Cafeteria Rejection

This morning I was thinking about cafeteria rejection, or social rejection.  This morning I woke up from a disturbing dream about traveling on the boat of an older Long Beach couple (I had known their daughter and son) and being left by them without a cell phone on a deserted San Diego Beach.  I knew this couple could care less about me but I guess it was nice of them to leave me at a  So. Cal. beach.  Right?   Instead of trying to describe the details of my bizarre dream, I tried to analyze why I had the dream in the first place.  I believe it was about social rejection- people who didn't know me, didn't like me-or what is probably worse-were completely indifferent.  Right away I knew why these feelings were rolling around in my subconscious waiting to manifest themselves in my dream;  it was because how I felt during the banquet/cafeteria time at my recent URTA (Utah Recreation Therapy Association) conference.  Bingo!

I've been to these conferences for the past 5 years.  I see familiar faces-they are the leaders of our Utah group.  Heck, the URTA president for 2 of those years is my own boss.  If I ever had a chance to be in the "in" crowd it was during these past 5 years.  All I had to do was start contributing-be on the board-help out with a committee-attend legislative sessions, join the national organization- do SOMETHING to advocate for my profession. But I didn't. I know the names of these leaders, but I know they don't know mine. I felt like I was advocating for my profession by attending these conferences, attending intern and best practices workshops, learning how to do my job well-basing it on sound philosophy, theories, and evidenced based practices, teaching interns.  Nevertheless, though I have made inroads, I'm still not very connected to other professionals in my field.  At least, evidenced by my search for a place to sit down in the cafeteria. I wandered around the ballroom for about 5 minutes trying to find someone to sit with.  I could tell that even my intern didn't want to sit with me.  I didn't want to bug my boss by sitting with friends.  So I sat with strangers.  I can make small talk with anyone, but I still felt like a social reject.  On the bright side-the food was good.

I guess this feeling of "social rejection" is why I haven't been doing "Tinder" lately also.  It really wasn't any big deal, but the fact the well-off short guy didn't want to get to know me better kind of hurt. And I suppose all those Tinder text conversations I opted out of, or didn't even start, didn't feel too great either for those parties involved.  Here you say you "like" them by pressing on the heart and then there is no follow through.  I'm not too good at follow through.  Do I even care?  Do I want to get to know them?  Do I want to "like" them beyond pressing a green heart symbol? I think I figured out that I wasn't going to find anyone I liked well enough to invest my time and energy in.  And if I did invest my time and energy in someone, perhaps they would get the wrong impression that I "liked" them but not enough to really commit.  And then, maybe if I don't like them enough or at least as much as I liked my first husband, then I would be the one wielding the sharp dagger of social rejection.  Did that before.  Not fun and not fair.  And yet, I don't want to be stranded on a deserted beach with no one to call.

So what to do?  David Austin, our keynote speaker, put it best when he pointed about the differences between "customer" and "citizen" mentalities when approaching professional duties.  Customers focus on own desires/wants, meet needs now, and expect services when investing time and money.  Citizens focus on the common good, take a long term view, and contribute to a common cause.  I don't quite know what this has to do with being a citizen in the dating community, but the path is clear regarding my professional and ecclesiastical duties. I don't think apathy in any of those arenas will do anyone, including myself, any good.   

 I suppose it's just another lesson teaching me to have more empathy for the social outcast.  I know there are those who feel like outcasts as less active members of the church.  I know I sometimes approach gospel living in a cafeteria style-picking and choosing what commandments to focus on at the moment.  When attending church, I know it's not fun to walk in and try to figure out where to sit when you don't have family and don't really know people. However,  I try to tell my children that the key to meaningful church participation is church service.  The more we give, the more we get and the more we feel like we belong.  At least that has been my experience.  If I would have just showed up for church to listen all these years (like I show up to these URTA conferences) I would have died of boredom-literally!  Rather, through teaching others the principles of the gospel and getting involved- I have come alive and felt connected to the main body of Christ.  Paul preaches in Ephesians 2: 18-19:
 For through him we both have access by one Spirit unto the Father

Now therefore ye are no more strangers and foreigners, but fellow-citizens with the saints, and of the household of God;

Though my part is small and ever changing-it is still a part and I belong. Through service as a citizen and not just a customer, I can be involved in a a cause greater than myself.  And in so doing, I actually meet some of my "customer" needs as well.  I know as a member of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints- I am known.  I am cared for.  I am loved.  Rather than social rejection, I continue to feel acceptance and inclusion.  I have someone to call.  I have someone to care about.   I have someone to sit with.