Trying to Fit In with the Cool Kids

This morning I was thinking about my recent efforts to fit in.  As a knee jerk reaction from my reject letter from the TAB choir, I accepted an invitation to go on a week long Lake Powell houseboat vacation, basically with a bunch of strangers.  I tried to approach a potentially uncomfortable situation with a  positive attitude; after all, I am a River Rat and Lake Powell is THE BEST place for waterskiing.

Once there, I was surrounded by some of the coolest grandmas on the planet.  Grandmas that wake surf and water-ski with a high degree of athleticism and panache.  They look hot in their swimsuit, are full of fun and humor, whose motto when approaching the whole singles world is "just be." Combine that with their highly personable and attractive young adult children and you get one very desirable group of truly "cool kids." 

My dad was cool- Colorado River water-skiing cool- and not just because he could do a jump start off the dock with a cigarette in his mouth, beer can in his hand, and Chicano hard hat on his head.  He just had a way.  Water-skiing and driving a ski boat still connect me with my dad. I loved making my daddy proud of his "hot-dog water-skier" baby girl.  I wanted to be "cool" like him-like my brother.  I wanted to be cool like these hot skiing grandmas.  Like a teenager, I sometimes get a rush when hanging out with the "cool kids" or the highly desirable ones.  I guess it makes me feel if I hang out with them long enough, maybe I'll belong.  Maybe I'll be cool too. 

Last week I loved being included in the early morning serious water-skiing group. Of course that meant I had to prove myself and deal with the accompanying performance anxiety.  But I exhaled and HIT IT, relying on the Clincher gloves to get me up, cutting hard on the fancy competition ski, and smiling while enjoying Lake Powell glass. 

It's interesting how one compliment can make a whole trip.  In passing, one lady referred to me as a fellow athlete.  Another lady said I was a phenomenal skier.  All of a sudden, I felt like I fit in.  I was cool, even if it was only for a mili-second.  Coolness evaporates so quickly-just ask my kids.

I suppose "cool" isn't a requirement for the celestial kingdom.  However, it is a social structure based on personal character. It's filled with people who think, act, and feel similarly about the Lord.  People who are not only trying to be more like the Father, but who are trying to FIT IN with the great and noble ones.  I want to belong and be one of the "cool kids" forever. 

Indispensable Tsunami Wisdom

This morning I was thinking about the loss of one of my co-workers.  Last week we camped, sang, talked, hiked, rafted, cooked, and helped students cope. Many would agree he was indispensable for our program.  Yet, this week I show up for work and... he's gone-fired-swept away by the powers that be.  During my brief time at my current workplace, I've seen the CEO, clinical directors, head psychiatrist, medical director, principal, teacher, laundry lady, head cook, company lawyer, line staff, 30+ year employees, my own boss, and therapists meet the same fate.  At my last therapist meeting, all my previous work family was gone.  Such a large part of my work satisfaction comes from the people I work with.  They create my work environment and I like "how I feel" at work.  If I didn't- I would quit.  Last month I quit an early morning job for that express reason-I didn't like the way I felt and how I was treated.  I'm sure I'm not even missed-work life goes on. Power shows me that even indispensable people are quite dispensable.

To deal with my loss, I sat at my computer to write a letter of recommendation for this therapist but got sidetracked with YouTube videos about the 2004 tsunami caught on camera.  I watched all eight 10 minute segments and found myself crying with the survivors as they wailed and mourned the loss of loved ones swept away by powerful water.  The survivor stories were so compelling, I showed up late for work.  But somehow, it was just what I needed to face the day. 

The last 2 segments were filled with insights-the survivor's take away from their horrific experience. Some dealt with survivor guilt and found peace in knowing they had done their best to help.  Others felt lucky and explained there was not time to think about anybody but yourself and how it wasn't their time to go.  One father contemplated his strong relationship he had built with his teenage daughter he'd lost.  His wife explained how her husband felt like he was experiencing a tsunami everyday as they dealt with their own survivor's son subsequent addiction to pain medication.  After mourning the loss of 5 people she loved, a young Indonesian woman explained it was not a punishment, but a test-to make her a better, stronger person day by day. 

One couple that had their 5 year old child torn from their arms explained how the traumatic event changed them forever but their world hasn't changed. They still have to go to work, earn money to eat-survive. They coped with loss by helping other people in honor of their dead, appreciating the smaller things in life, and taking each day as it comes.  After finding the body of their child, the mother explained, "One part of your life finishes and the rest of your life begins. Your life is over."

Life as we know it seems to end over and over again. The quality of my life is so influenced by the people in it-the people I care about and who care for me.  It is like the tide and crashing surf. Especially if I consider my ever changing, shifting sandy landscape of the people in my life.  I so appreciate the indispensable wisdom and perspective from these tsunami survivors.  They are words to learn from and live by for little old dispensable me. 

Pick Me Up

This morning I was thinking about my latest Moab camping trip.  2 weeks ago it was the hyperactive boys.  This week it was the drama-creating girls.  It was emotionally exhausting dealing with the histrionic behavior of one particular child.  It's like the proverbial saying, "I've fallen and can't get up."  But in this case it was " I'm going to fall, cry out, flail around and wave my arms until YOU help me get up-and when you ignore me or give me a consequence, I will intensify my efforts-a hundred fold." She is extremely intelligent, quite manipulative and will not stop until she gets what she wants. She physically clings to anyone who will give her attention.  She constantly cries and complains how everyone "hates" her and doesn't want to be around her.  Her peers are actually pretty tolerant and supportive-considering. When writing progress notes, the only word that came to mind to describe her behavior was "ridiculous".  And yet if all behavior is an attempt to meet a need, I'm reminded how her extreme attention seeking behavior craves approval and love from both peers and staff wanting someone to care about her, or care for her...Just pick me up. 

Reminds me how I was greeted by my glamorous Himalayan neighbor cat when unloading my camping gear at home.  She cries out for attention and I am compelled to pick her up. She almost not a kitten anymore.  She purrs so easily as I pet her though she really doesn't like to be held. She wants what she wants on her own terms.  As I pet her I tell her how I love her but I can't feed her or let her in my house. I don't want her to depend on us for survival, especially when I believe her owner still cares for her.  I haven't seen mother cat lately-she use to be the one craving attention.  This little one seems a bit abandoned by everyone-at least she acts like it.  I sometimes cheat and let my daughter give her a saucer of milk.  I do love her and at times I even identify with her. 

My own histrionic behavior caused me to lose sleep during our camp out.  I was attention seeking and craved love, approval and connection.  I felt like someone picked me up for a second, rubbed me behind the ears until I purred then gently set me down.  It was just a little bit of kind attention-some very innocent well wishing.  As I theoretically followed him back to his house I was met by the closed door of his lovely home. I was in such a rush to get out my own front door for my camping trip that I didn't have time to even see if this guy was married. So my mind played all sorts of tricks on me as I dealt with my little drama queen campers.  Once I returned home and could do the necessary leg work I felt guilty for even wishing. However, I was filled with my own well-wishing for this sweet, strong couple who have dealt with their own challenges and valiantly raised their children.

As I think back on my emotional journey, I am surprised with how little it takes to do a 360 °  How one little kindness can literally change my life and fill me with resolve to the kind of woman deserving of such fine attention.  A change in my circumstances is definitely motivating, but why should I have to wait for something to "happen" or fall from the sky to make necessary character changes. Why should I flail around on the ground expecting others to help me get up?  Instead of thinking how "this" can change everything, how about changing everything without "this".  What is "this" anyway.  Perhaps it was a much needed "pick me up"-to change my heart continually.