My period finally came this week. It was a big deal, just because as a almost 51 year old woman, I thought it stopped for good. It kind of scared me. Mostly because I know my body is going to make some big physiological changes when it does stop and it will also be difficult to lose those extra pounds that I have packed on in the past few years. In some ways I almost felt like it was an additional curse for getting divorced. I'm not a "real woman" anymore. All those things are silly I know. Every woman knows dealing with her period for 40 years is its own curse. It certainly isn't a pleasant thing-it's a bloody mess. (oops I just think I cussed in Britain talk).
The presence and absence of my period has meant different things through out my life-it's also been a great symbol of LIFE itself. A girl remembers when her first period came. I was wearing my lime green dittos sitting in my boring English teachers class. I had to drape something around myself but I was happy- My life was changing. My mom told me I was becoming a woman-whatever that meant. I just knew it was part of being a girl- and I was now in a very special club-a club of pain and hassle, and interesting changes in my body, but a club nonetheless.
As a young married gal, my period brought big tears-it was a sign of infertility. I wanted so desperately to be a mother. Each month my period represented my body's failure-my failure to create life. So when I did NOT have my period, it's absence was a victory. I remember keeping the little pregnancy test from the doctor-it was just a happy, happy event. The absence of blood was a sign of LIFE.
Later as a mother of 5 children, the monthly period was a giant sign of relief. Phew, I'm NOT pregnant! I was so happy! I was trying to deal with the little lives in my care already and did not want an additional life to tip the scales of my personal sanity. It was not easy dealing with the monthly emotional roller coaster ride. It wasn't like my challenges were any different during my period, but my capacity to deal with them was diminished. Whether it was yelling or crying or a intense need for chocolate-everyone knew that my period was coming. I had the 20/20 hindsight when it finally came-"Oh that's why I was an emotional mess the last couple of days."
As an older woman past her child bearing years (or at least because I had my tubes tied after my 5th child) my period was a symbol of the whole process of childbirth. Since I knew exactly how it felt, the period was a reminder of the the life giving force of womanhood. Each month was like a delivery- my water would break, there would be contractions, there would be blood, and bits and pieces of that lovely uterine wall. I know it sounds gross-but in many ways it was miraculous. Even as a soaked underclothing and it turned pink- it reminded me that I was a girl. Pink is pretty. Pink is being a girl.
Being married as a 50 year old, when my period didn't come after honeymoon activities, I felt HORROR about the possibility of having a child. It was a sinking feeling (very different the young mommy stage). The absence of my period caused me to deeply examine the nature of my relationship with my husband and the purposes of the power of procreation. Though we felt like teenagers who had done something wrong when buying a pregnancy test in the supermarket- I had to know. I had to get rid of the intense stress. Luckily my tubal and his vasectomy held true-and there was no baby. I had a new appreciation for MY LIFE and MY FREEDOM to choose.
So now, I'm sure my period is on it's way out. But I so appreciate the power of life within me for the moment. I'm not super into blood. But blood is symbolic for life. The Hebrew meaning of "Eve" means LIFE. Before she ever had any children, she was called Eve because she was the mother of all living. It is that potential for life and the nurturing of life that is such a powerful force in the life of a woman. It is such a privilege to be a woman-to love and to lead. To nurture LIFE in all its forms I love being a woman. I love life. (period!)
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