his uncaring, unyielding attitude. It was just too much- and I cracked. I communicated in my crazy,yelling voice and like usual-it didn't work. I felt like slamming the front door, leaving, and letting him find his own way to the airport for his coveted India trip-anything to withdraw my full support. I left the room, regrouped, read some scriptures, prayed, and then returned to apologize for my poor communication. Our tearful exchange ended in several hugs and expressions of love. I do care and want him to be happy. But most of all I love him and would do anything for him, or at least I would like to think I would. I would love to force him to do what I say, but I can't. He has to choose for himself. He can choose to follow and do what his mother or other loved ones ask him to do. He and I can both choose to do what God says instead of just doing whatever we want to do.
So fighting against this trend of disrespect, over the years I pleaded, even begged him to do basic things like get up, go to school, do chores, work, contribute, go to church, pray, study the scriptures, serve-just think about someone other than just himself- Though I have tried to follow up with consequences, most of my efforts have been met with extreme resistance. Fortunately he has done many wonderful things on his own and has reminded me several times-his heart is in the right place.
My heart has been in the right place, or at least I strive to have it in the right place. And through it all, whether in my own conflicted childhood home in Long Beach, or the home I made with Jeff Mowen, or the home I made as a single mom, or the home I tried to make with Jeff Bills, all my homes have heart. There is LOVE. So it is no surprise that as I was leading the choir while singing "Love at Home" I burst into tears while conducting. Afterward I testified of the healing balm of love in mending broken hearts-in smoothing out all the rough edges/conflict in our home lives. I encouraged the choir to sing the song smoothly and sweetly to help others feel this power of love in transforming our homes to places where we can put our heart in the right place. The song is full of lyrics comparing the beauty of the earth to the beauty of love at home. I know whenever I'm in nature I feel the love of the Creator. The beauty of the earth overwhelms me and yet I can create a similar beauty by filling my home with love. Like the lyric in the song, "Oh there's one who smiles on high-when there's love at home." I know how pleased our Father in heaven is when we love one another. He is pleased when we continually repent and communicate in loving ways. No more banshee, screaming you crazy mom. I love the phrase that we cannot change another person but we can change ourselves and the way we treat them. I want to change and continually put my heart in the right place.
My trigger for my fierce wrath was when my son started calling other people stupid who were also bending over backwards for him and giving them the "finger" with his uncaring, unyielding attitude. It was just too much- and I cracked. I communicated in my crazy,yelling voice and like usual-it didn't work. I felt like slamming the front door, leaving, and letting him find his own way to the airport for his coveted India trip-anything to withdraw my full support. I left the room, regrouped, read some scriptures, prayed, and then returned to apologize for my poor communication. Our tearful exchange ended in several hugs and expressions of love. I do care and want him to be happy. But most of all I love him and would do anything for him, or at least I would like to think I would. I would love to force him to do what I say, but I can't. He has to choose for himself. He can choose to follow and do what his mother or other loved ones ask him to do. He and I can both choose to do what God says instead of just doing whatever we want to do.
So fighting against this trend of disrespect, over the years I pleaded, even begged him to do basic things like get up, go to school, do chores, work, contribute, go to church, pray, study the scriptures, serve-just think about someone other than just himself- Though I have tried to follow up with consequences, most of my efforts have been met with extreme resistance. Fortunately he has done many wonderful things on his own and has reminded me several times-his heart is in the right place.
My heart has been in the right place, or at least I strive to have it in the right place. And through it all, whether in my own conflicted childhood home in Long Beach, or the home I made with Jeff Mowen, or the home I made as a single mom, or the home I tried to make with Jeff Bills, all my homes have heart. There is LOVE. So it is no surprise that as I was leading the choir while singing "Love at Home" I burst into tears while conducting. Afterward I testified of the healing balm of love in mending broken hearts-in smoothing out all the rough edges/conflict in our home lives. I encouraged the choir to sing the song smoothly and sweetly to help others feel this power of love in transforming our homes to places where we can put our heart in the right place. The song is full of lyrics comparing the beauty of the earth to the beauty of love at home. I know whenever I'm in nature I feel the love of the Creator. The beauty of the earth overwhelms me and yet I can create a similar beauty by filling my home with love. Like the lyric in the song, "Oh there's one who smiles on high-when there's love at home." I know how pleased our Father in heaven is when we love one another. He is pleased when we continually repent and communicate in loving ways. No more banshee, screaming you crazy mom. I love the phrase that we cannot change another person but we can change ourselves and the way we treat them. I want to change and continually put my heart in the right place.
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