NAILED IT!

This morning I was thinking about the phrase "Nailed It" as it relates to judgment, more specifically the resurrection and final judgment.

This week I had the privilege helping my daughter with her new baby as well as giving special attention to her older toddler son.  After the babes were sleeping, she introduced me to a baking contest show called, "Nailed It."  I had never seen this humorous spoof on baking competitions as a master baker challenged each contestant to create a ridiculously ambitious pastry, cookie or cake.  These contestants had no formal training experience, or competence but liked to bake or were at least willing to follow basic instructions outlined by the show.  Perhaps the most impressive quality each contestant possessed was their ability to keep trying through this unique challenge.  Also impressive was their strict adherence to time constraints while covering their work without complaining.  Finally, each contestant one by one exclaimed, "NAILED IT!' as they enthusiastically revealed their creation. The real humor lay in the side by side comparison of what they were suppose to create and what they actually did create.  Hilarious!!!

 I'm sure it helps to have the show facilitated by a comedian.  I appreciated each of the three judges ability to focus on the positive even though the results were often disastrous and deserving of the harshest criticism. That cake sucks man. You did a horrible job.  You call that a cake? I admit, sometimes, they do spit the cake out but on the whole, it is a warm-hearted show that celebrates effort and sheds a fresh perspective on the concept of final judgment. The contestants enthusiastically sign up for the privilege of being judged according to their works.  I'm sure they are also motivated by the attention received as well as the 10K for the winner.  It's a legit prize for their best efforts.

It made me think of my best efforts to create: My body of work as a writer and composer...NAILED IT!  My efforts raising my 5 children..NAILED IT!    My work as a Recreational Therapist...NAILED IT!.   My discipleship as a follower of Jesus Christ...NAILED IT!  My very life and my works...NAILED IT!  Yes it's laughable, especially compared to the work of the masters all around me in each of these areas-especially compared to THE Master.  I'm hoping he has a good sense of humor.  More importantly, I hope he will be able to overlook the glaring deficiencies with great mercy and find the good...something...anything recognizing my best efforts.

Oh, and there will be rewards for all contestants!  Much more than a measly 10K.  How about an incorruptible body anyone?  Talk about a body of work!  Or should I say, a body that always works!
A body that will be raised up so I and and have the privilege of being judged.  Yes the privilege of being judged. 

At times I don't think judgment is a privilege at all.  Competitions, comparisons, tests, evaluations, reviews, resumes, interviews, observation, feedback and criticism-all forms of judgement.  Even discerning between good and evil and making a sound choice...all forms of judgement.  Adam and Eve's choice put the nail in the coffin  for the whole human race...We all die.  That is the first judgement according to Jacob.  "7 Wherefore, it must needs be an infinite atonement—save it should be an infinite atonement this corruption could not put on incorruption. Wherefore, the first judgment which came upon man must needs have remained to an endless duration. And if so, this flesh must have laid down to rot and to crumble to its mother earth, to rise no more." (2 Nephi 9:7).  We're all destined for dust.... or cake mix.  

However, I think of the Master Baker, the Lord of All Creation, who truly nailed it-for real-joking set aside.   The nails driven through his hands and wrists culminating his great suffering for us.  His humble submission and admission for his best efforts..."It is finished."   All this..so I will be raised up with an incorruptible body and brought before God to have the privilege of being judged with justice and mercy.  Happy Easter to all!

15 And it shall come to pass that when all men shall have passed from this first death unto life, insomuch as they have become immortal, they must appear before the judgment-seat of the Holy One of Israel; and then cometh the judgment, and then must they be judged according to the holy judgment of God.

22 And he suffereth this that the resurrection might pass upon all men, that all might stand before him at the great and judgment day. (2 Nephi 9: 15-16)

#Hear Him

This morning I was thinking about my hearing and how dull it has been of late. Recently I've had problems related to my inner ear and dizziness.  On Wednesday, I reported to a co-worker that I was having some dizziness while seated at my computer.  Shortly thereafter, I laid down on floor because my world was literally spinning. So much so,  I proceeded to throw up in the trash can... continually.  I've always been prone to motion sickness, but I could not lift my head without being affected.  After being removed by wheelchair from the building, with trashcan on my lap, I laid down on the cold sidewalk waiting for transport to the doctor's office.   I'm sure those around me thought I had Covid-19 due to how incapacitated I truly was.  It was scary but I felt confident that is was related to my inner ear problem and not some sudden viral illness.

I was not surprised when my doctor confirmed my diagnosis, told me to clean out my ears, gave me a shot in my side for my nausea and related prescription, and advised me to reduce motion.  The next day I stayed in bed all day and gradually felt better.  I learned from my mother that my grandmother spent several days in the hospital for her vertigo.  She was sure she had a tumor near her inner ear, but she didn't. There is a 3% chance that I might have this kind of benign tumor around my inner ear but I don't really want to spend a ton of money for a scan that will pretty much tell me the same thing my grandma was told.  You have vertigo.  It is a chronic condition you'll have to manage throughout the rest of your life.  And so it goes.

I'm trying to be more aware of the symptoms so they don't escalate to that spinning world state I experienced in my office.  I'm taking precautions by focusing on my ears since that appears to be the first symptom leading up to vertigo.  "Dull hearing" is a great description of this type of hearing loss due to gross wax build up.  Of course the nifty gadget I bought on Amazon this morning is supposed to take care of all that grossness and prevent hearing loss and cognitive impairment. This tool might be an important investment in sharpening my capacities to hear and think.

I know I have also been spiritually "dull of hearing" and can identify with this scripture in Matt. 13.15: "For this people's heart is waxed gross, and their ears are dull of hearing, and their eyes they have closed; lest at any time they should see with their eyes, and hear with their ears, and should understand with their heart, and should be converted, and I should heal them."

Yep, that's me.  Dull of hearing.  I'm sure it didn't help my hearing or perceiving spiritual things by spending my isolation time binge watching Vidangel's rendition of "Breaking Bad."  Surely I need a tool a lot more effective than the Amazon ear picker to remove some of that build up.

Fortunately for me, and for the whole world, we have such a tool...General Conference. Since hearing has been on my mind, I was especially sensitive when approaching the theme (#HearHim) of our 190th session of General Conference.   I heard Him in my heart and in my mind testifying of the truth of what I heard in spoken word and song.  Though my eyes are wet, they see more clearly.  Though my ears are dull, I heard the message loud and clear- as President Nelson read a new proclamation to the world.  It's a powerful message.  It's one I know is true.  My words are stupid, this blog is stupid, but this proclamation is not...It is important.  It is worth reading and accepting the invitation to hear for yourself-His voice. Ask if it is true.

https://newsroom.churchofjesuschrist.org/article/restoration-proclamation

Reflect His Light & Heal the World

This morning I was thinking about my response to the invitation for a world wide day of fasting and prayer for relief from physical, emotional, and economic effects of the world wide pandemic.
 https://newsroom.churchofjesuschrist.org/article/president-nelson-fast-pray-relief-covid-19
I gladly accept the invitation and join with those of all faiths to raise my voice to God, the Master Healer and seek continued inspiration to #HearHim and do his will. It's something I can do to exercise some level of control in a situation where I don't have any. It's socially responsible like social distancing, hand washing, staying home etc.

I don't get to follow the mandate to stay home since both of my jobs are considered essential:  public transportation and health care worker.  In some ways it's a privilege and great responsibility.  In other ways, it puts me on the front line.  It doesn't feel like such a personal sacrifice right now because the virus hasn't hit Provo in a significant way..yet.  We all know it's coming.  It's something I can't see right now, but there is ample evidence from the latest news and eye-witness accounts of those who have seen and experienced this assured coming of the effects of the virus.  I see the crazy as fiction from the books and movies I've read, come to life...  It''s real.

How would I feel if the virus had a 100% kill rate?   How would I feel if I knew I was going to die?  From reports, some Italians over age 60 have been sent home from hospitals to die in isolation-die alone. How would I feel during this great vulnerable state,  if other forces combine to bring the world to its' knees-literally-throw in some social unrest, continued wars, economic ruin, terrorist attacks, forest fires and other natural disasters. If we are are on our knees-we pray.

Our Utah earthquake sent Moroni's trumpet from the SLC Temple crashing down to the ground. It got my attention-a great mic drop on the world stage.  Perhaps some people wondered what that gold angel on every temple stood for.   What is the message heralded through the skies? Who is our trusted source we can listen to for the most important, accurate "real" news?  In a time where things on the ground aren't looking too hot for the entire world, it's nice to look up-look up to the skies.

Last night, while taking out the trash, I looked at the bright object in the sky next to the moon.  I'm not super observant, but it looked brighter than usual.  I googled it, and think it was the planet, Venus.  According to the description I read, though stars emit their own light-the moon and Venus reflect the light of the sun-they are literally bathed in light.  They are sunbathers!   My heart beat a little faster when I saw this object in the sky since the Second Coming of Jesus Christ is certainly on my mind and I continue to joke around about it with family and co-workers.  Yet I know this promised coming of Jesus Christ is something I should take seriously, prepare and be ready.  Repent continually.  He's coming soon...why not now?

I remember the excitement around the topic when discussing it in seminary class as a teenager.  I believed it was a realistic possibility I could be alive when He came back to the earth.  I know it will be  more dramatic, and conditions on earth will be more severe than this current pandemic but still...like the virus, I know he is coming.  I see evidence from the eye witness accounts from the scriptures in both the Old and New Testament, Book of Mormon, Another Testament of Jesus Christ. Though I can not see Him right now, the effects of His presence are apparent in the lives of those around me and in my heart.  I look for ways to increase my faith in the Lord, Jesus Christ.  He is real.

Like the sleepy towns where the virus doesn't seem as real as it is in New York, I go about my business as normally as I can.  But if I knew I was going to die, would I live differently?   I am assured destruction the minute I stepped into mortality as a babe. The seeds of destruction are already in my genes- I have a "virus" that will result in my eventual death..The clock is always ticking.   I might die any day from a variety of causes including the virus.

Even though I might die from the virus in isolation without any family around me, I have the promise of being sealed to loved ones through the ordinances performed in holy temples.  This is part of the fulfillment of Malachi's prophecy from the Old Testament,  "And he shall turn the heart of the fathers to the children and the heart of the children to their fathers, lest I come and smite the earth with a curse." (Malachi 4:6)

This is one of the most important messages of the restoration about forever families heralded by that angel posted on spires of temples around the world.  He doesn't have a microphone to loudly broadcast the message, but instead holds a trumpet. If that doesn't get our attention-what will?

Yes, the trump broke off in SLC but right now that particular temple is undergoing extensive renovation that will not only earthquake proof it, but allow it to stand through His second coming and Millennial reign.  Missionaries have been called home during the virus, but like the soon to be repaired trumpet, they too will return to their missions with the message of the Restoration of the gospel of Jesus Christ.  It is a message of hope to a world that is literally dying physically and will be temporarily separated from loved ones.

And so I raise my voice in prayer and fasting-raise it up with the great hope for healing for myself, my family, and the whole world.  That we may be Son-bathers, like Venus and the Moon-bathed in light.  I love the promise in Malachi 4:2, "But unto you that fear my name shall the Sun of righteousness arise with healing in his wings"  https://www.churchofjesuschrist.org/study/manual/come-follow-me-for-individuals-and-families-book-of-mormon-2020/14?lang=eng

34 Bottles of Beer-Tigger Resilience

Resiliency theory fascinates me.  How can two people experience the same set of stressful situations and one person is destroyed and miserable, while the other keeps moving forward-even with a little bounce in their step-thus the "Tigger"reference. It's like nothing can hurt them because they are protected with an invisible rubbery substance allowing them to bounce instead of crack and break when dropped.  I don't get it.  But I want to.  I want to be the Tigger and model it for others.

I have unofficially adopted "Tigger" as my RT mascot.   From the start of my practice as a Recreational Therapist, I purposely set out to build resiliency in myself and others.   Researchers have identified several factors, but I narrowed it down to three for practical purposes.  I can't do everything for everyone, but maybe I can do something.  These three factors also address three deficits common to many traumatized individuals; these include difficulties with Attention, Affect, and Attachment.  I suppose most stressed out people are members of this AAA club.  I know I am.

To help me and my students remember these three resiliency factors, I use the acronym PCS since I figure they will always remember where they went to school.  This also has reference to the idea of  "People Calming Stress vs. People Causing Stress".  We do a ton of the latter in our attempts to reach out and help.  If all behavior is stress related, according to the Bryan Post Stress Model, shouldn't we be expert at knowing how to calm the stress?  Getting back to the PCS and the resiliency factors, the P = Positive Focus.  The C= Challenge Self, and the S-Social Connection.  These are not only great goals, but serve as coping skills to calm stress.

 Positive Focus address the attention deficit.  The power to divert attention and energy to the positive is incredibly powerful.  I remember spending $300 to support Gordon Bruin's work treating pornography addiction that mentions the principle of purposely paying attention or mindfulness practice. Since pornography lures attention and hooks people in, I find it has compelling application for other type of thoughts that lure us, or thought nets (internet) we get hung up in.  His Inner Gold treatment manual was full of great ideas but the one graphic I still remember is of a crowded room of people with a person in red screaming for attention, "Pay Attention to Me!"  My thoughts are like that.  My feelings are like that.  Other people's thoughts, feelings, and behaviors are like that as well. Every intrusion-the millions of would be emergencies are like that.  Everything demands my attention-right now!  If I spent all day putting out fires or responding to every screaming memmie, I will never go anywhere or get anything done.   I have to purposely ignore some distractions.  Others I can respond to, especially if prompted to do so.  Regardless, mine is the power to choose. Armed with this power, how can I not bounce.

Challenging self is all about managing stress addressing difficulties with affect regulation.  I have to take some on so I won't be bored to tears but I can't overload and overwhelm myself with challenges either.   A "Can do" attitude is great,  but if I put too many demands across my back, it's going to break and I won't be going anywhere.  I have to have just the right amount necessary for growth and development.  There are numerous studies on the value of self-efficacy.  Most experiential tasks foster this sense of mastery. It's why groups are organize around a task, a goal, or challenge and the behavior approach and response is documented.  We can believe in our ability to succeed in specific tasks and circumstance. "I can do hard things" is the mantra.  Better yet, I can do hard things with help.  It's amazing what we can accomplish together. 

This leads to social connection addressing the attachment issue.  Most talk therapy involves talking to someone-engaging with another human being.  Sure we can talk to ourselves, but to have a relationship and share thoughts, attitudes, feelings, and behaviors makes a difference in how we move through the universe. Perhaps it is the most important protective factor in building resilience.  How we need each other to calm our stress!  Relationship is key.  Sometimes the most helpful knowledge we gain from treatment is knowing someone cares about us, wants us to succeed, believes in us, understands us, and thinks we are wonderful.  Relationships cause stress and are sometimes the source of trauma, but they are also the remedy.  Oh how we need to know how to build relationships to calm the stress...World peace...right?   That's the goal.  What a bouncy blue marble planet we would live on. We'd be the Tigger Planet.

35 Bottles: Strength To Tackle Weakness

i consider myself a mental health professional, though definitively not as skilled as my PhD brother or a masters degree clinician. Yet, I have been exposed to some great stuff-  knowledge that if applied, could do us good-even help  everyone feel better.  When preparing to accept my first job as a rec therapist, I spent time reading research articles regarding therapeutic interventions .  I was drawn to strength based approaches. Instead of focusing on what's wrong with a person, I found it helpful to consider what they had going for them already; what are they pretty good at? what do they like about themselves and others; what can they do with what they already have?

I use an analogy of climbing the treatment mountain.   When we start to dig up the dirt or take digs at self or others we end up making a big hole and displacing a bunch of dirt..It's hard work.  It's hard to hear the dirt about ourselves; we recognize our deficits, what's wrong with us, and the things we need to change.  All these problems represent our current needs.  In traditional treatment this is our chief complaint.   Treatment will be useless unless it addresses accurate diagnosis.   But what about the big hole or the displaced dirt from our digging?  With time this dirt is packed down and forms mountain of sorts...a mountain we will need to climb.We will need strength and put forth a great deal of effort to climb this mountain of our own making.  Why not use every possible resource we have to accomplish the task-use strength to tackle weakness!

My family has many strengths; all of our bodies are pretty healthy- we can see, hear, talk and walk.  I think we have a high level of intelligence.  sure we do stupid things, but I think we are all pretty awake and aware.  We also have a high degree of social and emotional intelligence.   We not only know how to communicate but we know how to make and keep friends.  We know how to reach out and care about the people  around us.  As a family we love and care about each individual family member.  We know how to forgive and make repairs when we offend each other.   There is an unconditionality about our interactions; no matter what happens to us or whatever mistakes we have made... it will be okay... we are still a family with a desire to be a close and connected.  Perhaps the biggest strength of all for any of us, is the ability to keep trying-keep moving forward-and being open and willing to try a new approach to the challenges we face. 

With these strengths at or disposal.  surely we can climb the mountain.  Let's go! 

38 Bottles: Better Decisions

I'm sure there are all sorts of outcomes for "family therapy" and what people expect to get out of their sessions. Yet I can't help thinking the ability to make better decisions should be on top of the list.  This includes feeling better, thinking better, and ultimately behaving better.  This is the essence of health right?  When I'm sick or hurt, I want to feel better and ultimately improve my executive functioning.

I am fascinated with mental health.  It appears to have some connection with spiritual health- at least  both are not readily visible.  It's hard to diagnose and treat because conditions aren't manifest in a MRI, x-ray, or in a gushing gun shot wound.  Some clinicians use FMRI's and other analytic tools, but it's still fuzzy science.  The whole field is wrought with ambiguity.  It's confusing and contradictory.  But I suppose physical health is as well.  Nevertheless, we try to figure things out.  What makes us tick?  What causes us to act or be acted upon?  What knowledge will really make a difference in our life?

And so as I navigate through different concepts in mental health that may be useful for my family, I believe it helps to have a foundation-or a safe harbor to return to when venturing out into the ocean. It's too easy to get lost in the wild sea of ideas.

All through my children's lives, we gathered each night for "Scripture Time."  In many cases, it was a joke- the rug we sat on often became a stage for family antics; but we still tried to read from the pages of the scriptures to build faith in Jesus Christ.  My children sometimes expressed irritation as I would relate almost anything we did or learned about during the day to the gospel of Jesus Christ.  How I wish I could gather my adult sons and daughters around me and have family scripture time each night.  I know it would still help us.  I try to encourage daily private study of the scriptures, but I feel like they don't think it helps them.  They sometimes even think it not only doesn't help them but makes them feel bad -commands end up feeling like criticism and harsh judgment about various imperfections.

Jeffrey Holland's latest conference talk addresses this issue.  Here are some excerpts;

 Our only hope for true perfection is in receiving it as a gift from heaven—we can’t “earn” it. Thus, the grace of Christ offers us not only salvation from sorrow and sin and death but also salvation from our own persistent self-criticism...

My brothers and sisters, except for Jesus, there have been no flawless performances on this earthly journey we are pursuing, so while in mortality let’s strive for steady improvement without obsessing over what behavioral scientists call “toxic perfectionism.”...

Brothers and sisters, every one of us aspires to a more Christlike life than we often succeed in living. If we admit that honestly and are trying to improve, we are not hypocrites; we are human. May we refuse to let our own mortal follies, and the inevitable shortcomings of even the best men and women around us, make us cynical about the truths of the gospel, the truthfulness of the Church, our hope for our future, or the possibility of godliness. If we persevere, then somewhere in eternity our refinement will be finished and complete—which is the New Testament meaning of perfection.14

I testify that scriptures help more than they hurt.  They can help me and my family.  Though my suggestion may be dismissed as the silly rantings of a religious fanatic,  I believe if we want our family to heal and improve daily functioning,scripture time should be considered as one of our "therapy assignments." We can't gather around the rug and watch the family circus of personalities, but we can do something to incorporate scripture time, especially, The Book of Mormon,  into our daily routine.  President Nelson stated:

My dear brothers and sisters, I promise that as you prayerfully study the Book of Mormon every day, you will make better decisions—every day. I promise that as you ponder what you study, the windows of heaven will open, and you will receive answers to your own questions and direction for your own life. I promise that as you daily immerse yourself in the Book of Mormon, you can be immunized against the evils of the day, even the gripping plague of pornography and other mind-numbing addictions.

That's not just a statement, it's a promise! From a prophet, seer, and revelator  no less.  Wow.  A promise that we can make better decisions by doing one simple thing...a spiritual remedy. That surely is a intervention worth trying!

39 Bottles of Beer

It's been a couple of months since I last wrote an entry in my "99 bottles of beer" blog I got to bottle number 40 and then Jeff was released from prison.  Ready or not, I had to face him...and I did.  The surprising part about the whole ordeal, was that it was not an ordeal at all.  It was normal.  It was fine.  It was almost like a non-event.   Much like the soda pop that lost its' fizz because someone didn't screw the lid on tight enough, our initial meeting didn't have any volcanic overflow, explosions, mess, or fireworks.  It was flat-barely registered on a emotional Richter scale-if there was such a thing. 

Since Jeff returned to Utah, we've had about 3 or 4 family dinners, and about 4 one on one exchanges such as walks, car rides, errands, etc.  We had a discussion about boundaries and so far, they have been respected.  My son asked if I was attracted to him, and I honestly said I wasn't.  There is familiarity for sure, but I feel like my eyes are wide open.  I see him, or at least I think I'm seeing him with new eyes and awareness. 

When his release date finally arrived I didn't have a bunch of pent up feelings and thoughts waiting to explode.  They came out gradually through the process of writing 60 journal entries; writing my 99 bottles of beer blog helped me explore issues regarding my relationship with my x husband- past, present future.

It's been more difficult for my children since they have not processed through their issues regarding their father, their mother, their relationship, and our family dynamics past,present, and future.  Some have suggested some sort of family therapy.

I'm open to that, though I don't have funds.  Last week I suggested Jeff cover mental health expenses-I think that's fair.  Taking a page out of the past Mowen family playbook, we usually don't go to the doctor unless we're practically dying.  Instead we do the best with the resources we already have.  It's our attempt to self-medicate.

And so I turn once again to beer.  That's medicine right?  Surely I have 40 bottles worth of mental health ideas, interventions, treatment or home grown remedies to help with our condition.

Flat can be good when it comes to shaking bottles and opening them up.  But flat can also impede progress-especially as I'm writing this entry as I sit here on my para-transit bus with several customers on board  waiting for help to arrive.  It is my first experience with a flat tire during my early morning route, probably not the last. 

The big boss came, we transferred the customers to a different van and we were on our way.  Perhaps these last 40 bottles can help the people in my family board a different bus and get back on track.  We can make forward progress and eventually fix that flat tire or replace it with a new one.