This morning I was thinking about why I'm "really" going to the Utah County Singles Conference. I've been thinking about that question for the past month. One assumes I'm looking for love and to get married again. My pop, Jerry O'Malley taught me when you "assume' you make an "ass" out of "u" and "me." So, it that's not the reason, what is? When I asked my sweet daughter for suggestions she said it was the same reasons she goes to the singles ward- to interact with human beings, avoid isolation, and make friends. These are valid reasons. I think my answer lies in a couple of psychological terms and theories-dissociation and the relational cultural theory. I've been throwing some ideas around lately and this morning they seemed to come together in my mind.
We all dissociate in one form or another at one time or another and can be found on this spectrum. Who doesn't like to escape reality once in a while through a good book or TV show? However, though it's embarrassing to admit, there have been times in my life when my personal drama/trauma has been so severe I mentally checked out. I escaped into my own little world of daydreams. Since I seemed to have so little control over the events shaping my family life (usually concerning husband's relationships with other women) in my daydreams, I created my own little world where I was the one calling all the shots and could set up my circumstances to be whatever I imagined. Central to these daydreams was some type of rescuing figure- a dashing man to sweep me away and deliver me into a world of bliss and fulfillment. First it was Horatio Hornblower from the A&E mini-series. In that daydream I actually time traveled. Next it was Ricky Martin-before he was gay. Then it was a guy that I probably should have married from my Spain Madrid Mission and my alternative life filled with honor. Finally it was a dynamic bishopric guy who I'm positive every woman in our ward secretly crushed on. Most of these elaborate scenarios played out quite nicely. In fact when I saw these characters in other settings, I even felt like there was "history" between us and I would giggle. In each instance when I finally returned to reality, I felt a greater sense of empowerment- like I could make choices to shape my destiny. The power was within me already to choose to go where I wanted to go. Kind of like Dorothy and her red sparkle shoes as she was reminded by Glinda how she always had the power to go home. However, during my last little daydream I pulled myself out of it prematurely yelling in my mind, "Stop It Erin! This is ridiculous. I don't want this scenario to happen. Get your head back in the game of life- Wake up!"
I read a great book by Eckhart Tolle this past year that was all about "waking up." I was struck by the concept of disconnecting to those things we attach to for our sense of identity (relationships, roles, talents possessions, career etc.) and seeking connection with a higher source of reality to "see things as they really are." In the dissociation spectrum-this is referred to as a non-pathological state of altered consciousness. My take away from the book emphasized that I am much more than my thoughts, emotions, and behaviors. I can live above all that, if I can connect through prayer and meditation to the source of all light and truth. This relationship can empower me to share His light and His love in all my interactions as I operate from a more awakened point of reference. I feel like I have made some monumental shifts this past year in this regard. I feel like I am a different person. However, my mom's conclusion to all my "wisdom" was, "Erin, you have learned that you don't need a man to be happy."
I'm not looking for happiness. I am a happy person. I was a happy married person. I am a happy divorced twice person. I try to live the eternal laws upon which happiness is based-namely the commandments. Everything fits in to God's plan of Happiness. However in all this "self-sufficiency", "I can do it all by myself stuff", I must not lose sight of the importance of connection- to God- to other people. This was brought into focus during a CEU presentation I attended this week on the Relational Cultural Theory (RTC) and its specific application to at risk youth and children. It emphasizes the importance of connections (the primacy of relationships) as a way to promote mutuality and empowerment. It is through relationship that we heal and can heal others. When we disconnect (dissociate) we turn away from relationships resulting in "condemned isolation." When we connect we seek new relationships resulting in "mutual growth." I like how wikipedia sums it up- to "feel like one matters" and to offer that same feeling to someone else through connection.
So why should I go to this "oldy moldy" singles conference? Because I matter. People matter. I want to feel like I'm understood. I want others to feel understood. I want to grow and not shrink. I want to make empowered choices and empower others to make wise choices. If I truly believe there is power in connecting to God and not trying to do things all by myself, why wouldn't I want additional power by connecting to other people to energize myself and others to keep moving forward? Yea, I'm going. And even though I'm still gonna wear the same maxi dress I wore 3 years ago, I'm approaching it as a different person-at least I hope so.
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