Ado Annie and Kissing

I remember going to musicals with my mom as an early adolescent and seeing "Oklahoma" for the first time.  I was especially drawn to the character of "Ado Annie" and dreamed of playing that part someday.  My high school decided to do Oklahoma during my senior year and I tried out for "Ado Annie" and got the role.  It was a surprise to everyone, but for me it was a fulfillment of my childhood dream. One of the humorous aspects of this on stage role was how different it was from the persona I created in high school.  Most people knew I was a goody-goody cheerleader that rarely kissed anyone-let alone being the red dressed floozy who pranced around singing, "I Caint' Say 'No'.  In fact my "no kissing reputation" and informally staged "door step routine"made the rounds around the school. a star basketball player had heard the tale but was determined to get a kiss when he took me out on a date. He heard how I would take the guy to my door step where I would feign surprise that my front door was locked.  Then I would leave the guy on the doorstep and run around and let myself in the backdoor and then open the front door from the inside NOW safely protected by the barrier between us (the door) to say our good-byes.  It worked every time and thwarted many an awkward "should I kiss him moment" (well, except for the time with the BBall player who stuck foot in the door and swooped in for a kiss)

This whole door step routine originated from teenage drama trauma associated with my very first kiss at age 15 on my very first official date.  My best friend had previously coached me about giving him a kiss to say goodbye.  At the doorstep, my date went in for a french kiss and I was completely unprepared.  I told him, "I don't know how to do that."  He then responded, "Do you want me to teach you?" and I said "No."  So I gave him a quick peck on the lips and bounced in the house (the front door was not locked at that time) to retell the events of the night to my friend.  According to me, the date had gone well.  According to my date- he felt insulted that I had NOT kissed him.  Being the popular guy he was, he spread our little kissing adventure throughout the school until I was approached by all sorts of people asking me why I hadn't "really" kissed him.  Besides being humiliated I was ANGRY and thought, "Fine, I'll show you what 'not kissing' is.  And I did, for the next 3 years.  I kissed no-one.  Even guys I liked. Well, except for all those stage kisses as Ado Annie.

So what the heck does this have to do with a 50 year old woman and my recent  failed marriage?  One day last year I was driving back from work and realized that I really was like "Ado Annie"- I CAN'T SAY NO!  I started to laugh.  I've learned all sorts of things about myself during the last 2 years including the fact that I'm a little red dressed floozy.  One time when I was preparing for a night out with my new boyfriend I was actually drawn to a tight red dress.  I wanted to wear it.  And I wanted his arms around me feeling that red dress.  Interesting.

I remember the moment of decision regarding our first kiss.  No door step routine here.  He asked if I would date him exclusively.  I thought I better see if there was any chemistry and how it felt kissing him before committing myself as his "girlfriend."  So I went to kiss him.  His lips felt foreign-very different than my first husband.  But after 2 HOURS of kissing later, It felt extremely comfortable.  I had never just kissed ANYONE for 2 hours.  It was fun.  I was attracted to him and ultimately joined with him in marriage.

Knowing what I know now, I've decided that I can't kiss anyone if I decide to date again.  Or at least, not till after I have dated them for years until I'm pretty sure we're going to get married. For me, kissing clouds my judgement. And I can't be stupid.  Ado Annie was not known for being smart or even aware.  So, it's back to the doorstep routine-though I know I will be much more upfront about it.  No sneaking around, no physical barriers, just honesty letting others know what to expect.  Just the word, "No."  Unlike Ado Annie, I have to have limits and adhere to them to protect myself, but also to protect the heart of those I could hurt.  I know I really hurt the heart of my dear 2nd husband.  It was not fair to him.  I CAN say NO.