This morning I was thinking about last weekend and labels inadvertently slapped on me by others and myself. Labels such as still having an "aching heart" (from x husband in prison) being a "misfit toy" and one of the masses of "messed up" people (singles acquaintance) or even being spoken to as if I was the most broken woman in the family due to past soap opera events (relative). I know these labels weren't intentional, but their letters, words, or looks represented how they viewed me. And that's OK-I guess I'm becoming more comfortable allowing others to think whatever they want-they are free. I don't necessarily have to buy into it. I don't have to even care. I don't have to correct them to maintain dignity and self-respect. In one instance I did correct it when I stopped dancing and stated in a loud voice over the music,"I am not messed up." And even though others might not agree, that's my truth.
Well I actually corrected the relative too. My response was influenced by the powerful sacrament meeting preceding the family gathering. We attended the meeting together to listen to my niece's returned missionary report. It was such a powerful meeting. The first speaker highlighted the reasons why we "really" come to church- to cleanse and heal our broken, spotted hearts. It was followed by a "pull on your heartstrings" cello-piano arrangement of a sacrament hymn. Then punctuated by my sweet niece as she looked into the congregation and asked, "Can you feel it?" Though recently released, she was still being the missionary helping others recognize and feel the Spirit. The spirit of the Lord was strong in that meeting and it carried a witness of the truth. So I guess it was no surprise when I looked at my relative and testified, I'm doing fine-really. Though once broken, I feel healed. I really do. And whatever comes my way to mess up my heart again, I know where to go to get it put back together. And not even that, I want a whole new heart. And that's why I go to church each week. It is a great hospital, but even though we may go in broken- we can come out healed.
Perhaps I'm just fooling myself. Maybe I'm not healed. Maybe I haven't sufficiently processed all my trauma with the right authorities or therapists. I've been told I'm avoidant and bury my head in the sand- a lot. So what? Whatever, the cause of the "healed" feeling (and I do believe it comes from God) I'm not going to doubt it. Cause with IT I feel I can move forward with greater faith. Without it, getting sucked back to the past feels dark and confusing I can't solve all the problems in the world. Heck, I can't even solve my own problems. I may not ever know what "really" happened or have an accurate grasp of what is going on in the present, or a perfect forecast for the future. But, it doesn't matter. Because right now- I feel whole. Now that's the label I want smack dab in the middle of my forehead each week-whole.
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