This morning I was thinking about 3 events that "happened" this week. Through choices I make things happen-I ACT, while other people's choices make things happen that effect me -ACTED UPON. (2 Nephi 2:26)
1st Event: Upon returning by carpool from an awesome water ski day, I discovered my car was broken-dead in the grocery store parking lot. It turned out to be the fuel pump,etc.to the tune of $350. Not fun. Maybe it was my fault for having less than 1/4 tank of gas in it, or maybe it was destined to break. Either way- it set a precedence for the rest of the week.
2nd Event: While driving to work in my beat up bug (since I had just put the other car in the shop) I got pulled over for a) not having working tail lights, b) not wearing a seat-belt, and C) incorrect address on my license. I think it was the first time I didn't have an adrenaline rush when I saw the colored lights. I don't know why. Maybe I'm becoming more accepting of bad things-or stressful stuff. Who knows? Either way, I just closed my eyes, soaked up the sun from the window that won't roll up, and tried to focus on my my breathing while being written up by the officer. When he returned, he gave me a written "warning" since I appeared to be having a "bad day". I started crying as I thanked the officer. I was proud of myself for not crying while giving excuses when he pulled me over. Nevertheless, I appreciated being given a break-a tender mercy.
3rd Event: A few days later, AFTER fixing all the above mentioned violations, when driving home from work I got rear ended. I suppose driving around in a car that looks like a bumper car doesn't help. It really wasn't too much more than a "love tap" (Jerry O'Malley speak) but it jolted me and gave my bumper a good work out. The guy said he had looked down for a second and didn't see me. We surveyed the damage and didn't exchange phone numbers. However, as I drove away I started bawling in reaction to my chain of thoughts. Whether it was my upbringing, or my marriages, or just my soap-opera life history, deep down I think I deserve to have bad things happen to me. Perhaps I even attract it. I don't know. I know my actions have hurt others and the actions of my closest family members, whether husband or children have also caused great hurt. Ultimately I feel responsible, in part, for the hurt. Maybe it's a knee jerk reaction in antithesis to family members who blame everything on everyone else, instead of looking in the mirror and trying to accept some sliver of responsibility. So as retribution, I guess I think it's just fair when I get hurt. Maybe it balances the grand scale in some way. I don't know.
4th Event: Last event, was on Thursday, while getting into that same beat up green bug , I found an anonymous and magnanimous gift of $200 (I guess that broken window comes in handy). It was wrapped up in a piece of paper addressed to me saying "I thought you might need this." signed "from a friend." I started to cry-again. I so appreciate this person's kindness. When it's done anonymously, all I can do is thank God for his loving care. Though the $200 was used for my stupid car bill, I still cried thinking how I don't really "deserve" this gift. It is needed-yes. Wanted- yes-but I'm not really "worthy" of these blessings.
Oh how I want to be worthy! Being worthy is different than being loved. I know I am loved, completely accepted and treasured by my maker. In addition to being loved, I also want to please God.. I know He desires for me ALL blessings prepared for the faithful.. I must exercise faith in Him. And before I go into a discourse of faith vs. works and Mormon perfectionist anxiety or whatever, I have to confess in that same wallet with my driver's license (now updated with the CORRECT address) I also carry my temple recommend. I just recently renewed it. During the temple recommend interview, the last question the priesthood leader (representing the Lord) asks is "Do you feel worthy in every way to enter the House of the Lord? And you know what? That broken down VW Beetle girl thinking she deserves "bad" things responded in the affirmative. And what's interesting is I totally believe it. I'm not perfect, but I'm worthy.
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