Having chosen to get married and divorced in the space of a little over a year, I have to have a reason-right? I know my choices have caused others to scratch their heads saying, "huh?" Perhaps my reasons don't make any sense to others, nonetheless, I suppose I don't choose to do anything haphazardly-there is usually an explanation. Most of my reasons have something to do with my beliefs.
I got married because I was attracted to a man physically, and spiritually. At the time, I only had 2 marriage requirements-that the guy be someone who loved the Lord and someone I was attracted to. With this attraction I naturally wanted to join with him. Because of my belief that sexual relations should be kept within the bounds of marriage- I went to the courthouse for a quick civil marriage. Attraction was stronger than I had imagined and I also wanted to keep my temple recommend which requires personal worthiness in terms of sexual morality. I felt "right" about marrying this man and I was willing to take a risk, even if it eventually failed.
I got divorced because I did not feel "right" about being sealed to this man. I was willing to consider being "sealed" to him and having to cancel my previous temple sealing, but it was contingent upon the bond between us. Though I was attracted to this man and we built a bond that strengthened with our association, it did not feel like the bond I had previously enjoyed with my former husband. That is not to say that I'm still feeling a strong bond, or I'm in LOVE with my former husband. I'm just talking about emotional bonds and my experience with them. Many people today talk about being with their soul mate forever, however, in the Latter Day Saint Temples, marriage is an actual covenant with this promise of being able to be with our families forever. It is a priesthood ordinance, done with authority and permission of God himself that makes is so much more than just a passing phrase- I want to be with you for all eternity.
Finally why did I stay connected for so long, or so short (depending on your perspective). I would have never considered marrying someone so different than myself as a young adult. But through the years, I have learned about and experienced the power of 2nd chances. That people can and do change. That the atonement is real and forgiveness crucial to our own happiness. Following Jesus Christ continually gives us a chance to begin again through repentance. I want to believe in people. I want to give people a chance as I want to be given a chance. I want to be accepted and accept others. This is a crucial aspect of being loved and loving another human being. Another key element is service. Each day I made a choice to love. I choose this day to love you no matter what and to serve you-do what I can to help. I feel it is never a mistake to love someone.
With all these REASONS, I'm not trying to justify the hurt I have caused because of my haphazard decisions. I just wanted to say that I really don't think they are haphazard. My first boyfriend said, "Erin you THINK too much." and perhaps he's right. Or at least I want to think-frequently. I want to examine my choices and learn from them. I want to make necessary changes and do things differently.
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