Expected/Unexpected Drops

 This morning I was thinking about the expected/unexpected snowstorm; expected, because it is IS winter, I think; unexpected because we haven't had such a dry winter in the 32 years I've been in this state. I mean, I'm from California-so I don't need snow to be happy like these Utah people-but I do need water (especially for my bath ritual) and every little drop makes a difference.  The snow will have quite an impact on my upcoming "winter" camp outs with the students this week-maybe I won't have to resort to plan B spring-like activities and actually have enough snow to sled.  The snow yesterday also had an impact on my highway travels as I attempted to meet expectations and be 4 different places at the same time. I had it expertly planned out;  I would swing by my aunt's for a short visit, hit a best friend's son's reception in Salt Lake, make an appearance at the work party in Provo and end with another wedding reception in Alpine.  As I was traveling on the roads with the snow pelting my windshield I started to laugh at myself at my stupidity. Who would really even miss me if I died from an unexpected car accident in this snow storm? I was driving way too fast in a effort to meet my self imposed expectations-to get there-show up-make an appearance.  Did I really think I was that important that my contributions would be missed?  Probably not- all my gestures to show support and love are just another drop in the bucket.  Does this couple really need my simple wedding gift?  Do my aunt and uncle need a drop by visit? Does my son's friend really need one more person giving him and hug and telling him how proud we are of his wise choices?  Do I really have to show up at this work party just because HR and my clinical director said I should?  Their "should go" comments let me know my attendance was expected.  It  also got me thinking that I might be receiving some type of recognition. 

Expecting recognition is such a vain endeavor.   Especially when there are so many people in my work organization so deserving of recognition are unappreciated, devalued, demoted,  written up, forced into retirement, and even fired.  People give so much and often don't expect anything in return-they just give and give-drop by drop.  And here I am- showing up late to the dinner party with a ballroom full of people, stuffing food in my face, and thinking-I need to get this award thing over so I can get to my son's best friend's wedding send off.  But I soon realized that this shin-dig was a big deal and I was expected to stay in my seat-listen to our CEO's presentation of our collective accomplishments, cheer on my cohorts, and show support.  There was an unseen expectation-I should stay.

As they started to give out the awards and show the slide show, I started to doubt that I was one of the 30 recipients.  After all, no one had come to take a special picture of me or include a personalized quote as the winners seemed to have.  Perhaps I had misunderstood the HR/Clinical Director expectation- maybe they were just encouraging everyone to go because it was important to show support.  How silly of me to even think I was winning an award.  I'm such a silly prima donna.  It took me back to all those high school days of being nominated for Homecoming Queen, or Basketball princess, or Hall of Fame, etc, etc...and waiting for my name to be called...and it wasn't.  I was nominated and recognized-but never won. No crown for me. You should have heard my internal dialogue.  I was also ashamed for even wanting recognition and some public outpouring of love.  At the same time, I have so much self-love that I was warring with my doubting voices saying that even if I'm overlooked-I am deserving.  I contribute by golly.  My little drop has ripples of influence-this I know.   And no little glass trophy is going to make a difference in my commitment to do what I can to make a difference in the workplace. It was a dumb conversation going on while my internal clock kept ticking reminding me I needed to get out of there-off to meeting my next expectation.

I ended up being recognized, even though I was awkward when receiving the award. It was nice and I'm glad to be included in the "winners circle" for a brief moment.  I slipped out as soon as I could and called my son, knowing  I had missed the reception.  Lucky for me, the groom got on the phone and I was able to tell him that I loved him and was so happy for him.  That's what I wanted to communicate personally with a hug.  My brief shout out was all I could do at this point.  I LOVE YOU-that's my drop.   I give you my best.  I give you my all.  I give you what I have to give.  All my feeble contributions are just ways to say, "I love you-you are important to me."

I'm trying to do what I can do-which may not be much-but it's still my drop.   It reminds me of a great quote by Mother Teresa included in Jeffrey Holland's General Conference address.   
 “What we do is nothing but a drop in the ocean,” she would say on another occasion. “But if we didn’t do it, the ocean would be one drop less [than it is].”

Whether a drop, or an unexpected-expected snowflake it might be noticed, or silently fall, but regardless, it makes an impact-even if it's just to meet the expectation to love God and love my fellow man. Many times a drop is accompanied by unexpected sensation of feeling God's love in return-and THAT drop, waters my heart.