This morning I was thinking about the football player injured during the first play of the BYU Blue versus White scrimmage game. I'm sure many, especially my students were anxious to get on with the game. After all, watching the drills didn't grab their attention too much and they wanted to see action. However, I was a little disturbed when everything didn't just stop until the player received the necessary medical attention and could be safely escorted off field. Instead, they just moved the football action further up the field and kept playing. When the injured player finally got up (I think he hurt his leg or something) I clapped, but not many noticed. They were fixed on the game action. I know this was only a scrimmage and I guess injury protocols must be different than in official games, but it still made an impression. It came on the heels of a discussion I had with a coworker about her brother's experience with college ball and how they are often expected to sacrifice their bodies for the team. Like dedicated, loyal soldiers fighting for a cause bigger than themselves-willing to put it all on the line. They might get injured, but it is expected ; it's what they signed up for. And if they don't want to play, there are hundreds of other potential want-to be warriors willing to take their place. They are totally replaceable and ultimately...the game goes on, even if it's just down the field a little ways from the injury site. With a birds eye view from the cheap seats, I was taking in the "bigger picture" of football and trying to figure out how it relates to the grand scheme of things.
Before I get all judgmental, I made a similar callous call this week with my students while skiing. I recently had an experience watching an unnecessary ski patrol toboggan ride for a student with extremely low awareness suspecting a serious injury. For example, he rated his pain level at a 10 (like an alligator had bitten off his ankle) in front of ski patrol (who has to take them at their word) and then rated his pain level at 0 about an hour after we returned to campus. So when dealing with the perceived injury THIS week, I was a little jaded. Not only had I witnessed the low speed crash but was directly involved as the girl fell on me and torqued my own knee. I knew she probably hurt something but would probably be OK. (Note to self, do NOT do an assisted snowplow with larger students.) I gave her support and attention but ultimately I encouraged the other students to keep skiing around us on the bunny hill and practice their skills. Keep going-keep playing-keep moving forward-get back to campus safely. I didn't want to stop, call ski patrol, do the body bag toboggan ride, spend an hour filling out paper work etc. Ultimately, like the other student, after a while back on campus, she was "all better." Which is fortunate for everyone.
I know when I get hurt physically or emotionally, I expect the whole world to stop-to suspend all normal activities-and just wait until I am back on my feet again. Maybe I expect my own gallery of friends and family to applaud me-or at least notice that I am doing better. But in many cases, though my life stops, theirs does not and sometimes no one really notices I am temporarily out of commission. I have a few key people, my medics, who help, who care, who lift me up. My personal coaches and leaders encourage me to do what it takes to get back in the game-who want give me opportunities to contribute to the team. I don't want to just sit on the sidelines. I want a chance to do something big-to make key plays-to make a difference in the outcome of the game.
I appreciate how we can all be like medics (or ski patrol) rushing in response to a "man down on the field." Last night Elder Eyring spoke to the women of the church encouraging us to comfort others who need help in "carrying burdens of grief, loneliness, and fear...The Savior described the way He helps lighten loads and gives
strength to carry them when He was about to be crucified. He knew that
His disciples would grieve. He knew that they would fear for their
future. He knew they would feel uncertain of their capacity to move
forward. So He gave them the promise that He makes to us and to all His true disciples:
“And I will pray the Father, and he shall give you another Comforter, that he may abide with you for ever; "(John 14.16
This Comforter enables me to feel that my Savior is here with me when I am the man down. I guess that's why I was touched when watching the latest church social media clip for Easter #becausehelives-especially as the words repeatedly flashed across the screen"HE IS HERE." His presence gives me "the capacity to move forward." As I try to comfort others, I can invite the presence of the real Comforter to help the man down. And with His presence we can take action to get back in the game- to get up- to RISE, or in BYU traditional fight song, "Rise and Shout."
Sunday, March 29, 2015
Saturday, March 21, 2015
Affirmations of Faith- I AM/ YOU ARE
This morning I was thinking about affirmations and their connection to our exercise of faith in ourselves and in others. Faith being a principle of power, it moves us to action giving us the necessary propulsion to move forward in our daily goals. It helps us execute wise decisions in line with those affirmations. I was trying to illustrate this yesterday with my students in the park as we flew kites, did bottle rockets, alka-seltzer rockets, and threw frisbee golf discs towards the wire basket goals. I had the students state their goals in "I AM" statements" such as, "I am a nice person", I am a good friend", "I am a smart problem solver" I am a selfless person". They were then challenged to "act as if" they had already achieved their goal- and were already a selfless, peaceful, smart, nice person. Would this belief influence their choices during the day? Would it influence their choices while playing in the park? With a bunch of hyperactive boys, our group focus mostly flew right over their vacuous heads. They spent most of the time fighting over kites, pushing each other out of the way, being impatient to have their turn, anxious they would miss out on opportunities. However, they did have some fun and enjoyed stopping for Girl Scout cookies.
We discussed how these "I AM" statement were like labeling yourself-in a positive way. We contrasted these positive labels with negative ones such as BAD BOYS, BULLIES, CRIMINALS, even ADDICTS. Either way, when others believe we are bad, we sometimes act bad. When we believe we are bad, we sometimes act bad. It's the belief that drives the action. I work in a lock down facility. Reading over the clinical histories of these students, it would easy to be shocked about the outrageous behaviors causing harm to self and others. It would be easy to label these kids in a negative manner and expect the worse-forever. However, I work in a treatment center, not a little kids prison, and as such we focus on individualized goals. A key aspect of establishing a therapeutic relationship is having unconditional positive regard for each client. These kids need to feel that I LIKE them. These kids need to feel like I BELIEVE in them. They need to believe that I care and want them to do well. That I am sad when they don't. I remind them that they can do it-they can be safe. They can learn to be trusted with greater amounts of freedom with their increased control.
I've been hearing about positive affirmations throughout my married life. My x-husband use to put little index cards on the mirror. I thought they were stupid. I was always a little more skeptical. I doubted self and others. Not only did I think they were stupid but I thought in some ways they were dishonest. Not only did he totally believe in these affirmations but he was able to be so congruent that others believed them as well. I am a amazing businessman. I am totally honest in all my dealings. I am wealthy and powerful. I am a trustworthy, loving husband and father. He treated others "as if" they were wonderful also. He had the most amazing children. He had the most talented children. I was the the most beautiful, superior woman ever etc, etc, etc. Through language he reinforced these ideas so we would believe in ourselves. Unfortunately, this belief backfired since chronic lying tends to cast a wide net of doubt- we just couldn't trust him or anything he said. Not only did we not believe him, but we began we doubted the positive affirmations as well. Which is a shame, because many of these positive affirmations are often rooted in truth and had the power to transform.
I'm less doubtful these days especially regarding the transformation power of "I AM" statements. I still don't think I'll be sticking any index cards on my mirror, but I do believe in positive labels. I am a Latter-Day Saint, mother, musician, writer, recreation therapist. These are great labels. They are great affirmations but I think I still need more. At the same time, I also want to help others with their own positive affirmations. They might be addicts, criminals, liars or whatever-but I better not treat them like that. Rather, I'm going to treat you like a queen. I'm going to treat you like I think you're the greatest person ever. I might not be able to trust you now, but if I treat you with this unconditional positive regard, I think you may have a greater chance in being trustworthy. I love the principle of faith moving us towards positive action, especially when rooted in a deep and abiding faith in the Lord, Jesus Christ. I know with this kind of faith, we can do anything-even help us realize our I AM and YOU ARE affirmations.
We discussed how these "I AM" statement were like labeling yourself-in a positive way. We contrasted these positive labels with negative ones such as BAD BOYS, BULLIES, CRIMINALS, even ADDICTS. Either way, when others believe we are bad, we sometimes act bad. When we believe we are bad, we sometimes act bad. It's the belief that drives the action. I work in a lock down facility. Reading over the clinical histories of these students, it would easy to be shocked about the outrageous behaviors causing harm to self and others. It would be easy to label these kids in a negative manner and expect the worse-forever. However, I work in a treatment center, not a little kids prison, and as such we focus on individualized goals. A key aspect of establishing a therapeutic relationship is having unconditional positive regard for each client. These kids need to feel that I LIKE them. These kids need to feel like I BELIEVE in them. They need to believe that I care and want them to do well. That I am sad when they don't. I remind them that they can do it-they can be safe. They can learn to be trusted with greater amounts of freedom with their increased control.
I've been hearing about positive affirmations throughout my married life. My x-husband use to put little index cards on the mirror. I thought they were stupid. I was always a little more skeptical. I doubted self and others. Not only did I think they were stupid but I thought in some ways they were dishonest. Not only did he totally believe in these affirmations but he was able to be so congruent that others believed them as well. I am a amazing businessman. I am totally honest in all my dealings. I am wealthy and powerful. I am a trustworthy, loving husband and father. He treated others "as if" they were wonderful also. He had the most amazing children. He had the most talented children. I was the the most beautiful, superior woman ever etc, etc, etc. Through language he reinforced these ideas so we would believe in ourselves. Unfortunately, this belief backfired since chronic lying tends to cast a wide net of doubt- we just couldn't trust him or anything he said. Not only did we not believe him, but we began we doubted the positive affirmations as well. Which is a shame, because many of these positive affirmations are often rooted in truth and had the power to transform.
I'm less doubtful these days especially regarding the transformation power of "I AM" statements. I still don't think I'll be sticking any index cards on my mirror, but I do believe in positive labels. I am a Latter-Day Saint, mother, musician, writer, recreation therapist. These are great labels. They are great affirmations but I think I still need more. At the same time, I also want to help others with their own positive affirmations. They might be addicts, criminals, liars or whatever-but I better not treat them like that. Rather, I'm going to treat you like a queen. I'm going to treat you like I think you're the greatest person ever. I might not be able to trust you now, but if I treat you with this unconditional positive regard, I think you may have a greater chance in being trustworthy. I love the principle of faith moving us towards positive action, especially when rooted in a deep and abiding faith in the Lord, Jesus Christ. I know with this kind of faith, we can do anything-even help us realize our I AM and YOU ARE affirmations.
Saturday, March 14, 2015
Cafeteria Rejection
This morning I was thinking about cafeteria rejection, or social rejection. This morning I woke up from a disturbing dream about traveling on the boat of an older Long Beach couple (I had known their daughter and son) and being left by them without a cell phone on a deserted San Diego Beach. I knew this couple could care less about me but I guess it was nice of them to leave me at a So. Cal. beach. Right? Instead of trying to describe the details of my bizarre dream, I tried to analyze why I had the dream in the first place. I believe it was about social rejection- people who didn't know me, didn't like me-or what is probably worse-were completely indifferent. Right away I knew why these feelings were rolling around in my subconscious waiting to manifest themselves in my dream; it was because how I felt during the banquet/cafeteria time at my recent URTA (Utah Recreation Therapy Association) conference. Bingo!
I've been to these conferences for the past 5 years. I see familiar faces-they are the leaders of our Utah group. Heck, the URTA president for 2 of those years is my own boss. If I ever had a chance to be in the "in" crowd it was during these past 5 years. All I had to do was start contributing-be on the board-help out with a committee-attend legislative sessions, join the national organization- do SOMETHING to advocate for my profession. But I didn't. I know the names of these leaders, but I know they don't know mine. I felt like I was advocating for my profession by attending these conferences, attending intern and best practices workshops, learning how to do my job well-basing it on sound philosophy, theories, and evidenced based practices, teaching interns. Nevertheless, though I have made inroads, I'm still not very connected to other professionals in my field. At least, evidenced by my search for a place to sit down in the cafeteria. I wandered around the ballroom for about 5 minutes trying to find someone to sit with. I could tell that even my intern didn't want to sit with me. I didn't want to bug my boss by sitting with friends. So I sat with strangers. I can make small talk with anyone, but I still felt like a social reject. On the bright side-the food was good.
I guess this feeling of "social rejection" is why I haven't been doing "Tinder" lately also. It really wasn't any big deal, but the fact the well-off short guy didn't want to get to know me better kind of hurt. And I suppose all those Tinder text conversations I opted out of, or didn't even start, didn't feel too great either for those parties involved. Here you say you "like" them by pressing on the heart and then there is no follow through. I'm not too good at follow through. Do I even care? Do I want to get to know them? Do I want to "like" them beyond pressing a green heart symbol? I think I figured out that I wasn't going to find anyone I liked well enough to invest my time and energy in. And if I did invest my time and energy in someone, perhaps they would get the wrong impression that I "liked" them but not enough to really commit. And then, maybe if I don't like them enough or at least as much as I liked my first husband, then I would be the one wielding the sharp dagger of social rejection. Did that before. Not fun and not fair. And yet, I don't want to be stranded on a deserted beach with no one to call.
So what to do? David Austin, our keynote speaker, put it best when he pointed about the differences between "customer" and "citizen" mentalities when approaching professional duties. Customers focus on own desires/wants, meet needs now, and expect services when investing time and money. Citizens focus on the common good, take a long term view, and contribute to a common cause. I don't quite know what this has to do with being a citizen in the dating community, but the path is clear regarding my professional and ecclesiastical duties. I don't think apathy in any of those arenas will do anyone, including myself, any good.
I suppose it's just another lesson teaching me to have more empathy for the social outcast. I know there are those who feel like outcasts as less active members of the church. I know I sometimes approach gospel living in a cafeteria style-picking and choosing what commandments to focus on at the moment. When attending church, I know it's not fun to walk in and try to figure out where to sit when you don't have family and don't really know people. However, I try to tell my children that the key to meaningful church participation is church service. The more we give, the more we get and the more we feel like we belong. At least that has been my experience. If I would have just showed up for church to listen all these years (like I show up to these URTA conferences) I would have died of boredom-literally! Rather, through teaching others the principles of the gospel and getting involved- I have come alive and felt connected to the main body of Christ. Paul preaches in Ephesians 2: 18-19:
For through him we both have access by one Spirit unto the Father
Though my part is small and ever changing-it is still a part and I belong. Through service as a citizen and not just a customer, I can be involved in a a cause greater than myself. And in so doing, I actually meet some of my "customer" needs as well. I know as a member of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints- I am known. I am cared for. I am loved. Rather than social rejection, I continue to feel acceptance and inclusion. I have someone to call. I have someone to care about. I have someone to sit with.
I've been to these conferences for the past 5 years. I see familiar faces-they are the leaders of our Utah group. Heck, the URTA president for 2 of those years is my own boss. If I ever had a chance to be in the "in" crowd it was during these past 5 years. All I had to do was start contributing-be on the board-help out with a committee-attend legislative sessions, join the national organization- do SOMETHING to advocate for my profession. But I didn't. I know the names of these leaders, but I know they don't know mine. I felt like I was advocating for my profession by attending these conferences, attending intern and best practices workshops, learning how to do my job well-basing it on sound philosophy, theories, and evidenced based practices, teaching interns. Nevertheless, though I have made inroads, I'm still not very connected to other professionals in my field. At least, evidenced by my search for a place to sit down in the cafeteria. I wandered around the ballroom for about 5 minutes trying to find someone to sit with. I could tell that even my intern didn't want to sit with me. I didn't want to bug my boss by sitting with friends. So I sat with strangers. I can make small talk with anyone, but I still felt like a social reject. On the bright side-the food was good.
I guess this feeling of "social rejection" is why I haven't been doing "Tinder" lately also. It really wasn't any big deal, but the fact the well-off short guy didn't want to get to know me better kind of hurt. And I suppose all those Tinder text conversations I opted out of, or didn't even start, didn't feel too great either for those parties involved. Here you say you "like" them by pressing on the heart and then there is no follow through. I'm not too good at follow through. Do I even care? Do I want to get to know them? Do I want to "like" them beyond pressing a green heart symbol? I think I figured out that I wasn't going to find anyone I liked well enough to invest my time and energy in. And if I did invest my time and energy in someone, perhaps they would get the wrong impression that I "liked" them but not enough to really commit. And then, maybe if I don't like them enough or at least as much as I liked my first husband, then I would be the one wielding the sharp dagger of social rejection. Did that before. Not fun and not fair. And yet, I don't want to be stranded on a deserted beach with no one to call.
So what to do? David Austin, our keynote speaker, put it best when he pointed about the differences between "customer" and "citizen" mentalities when approaching professional duties. Customers focus on own desires/wants, meet needs now, and expect services when investing time and money. Citizens focus on the common good, take a long term view, and contribute to a common cause. I don't quite know what this has to do with being a citizen in the dating community, but the path is clear regarding my professional and ecclesiastical duties. I don't think apathy in any of those arenas will do anyone, including myself, any good.
I suppose it's just another lesson teaching me to have more empathy for the social outcast. I know there are those who feel like outcasts as less active members of the church. I know I sometimes approach gospel living in a cafeteria style-picking and choosing what commandments to focus on at the moment. When attending church, I know it's not fun to walk in and try to figure out where to sit when you don't have family and don't really know people. However, I try to tell my children that the key to meaningful church participation is church service. The more we give, the more we get and the more we feel like we belong. At least that has been my experience. If I would have just showed up for church to listen all these years (like I show up to these URTA conferences) I would have died of boredom-literally! Rather, through teaching others the principles of the gospel and getting involved- I have come alive and felt connected to the main body of Christ. Paul preaches in Ephesians 2: 18-19:
For through him we both have access by one Spirit unto the Father
Now therefore ye are no more strangers and foreigners, but fellow-citizens with the saints, and of the household of God;
Sunday, March 8, 2015
Left Alone in the Cold vs. Caring
This morning I was thinking about being left alone in the cold verses caring. On Friday, I was so full of cares that I carelessly left a student back at camp/cabins and had to double back quickly to get her. And this was the gal I had just a few hours prior tried to assuage her hysteria about peers by reminding her, "I care about YOU!" Though I was fortunate other staff were still at the campsite, I still replay events leading up to this mistake trying to auto-correct. It's only fair I beat myself up for letting important matters slip through the cracks-especially since these kids are in my care and I'm responsible for their safety. The line of the song from "Into the Woods" keeps going through my mind:"People make mistakes-terrible mistakes-holding to their own-thinking they're alone." How did I hold to my own? Did I think I was alone? I know the student felt alone when she was freaking out saying nobody wanted to be her friend. I know she felt alone when the van with all her peers was no longer in the parking lot. When arriving on the scene, all I could do was roll down the window and say, We LOVE you! We came back for you! You are so important!- now get in the van!"
The funny thing was 95% of the camp trip was absolutely care free- the weather was perfect, NOT COLD, I had plenty of staff, the activities were going off without a hitch, the girls were actually getting along- that is until the last hour-then everything unraveled. Though I had delegated certain cabin/bathroom cleaning and supervision tasks, I didn't quite communicate them properly because I literally felt like a chicken with its' head cut off running around by myself in utter chaos while breaking up fights, calming down defiant, angry kids, barking out directions, administering noon meds, holding ice to a head to a bleeding-wailing girl who face planted while running around, throwing gear into the van, and trying to prepare for camp check out. The girls were done helping but there was still too much left undone. It was getting late and staff were anxious about missing important commitments. And all the while, kid after kid approached me with their "urgent" requests for help. I wanted to help-I wanted to give care according to their needs. All I knew was that I needed to get out of there- NOW and get back. We arrived safely back to campus, even though a student filled up a barf bag on the way...we made it!
So this is life. Left to my own devices-or trying to do things on my own doesn't work too well. No matter how noble the desire to give care, I fall short. I'm trying to be a better team player and improve leadership skills.This weekend I spent a lot of time alone putting gear away, carefully cleaning up, trying to put the Humpty-Dumpty aspects of my life back together. I do not want to "hold to my own or think I'm alone." I don't think anyone wants to be left out in the cold. Symbolically, I sometimes leave others out in the cold. I inadvertently leave them hanging, even if it's just because I'm wrapped up in my own momentary chaos. I could tell my daughter felt like she was left in the cold by not being available for her phone call while driving through the canyon. My sister felt like she was left in the cold when I didn't respond to her text messages this week. It was important for me to symbolically double back, show up, roll down the window and say, "I love and care about you- I'm here now." So one of the first things I did when getting back to campus was to plop down in my office chair and listen to my daughter on the phone as she described her dilemmas. Yesterday I called my sister and started planning a get-away for her birthday. I don't want to be so full of cares that I'm careless, Rather I want to CARE, not thinking I'm alone or leaving others out in the cold.
The funny thing was 95% of the camp trip was absolutely care free- the weather was perfect, NOT COLD, I had plenty of staff, the activities were going off without a hitch, the girls were actually getting along- that is until the last hour-then everything unraveled. Though I had delegated certain cabin/bathroom cleaning and supervision tasks, I didn't quite communicate them properly because I literally felt like a chicken with its' head cut off running around by myself in utter chaos while breaking up fights, calming down defiant, angry kids, barking out directions, administering noon meds, holding ice to a head to a bleeding-wailing girl who face planted while running around, throwing gear into the van, and trying to prepare for camp check out. The girls were done helping but there was still too much left undone. It was getting late and staff were anxious about missing important commitments. And all the while, kid after kid approached me with their "urgent" requests for help. I wanted to help-I wanted to give care according to their needs. All I knew was that I needed to get out of there- NOW and get back. We arrived safely back to campus, even though a student filled up a barf bag on the way...we made it!
So this is life. Left to my own devices-or trying to do things on my own doesn't work too well. No matter how noble the desire to give care, I fall short. I'm trying to be a better team player and improve leadership skills.This weekend I spent a lot of time alone putting gear away, carefully cleaning up, trying to put the Humpty-Dumpty aspects of my life back together. I do not want to "hold to my own or think I'm alone." I don't think anyone wants to be left out in the cold. Symbolically, I sometimes leave others out in the cold. I inadvertently leave them hanging, even if it's just because I'm wrapped up in my own momentary chaos. I could tell my daughter felt like she was left in the cold by not being available for her phone call while driving through the canyon. My sister felt like she was left in the cold when I didn't respond to her text messages this week. It was important for me to symbolically double back, show up, roll down the window and say, "I love and care about you- I'm here now." So one of the first things I did when getting back to campus was to plop down in my office chair and listen to my daughter on the phone as she described her dilemmas. Yesterday I called my sister and started planning a get-away for her birthday. I don't want to be so full of cares that I'm careless, Rather I want to CARE, not thinking I'm alone or leaving others out in the cold.
Sunday, March 1, 2015
Expected/Unexpected Drops
This morning I was thinking about the expected/unexpected snowstorm; expected, because it is IS winter, I think; unexpected because we haven't had such a dry winter in the 32 years I've been in this state. I mean, I'm from California-so I don't need snow to be happy like these Utah people-but I do need water (especially for my bath ritual) and every little drop makes a difference. The snow will have quite an impact on my upcoming "winter" camp outs with the students this week-maybe I won't have to resort to plan B spring-like activities and actually have enough snow to sled. The snow yesterday also had an impact on my highway travels as I attempted to meet expectations and be 4 different places at the same time. I had it expertly planned out; I would swing by my aunt's for a short visit, hit a best friend's son's reception in Salt Lake, make an appearance at the work party in Provo and end with another wedding reception in Alpine. As I was traveling on the roads with the snow pelting my windshield I started to laugh at myself at my stupidity. Who would really even miss me if I died from an unexpected car accident
in this snow storm? I was driving way too fast in a effort to meet my self imposed
expectations-to get there-show up-make an appearance. Did I really think I was that important that my contributions would be missed? Probably not- all my gestures to show support and love are just another drop in the bucket. Does this couple really need my simple wedding gift? Do my aunt and
uncle need a drop by visit? Does my son's friend really need one more
person giving him and hug and telling him how proud we are of his wise
choices? Do I really have to show up at this work party just because HR and my clinical director said I should? Their "should go" comments let me know my attendance was expected. It also got me thinking that I might be receiving some type of recognition.
Expecting recognition is such a vain endeavor. Especially when there are so many people in my work organization so deserving of recognition are unappreciated, devalued, demoted, written up, forced into retirement, and even fired. People give so much and often don't expect anything in return-they just give and give-drop by drop. And here I am- showing up late to the dinner party with a ballroom full of people, stuffing food in my face, and thinking-I need to get this award thing over so I can get to my son's best friend's wedding send off. But I soon realized that this shin-dig was a big deal and I was expected to stay in my seat-listen to our CEO's presentation of our collective accomplishments, cheer on my cohorts, and show support. There was an unseen expectation-I should stay.
As they started to give out the awards and show the slide show, I started to doubt that I was one of the 30 recipients. After all, no one had come to take a special picture of me or include a personalized quote as the winners seemed to have. Perhaps I had misunderstood the HR/Clinical Director expectation- maybe they were just encouraging everyone to go because it was important to show support. How silly of me to even think I was winning an award. I'm such a silly prima donna. It took me back to all those high school days of being nominated for Homecoming Queen, or Basketball princess, or Hall of Fame, etc, etc...and waiting for my name to be called...and it wasn't. I was nominated and recognized-but never won. No crown for me. You should have heard my internal dialogue. I was also ashamed for even wanting recognition and some public outpouring of love. At the same time, I have so much self-love that I was warring with my doubting voices saying that even if I'm overlooked-I am deserving. I contribute by golly. My little drop has ripples of influence-this I know. And no little glass trophy is going to make a difference in my commitment to do what I can to make a difference in the workplace. It was a dumb conversation going on while my internal clock kept ticking reminding me I needed to get out of there-off to meeting my next expectation.
I ended up being recognized, even though I was awkward when receiving the award. It was nice and I'm glad to be included in the "winners circle" for a brief moment. I slipped out as soon as I could and called my son, knowing I had missed the reception. Lucky for me, the groom got on the phone and I was able to tell him that I loved him and was so happy for him. That's what I wanted to communicate personally with a hug. My brief shout out was all I could do at this point. I LOVE YOU-that's my drop. I give you my best. I give you my all. I give you what I have to give. All my feeble contributions are just ways to say, "I love you-you are important to me."
I'm trying to do what I can do-which may not be much-but it's still my drop. It reminds me of a great quote by Mother Teresa included in Jeffrey Holland's General Conference address.
“What we do is nothing but a drop in the ocean,” she would say on another occasion. “But if we didn’t do it, the ocean would be one drop less [than it is].”
Whether a drop, or an unexpected-expected snowflake it might be noticed, or silently fall, but regardless, it makes an impact-even if it's just to meet the expectation to love God and love my fellow man. Many times a drop is accompanied by unexpected sensation of feeling God's love in return-and THAT drop, waters my heart.
Expecting recognition is such a vain endeavor. Especially when there are so many people in my work organization so deserving of recognition are unappreciated, devalued, demoted, written up, forced into retirement, and even fired. People give so much and often don't expect anything in return-they just give and give-drop by drop. And here I am- showing up late to the dinner party with a ballroom full of people, stuffing food in my face, and thinking-I need to get this award thing over so I can get to my son's best friend's wedding send off. But I soon realized that this shin-dig was a big deal and I was expected to stay in my seat-listen to our CEO's presentation of our collective accomplishments, cheer on my cohorts, and show support. There was an unseen expectation-I should stay.
As they started to give out the awards and show the slide show, I started to doubt that I was one of the 30 recipients. After all, no one had come to take a special picture of me or include a personalized quote as the winners seemed to have. Perhaps I had misunderstood the HR/Clinical Director expectation- maybe they were just encouraging everyone to go because it was important to show support. How silly of me to even think I was winning an award. I'm such a silly prima donna. It took me back to all those high school days of being nominated for Homecoming Queen, or Basketball princess, or Hall of Fame, etc, etc...and waiting for my name to be called...and it wasn't. I was nominated and recognized-but never won. No crown for me. You should have heard my internal dialogue. I was also ashamed for even wanting recognition and some public outpouring of love. At the same time, I have so much self-love that I was warring with my doubting voices saying that even if I'm overlooked-I am deserving. I contribute by golly. My little drop has ripples of influence-this I know. And no little glass trophy is going to make a difference in my commitment to do what I can to make a difference in the workplace. It was a dumb conversation going on while my internal clock kept ticking reminding me I needed to get out of there-off to meeting my next expectation.
I ended up being recognized, even though I was awkward when receiving the award. It was nice and I'm glad to be included in the "winners circle" for a brief moment. I slipped out as soon as I could and called my son, knowing I had missed the reception. Lucky for me, the groom got on the phone and I was able to tell him that I loved him and was so happy for him. That's what I wanted to communicate personally with a hug. My brief shout out was all I could do at this point. I LOVE YOU-that's my drop. I give you my best. I give you my all. I give you what I have to give. All my feeble contributions are just ways to say, "I love you-you are important to me."
I'm trying to do what I can do-which may not be much-but it's still my drop. It reminds me of a great quote by Mother Teresa included in Jeffrey Holland's General Conference address.
“What we do is nothing but a drop in the ocean,” she would say on another occasion. “But if we didn’t do it, the ocean would be one drop less [than it is].”
Whether a drop, or an unexpected-expected snowflake it might be noticed, or silently fall, but regardless, it makes an impact-even if it's just to meet the expectation to love God and love my fellow man. Many times a drop is accompanied by unexpected sensation of feeling God's love in return-and THAT drop, waters my heart.
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