This morning I was thinking about being bossed around. As part of "National Bosses Day" or whatever its called, I reached out to my various bosses to express gratitude. While I was signing a card, one of my supervisors asked who my boss really was. I answered, I have all sorts of bosses telling me what to do. And I do. Someone also remarked how Erin gets to do whatever she wants. And that's true too. Yesterday I had a couple experiences that highlighted these points and caused me to think about being bossed around and asking permission.
I'm more of a "ask forgiveness" rather than "permission" kind of gal when it come to doing what I want. When I'm not allowed to freely explore ideas and express myself, I almost feel like I'm in prison or that my creativity is being squashed or stinted. I shut down and switch gears into a "yes-master/zombie" trance. It's not fun. However, when creativity has reigned supreme I've also gotten myself in trouble, stepped on toes, and ultimately not achieved the outcomes I was seeking. For at times I really don't know what I'm doing, even though I may pretend I do.
Take for instance, yesterday-setting rock-climbing routes. Oh sure I can pretend and start screwing in the holds willy-nilly using my imbecile judgement saying, "Oh that's fine-good enough." But I found myself getting stressed. I observed my boss and co-worker adeptly climb and test routes, use youthful strength to fasten holds not only in the right place but in the right direction. Finally I stopped, turned to my boss and said, "Just tell me what to do and I'll do it." It was so much easier to just have my boss hold the rock in place and then do my job with confidence as the simple handyman using the hex key.
Asking permission is sometimes more difficult for me. I guess I'm afraid someone will say no, reject me or deem my work unacceptable. Maybe it's the fear of being judged or having spent my effort in vain. After hanging out at a residential treatment center, I also identify with all my oppositional defiant students. No one likes being told what to do. It's all about freedom, control, and choices. And yet, I understand the importance of personal stewardship and deference to authority. So with this in mind, I went to our music committee meeting last night prepared to present the song I had written for the choir for our Christmas program.
A couple of months ago when receiving my call as choir director, in one of my "take initiative moves" I was sharply reminded by the music director that she was "my boss" (the words she used) and that everything I did had to be approved by her- which is fine- I understand. I'm trying to be sensitive and open. However at this meeting I found myself feeling in "prison"and shifting into my zombie trance, especially when most of my comments seemed out of place. I tried to emotionally prepare myself in case of rejection. After all just because I've spent the last month writing this song-doesn't mean it's a waste of time if it's not used. It's a gift for me to express myself. It's a gift for my Creator to show my love. It's a gift to share with those I care about.
As the meeting was about to close, one of the choristers asked if she could listen to the song I wrote. After we prayed, I was permitted to share the song. It was difficult to shift from zombie trance to songwriter/servant. Basically it was the musical equivalent of "getting permission" by having others listen and judge the work to see if it would be acceptable for inclusion in our church meeting. I was nervous and stressed The song was approved and most likely will be included in our program. Now, instead of feeling like a maverick, I'm part of a unified group with a unified purpose doing my individual part to help with that purpose. I can move forward with confidence because I have permission.
I want my confidence to wax strong in the presence of the Lord. There are so many things I love about David in the Old Testament. I appreciate the many instances of him "inquiring of the Lord," asking permission to do everything. (Will Saul come down? Will I be delivered into his hand? Shall I go smite the Philistines? Shall I pursue after this troop? Shall I go to the cities of Judah? etc, etc. etc.) I love his specific yes/no questions. I love his dependence upon Higher Authority. He did best when he let the Lord be his boss. I know like David, I can slay Goliath- I can do anything that is right if I'm not working alone. I can have the Lord on my side-with His permission and approval because He's my boss.
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